Mental Health Unrelenting suicidal ideation

[cj]

I have been contemplating suicide for the last 6 months straight. Maybe longer? I've had 5 past attempts 3 of which where serious. My fantasy of it always revolves around benzos and opiates. Up until recently it wasn't realistic with my crazy tolerance due to methadone but now I get dosed 150mg and 300 mg in takehomes every Friday. That's probably still not enough to be fatal but in a month I'll get another take home and I'll have access to 500mg on Fridays. 3 months after that I'll have access to 1 gram every Friday and I think that mixed with Xanax would probably do it. Of course I've thought about saving takehomes up to have even more. I doubt I'll have the self control to save any but it's something I think about.

I ve started seeing a trauma counselor. I have tried to beat around the bush by telling him I'm depressed I let him know about past attempts but he still seems kinda nonchalant about the whole suicide thing. I don't really do I expect him to do about it either though. I need to find a way to let him know it's a serious thing I'm thinking about without coming off as overdramatic I guess. I don't think hospitalization is the answer but I realize I'm not the one who should be making that decision. I'm not sure how I should bring it up. On the one hand I am hurting and I want to give him the truth so he can try to help but on the other hand it might hurt me by getting me hospitalized or he could have the clinic withhold my take outs permenatly.

Overall the therapy in general isn't helping like I had hoped. I'm stuck right now because he wants me too right a paper on the abuse I experienced and my feeling about it. I've put it off because I'm scared and it's making me depressed but on the other hand I'm depressed and scared anyway. I'm a mess right now.

I don't know what I expect you guys too say I just want an outside my head perspective I guess. I'm worried I am hypochondriacing myself and it's totally ok for me to think about how I could kill myself. I've wanted to do it for ages what's changed is the thinking about a realistic plan I guess. I'm just confused as shit. Sobriety is fucking with my head

 

[chief ten beers]

I have been contemplating suicide for the last 6 months straight. Maybe longer? I've had 5 past attempts 3 of which where serious. My fantasy of it always revolves around benzos and opiates. Up until recently it wasn't realistic with my crazy tolerance due to methadone but now I get dosed 150mg and 300 mg in takehomes every Friday. That's probably still not enough to be fatal but in a month I'll get another take home and I'll have access to 500mg on Fridays. 3 months after that I'll have access to 1 gram every Friday and I think that mixed with Xanax would probably do it. Of course I've thought about saving takehomes up to have even more. I doubt I'll have the self control to save any but it's something I think about.

I ve started seeing a trauma counselor. I have tried to beat around the bush by telling him I'm depressed I let him know about past attempts but he still seems kinda nonchalant about the whole suicide thing. I don't really do I expect him to do about it either though. I need to find a way to let him know it's a serious thing I'm thinking about without coming off as overdramatic I guess. I don't think hospitalization is the answer but I realize I'm not the one who should be making that decision. I'm not sure how I should bring it up. On the one hand I am hurting and I want to give him the truth so he can try to help but on the other hand it might hurt me by getting me hospitalized or he could have the clinic withhold my take outs permenatly.

Overall the therapy in general isn't helping like I had hoped. I'm stuck right now because he wants me too right a paper on the abuse I experienced and my feeling about it. I've put it off because I'm scared and it's making me depressed but on the other hand I'm depressed and scared anyway. I'm a mess right now.

I don't know what I expect you guys too say I just want an outside my head perspective I guess. I'm worried I am hypochondriacing myself and it's totally ok for me to think about how I could kill myself. I've wanted to do it for ages what's changed is the thinking about a realistic plan I guess. I'm just confused as shit. Sobriety is fucking with my head

I'm in a bad state as well, if it were easy to kill myself, if there was a quick kill pill I'd probably eat it. But as you know it's not easy to kill oneself, and it's a very heinous way out. I'm broken hearted and my soul is shattered, but all we can do right now is take it one say at time. There ain't no easy way out of this, just try to keep going as best as you can and maybe you'll find some rays of sunlight coming through all this grey. If sobriety is fucking with your head find something to ease the pain, I use kratom and it helps somewhat. Anyways your not alone in this feeling and it does help knowing you are not the only one. Keep talking about it, that helps as well. Good luck and god bless.

 

[cj]

I'm in a bad state as well, if it were easy to kill myself, if there was a quick kill pill I'd probably eat it. But as you know it's not easy to kill oneself, and it's a very heinous way out. I'm broken hearted and my soul is shattered, but all we can do right now is take it one say at time. There ain't no easy way out of this, just try to keep going as best as you can and maybe you'll find some rays of sunlight coming through all this grey. If sobriety is fucking with your head find something to ease the pain, I use kratom and it helps somewhat. Anyways your not alone in this feeling and it does help knowing you are not the only one. Keep talking about it, that helps as well. Good luck and god bless.

