Recovery Needing to fix my life!!

[Atmozfears]

25 year old male here. Severely depressed since I was 13-14, generalized anxiety disorder and after a suicide attempt I was diagnosed ADHD.

I want to die. I think of suicide multiple times daily. I used meth for a good year or so, nearly straight because my best friend was a dealer and I'd run for him sometimes. We bonded and became closer than ever. He was my best friend, my other half, like a brother to me.

Unfortunately he was murdered by four meth heads, one which he thought he trusted but set him up. Won't go into details of his death but did not deserve it, he was only 21. I feel lost without him. I want to go admit myself to the hospital because I just feel completely lost, empty, almost feel nothing.

I can't stop buying drugs online. I use every single $$ I get on research chemicals or cocaine or hydromorphone but mostly RCs. Sick of letting my parents and brother down. put them through a lot of meth psychosis I went through.

Where do I start? I don't even eat, hardly sleep these days and I'm just done and I know my buddy (rest his soul) would want this for me.

I been a poly-substance addict forever and I' m afraid I can't stop. It's almost like veins, drug veins holding me down and I can't go on anymore.


This will be a journal of my soberness (aside from etizolam dosed as needed)... I live in a shitty place and its tough for me to get the help I need. I feel so lost. 25 years old and nothing to show for it. so I come here to discuss my feelings and quitting drugs, even marijuana. I will make a doctors appointment today. Then the long process to psychiatrist refferal (only one in town believe that!).. last time I was on the list for over a year, still no call. I self harm for some reason, I hate it - and the urges keep coming.

I'm in Canada. I'm not these drugs. These drugs aren't me and I'm going to do something with my life. Do I start with a new GP or my lifelong one? I'm sure alllllll my drug use is on my chart. Might just go to a mental facility.

Last year I broke my back and almost drowned thanks to too much meth! If youre interested in the story i should be dead.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling mate. I'll get back to your thread more later, but in the mean time, have you considered looking into treatment? If you have struggled with opioid use a good outpatient based ORT program that uses buprenorphine or methadone can add a lot of positive stability to your life and get you away from the unwise drug use. I'd think you would do better with methadone giving that it sounds like you need more structure than most buprenorphine programs can provide, but at this point nearly any form of outpatient treatment would definitely be worthwhile looking into.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

That is very rough. Stay strong.

 

[simco]

OP, if you have the energy, could you tell us a bit more about what you're trying to quit? That is, which drugs were most problematic for you (I'm assuming meth, but are there others?)? How much were/are you doing? What ROAs?

How are you feeling now? If you're really feeling desperate, don't overthink it--get someplace safe. Simply walking into the ER is all you gotta do. Of course sometimes it's better to research where you want to go and what kind of program (e.g. psych vs substance use treatment) you want. But checking into the ER has the advantage that it's easy and will get you out of danger quickly.

 

[Atmozfears]

My apologies. I want tto quit everything and eventually even nicotine. Meth cravings have become bearable. My last best friend I got left is now geting into Dialudid and I've been havin a bit myself.

The MAIN THING - research chems. stims, dissos, benzos, everything. Its so hard not to purchase clearnet drugs they are so easy.

I might go to a nice mental facility actually. Last night I drank washer fluid for cars (lol) but just hurt a lot, sigh, so next stop is institutiton.

On the bright side I did get my ADHD meds yet they still looked at me like a criminal ... my whole seven 10mg a week ..

I guess I'm trying to get my life on track. Get a trade ? Go to school? I cant continue doing nothing sitting at moms, im 25 I feel bad enough doing drugs here.

I'm gonna go for substance use treatment, already got the ADHD diagnosis now I just have to stop the mental thoughts of benzos.

thx fr er all the replies gusy!

 

[simco]

Do you know where you want to go for inpatient? It's easy to agonize over finding exactly the right spot, and in some ways, this is a good thing to do. But you mentioned you live in a place where options are limited. If that's the case, I'd recommend finding which place has the best reputation and going for it. Perfection can be the enemy of the good when it comes to rehabs...that is, if you feel like inpatient would help, better to go somewhere pretty good rather than nowhere b/c you can't find someplace just right.

 

[herbavore]

I think it is fantastic that you are setting out to free yourself from the compulsion to be high. In a way it sounds like your drug use is like your self-harm--habitual, compulsive and leaves you feeling confused and even further divided from yourself. If you have been doing this since your earliest teens that is going to leave a giant hole in your life but look at it this way-- at only twenty five young years old you are confronting the most serious and powerful aspect of being human: how to create a life that fits the real you. If you've grown up in a very small town life can look prescribed and narrow but it's a big world out there and once you feel you are on more stable ground you may find that pursuing an interest (school, trade school, program) that leads you away from familiarity might be in your best interest.

Your determination is admirable. Try not to feel too bad over what you have put your family through. Sounds like they are a loving family and love transcends judgement in the end.

 

[Atmozfears]

I have the doctors referral for inpatient. So I should be going anytime soon, within the next 3-4 weeks. I'm prescribed Dexedrine XR 10mg daily and I just got my script and sadly I ran through it all in two days again. I get it weekly. I feel ashamed but I am going to get my mother to handle my medication for my when I get my refill next week. I have ADHD (diagnosed at age 23) and I plan to work with psychiatrists at the place I'm going about it as well as other things going on in my life. Thanks for all the positive posts from you guys, I really appreciate it. I've learned self-control with my benzodiazapine usage (I take etizolam sometimes) and now I need to learn to manage my dextroamph usage or else this could turn back to me doing meth daily like I was 6 months ago. I've cut myself off from everyone I know who does that stuff though after my best friend was murdered because he dealt drugs (incl. meth) and he always said I was better than this and I could do something with my life and he believed in me so much when I thought of myself of the biggest piece of useless shit ever (and still do). I miss him a lot.

