sleep deprivation/pschosis/paranoia & me
leading up to the question of sanity, was about 2 days of bad decisions, resulting in the next 70 hours awake (at least). The first day of no sleep isn’t ever that different for me, especially because adderal is more common to me and I️t kind of had the same come down, well then about day two hit me, still no concern, and n really feeling tired. I remember being jittery as hell though and tried to keep to myself, start my researching which can last several hours. That evening it started off with visuals, almost like lsd but on a way lower scale and they would’ve been like bug looking guys floatin towards you, or any shadow or objects that could possibly look like a human or something else dark, you’d see thrm out of the corner of your eye or if you focused on the lights or things floating. Honestly stuff like that kills my vibe more than scare me, and i still could realize what the circumstances are and this is only happening because of this. Mind over matter. Objects kind of creeped me out, just old people posted up somewhere so you’ll notice. Lighting helped with mine a lot. So if i didn’t like an “object” I’d just leave or turn on more lights. The only instance in this phase that spooked me was going to get in my car, out in the woods from a friends house and when i got in, an old ugly woman’s face appeared against my passenger window. Gunned it right out of that sucker, oh and another thing the towns and cities or streets all seems to have this rain/Cloud/dust falling down or coming up, weird. This is what i thought psycosis entailed. Cool man just kinda like acid. Ha. No way. But i remained in this impaired state for about a night, oh and i remember the buttons on my phone were soooo blurry, i have 20/20vision but moving the phone back and fourth was the only way to make out anything. Oh and sparkles, my face and other objects appeared glittery, in the worst way.
then shit got real , or maybe not
the next morning (still no sleep) i started my bath and kind of heard like background music, figured the tv or something. Then discover that the music is coming from phone, but it’s nothing that i’ve ever heard, and ITS RAPPING ABOUT ME AND MY LIFE AND EVEN INSTANT THOUGHTS OR COMEMTAING MY MOVEMENTS. Couldn’t depict any familiary to the voice just yet. Im talking skill, like rhyming and everything. still, i’m taking this lightly, again considering it’s lack of sleep, and still aware that it’s probably just me coming down. the voice continues to engage in whatever i ‘m doing and after my phone died, he’d transform into another form of technology, and let me know he was still there...slightly creeped out ...decided to go for a drive. DUMB REAL DUMB. i zoom to get gas. purposefully left my phone off while I was driving there and right before i shut the car door, “he” said im coming too.i kind of chuckle and slam the door. the voice is recognizable... it’s my highschool sweetheart who is currently serving in Colorado. Now we are making snide commments jokingly back and fourth, i was hesitate at first plus i was in public. & this seemed crazy but i charged my phone back up anyway, it was almost if he was in my car. my cell phone laid next to me, and from then on he mainly communicated with me through songs or adds, rarely being able to really tell me much just by talking and meanings of songs, he then told me to drive to a sentimental spot from our childhood, he . Still skeptical i thought what the hell ya know, he is spirit form looking, not a ghost but clear. If i don’t look directly at him parts of him you’d get glimpses or a clear yet crystallized vague outlines of him. So he’s showing me something through these songs, a lot of sentimental stuff that is leading me to a story but i don’t know the ending yet, emotionally drained from the ups and downs and confusion on what i am supposed to be catching on to, all of it clicks. He tells me through song that he loves me so much and we can’t stay here together because he’s going to heaven and he’s talking a list about everything I need to do, which i tuned out realizing my one true love is dead. i am hysterical frantically asking what happened and what is going to happen and if he can stay with me forever like this, he again replies with songs, about our past the good and the bad, and then told me i was pregnant. He asked if I’d like to marry him and that way we could be forever together, an emotionally wrecked, sleep deprived me, was ready! He asked me to drive to the first place we met, and back up and park my car. He had a wedding set up but it’s all with his people and friends who of course look like him. We all danced and he proposed, and asked me to join him in heaven, all i had to do was take my shoes off by this car, jump a fence and get to the highest point (he was godlike in the sky at this point) how fucking ridiculous, i must have looked to bistanders i thought, but this was the love of my life! Climbing through trees and rocks in attempt to get high enough or get in. We would hold hands (the god version of him) and he was trying to get me to come up there. The clouds would whirl but for some reason he couldn’t, so frustrated and upset, paranoia began...i kept hearing a man say call the cops. And then putting facts together like they were setting me up. That he was actually the one that killed someone in a crash, and needed someone to frame. And i have vague memories of thinking this was the alluminati, and realized that this guy who I’d been talking to all day was not Kam, he sounded like him and snuck in my blootooth and new everything about me, but how could they fly like that, i don’t believe in this shit which is a good representation of how gone i truly was. They were leading me to the body walking on belongings of those people and getting foot prints here and planting stuff there... but knew the gig was up and returned to my car, called my dad and the worst part out of all of this is when you realize that none it happened. But not until you swear it did and cry and cry because YOUR HEAD DID THAT, ALL OF IT. now im confused as hell, feeling everything over and over again, and embarrassed, and at a complete loss that my brain was capable and my soul was so naive but it’s an entirely different world of laws when you’re in this state of mind. Never again will there be an opportunity for this to happen again.
so you’ve beaten daily use? How? I feel like I’m in a hole I can’t get out of.