Thanks for the kind words. I double dosed my methodone today so that helped a small amount. I'm not able to properly express the feeling I have in my head. It's a mix of depression anxiety hopelessness defiance surrender and despair. I feel like a sell out for quitting drugs. I have this feeling about things winding up bad.

Your right it's very difficult to kill oneself. Even after the will I won't I part overdose is a difficult thing to predict. I don't want to die but I don't want to live either. I feel like much of the sadness and stress comes from the indecision. I think of my mom and the effect it'll have on her if I die but then I see the effect me living has on her and I'm not sure which is worse. I love her so much but I constantly disappoint. It makes me incredibly sad. It's not drugs either I've been sober 99.5 percent of the time since June I had a 1 day slip with meth which no one knew about. I used to think getting sober would fix everything but that's just not true unfortunately.

I have an appointment Monday but I still don't know what I am going to tell him. I'll probably tell him I'm spiralling our of control but downplay the suicide aspect I guess. It's all so confusing. My parents will be pissed if I have to be hospitalized again. Ugh I feel so confused and conflicted.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

If you are suicidal and are serious about it as your post suggests, please do go to a mental hospital check in as a voluntary patient, and tell them everything you wrote here, don't try to downplay stuff or avoid talking about it.

Do your parents or other family members know how you feel? Can you tell them?

You're not a sell out for quitting drugs, so don't think of yourself this way. Stay safe.

 

[zephyr]

Hi mate


I don't know much about methadone and heroin never really did much except make me feel like in sinking sand.

I don't know much about your story but maybe you have been through just that too much crap due to the lifestyle?

It's a long hard road getting out and on with the rest of your life.

Can you stay somewhere or get someone to stay with you so you don't overdose?

I am on Effexor which makes it impossible to suicide for me and I don't know if you are on antidepressants but that's what they do.

Life is good apparently and its things like spending time outdoorsthat helps.

Take care matey

 

[SebastianSkip]

I?m short on time but wanted to quickly reply to one thing you mentioned

Start talking! Tell your therapist all about your suicidal ideation and tell any trustworthy friends or family too. I had this for over a year, it was torture! I feel for you! I?d wait until it got so bad I either made an attempt or was about to and then only deal with emergency services and end up in a facility. I didn?t want to ?burden? others or come across as ?overdramatic? to them or mental health professionals. The m.h. professionals would act nonchalant and I figured they didn?t want to hear about it. I explicitly asked them for help and to talk to me about it being an obsession but they didn?t (sometimes professionals fail) but I finally told some family members and I swear this is what broke the cycle for me.

Getting these obsessive thoughts out into the open with the (caring, trustworthy) people you?re most concerned about shielding them from may be the key to letting them go. Idk if you?ll relate to this but thought I?d mention.

?I need to find a way to let him know it's a serious thing I'm thinking about without coming off as overdramatic I guess?

ETA: my point is, this is probably an obsessive thoughts thing that coupled with depression/anxiety is lethal. It?s a bit different from being so sad you contemplate or follow through with suicide. If I?m reading correctly, it?s *obsessive* and the obsessive pattern needs to be broken. Saying it out loud to people who are shocked by it or demanding m.h. professional help you deal with the obsessive quality will help. Looking back I wouldn?t have stopped after requesting my pdoc & therapist talk to me about it, I would?ve demanded they did.

 

[cj]

I?m short on time but wanted to quickly reply to one thing you mentioned

Start talking! Tell your therapist all about your suicidal ideation and tell any trustworthy friends or family too. I had this for over a year, it was torture! I feel for you! I?d wait until it got so bad I either made an attempt or was about to and then only deal with emergency services and end up in a facility. I didn?t want to ?burden? others or come across as ?overdramatic? to them or mental health professionals. The m.h. professionals would act nonchalant and I figured they didn?t want to hear about it. I explicitly asked them for help and to talk to me about it being an obsession but they didn?t (sometimes professionals fail) but I finally told some family members and I swear this is what broke the cycle for me.

Getting these obsessive thoughts out into the open with the (caring, trustworthy) people you?re most concerned about shielding them from may be the key to letting them go. Idk if you?ll relate to this but thought I?d mention.

?I need to find a way to let him know it's a serious thing I'm thinking about without coming off as overdramatic I guess?

ETA: my point is, this is probably an obsessive thoughts thing that coupled with depression/anxiety is lethal. It?s a bit different from being so sad you contemplate or follow through with suicide. If I?m reading correctly, it?s *obsessive* and the obsessive pattern needs to be broken. Saying it out loud to people who are shocked by it or demanding m.h. professional help you deal with the obsessive quality will help. Looking back I wouldn?t have stopped after requesting my pdoc & therapist talk to me about it, I would?ve demanded they did.

