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48 hours and three years

achemicalreaction

achemicalreaction

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 6, 2018
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321
(Detox Journal) 48 hours and three years

At about the 48hr mark. It started with percs from my boss three years ago and turned into a daily oxy addiction. Did an outpatient rehab fifteen months ago and got completely clean and relapsed couple months later, daily again for at least the past year. not sure when the last time I’ve been without for more than 48hrs. Been tapering in my head for months but it never really happened, always pick it right back up. The habit never got huge, maybe 60mg oxy a day. Excelled at work but barely socialize. Methodical dosing ever 4 hours and wake rise repeat. Sorry for the ramble, been lurking here for a couple years. I want to stay clean. I want to change my life. But I feel so paralyzed. I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist and lie to them both. I am ashamed.
Hoping I can stick with the cold turkey. Did a very fast taper over four days. Clonidine, Xanax (prescribed), ambien seroquel vitamin b. Xanax is a whole different story and been prescribed for the past 21 years, at age 15.
Alright wish me luck I guess.

edit: doesn’t look like I get to sleep tonight again. Anyone able to recommended a good book? I’ve been reading The Dual Disorders Recovery book, but wouldn’t mind a few more recommendations.
guess it’s worth mentioning I’ve had major depression/gad/panic disorder/ptsd since I was in my teens and anything in that vein would interest me.
 
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Well, we all know w/d’s suck. Thinking of going to my first NA meeting tomorrow. Haven’t been able to move around a lot but got a tiny burst of energy a bit ago that I was able to pick up a tiny bit of the past week of mess from taper and w/d. Always been extremely nervous to go. Am I allowed to go if I’m still withdrawing? Last dose was 10mg on Thursday morning.
 
I guess this is a journal now.
Called my best friend and told her the truth - high since my last rehab. Lot of tears but she’s going to try and come to a meeting with me. None of my friends knew I was still using. Depression part is definitely peaking right now. But I did feel some sort of relief telling her. Especially since I’ve been touch and go socially.
I think the depression is what gets me the worst, the relapsing.
 
My friend helped me today. Pipes in my building frozen and I desperately needed a hot shower, haven’t left my place since last Thursday. Glad that I finally asked someone for help. My timeline is messed up, I think it’s been closer to four years. Guess that’s what the drugs do.
She went with me to my first NA meeting. Never thought I would go. I cried reading one of the things out loud. The people were nice. I’m not religious so I don’t know what to think, but I m going to try the meetings. Bitterly cold walk home actually felt good, in a painful sort of way.
 
Feeling pretty weak. Did the whole rummaging around drawers half heartedly in case I had something left.. I know I don’t and it’s a good thing. Tea and sunrise. Good morning Day 5.

edit: what’s scaring me the most is relapse. I got this detox.
 
Feeling some trepidation about going to another meeting tonight. As far as I can tell I’m not considered sober because I take meds for mental health stuff. I don’t really understand that attitude, I’ve never abused those drugs.
 
Chemical,

When you hear / read the god- replace it with whatever you want as a higher power. It could be 'door knob', it doesn't matter. Another good ole' NA adage to keep in mind- 'take what you need and leave the rest'. There are all kinds of people in the rooms of NA- they don't all believe in the same thing. The other day I went to meeting and heard 'God' and 'Him' so much I almost left, and I have been in the rooms since 2000. I sometimes forget that I have to listen to the message and not the words.

If you are on mental health meds, that is just fine. When you decide to commit to the program and get a sponsor, you can share with them. Until then, if you are uncomfortable with the thought of someone placing judgement on that, you don't have to share. Listen to how the program works, not what the other people there think of you. They don't know you, and if they need to pass judgement, that is their problem. Remember that their shit isn't yours to deal with... it is theirs. Hold your head high, and listen to others talk. Do you hear something that you want that someone else has? After the meeting, ask them how they got it!

Take good care of yourself, you're worth it!

Faith, hope- grsh
 
Another really good tip- Find a meeting where the majority of discussion is regarding how to stay clean, how to deal with life, etc. You will find that there are some NA meetings that talk to much about drug use... this is not the message of recovery. Also, find one where you can tell that people are respectful of whom ever is speaking... this is sometimes hard to find.

Good luck!
 
