Hi guys, haven't been around for a couple months. I was hit by a car while crossing the street on September 11th, where I fractured both knees as well as my nose and sacrum. I spent two months in the hospital and a rehab facility, returning home on November 10th. It was an extremely harrowing experience, one that taught me a lot about myself and that I'm grateful as hell to have gotten through. I'm still healing physically, but at least I'm back at home and able to live some semblance of a normal life. It really struck me how much support I have during this time of crisis - I had probably three dozen visitors throughout my stay, most of who I know from the recovery scene. I can't say I would have had more than 5 visitors had this happened at any other time in my life. I know quantity isn't necessarily the best indicator of support - perhaps those 5 people that I would have had are more quality friends/support than the rest - but it really meant a lot that so many people would go out of their way to come visit me in my time of need. I even had about 7-8 people come to bring me an NA meeting at some point, seeing as I couldn't even stand much less get up and attend one in town.
I was given dilaudid, fentanyl and Oxycodone in the hospital, and the latter in the rehab facility for the duration. Being clean and wanting to remain so, this posed a conflict and threat to my recovery. I talked it over with a dozen or so people while it was happening, including my NA sponsor and other trusted NA members who I call upon for support. They assured me that this didn't count as a relapse, that I legitimately need this medicine for pain relief and shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty for needing to take a substance for its actual intended purpose, despite the known risks and consequences. I was sent home with about 40 x 5mg Oxycodone on November 10th, and have been taking them as prescribed (3x a day, every 6 hours) since then. I've had friends come over pretty much every day to help me count how many pills I have left, and this method has worked well for me thus far. I'm down to about 10 pills, and I'll be relieved when they're all gone, simply so I don't have to go through the mental and emotional anguish that comes from taking opioids. Even though the pain is real and my need to be medicated is valid, it's true what they say that the brain doesn't know the difference between taking a drug for medicinal or recreational purposes. As soon as I feel the effects of the drug I want more, yet I know that I can't. All the justifications in the world won't change my desire to be clean today.
I celebrated one year clean on October 30th, and I know in my heart that taking pain medication doesn't change or lessen all the work I've put in before, during and after this experience; I won't let anyone tell me otherwise.
That being said, I have felt extremely depressed this weekend. Before the accident, I had been spending time with a guy, also in recovery, and things had started to heat up. We began hanging out platonically, and I told him that I had set a boundary against hooking up with/forming a romantic relationship with men/women in recovery. Despite this boundary, there was a strong mental/emotional connection from the first time we met, and very obvious physical/sexual chemistry. It took maybe 4-5 times hanging out in public and around town before things turned physical/sexual. This was maybe a week or two before the accident, and I had begun to have strong feelings for him, which I believe were reciprocal. He visited me in the hospital, and I felt like it was the beginning of something beautiful. It's not very often that I feel such a strong connection towards anyone, and the fact that he thought enough to visit and spend time with me while I was hurt really meant a lot.
We were speaking on the phone one day, and afterwards he sent me a long text explaining that he was becoming too attached and had to disengage from our relationship. I thanked him and said I hoped we could talk more later. I called a few days later and my number had been blocked, and he had removed me as a friend on Facebook. I didn't feel much at the time, considering the circumstances, and how heavily medicated I was. I figured he was taking time for himself, and felt glad that he was willing to take care of his own needs. I talked about it a little to a few friends during the end of my stay at the hospital, and into the first week or so of my stay at the rehab facility, but mostly kept it out of mind after that. Since being home, I've felt this overwhelming urge to reach out to him, to get some kind of closure on "us". I think because of where I was, physically and mentally, I wasn't able to feel my emotions very deeply, and they had been way below the surface until I was able to spend some time alone and in my own space. It all sort of came to a head on Friday, when I reached out to a friend and explained what was going on. I ended the phone call, put on some sad music and cried for about 20 minutes straight. Since then, I've felt these lingering emotions, a longing and desire to be close to him, and inability to accept what has happened, emotionally. Logically, I am glad that he's taking care of himself, and want him to do whatever he thinks is best, yet it still hurts that he chose to end communication the way he did, without me getting a chance to say anything about how I felt or how the decision would affect me. I really want to talk to or see him, but I know in my current state that my desires are selfish, only seeking to relieve my anxiety around this uncertain and insecure time.
I'm hopeful that somehow our paths will cross again, and that I can be in a healthier state of mind and better equipped to see things from a more objective and rational place, instead of all the grief and sorrow I'm currently wading in. I'm not sure if this is something worth holding on to, or if I should just let go altogether. The thought of never seeing him again really hurts. It's hard to believe that I could feel such a strong connection towards someone who I don't know that well - it's really striking me how much I had invested emotionally in this person, or maybe just the idea of him, and how it's affecting me now. I've felt totally down in the dumps the past two days, even after having a big emotional release on Friday. I was able to get out and see friends all day yesterday, but today I could barely get out of bed or talk to anyone. I'm hoping that by writing this out I'll have a better understanding of where I'm at, and what it's going to take to move on. It really hurts right now, but I know it won't feel that way forever. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not fixing the problem by staying in my head, and that suffering is a result of wanting things to be different than they are. It sucks right now, it really fucking sucks. Still really sad.