Dating during Recovery

[ladyhlove]

I know the rule...no major life changes, including getting into a new relationship, during the first year of recovery..but I don't always follow rules so well. I'm almost a month out of a LTR and am not thinking about dating again just yet, but I know I will get there in the next couple of months (though, I'm hoping it will be with my most recent boyfriend who's only reason for ending the relationship was my drug use..but it might not happen...)

When dating during recovery, what's the best approach for telling your new potential love interest about your addiction issues? Is that something I should lay out there during the initial meeting/first date? Is that something I should ease into after getting to know one another better? I know every situation is different and so is every person, but I don't want to scare every guy I have a date with away with all of my addiction problems. But I also don't want to feel like its something I have to hide and have them upset with me for exposing that info after they started getting really involved with me.

What's y'alls opinions on fellow recovering addicts getting together? I don't think I could date another recovering opiate addict..if one (or both) of us relapsed I know the nightmare that is two addicts using in a relationship together (I've heard that you have no idea how bad your addiction can get until you are in a relationship with another addict and you both fuel and feed each other's usage). But what about an addict recovering from something else (like alcohol, cocaine, etc)? Can that work? I keep picturing Jessie Pinkman in Breaking Bad when he (a meth user) gets involved with a recovering heroin addict and they just decide to combine meth and heroin in a super duper drug and sex filled life.

I'm rambling a bit, my apologies. But what do yall think? Opinions on dating during recovery? Whats your experience?

 

[aihfl]

When dating during recovery, what's the best approach for telling your new potential love interest about your addiction issues? Is that something I should lay out there during the initial meeting/first date?

I wouldn't.

Opinions on dating during recovery? Whats your experience?

As long as it's not a dysfunctional situation that can set you up for relapse, I don't see anything wrong with it and one area where I think the 12 step dogma of not dating anyone in the first year (who even came up with that time frame? seems rather arbitrary to me) is horseshit. That said, when I separated from my ex wife in 2014, I had either been married or in a relationship for about 20 years. The thought of being alone terrified me and I got into two relationships, neither of which ended well. At this point in my own recovery, I have learned to be comfortable around myself. If someone comes into my life that brings me happiness, that would be good. And it would be nice to be getting laid again regularly, but it's not something I feel the need to actively seek out anymore.

 

[ladyhlove]

As long as it's not a dysfunctional situation that can set you up for relapse, I don't see anything wrong with it and one area where I think the 12 step dogma of not dating anyone in the first year (who even came up with that time frame? seems rather arbitrary to me) is horseshit. That said, when I separated from my ex wife in 2014, I had either been married or in a relationship for about 20 years. The thought of being alone terrified me and I got into two relationships, neither of which ended well. At this point in my own recovery, I have learned to be comfortable around myself. If someone comes into my life that brings me happiness, that would be good. And it would be nice to be getting laid again regularly, but it's not something I feel the need to actively seek out anymore.

I have codependency issues on top of my addiction. I am 32 and have been pretty much always in some sort of a serious relationship ever since I was about 17 years old. I've had a couple of months in between relationships, but I was always on the hunt for the next love of my life. Right now, during my recovery, I'm realizing this about myself and am trying to learn to be happy alone. It's only been a month since my breakup, but I'm already much more comfortable with it than I was even a couple of weeks ago. However, one of my life goals is to get married and have children and I'm 32 so this singlehood can't last TOO long (Don't worry I'm not going to rush it, I'm very aware I can still have children 5, 6, even 8 years from now if need be).

I've been on Tinder the past day or so (mainly to help boost the self esteem a bit and also because I'm bored haha) and have been talking to a really nice guy. I actually told him all about my recovery that I'm going through and he said my honesty made him even more into me, haha. He had struggled with a cocaine addiction and has been clean for 7 years himself. I guess all that is what got me thinking about all of this.

 

[herbavore]

The best thing I ever did for myself back when I was young and did exactly what you have described (serial monogamy to avoid ever being alone) was to choose to stay out of any romantic relationships for a year (which meant a year of celibacy as well). It was life changing on so many levels. After that I started traveling the world by myself and that is still my preferred way to travel even though I've been married for over 30 years now.

 

[tired of crap]

This is a tricky one for me.

My 10 year relationship ended at about the same time my alcohol use climaxed. Although the addiction was not the direct cause of the seperation, they were deeply intertwined (its a logn story haha). I figured Id jump right back on the horse after my relationship ended, it was in shambles for a long time and I was happy (yet sad) when it finally resolved. But I was still drinking almost daily and I figured it wouldnt be fair to someone else.

