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Relapse Homicidal ideation after benzo relapse

cyberius

cyberius

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Mar 11, 2013
Messages
1,571
I fucking hate people, that's no secret. I have an innate hatred for society. I took 40mg of ambien last night and this morning I started getting these thoughts. I'm not a part of society andI don't fit in or get to have any of the nice illusions that normal people have? Why not fucking take a few of you flesh zombies with me in a sociopathox storm of bullets? Sober life is retarded and the only thing I hate more than other fucking advanced apes is myself and Believe me I want to fucking carve myself up with a pencil.

I would say watch the news but not yet, I'm not planning yet, nor do I think I will. I'm not far off
 
I don't know how to make friends or healthy relationships and I refuse to learn because humans are just pawns waiting to be moved around
 
Nobodys in fucking charge of me and my life is completely my choice. Fuck my parents and all the fucking garbage people in my life
 
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It would be such a relief to just lash out andfucking murder something oh my fucking god
 
I am glad you're reaching out for help man. Does it feel like these are intrusive thoughts?

Can you identify with times you were happy or at least realized that there are some good people out there?
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I am glad you're reaching out for help man. Does it feel like these are intrusive thoughts?

Can you identify with times you were happy or at least realized that there are some good people out there?
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Everybody is bad, these thoughts are bringing me so much relief. I violently hate my life and I haven't been happy in over a decade
 
BTW did you end up trying heroin? I remember your thread in OD; it got punted to BDD and not sure if you responded or not

I would recommend avoiding Z-drugs and benzos for the time being man. I hope you're going to be alright.
 
cyberius said:
It'll feel good to me, I'll get so much negative attention, someone will finally think about what I went through
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nah, you'd just end up in jail and get even more neglected.

do you have any kind of social circle, online or irl?
 
Have you tried to think about what would cause these thoughts? Have you had prior bad experiences with other people?

Trust me not everyone is a pawn waiting to be moved by someone else as there are for example lots of people in bluelight who are in charge of their own lives and yet still feel empathy towards other people.

I can relate to having homicidal thoughts as when I was bullied in school I felt plenty of hatred towards others and how I could get revenge and I even planned how to do it but I never did do it obviously.

I started learning martial arts, not because I wanted to know how to beat others up but instead how to get self-esteem. Later on I learned a lot of self-control too and in one point I found out that knowing that I could beat the shit out of a guy insulting me but still not doing it would make me feel quite great. Nowadays I don’t even bother if someone tries to insult me.

Could you think about trying to do something that would raise your self-esteem?

Yesterday I found out a new emotional lock that I have as I think that no one is expecting much out of me and my fiancee so I have felt that we have to try harder than others to get approved in life and that insight came out of nowhere as I got really pissed about my rehab place’s boss saying to me that they have to review with other workers if my fiancee’s visit to rehab could pose a danger to the therapeutic community’s drug free state.

Although that is normal procedure and they need to consider every visitor of course but I felt it as a slap to my face as I immediately thought that the boss thinks I am a fucking scumbag who tries to get her fiancee to smuggle some drugs so I could deal them out in the rehab. That was just me thinking about other people not having any expectations of me except that I am going to just ruin everything I do which isn’t reality at all but just caused by the stigma of drug use and some prior experinces (or thoughts about experiences as those might not have based on reality either).
 
I'm actually a brown belt in Kempo, essentially Japanese kickboxing
 
Sometimes when we get frustrated for so long (often at ourselves and our lives), the anger builds up so badly that it kind of flips outwards (projection), and we start blaming everyone around us and want to kill them all in a fireball of rage and fury.

You've probably seen this before in the news; it never ends well for anyone. And usually it affects a whole bunch of people who aren't in any way even tangentially to blame, and aren't really just pointless complicit sacks of flesh either. And some of them are actually as fucked up and angry as yourself, looking for some way to offload.

What things in life do you actually like?
 
cyberius said:
It'll feel good to me, I'll get so much negative attention, someone will finally think about what I went through
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I’m not familiar with what you went through and I’m sorry I haven’t asked earlier. do you want to talk about it now?
 
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