Baby steps I guess. It is a big world out there indeed and I want to explore that world. I don't want to continue being a poly-substance addict and I sure as hell don't want to end up dead like my dear friend.

Thanks again, guys. and I apologize.

 

[cj]

You have nothing to apologize about you are why this forum exists. Keep your head up man. I've been where you are and I'm still here

 

[simco]

I have the doctors referral for inpatient. So I should be going anytime soon, within the next 3-4 weeks. I'm prescribed Dexedrine XR 10mg daily and I just got my script and sadly I ran through it all in two days again. I get it weekly. I feel ashamed but I am going to get my mother to handle my medication for my when I get my refill next week. I have ADHD (diagnosed at age 23) and I plan to work with psychiatrists at the place I'm going about it as well as other things going on in my life. Thanks for all the positive posts from you guys, I really appreciate it. I've learned self-control with my benzodiazapine usage (I take etizolam sometimes) and now I need to learn to manage my dextroamph usage or else this could turn back to me doing meth daily like I was 6 months ago. I've cut myself off from everyone I know who does that stuff though after my best friend was murdered because he dealt drugs (incl. meth) and he always said I was better than this and I could do something with my life and he believed in me so much when I thought of myself of the biggest piece of useless shit ever (and still do). I miss him a lot.

Baby steps I guess. It is a big world out there indeed and I want to explore that world. I don't want to continue being a poly-substance addict and I sure as hell don't want to end up dead like my dear friend.

Thanks again, guys. and I apologize.

Like cj said, you've got nothing to apologize for. I think you're already making good progress (getting things set up with your docs is a big step).

Are you going to be OK with that 3-4 week delay to get into inpatient?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Where are you located in the world Atmoz? If you're in CA, particularly SoCal, I can give you some good recommendations on treatment providers (or at least help you vet any you're looking into).

My fellow mods have said, you have NOTHING to apologize or feel ashamed about. This is a process, often entirely about trial and error. That means mistakes are very likely, but also the foundation for our growth. Nothing is as useful as a learning experience than working on bouncing back from our missteps and errors.

It is up to you to try and be kind and gentle with yourself though. Unless you work on practicing self compassion and loving kindness towards yourself, it will be really hard to turn obstacles into opportunities. All it takes is being a little less hard on yourself

 

[Atmozfears]

I live up in Canada, we have a nice facility in my province, probably one of the best in the province if not the country. Thank you for the offer though, my friend! I'll try not being so hard on myself, though I have issues with that (obviously..)

I think I'll be good in the time being until I get into the facility. I've lowered my benzo usage quite a lot and no longer use daily, I cut off all contacts that I used to do drugs with, all that. I've been asked if I wanted to do some meth but I turned it down the other day. I was proud of myself, for once, finally.


I really wonder what's in store for me in the future. It's so daunting and scary, kinda. I'm 25 and I feel like I'm not an adult. I hate that feeling so much. I want to get my life in gear and make my mother proud because I really put her through some bad shit growing up. I'm going to regret it so much when she passes away eventually so I want to kind of make her proud as well. Of course I'm not getting help only for her, but mainly for myself. My life's a lot more lonely now that my pal died and I'm just ...pretty excited for this change. Thanks for the positive vibes, you guys! You're all awesome.

 

[MrRoot]

I hear you. You have gone through a alot of rough stuff.

You remind me of my fiancee especially when you say you are 25 and don’t feel like an adult.

She was also a polydrug user after turning 12 until these last few months and she will have her 26th birthday soon.

Also she was lost, empty and actually felt nothing before meeting me and I was in a same kind of feelings too when we met.

That was over half a year ago and during that time thanks to love and basic life that comes when two people sticks together and decides to change their course in life and with a help from dialective behaviour therapy.

Before DBT had started to sunk in our heads we had some rough time as her emotions went from zero to out of scale within seconds as she had never had those basic emotions that belong to normal relationship and it all was new to her.

At the same time I was often emotionally numb as me too had to educate myself about the feelings I had.

I would recommend DBT as it is used to prevent self harming in any way it might come. You don’t have to meet a tall dark stranger who changes your life as well as his/hers but it might also come handy

 

[Jabberwocky]

If it helps, people don't truly become adults until they're in their early 30's. The body/brain/sense of self is still very much developing through the later 20's. So yeah, even if you can vote or join the military you still have a few years left in you until you actually become an adult

I used to think the same thing though, that I was supposed to be an adult once I hit 21 or so. So I would always feel like shit through my 20's when I thought about what I hadn't accomplished yet. Once I learned that I wasn't in fact an adult until I got into my 30's, it was actually a big help. Put things in perspective in a helpful way.

You have at least five years to continue becoming the (adult) person you want to be OP. But even then, we all continue developing (or at least are capable of ongoing developmental progress) throughout our entire lives. So there isn't any real rush in that sense. You're the only person like yourself OP; how you develop is/will distinct from how others have/will develop themselves.

Try not to judge your own quality of life or developmental progress by comparing yourself to others too much. The comparative mind can be helpful, but when we overly rely on it in terms of how we think of ourselves and our world it can be very counter productive and unhealthy.

With what little I know about you, I'd highly recommend focusing your efforts and energy on learning to love and cultivate compassion for yourself. Self love is actually really difficult for most people in our culture/society to develop, and it is absolutely not self evident, although it is very natural once you make it a habit.