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Addiction Tightening the Screws

The last couple days are a severe blur. Why did I ever think grain alcohol would be a good idea
 
Oh man does this post paint a clear picture into what our minds become once it hits the point where nothing else matters but just getting through to the next fix... I am right there with you and clawing myself out as we speak... I am tired of the neverending cycle of people putting on a front or faking an image. So much so to where people even act like family! However, it gets to the point to where none of us have anybody left we all are like family. It gets so crazy out there I just need to get back to a clearer reality again.
 
Broke up got back together at a highschool party thrown by her brother drinking grain alcohol for 3 days straight. What an awful night.

Had my first highschool party with my girlfriends brother. Me and my girlfriend got trashed on good ol 190 proof grain alcohol (after we had blackout sex me thinkso) fought for a couple hours (half a day?) We broke up, then got back together again, but then I broke up with her again and now we're happily back together.
 
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cyberius said:
Broke up got back together at a highschool party thrown by her brother drinking grain alcohol for 3 days straight. What an awful night.
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My writing abilities are taking a hit.

Wish I could take a hit.

I know this is against the rules.. but..
<snip>

Anyways I almost joined the army after having an alcoholic temper tantrum. I want to die, yadda yadda. I'm 180% sure my girlfriend is going to cheat on me but the extra 100% cancels itself out. I'd say about 20% now but who knows what's real in my mind anymore.

Therapist doesn't say I have psychosis but he doesn't know what the hell is wrong with me just yet. Were bonding on that level my dude, we both have no idea what tf is goin on my head.
 
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This feels like my own private club of thoughts that everyones invited to (I feel so spashul). Meth makes me want to be the center of the universe and one day I'm probably going to have a chuckle looking at how annoying these drugs made me.

Fish oil helps miles on solving the inability to express myself. I'm taking it at 2000mg a day and it enhances my cognition in leaps and bounds. Additionally, my regimine of 200mg 5-htp a day has really began grounding me in reality and sort of purging the garbage in my head. Feeling somewhat hopeful today.
 
Started lifting weights today, on my arms. Ran into a really bothersoms issue

My biceps vaporized, but my mind does not understand. I picked up my 35 pound dumbell still in the same spot as last time and tried to do a curl and no bueno? My arms felt no resistance or pain and I wasnt able to do it. I returned to a pitiful 7 pounds, did my sets pitifully without any resistance but holy sh*t I feel sore. I didn't even feel really any burn until way after I was finished. My legs are pure usda approved beef steak but my arms areautistic soy based chicken sausages with no meaning. It's like the meth ate my big guy mascles but left the big guy mascle nerves in muh noggin
 
Been almost a week since my last post. I've been sober since the grain alcohol incident when I sobered up a bit mentally. I've noticed life is only unmanageable when I'm using. When I'm sober for a period of time I can communicate more efficiently and the darkness doesn't look nearly as dark as it does when I'm using. I'm beginning to get a handle on my addiction issues and while the problem still exists I believe I'm more capable of taking control of myself when I really need to than I was months ago in active addiction.

One of the hardest lessons for addicts I believe is truly minding the gifts we've always taken for granted. Your time is incredibly valuable and drugs are a huge waste of that time. While you may be high for 12, or even 72 hours on your heaviest bendor, you're using that times at least seven until you're able to function fully again. It's simply not worth it to run, futile even; the work you're putting off will find you, in my case especially, corner you. I quit drugs because I was at the brink of unleashing full blown schitzophrenia (Thanks mom for letting me know my late grandma was a paranoid schitzophrenic... great timing...) and I had to take one of the many last chances my merciful guardian angel is giving me to sober up or face a lifetime of suffering.
 
Glad to see you around cy. Hope you're doing well.
 
If I ever think about using I'm coming right back here, I need to drill these three words into my mind.

Chemical

Induced

Neurosis


The only thing worse than endless depression is an endless tide of unpredictable moods caused by a chemical imbalance that can't be treated. The amount of horrible decisions I've made due to this is stark, and I'd be in college on a full tuition for engineering right now if it wasn't for this bullshit. For a month after light usage (in comparison to past use) I suffer endless emotional pain and agitation.
 
