Fear of becoming a "junkie"

[RunRiverRun]

As I evaluate my short history with drug use, i find it obvious that it is pretty hard for me to prevent psychological addiction.

4 months back, I was so far away from any drugs and even alcohol.

Right now i smoke 3 to 4 grams of weed nearly everyday, got my hands on 200ug of LSD 2 times ( in the same week actualy ) and rolled some E once.

A week ago i watched a documentary about H when i was pretty high on some indica and since then i have this depressing feel of paranoia and guilt at the same time.

Since then i have read 6 books on heroin and countless articles. There probably is no video on youtube about heroin that i haven't watched. I have raised this irrepressible curiosity about drugs and it, at the same time, disturbs me a lot because it gets me thinking that this amount of curiosity will end up with me "crossing the lines"

While it may sound silly, this thought has been putting my mood down throughout days now. I even feel some sort of "guilt" when i smoke weed now, but i can't stop myself from browsing all over the forums, reading trip reports and sort.

Has anyone had simmilar thoughts back in the day? Would love to share some words.

8)

 

[LucidSDreamr]

16 years into drug use that has spanned everything from IV heroin to heavy psychedelic use I can tell you that the guilt is always there...except when I'm getting off really good on some nice drugs

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Honestly I feel no guilt.

Except when I used to do meth pretty sure that was because of all the weird porn I'd watch tho

 

[zephyr]

I dont give any portion of a shit about my own drug use and could not care less about being a junkie.

I do feel bad about the effect getting in trouble had on my family but dont carry that as much now years later .

I get the judgement enough as it is to make up for it.

 

[LucidSDreamr]

Honestly I feel no guilt.

Except when I used to do meth pretty sure that was because of all the weird porn I'd watch tho

Do u not have any permanent damage to your health relationships or career? I have all of them but I mostly regret the health damage and some of the relationship damage.

I regret my use of pills (opiates or gabaergics) when I use because every time I'm using and not tapering I become more dependent and that withdrawal or taper i out off indefinitely will be harder

I regret the 15 years of smoking drugs because I know I could get cancer one day. (No longer smoke anything for this reason)

 

[Escape Fantasy]

I think we all go through this drug phase of looking shit up. But, you actually doing the drugs is crossing a pretty dangerous line. I can relate on the guilt and paranoia. I think deep down we all know we're doing something wrong which is the root-cause of the guilt, then turns to paranoia.

Yeah, I quit using drugs after having a few psychotic trips and being depressed on days after E.

Just a sign of the times.

 

[ThosJ]

I'm betting you're obsessing about H, and then feeling guilty about it, for the same reason tweakers get obsessed with weird-ass porn-- not because it's inherently attractive, but because it's taboo. A little demonization makes anything look sexy.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Do u not have any permanent damage to your health relationships or career? I have all of them but I mostly regret the health damage and some of the relationship damage.

I regret my use of pills (opiates or gabaergics) when I use because every time I'm using and not tapering I become more dependent and that withdrawal or taper i out off indefinitely will be harder

I regret the 15 years of smoking drugs because I know I could get cancer one day. (No longer smoke anything for this reason)

When I was in my early 20s I was diagnosed with a serious medical condition for which there is no known cause and no known cure...before that I had only ever smoked weed and did mushrooms a couple times. That admittedly made me pretty nihilistic about the "health" component, for better or for worse. But I've never actually had a serious health complication due to drug use...never ended up in the hospital, and my only arrest was almost 10 years ago (for marijuana possession, something I hope to expunge at some point)

As far as my personal relationships go, I've been pretty successful at hiding my use. My parents know (anyone who uses drugs at a certain level and thinks that their parents don't know, you're kidding yourself....they know, even if they won't say anything about it or are unclear about the exact extent of your use) and they worry, especially my mother, and I do feel a little guilty about that TBH because I love my parents very much. And I've made the mistake in the past of involving myself emotionally with junkie fuck-ups. But other than that? No real damage to my personal life. I have a diverse group of friends and I've managed to retain all of my close friendships dating back to childhood.

---------

A lot of times I feel like recreational drug users feel a twinge of guilt simply for the fact that they use drugs, because of how demonized that cultural practice is in our society and how easily recreational drug use & drug addiction are conflated in our society, especially with certain categories of drugs. But you know what? Fuck that. If you're a good person and contribute to society, you do whatever you need to in order to glean a little more happiness & enjoyment out of this messed-up finite existence. That's my opinion anyway. I'm a working-class person who pays for my drugs with my own money (when I choose to "indulge"), and I'm a compassionate person who cares in a genuine way about other people, so no, I don't feel much guilt.

 

[g0to]

Well, IMO, there's drugs and then there's DRUGS.