I waited a bit and as I adjusted to life my drinking subsided.. But life proceeded and I found myself drinking again. But I needed companionship. Well damned if its not true - like attracts like, she was a drunk too.... I didnt and I wouldnt through my addiction out on the first date.. I mean its good to be honest but sometimes its ok to wait... It was a relief that I was not alone in my struggles and I tried for a while but after a bit I couldnt take it anymore. I was trying to get better and she wasnt there yet...

Im not sure if it would be different if your partner had a different drug of choice... Personally Id wager no because of the behaviour patterns and lifestyle. Addiction isnt just about drug use, its a way of life. It consumed me as much as I consumed it.. or perhaps Im rambling too haha..

 

[ladyhlove]

I guess I should've clarified this in the first post:

When I meant dating another addict, I didn't mean an ACTIVE addict. I mean one in recovery...and, for me, they would have to be pretty far along into recovery. Even when I was an active addict, I always dated "normies" because I'm a judgey hyprocit lol.

 

[SaintCecelia]

I’m here to learn so someone tell me what they mean when they say “promiscuous”. I get that I am self destructive and need to learn better coping skills. However, I do not believe in all these labels nor do I think commitment is defined the same for everyone. Sex is sex and love is different than sex. They told me that during my recovery I need to learn my definition of commitment? Then work on finding a defined relationship? What if I do not want an “in love relationship.” Sex is natural, consenting sex no big deal, but now I am promiscuous? I’m pissed, and confused. Saw this, posted, I apologize if I creeped on your post.

 

[Tombs]

I like what Herbavore said. The best thing I've ever done for myself, relationship wise, was to stay single for an entire year after a painful breakup. I'm co-dependent like a mfer and I have always been in relationships. Before I did this, besides prison, the longest I've ever been single was a few weeks. I was dating someone 3 days out of prison. Until I did this, I cheated on everyone I've ever dated.

For me it was just as difficult as getting off drugs. My self esteem issues and abandonment issues run deep so I'm glad I went through with it and really found out who the fuck I am. I actually started to like myself when I started spending time alone time getting to know me. I learned that I'm a pretty interesting fella and I picked up a lot of cool hobbies.

There is nothing wrong with having casual sex from time to time, we all have needs but I honestly recommend rollin solo for at least a year after you get sober/your last relationship.

I?m here to learn so someone tell me what they mean when they say ?promiscuous?. I get that I am self destructive and need to learn better coping skills. However, I do not believe in all these labels nor do I think commitment is defined the same for everyone. Sex is sex and love is different than sex. They told me that during my recovery I need to learn my definition of commitment? Then work on finding a defined relationship? What if I do not want an ?in love relationship.? Sex is natural, consenting sex no big deal, but now I am promiscuous? I?m pissed, and confused. Saw this, posted, I apologize if I creeped on your post.

I think only you can answer that for yourself. Are you having sex to scratch that biological itch? Or are you having lots of anonymous encounters in order to counteract low self esteem? Are you using people in a matter that is insensitive to their feelings?

Don't ever judge yourself based on our societal standards regarding sex. There is nothing wrong with a casual relationship as long as you aren't deceiving and/or hurting the other party. I've had amazing fwb relationships in the past and some that were destructive. The difference between the healthy ones and the unhealthy ones is pretty fuckin clear, at least in my experience.

For example, when I was single I was in a casual sexual relationship with a married female couple. All 3 of us had clearly established boundaries and we all knew that it was going nowhere emotionally. We trusted each other and had a lot of fun. This, in my opinion, is a healthy casual sexual relationship. We were satisfying basic biological needs and nothing more. Everyone involved knew what was going on.

I've also been in casual relationships where the other party was no longer interested in keeping it casual, I wasn't particularly interested in elevating our status and yet I kept leading the person on for the sex. Now in my 30s I would never do this to someone. This is an example of an unhealthy sexual relationship, in my opinion.

Finally, don't be too fucking hard on yourself. Fuck the term "promiscuous." Love and relationships are complicated. Learn from your mistakes and try to be a good person.