Well, I tried to go to another meeting. Walked 20 minutes in the frozen grey shit of NYC, only to arrive and the building was closed due to heat being broken. This is a bit ranty, but, pipes been frozen in my building for a week. No hot water. When I got back from the non meeting, water pipe burst in my kitchen wall, which I had assured them it would, and now there’s a plumbers crack ripping up my walls and floors. Exact same thing happened last year. It took a month to fix. Old roommate and his gf are coming to stay with me from the west coast all next week. I just wanna get thru this detox in peace, wish hotels weren’t so damn expensive around here. Oh and my car is stuck. ARGHHHHHHHHH /rant
So back to something positivite, gosh there is so much useful info here. It’s fairly overwhelming. Sweet dreams. Thanks for reading.
 
Day 6 been alright. Did a bucket, pots and pan shower at 6am. Just the blahs mostly. One problem tho, is I found a small stash while cleaning. Haven’t taken any. But yeah duh I want to. I’m not going to be able to flush it I don’t think. What do you do when this happens? It’s been an hour since I found said stash. My friend is coming to another meeting with me tonight, so I won’t be alone in about an hour.

edit: nvm, she had to bail.
 
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Hi there. I'm glad you've made it through the past little while here. It's really awesome that you can look on the bright side of all the bullshit going on around you with pipes freezing and having to deal with that. My advice is to flush the stash you found - you'll thank yourself later.
 
Have you or anyone else around here been able to do this? Mostly curious because this hasn’t ever happened during a detox for me. Relapses 100% I went out and got more.

edit: Hoping not to sound un grateful for the advice. I have flushed fent before/bad drugs.

Meh.
 
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Not positive I am reading that right, are you asking if anyone has ever relapsed as part of getting clean? If that is it, then the answer is not only yes, but A LOT of yes! When I first got clean, I was clean for 3 years, relapsed. I kept it to a very short relapse, and I'm part of a small minority. A lot of people relapse, you will hear 'relapse is often part of recovery' often. Don't be discouraged. If you really can't flush that shit- give it back! You don't want it...

In faith- grsh
 
Sorry I didn’t articulate that well, but it’s good (not good?) to hear it’s not uncommon. I guess I was looking for specific experiences where you came across your DOC during early abstinence and how did you handle it? I want to snort every one of them, I know it’s a ticking time bomb. I left the house to go to a meeting, different spot, and that one was f’in closed as well. I then wandered around for an hour, found a hotline and managed to sit in on the last 20 min of one. So didn’t get much out of it. The logistics are frustrating especially since im still detoxing. Anyway, thanks again for the encouraging words. Trying to bring myself to get rid of them.
 
Guess I am starting over. Flushed half, but still have some which went into my body. It sucks when you see it a mile away. I argued with myself for hours. The high wasn’t even good. I had really messed up nightmares all night. Trying to remember that. I suck.
 
I often criticized myself immensely for "relapsing" (sorry I just dont find that word has any real value, hence the air quotes haha).
But it often led me to feeling worse about it then I needed and in turn led to more use.

So I say
No need to berate yourself. Mistakes happen. Learn from it and let it go.
If youre truly sincere about getting off this will be but a minor bump on the road to recovery.
 
that is definitely whats happening. mental anguish and feeling selfish, guilty, etc.
agreed to turn over another half of stash to friend. deleting bad contacts etc. i feel guilty now that i've been posting on here so much. thanks again to all, will try and shutup for a few while i get back to it. sorry if any of this is annoying or newbie etc. i am feeling extremely lucky to have 2 friends left and compared to many here, not as huge a habit to kick or at least some reasonable circumstances to get clean and stay that way.
<3
 
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Honestly do not feel bad for posting here...
Just think of it as a journal, hell theres even a label for your thread if you want as "recovery" or "addiction" journals. Which btw I suggest doing, journalling that is. Be it here or IRL, a journal is so beneficial for me to get out my nagging thoughts.

Congrats on ditching your stash and deleting contacts. It may seem like a small step but give yourself some credit. Any and every step in the right direction is just that, a step in the right direction. And that, to me, is worth recognizing, as cliche as that may sound.
 
Nice to see I'm not the only one having conversations with myself :D

Don't worry, I'll be dramatic so everyone avoids me not you
 
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