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☮ Social ☮ PD Social Distancing Talk Thread: Swirly Congregation That's 100% Pandemic-Proof

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Oh, and I was pretty sure, but it's official as of the phone call a few hours ago -- I will be starting chemotherapy at 8AM Monday.

Its been awhile since we've discussed "IRL" locations... I don't think any current PDers are near Detroit, Michigan, but if you are, come visit me at Detroit Medical Center. :)
 
Welp my weekend is finally here. Going on two months of 55-60hr work weeks and probably wont be returning to 40hrs for another 2-3months (fingers crossed). If they want to keep paying us all $32/hr overtime X 15-20 every week have at it lol.

Im not even feeling like tripping this weekend wtf is that about!? Guess ill just stack up that extra money and put my recreational drug use on hold for a minute (except for cannabis. obviously:D) Hope everybody is having a good night. Im gonna clean up my place while my chicken breast is baking then I am sleeping deep hopefully create an entirely new brain frequency.
 
pharmakos said:
Oh, and I was pretty sure, but it's official as of the phone call a few hours ago -- I will be starting chemotherapy at 8AM Monday.

Its been awhile since we've discussed "IRL" locations... I don't think any current PDers are near Detroit, Michigan, but if you are, come visit me at Detroit Medical Center. :)
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I would man, if I lived anywhere near. Good luck dude, be strong, I know you will be though. :)

Today it's a full 8 hours in the studio, we're gonna try to lay down all the tracks for 3 songs. :) I'm excited, I have the next day phenibut effect which is when I play music the best and I took a low dose of proscaline as a music enhancer, it's been quite reliable for me that way. A little weed, no alcohol... it's gonna be so fun!
 
I'm actually really worried that I'm too weak for chemo this time :(. I've never gone into it in this rough of shape.
 
After being up for three days and two nights in a row (not tweaking or anything, just stressed out and refusing to over-medicate), I finally got four hours of sleep last night and had the most surreal dream about a park filled with musical instruments and a mafia-themed Italian restaurant! I just posted them on my Dream Journal thread.

I'm feeling sleepy so I'm about to smoke some mugwort resin, brush my teeth and hop into bed in hopes of another good night...​

pharmakos said:
I'm actually really worried that I'm too weak for chemo this time :(. I've never gone into it in this rough of shape.
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Oh man, I can't even imagine what you're going through right now. I hope that you have whatever you need to keep any potential anxiety at bay. I'm sure you'll do fine though. Usually the anticipation of something that sucks ends up being worse than the actual event a lot of times.

Thoughts, prayers and good vibes to you always, my friend...

Dreamflyer
 
pharmakos said:
not well at all :( which in a way is the hardest part
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I feel for you man, I truly do. When I was going through it, that was all I thought about. I was so worried about everyone. It's sad but my laid plans lead to my eventual isolation from nearly all those I loved. I love being alone as much as I do being with people in a way. The isolation just provided more heaing for me and I knew it would simply easier that way or so those were my thoughts. It's always the why's that kill people. With what I did I could've what I did it would be hard to trace back to much of anything except drug induced demise. Another druggie trying to have to much fun. Only my mother would've known the truth because I could never lie to her or anyone I loved really anymore. At that point I was fairly healed mentally. I just could never fix my or ailments. My insomnia got so bad. No real drug use for months. I was always an insomniac. Always. I just have periods where it can get bad. No more health insurance, little opitions or so I thought. No more medication for insomnia even though the medications didn't help really much anymore anyways. I would stay up sometimes for four days with little to no sleep. I was the healthiest I've ever been. Eating great, working out a large part of the day. Walking ten miles or up to twenty miles a day with my little dog and cat. It was great. Mentally I was very healed. My demons were laid to rest, as much as they can be when you have PTSD and anxiety. I gave myself such a long time frame for things to get better and unfortunately they only got worse. My mother was diagnosed. Of course I suggested gently that she walk her dog with me just to the end of the street everyday. Of course she had no interest. I saw where it was headed. She was already a goner from that moment at the doctor's office. She was an addict and she wouldn't stop. Her timeline was limited as was mine at the time. I was only worried about her. I tried to prepare her for the coming day. Without my levothyroxine for my hypothyroidism I knew it wasn't going to be good either. It never is. I could only sleep maybe six hours at a time. I'd wake up about every thirty minutes and it would take a lot of time to fall back asleep. This was going on for at least a year. I thought if I just worked out until I reached a point of physically breaking I could sleep. Wrong. My body just hurt like a mother fucker as I laid there... I loved myself and knew who I was even then. It was crazy though. Even sedatives and hypnotics didn't do too much for the insomnia save things like GHB and 1-ethynylcyclohexanol but their obviohsly unsustainable. The scarest thing for anyone was how rational I was about it. I just wasn't scared anymore. Life comes and it goes. You can die at any time, any momeny, any seomd. It's the ebb and the flow of it. The ouroboros. The yin and the yang. People say, "What if you were going to save the world?", well shit if someone's destined to that then they'd have to be there when they needed too if not it wasn't "fated" to happen now was it? There is no real "fate". Siddhartha Guatama said " ?I do not believe in a fate that falls on men however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act.". Also that there's "reasons" to be here, but to me reason is born from correlation not actual caustion IMO. If there's "reason" in this world, well that's mighty fucked up. Anyways though I was always worried about my loved ones. It is really the worst part IMO.