Tripping on E once every 3 months - $20-30
Smoking a bowl of 2 of weed a day - $30-40 a week
Tripping on Lsd once in a blue moon ~$5-20

None of these are drugs that, if you're in a good place mentally, financially independent etc., will make you take them over and over again every day in increasing amounts. It's more like a toy, something to have fun with when you're completely clear of responsibilities. Heroin's in a totally different ballpark, you think whichever joe shmoe is making some extra $$ of you off something he knows causes deaths, something that he has taken as his livelyhood perhaps even feeding his family with your money, would care about adding something shitty to boost the high when he KNOWS it'll make him more money? Dealers have a million ways to justify the damage they're doing. Be it fentanyl, borderline toxic cuts, whatever..

Heroin for a day of pleasure with no tolerance - $10-20
The next time $20
Gettin in a habit of getting a 20 after work
40 on the weekend/payday
80 on the weekend payday
80 dollars everyday
etc
Oh my finances are looking kind of rough time to cut down Oh shit now I feel like shit and can barely do my job, short fuse with loved ones as the line between "feeling alright", and "feeling as euphoric as i ever have" becomes thinner and thinner
Pretty soon you're looking at prices you can't pay without say, selling your car and buying a shittier one, along the way you might get jacked due to the shitty nature of 90% of heroin dealers, hell they might be jacking you all along by selling you 75% cut.

All of a sudden you find a new connect through people you use with or perhaps someone you knew from the past thats now heavily in the game. Now all of a sudden you can pick up a more potent $30 sack again and feel fine and dandy off a few hits like when you first started, maybe even really high. And so it continues to the point where you need A LOT of premium stuff just to not feel like death. This happens sooner rather than later, not just to the "junkies". There's a lot of bad choices, struggling etc., before strangers you pass on the street will label you a "junkie" without a second look.

That's just one scenario that can, and has happened to many high functioning, working people. In the mean time of all that you'll have weakened relationships, people worried about you, people mad at you or not sure what's going on. Eventually you lose friends. Sure some can make it work whether by middle manning, or using a certain amount at a certain time of day only. But that only lasts so long as it sets you up for addiction to other stuff down the line I mean hey you're doing heroin, why not pop a xanax or 2 when you're feeling rough? Boom dual addiction... Pretty soon you're in poverty unless mommy and daddy have a house and trust fund for you in which case yeah heroin is "glamorous" and "no big deal" until you looking like skeletor and unable to function and your version of "getting the day started" becomes driving to the hood or to meet with your dealer, scrounging up money any which way you can. It's truely terrible.

Not to mention the fact that alot of people actually end up dieing from their heroin use, or otherwise completely ruining their quality of life, and most wish that they had never started.

Heroin is literally the worst and it has cost me and many others ALOT of happiness in our lives, alot of misery and a lot of struggle. Go find some other hobby I mean if smoking weed makes you want to do heroin then you should probably stop smoking weed for a few years.

 

[RunRiverRun]

I'm betting you're obsessing about H, and then feeling guilty about it, for the same reason tweakers get obsessed with weird-ass porn-- not because it's inherently attractive, but because it's taboo. A little demonization makes anything look sexy.

That actualy feels so easy to relate to. The whole taboo about being an H addict and all the stuff that i have heard/researched just makes me wonder about how its like.

Well, IMO, there's drugs and then there's DRUGS.

Tripping on E once every 3 months - $20-30
Smoking a bowl of 2 of weed a day - $30-40 a week
Tripping on Lsd once in a blue moon ~$5-20

None of these are drugs that, if you're in a good place mentally, financially independent etc., will make you take them over and over again every day in increasing amounts. It's more like a toy, something to have fun with when you're completely clear of responsibilities. Heroin's in a totally different ballpark, you think whichever joe shmoe is making some extra $$ of you off something he knows causes deaths, something that he has taken as his livelyhood perhaps even feeding his family with your money, would care about adding something shitty to boost the high when he KNOWS it'll make him more money? Dealers have a million ways to justify the damage they're doing. Be it fentanyl, borderline toxic cuts, whatever..

Heroin for a day of pleasure with no tolerance - $10-20
The next time $20
Gettin in a habit of getting a 20 after work
40 on the weekend/payday
80 on the weekend payday
80 dollars everyday
etc
Oh my finances are looking kind of rough time to cut down Oh shit now I feel like shit and can barely do my job, short fuse with loved ones as the line between "feeling alright", and "feeling as euphoric as i ever have" becomes thinner and thinner
Pretty soon you're looking at prices you can't pay without say, selling your car and buying a shittier one, along the way you might get jacked due to the shitty nature of 90% of heroin dealers, hell they might be jacking you all along by selling you 75% cut.

All of a sudden you find a new connect through people you use with or perhaps someone you knew from the past thats now heavily in the game. Now all of a sudden you can pick up a more potent $30 sack again and feel fine and dandy off a few hits like when you first started, maybe even really high. And so it continues to the point where you need A LOT of premium stuff just to not feel like death. This happens sooner rather than later, not just to the "junkies". There's a lot of bad choices, struggling etc., before strangers you pass on the street will label you a "junkie" without a second look.