Addiction can be a cold harsh cycle.
Im learning that to break the cycle I have to learn a little something from each relapse. And apply it, moving forward, as a preventative measure.
Ive been trying to get off (booze) for a few years now. Im off and on but Im learning.
About myself and about my addiction (what causes these lapses, the effects that they have and for how long after, and ways to help avoid them).
The lessons arent easy. And sometimes I need a repeat.

Im glad to see that youre learning too.
Try not to beat yourself up too much (I find it never helps).
Just focus on moving forward.

Much love cyb <3
toc
 
Drinking wine tonight with the lady and desperately hoping this doesn't fling me down the stairs like the last time I drank.

Having a routine has helped drastically in keeping my mind in a positive frame. I used to look at self help and scoff at it thinking it was just not for me but when I'm moving in a better direction I'm much more open to things not directly related to where I am now.

Wellp gotta go. Post back later.
 
You have an amazing intellectual mind, cyberius. I remember once a psychologist listed a seemingly endless list of mental illnesses and conditions that he was ascribing to my late son. I said, "That's quite a list. I'm not sure I buy it, but as someone that does, what would you say can help him? Do you see any hope?" He said, "Oh definitely. One thing that is also true of your son is that he is very intelligent and it is his own rational mind that can override everything that is challenging him psychologically."

I thought that was interesting but didn't really understand it until I began to see the web of addiction (chemical induced neurosis as you put it). The rational mind is under full attack by addiction.

How did it go with the wine? Were you able to moderate?
 
herbavore said:
You have an amazing intellectual mind, cyberius. I remember once a psychologist listed a seemingly endless list of mental illnesses and conditions that he was ascribing to my late son. I said, "That's quite a list. I'm not sure I buy it, but as someone that does, what would you say can help him? Do you see any hope?" He said, "Oh definitely. One thing that is also true of your son is that he is very intelligent and it is his own rational mind that can override everything that is challenging him psychologically."

I thought that was interesting but didn't really understand it until I began to see the web of addiction (chemical induced neurosis as you put it). The rational mind is under full attack by addiction.

How did it go with the wine? Were you able to moderate?
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Appreciate the sentiment, thank you :). Drugs really do cloud the mind.

Drinking a glass of wine left me relaxed, calm, and eager to get messed tf up. I think I'm beginning to pace myself a lot more now, I think the bottle will last me and my gal a whole night rather than an hour o_O
 
Snorted a couple wellbutrin SR pills today and lo and behold the results were actually strikingly positive. I noticed my thoughts quickly reorganized themselves, my cigarette cravings went down, and I was able to focus a lot better. It's now about nine-ish hours later and I'm coming down very gracefully. It seems this drug really alleviated a lot of mental pressure without the negatives of other substances and pharmaceuticals.

The overall effects were a sudden but mild rush I'd rate a 2/10 while coke is a 10/10, and what followed was a warm and bright euphoria. Cathinones generally have a more friendly recreational profile while amphetamines are more aggressive in comparison. My dose was 450mg but I have a tolerance.

I mean yeah I just snorted 450mg of pills (oof) trying to get high so I'm obviously still a junkie, but I think if I took these as prescribed I'd be a lot better off.
 
The other night I had a complete freakout.

One of the most phenomenal parts of my recovery are the moments where god just holds my head under water and forces me to swim

My vision is getting inexplicably better, my focus is improving, moods stabilizing, and my everlasting cravings for euphoriants are diminishing. This has not come without a price though. My drug cravings are now evolving into tides of overwhelming guilt. Since I've surrendered to an indefinite sober future without escape I've allowed myself to feel the full blunt of reality. As an addict my vision tunneled to one thing but as recovery progresses I can't do that anymore so I'm forced to see how distorted my life once was in full detail.

I'm a little bit drunk tonight so this may be alittle bit unclear, and I marked no desire to drink. I only drank socially with the lady and I conducted myself with healthy restraint the whole time.
 
Chances are I might have a job.

Hopelessly addicted to starbounr.

If I come into a lot of money (possible total inheritance), I'm going to purposely plunge into meth addiction
 
Why would you do that? You’ll end up not having anything or dying of a heart attack or stroke.
 
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