Time heals most all wounds as sad as that is too say. Just try to stay strong, I know your a strong person just from all our interactions. I know you care deeply. Just try to find a little energy to do the things you love. I know it's hard truly. I've been around a decent amount of people with cancer. It's small joys that can sustain you. I'm glad you were feeling opitimistic, that's important. Remember too that the love you created and touched upon people will never leave. What you did while you were here besides helping people(another form of gifting love and care to someone...)that is your legacy. Not you going to college or working some job, it's the love you created and distributed that changed others that may have reverberated to others, etc etc. The beautiful, eloquent meomries you made will live on. The meomries we've made will live on. I wish you would've came to visit axl when you wanted so we could've met! It could definitely still happen but your definitely up on the top of my "People from Bluefight.ru!"and have been since way back when. I remember when we talk about psychedelics, dissociatives, cannabinoids, drugs in general, life, and it's beauty but also it's fuckedness! It was awesome, I miss it! I'll always remember that! The care, concern, worry, compassion, and love that won't disappear! When I couldn't really get online to check BL I was so worried about you. I think about you daily anyways but then I was so worried to see what was happening when I finally came back... When I got a library card I made it a point to get on their computer just to check this thread to make sure you were alright when I first got the card. I was so happy to see you still around but obviously a bit devastated that none of your treatments were working.... Knowing you on here for basically decade now(damn time flies!) I've seen the love you've spread here. It's a lot! So in life where your actually interacting with a lot of people, I'm sure it's even more! Your milestones are important but more for you but that love you put out there? No question!
 
pharmakos said:
I'm actually really worried that I'm too weak for chemo this time :(. I've never gone into it in this rough of shape.
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You can do this man, you're fucking stronger than you know <3

How is it going mate?
 
swilow said:
How is it going mate?
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checked in to the hospital yesterday, and there was a scheduling mix up... was supposed to get my PICC line inserted right away, but the scheduling nurse forgot to set that up... even tho i was schedule for admission, chemo, everything else... even tho when i talked to her on the phone Friday i reminded her i need a PICC line, and she said "oh yeah that's in my stack of things to do."

i didn't start chemo until a half hour ago, despite showing up at the hospital at 8AM yesterday morning... 31 hours ago.
 
Doge's im def getting some sherdz in the next few days soon as I get this bread
Hopefully I may hit DC next week (on the sherdz. Plan is get sherdz have it the day before or day of then ride down with my boy and then go see LTJ bukem fuckin wrecked off eating that shit)
I'm mad bored lately but I'm kickin it
I have to find a new job tho.
 
^I have to find a new job too brah. Got put on 90 day probation for "insubordination" today. It's not fuckin' insubordination if my superior is 19. It's just me telling a go'damn kid off. I'm outa this job within a month. I ain't standin' for this shit.
 
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Gonna trip tomorrow HARD. Its been 3 weeks I think. Anyways SUPER excited because the weather will be perfect. No unexpected people that I dont want to be tripping around possibly showing up. Going with 4-aco-dmt. Ive taken 20mg twice, one week apart, and found it lacking but still enjoyable. Could have also been due to my benzo use. Nothing crazy mg wise. Decided on 30mg for tomorrow
 
30mg can take you pretty deep if it wants to. You're in for a good time, SharedHalucination.
 
I have decided to try giving up alcohol completely, once and for all.