That's just one scenario that can, and has happened to many high functioning, working people. In the mean time of all that you'll have weakened relationships, people worried about you, people mad at you or not sure what's going on. Eventually you lose friends. Sure some can make it work whether by middle manning, or using a certain amount at a certain time of day only. But that only lasts so long as it sets you up for addiction to other stuff down the line I mean hey you're doing heroin, why not pop a xanax or 2 when you're feeling rough? Boom dual addiction... Pretty soon you're in poverty unless mommy and daddy have a house and trust fund for you in which case yeah heroin is "glamorous" and "no big deal" until you looking like skeletor and unable to function and your version of "getting the day started" becomes driving to the hood or to meet with your dealer, scrounging up money any which way you can. It's truely terrible.

Not to mention the fact that alot of people actually end up dieing from their heroin use, or otherwise completely ruining their quality of life, and most wish that they had never started.

Heroin is literally the worst and it has cost me and many others ALOT of happiness in our lives, alot of misery and a lot of struggle. Go find some other hobby I mean if smoking weed makes you want to do heroin then you should probably stop smoking weed for a few years.

First of all i hope you are in a better state of mind right now and have been able to fight your addiction.

I have actualy no desire to shoot up heroin when i smoke weed. It's just the idea of being in a path and seeing how easy it is to get hooked, it just locks me in a state of paranoia ( especialy when i am high ) thinking the end of that path is actualy H or meth even.

The only thing that gives me a relief is i know 0 people who has touched heroin before and dont think i will ever do, due to the nature of my selection of friends.

 

[Moxious]

I have actualy no desire to shoot up heroin when i smoke weed. It's just the idea of being in a path and seeing how easy it is to get hooked, it just locks me in a state of paranoia ( especialy when i am high ) thinking the end of that path is actualy H or meth even.

The only thing that gives me a relief is i know 0 people who has touched heroin before and dont think i will ever do, due to the nature of my selection of friends.

This idea of there being a 'path' that you're set upon is a myth IMO, it's just the 'gateway drug' argument that has never held any reasonable weight. Don't feel guilty for doing something that doesn't hurt anyone. But pay attention because with some drugs it's hard to notice when you start hurting yourself

 

[EphemeralOutlet141]

Quit while you're ahead friend. I can tell you that this mindset is more or less what landed me with an expensive addiction and a rehab stay. I totally understand the fascination with the taboo, it's something that has bled into many other parts of my life beyond drug use. I've never been satisfied with normalcy. Living in moderation is boring as hell but living a life of extremes IS hell.

If you keep trying to raise the bar one day you'll look down and realize you're way higher up that ladder than you ever wanted to be. Believing that you can keep such a thing in check is a very dangerous game and you will more than likely lose spectacularly at it. I don't mean to imply that it's impossible to use without such consequences, I know people who can do it (I considered myself one of those people for 4 years), but the question isn't IF you can keep it up. It's more of a 'when will this blow up in my face' type deal.

The ride down sure is fun, but you hit the ground eventually.

 

[Lobsterbutch]

the fear is warrented, but you dont have to worry too much as long as you stay clear of opioids. not just heroin, mut all opioids for recreational use. everyone I knew who used opioids for fun had some degree of problems with them at some point, and everyone i know who did/does heroin started on much lighter opioids

 

[Sufferingparker]

That's pretty normal. I never had any guilt, which led me to actively pursuing a career as a meth junkie, but the curiosity is something I can strongly relate to. H is definitely the next on my bucket list

 

[FlyingDutchman342]

16 years into drug use that has spanned everything from IV heroin to heavy psychedelic use I can tell you that the guilt is always there...except when I'm getting off really good on some nice drugs

Honestly I feel no guilt.

Except when I used to do meth pretty sure that was because of all the weird porn I'd watch tho

That really reminded me of rehab. Some people people are prone to feel guilty, while others don't feel bad at all. I believe it really depends on your background.
Personally, I never felt bad about using drugs and saw it in another way than most people. IMHO criminalisation and prejudice are the reasons for the guilt addicts feel or as Kofi Anna put it: I BELIEVE THAT DRUGS HAVE DESTROYED MANY LIVES, BUT WRONG GOVERNMENT POLICIES HAVE DESTROYED MANY MORE.'

 

[LucidSDreamr]

∆ my guilt has nothing to do with societal stigma.

Its because opioids take so much of my attention and efforts away from things like loved ones and career and money and damaged health from IV use. Things that would lead to a happier life while opioids led to being broke and in WD.

That's why I would feel guilty. Ignoring these realities and blaming to only reason for guilt on societal convention is straight delusional

 

[lindsgoldilocks]

I worry a little bit about that too