 

[SaintCecelia]

Seriously that helped alleviate beating the punching bag with a bat. Ty. So I read the post here’s the thing maybe I do need to take my time during recovery to redefine. I mean I am the preacher of never quit learning! And after reading your post I had my past flash like a movie and there it was! I was abused as a child “all the above” without getting too detailed. Anyway I was a good kid but my adopted mother was a raging narcissistic borderline. Had me admitted because I threatened to expose who she was to her mind controlled suburban crusader status followers. Always playing the victim like poor me I adopted this white trash swamp baby and don’t know what to do (insert bitch slap). So at 15 after she threw me in a psyche ward for smoking pot one time (true story) I said fuck this shit you want to see troubled I’ll show you trouble. She always accused me of being a slut and calling me fat, or you don’t want to wear white shorts people will think you want sex. The bitch was off trust me. Something in me clicked. And I seduced every man I could find taking what I could, mostly older men. Like it gave me a high taking control of them. Of course I quit that around 23. I never admitted that until now. Because I just remembered it lol!

 

[tathra]

When I meant dating another addict, I didn't mean an ACTIVE addict. I mean one in recovery...and, for me, they would have to be pretty far along into recovery. Even when I was an active addict, I always dated "normies" because I'm a judgey hyprocit lol.

it can be good or bad; you can be each others' strength and motivation to stay clean, but if one of you falls off and relapses then typically the other one will too. tbh the only time i've wanted to be clean in the past few years was when i was dating somebody, i have no real motivation or reason to stay clean if its only me by myself like always, but having somebody else makes me want to be clean and do better for them.

I’m here to learn so someone tell me what they mean when they say “promiscuous”. I get that I am self destructive and need to learn better coping skills. However, I do not believe in all these labels nor do I think commitment is defined the same for everyone. Sex is sex and love is different than sex. They told me that during my recovery I need to learn my definition of commitment? Then work on finding a defined relationship? What if I do not want an “in love relationship.” Sex is natural, consenting sex no big deal, but now I am promiscuous? I’m pissed, and confused. Saw this, posted, I apologize if I creeped on your post.

those judgemental pricks need to fuck off. thats one thing i absolutely cant stand about 12 step-type "recovery" programs, how they're all about ramming religion down everyone's throats (i wouldnt mind getting some personal, hands-on experience learning about the 13th step though - banging your sponsor ). there is nothing wrong with sex or promiscuity, that whole double standard where its awesome for guys to be whores but anything to do with a woman's sexuality is bad is nothing but misogyny, pure and simple.

 

[aihfl]

i wouldnt mind getting some personal, hands-on experience learning about the 13th step though - banging your sponsor

13th stepping is despicable. It's not funny and it's not a joke.

i absolutely cant stand about 12 step-type "recovery" programs, how they're all about ramming religion down everyone's throats

This, combined with your un-funny remark about 13th stepping, leads me to believe that you don't have any real understanding of what 12 step fellowships are about. Maybe I'm wrong about you specifically, but IME people who spout these sorts of prejudices tend to have had the least interaction with AA/NA.

 

[Bigsammy610]

In my 22 months of sobriety, sex and love have been the most difficult things to get a grip on for me. My toxic drug-fueled relationships in the past have left me scarred in a way. I have a hard time trusting women and I hope I can get over that eventually.

I hate love but I love the effects. The 'rush", the high you get from it. But I hate that feeling of being vulnerable. Almost like when waiting for your dealer to show up for hours, when he said he'd be there in 15 haha. Personally, I try to stay clear from love. Maybe it'll find me, maybe it won't and I'm cool with that. In the meantime, I work the steps everyday, help another alcoholic/addict, and do the next right thing. All the cliche things that they tell you to do, because it actually does work haha imagine that.

 

[zephyr]

There are people who feel far more content and secure in a relationship than when they are single.

This included people who are either occasional drug users, full blown addicts and those in various stages of recovery.

The addict side of your life is quite separate from your other personality traits but can affect your choices of partner or whether you are more capable being happy single or a happy partner.

If you are finding that you are more eanting a partner to be fulfilled as a person, you might find getting your addiction recovery to be of upmost importance to have a successful relationship. If you are happier single then the only person you have to put first is you. That can be harder in a way as you're fighting your addict self to do that.

Having a good solid relationship means you have to keep your end of the deal and stick to whatever you say you are doing. Good boyfriends would really need you to do that to be secure with you.

Unfortunately if you are attracted to other addicts then the relationship csn become an enabling one and two addicts together can lead each other downhill and the recovery becomes a problem in the relationship.


I have had a few very passionate relationships with addicts and they ended with addictions being far worse than they were beforehand. I have dated a straightedge long after my use ended and found it hard to be open as i didnt want to share stories of my past. Other people ended up spilling that and it was over because i didnt like the way he judged me.