I hardly drank at all for a long time, but after my dad passed away a few months ago I started consuming around 8-12 beers a day, which is a lot for me... especially with the antidepressants and anxiety medications that I'm on.

A few days ago I had 8, yesterday I had 6 and today I had 4. I plan on having 2 tomorrow then taking the plunge. Wish me luck!

PS - SWIM's pet iguana wants to know how it can convince a doctor to prescribe Fentanyl for less than ten cents a patch... JUST KIDDING! I'm just feeling silly tonight and wanted to see how many rules I could break in one sentence!

=D
 
Xorkoth said:
Whoa... I'm sitting here at my desk, near my front doors which are french doors with glass panes so they're see-through. A bear walked up the stairs and I looked up and was shocked to see a pretty large male bear staring at me through the door, about 10 feet away from me. Gave me a little burst of adrenaline although I've had lots of encounters with bears here and have never had any problems. I actually really like black bears, they're cool, smart and pretty non-aggressive. But you still don't like getting surprised by them. We looked at each other for a minute and he walked back down the stairs and out of my yard.
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Nice!
We have been getting a shit load of rain lately... I walked out on my dock to check on the boat, make sure the bilge pump was working and what not. Tightened down the cover and looked down at the water and saw what I thought was a large half sunk buoy had floated under my lift.
Looked closer and it was a Manatee! He flipped on his belly and put his flippers up at me. He apparently was attracted to the fresh water running out of the boat. I got the hose and turned it on and gave him a drink! He was up out of the water drinking from my hose for 10 minutes! I could almost pet him if the tide were higher! Coolest thing Ive seen in a while! The bugs were so bad though I couldnt take it an more and had to say good day to my new friend.... I am hoping he comes back so I can show my son.

Nature is neato!
 
^That's good mate <3 Stay positive!
 
hey everyone. I really should bop around in here more frequently. I'm glad to see HELP?!? posting because I had been wondering about that guy!

I'm praying for ya pharmakos!

I have a job at a farmers market grocery store and my managers are total assholes too. I'm going to try to get a new job ASAP

I've been getting into bodybuilding and i've built about 15 lbs of muscle this year so far. I started at 140ish and now I'm 160ish with maybe 2.5% more body fat (which is very easy for me to get rid of) ...I'm hoping to make it to 175 lbs of pure muscle if I can. I know theres like a separate forum for bodybuilding/steroid stuff but I really like posting in the PD soc' lol I miss yous guyz

I've been taking GABA to help optimize endogenous Growth Hormone release and its been making me feel damn skippy and I'm sleeping better than I have in a long time.

I went to a lot of festivals in the past month and I'm pretty worn out from partying. there was one day I took two hits of acid in the middle of the desert at a festival and started drinking and ended up overheating really bad :eek:


my fingers and face started feeling tingly and kind of painful and numb and I thought I was about to have a seizure! I managed to get over it but it would have been really bad if I did have a seizure cuz someone would have probably had to drive me out of the desert to the hospital like 40 minutes away. After I calmed down I ended up feeling very foggy and tripping really hard to the point that I kept thinking I was about to walk into peoples tent wiring (but I didn't realize I wasn't really seeing tent wiring at all, just psychedelic visuals)

Then I went on to take some sass and some ketamine and nitrous and holy shit it was like mental fireworks

cheers bredren
 
So I decided that trying to sell shit door to door again was a good idea. You think I would have learned my lesson with fucking Kirby Vaccums 10 years ago.

That is what I get for responding to detail lacking craigslist adds and showing up for an "interview" after talking to a guy on the phone for 30 seconds. That's how you get roped into spending 2-3 weeks selling meat door to door. Only stayed because I saw the dude I rode with pocket 300-400$ the first day out. I'm like fuck, i have a felony, i need a car, if I can just turn into a salesman for a few months I'll be okay. I sold a little, but this shit is just not for me. Got one pistol pulled on us, another guy shoving the guy I rode with saying he was going to get his gun (and shoot us and go to jail, what a fucking moron). Everyone up there is either on meth or used to be. Last guy I rode with had open beers all day while we rode around.

I'm like, fuck this place. I'm starting to lose money, I'm not making shit, everyone here is crazy, and this is the worst job in the world.

So I quit that, and I'm just stuck. I feel like shit and I dunno what to do anymore. Down to about 3mg Diclaz, started at 6-7mg a few months ago. So that's good I suppose. Just use kratom and oil/cannabis concentrate now. Fall off with drinking again last week. Kinda quit again. It's just fucking everywhere and I'm a fucking alcoholic.

I'm having the worst cravings for dissociatives though. The day I quit that door to door job, I was so depressed, I slept from like 11pm to 4pm the next day. Woke up and just laid in bed. Finally turned on some music and spent a few hours watching Youtube videos of punk rock/hardcore concerts. That makes me happy,j I love stagedives.

I basically just hid in my room not wanting to deal with my mom yelling at me about getting a job, being a fuckup, or getting out of the house. At this point I don't know how much I'd even care. It's like, okay, let me pack what I can, get on a bus and fuck everybody. Probably end up suicided but fuck it.

It's crazy, I found a single dose stash of 3 meo pcp I had brought to a concert and didn't take. I took it that night and started feeling like life is cool again. Had a long conversation with my friend, was feeling up and motivated. Even went down and talked to my mom so she knew I wasn't laying up there dead.

The next day she's like "well why are you so down today, you seemed up and excited about life last night". I didn't have the heart/balls to tell her it was only because of the very same drugs she flushed down the toilet a few weeks ago. I'm seriously about to just order some ketamine or o pce beause fuck it right. I don't know how to live sober, I don't know how to live being 33, living in your shitty 20k person hometown, having no skills, nothing. I guess it's back to getting on my bike, getting a shitty restaurant job. I have enough saved where I think I'll just put $1k down on a car and use whatever job I have as credit. I am in refinery/chemicAL PLANt area, so get car, get job working a plant shutdown. 7-12s for like 3 months. Then have enough money to go spend the year skydiving and hopefully make that into a career.

There, it sounds so easy, why can't I just fucking do it and stop getting fired/quitting jobs.

ps: TNW, wish there was something I could do or say everyone else hasn't. Makes me feel guilty for being mopey, while probably anyone in your shoes would be like "fuck I'll trade with you"
 
Hey yepyep, good to hear from you. You know, I have a friend who was in a really low place a few years back. He just saved some money, bought a vehicle, and traveled around living in his truck skydiving, climbing and base jumping... after a while he ended up doing like 500 skydives, he was making money doing skydiving photography. I mean, not much money, but he was surviving and he was happy about what he was doing. Eventually he came back feeling like a new man, and started a business doing deck work (staining, washing, fixing, etc)... he just created fliers and started direct mailing and getting business, he didn't have any training except just a general past of doing stuff with his dad and whatnot. These days he's pulling in $10k some months and is about to buy his first land and is building a house on it. He's super happy, has a great girlfriend and they're having a baby. A few years back he was living with me in order to not be homeless and was in such a different place. Doing something you love or at least like makes a big difference. The rest of it sort of fell into place over time.

I'm super stressed right now... trying to refinance my mortgage, which is great, I'll be getting a better rate, borrowing an extra $25k, slightly lower monthly payment than I have now, and I'm using that extra money to do some house repairs, most notably to replace my roof. But I have to get an appraisal and have it come in at a certain value or higher. I know I've had some leaks for years, but I thought I fixed them. However, when clearing out a closet that has shit packed in it, I discovered a bunch of black mold and a soggy ceiling. I need to figure out some way to hide that or else I fear my house's value will be too low. Not to mention, shit like that is really bad and expensive to fix. The damage is substantially more extensive than I thought. It's been raining almost every day this month and today it's been pouring and storming all day. I am fucking sick of the rain, rain makes me anxious because of this shit, I hate it. Why the assholes I bought this house from had to do a shitty job installing a skylight is beyond me. If any of you guys ever own a house that has a roof leak, please consider doing something about it right away. I mean I was dead broke and massively in debt when it started, from opiate addiction. But still. I could have done something. Now it's gonna be way harder. I have the appraisal scheduled for Thursday but I'm trying to get it moved to 2 weeks from now... I'm gonna go visit my family and see my dad on Friday and be gone for 9 days. It's likely the last time I will ever see him while he can still talk at all because he can barely speak now... might be the last time I see him before he's laying there and gets unplugged. Which is probably a big part of why I feel so stressed. Fuck I'm rambling. Time to go to the studio and finish my tracking for 3 new songs... always good for cheering up some.

On the plus side I got back from my first Burn this weekend, it was 300 people, so quite small, and I had a fucking awesome time. When I have more time I'll tell some stories from it.
 
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