I wouldnt personally be in a relationship ever again as I am content single.

But if you want a partner then take your time finding the right one and an ex would be too risky in recovery.

 

[SaintCecelia]

There are people who feel far more content and secure in a relationship than when they are single.

This included people who are either occasional drug users, full blown addicts and those in various stages of recovery.

The addict side of your life is quite separate from your other personality traits but can affect your choices of partner or whether you are more capable being happy single or a happy partner.

If you are finding that you are more eanting a partner to be fulfilled as a person, you might find getting your addiction recovery to be of upmost importance to have a successful relationship. If you are happier single then the only person you have to put first is you. That can be harder in a way as you're fighting your addict self to do that.

Having a good solid relationship means you have to keep your end of the deal and stick to whatever you say you are doing. Good boyfriends would really need you to do that to be secure with you.

Unfortunately if you are attracted to other addicts then the relationship csn become an enabling one and two addicts together can lead each other downhill and the recovery becomes a problem in the relationship.


I have had a few very passionate relationships with addicts and they ended with addictions being far worse than they were beforehand. I have dated a straightedge long after my use ended and found it hard to be open as i didnt want to share stories of my past. Other people ended up spilling that and it was over because i didnt like the way he judged me.

I wouldnt personally be in a relationship ever again as I am content single.

But if you want a partner then take your time finding the right one and an ex would be too risky in recovery.

I feel at peace with this, still somewhat confused, but at peace.

 

[Grinders Kiefers]

I've taken recovery as an opportunity to work on myself, and for me, that means not being in a serious or committed relationship for now. I went into this stretch of clean time with a "complicated" relationship that has morphed into a bit of a distant friendship, which hurts, but feels best for me. I've tried dating a few times in the past six months or so, and it felt really confusing and not at all what I want or need. It felt like I was thrown off my path, and quickly became invested in drama and minutiae about the other person and our interactions. I have zero interest in playing those games, it keeps me from moving forward and making progress. I think relationships are an area where most addicts struggle, whether it be friendship or romantic relationship, and I'm still learning how to be a good friend, much less a good partner. Dating is something I'd like to do (more of) eventually, but don't feel at all ready for right now.

I've watched a lot of recovering addicts fall into relationships before they were ready and it's really hard to watch. They become obsessed with the relationship and it's often all they ever talk about or relate to. Love and romance are a beautiful thing, but codependency and relationship drama have the power to take you down fast.

 

[achemicalreaction]

I was in a ltr with an addict for 5 years, before I was ever an addict, in which I ended up enabling him, so I let him go in the end. He did get into AA/NA 6 months after, but then relapsed and hasn?t been clean since, almost ten years now. Hardest thing I ever had to do was break it off with someone you really love. I?ll run into him maybe once a year, and I?m still confident I did the right thing. A part of me believes he?ll make it when he?s ready.
As far as dating in recovery, if you meet someone I don?t believe you should deny yourself love, casual sex or anything in between, as long as you are confident and honest with yourself that it won?t mess with your recovery. I do agree it?s a hard time already getting sober so the extra stress that may come with emotional pain may trigger relapse.

 

[Reanimator13]

Get a hobby.. get a pet. Work on yourself. You have to be right with yourself before you can ever be right together with anyone else.

 

[Larimar]

Yeah I feel like you need to be stable before entering a real relationship, you are a risk to them at this point , can't be trusted for a while . Maybe a friends with benefits if you really need it , lol.

 

[hopesick]

Dating during recovery is dating at your weakest, most vulnerable point.

The benefit to waiting until you're stable is that you will most likely obtain a far more appropriate partner.

It's like trying to house a pet before you can afford to feed it. Stability typically reaps greater rewards. Use this time to invest in a better future, in all ways.

 

[Ds]

I see more and more people relapse because getting in a relationship with someone else early in recovery. It has happened to me before.. getting freaky with a girl, and all the suddon she isnt answering my phone calls or my txts, next thing im doing is checking out where she works at and shes no where to be found. And i was devastated ,did not know hoe to work through those feelings of heart break, even thinking the worse might had happened.

I sometimes go out in groups with friends from the program, like out for coffee and maybe catch a movie or something, but nithing like getting romantically involved with another,just yet. Im almost 2 years sober and am still finding out what my pros and cons are,ie faults and wrongs,feelings etc.