That's pretty spot on to how I feel. Like almost 100 percent. I just couldn't lay it out so coherently. I do feel overdramatic when I tell people about it.

I gave my takehomes to my mom to give out to me for now. I have an appointment with my counselor Monday morning so I'm going to try and wait until then before I do anything

 

[SebastianSkip]

I’ve got another free moment & another quick reply to offer

“I'm stuck right now because he wants me too right a paper on the abuse I experienced and my feeling about it. I've put it off because I'm scared and it's making me depressed but on the other hand I'm depressed and scared anyway. I'm a mess right now. “

I’m sure they’ve got some reason for asking you to do this exercise but, ugh, sounds awful imo.
Obviously, whether you feel it or not, you don’t have to do this. Personally, I think it’s a really weird way to go about thing but maybe they’re trying to help you communicate with writing when verbal communication has proven difficult. Idk, I’m not you or in your situation.

I have this article bookmarked, was looking at it this morning. Fwiw, it helped me...

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shyness-is-nice/201305/stop-fighting-your-negative-thoughts

I especially like this part:

“Label your thoughts.
Instead of saying “I'm a loser,” say, “I'm having the thought that I'm a loser.” Instead of saying, “I'm going to blow this test,” say “I'm having the thought that I'm going to blow this test.” The difference may seem subtle, but it can help you gain the perspective that you are not your thoughts.”

If I had suicidal thoughts today I might say to myself,

I’m having suicidal thoughts. I’m not necessarily a suicidal person. I’ll acknowledge I’m thinking this and see how I feel later today but I don’t need to address the thoughts in this moment because they’re probably just thoughts. I know what to do if it’s more than a thought. I’ve been through this before and know how to keep myself safe. If need be I’ll contact a m.h. professional and ask them to help me get emergency services.

Rooting for you!

 

[SebastianSkip]

Duh, just saw you replied!

Glad to hear you’re taking measures to take care of yourself and have a future appointment.

Yea, I don’t think anyone does or feels something others haven’t but there’s still a ton of variation. That’s why I think forums like this are so great.

 

[PerpetualAnhedonic]

You say you "beat around the bush" with new trauma counselor....he can't do a whole hell of lot about your suicidal ideation if you're unwilling or not wanting to be hospitalized. You know the detailed legal angles of a self harm pink sheet/slip, just as I do. Even if you're not always consciously deciding to lie or omit information in respect to this, you do so automatically because in your head, you know what's safe and not safe to say and how to word things and subconsciously or consciously "protect" yourself.

Have you told him, say for example, specifically about the methadone and what you've mentioned in your OP about it?

-PA

 

[cj]

You say you "beat around the bush" with new trauma counselor....he can't do a whole hell of lot about your suicidal ideation if you're unwilling or not wanting to be hospitalized. You know the detailed legal angles of a self harm pink sheet/slip, just as I do. Even if you're not always consciously deciding to lie or omit information in respect to this, you do so automatically because in your head, you know what's safe and not safe to say and how to word things and subconsciously or consciously "protect" yourself.

Have you told him, say for example, specifically about the methadone and what you've mentioned in your OP about it?

-PA

Good point. No I haven't told him I specifically have a plan and the means to carry it out. Because like you said I know that's an instant hospitalization. My experience with hospitalization is they hold you a few days then release you and nothing changes. I don't know I'm in a vulnerable position being on methodone and with my family I'm just not sure I'm ready to turn control over to the system like that. I'll think about it though

 

[PerpetualAnhedonic]

Good point. No I haven't told him I specifically have a plan and the means to carry it out. Because like you said I know that's an instant hospitalization. My experience with hospitalization is they hold you a few days then release you and nothing changes. I don't know I'm in a vulnerable position being on methodone and with my family I'm just not sure I'm ready to turn control over to the system like that. I'll think about it though

Yeah I know just what you mean. Although strangely, there have been times that turning my care over to them seemed alluring..
As well as the unrelenting torture of your specific thoughts...honestly, I'm still right on that precipice myself (and as you may recall, have been for quite some time now).

Hmmm I wonder if it might be possible to convey your dilemma (minus red flags) to your provider and brainstorm together, discuss some better alternatives for you..? I'm already working this out in my head lol.

-PA

 

[cj]

Yeah I know just what you mean. Although strangely, there have been times that turning my care over to them seemed alluring..
As well as the unrelenting torture of your specific thoughts...honestly, I'm still right on that precipice myself (and as you may recall, have been for quite some time now).

Hmmm I wonder if it might be possible to convey your dilemma (minus red flags) to your provider and brainstorm together, discuss some better alternatives for you..? I'm already working this out in my head lol.

-PA

Turning it over is alluring to me too sometimes. Honestly if I was 100 percent sure I would get my methadone I would roll the dice in a heartbeat. I've heard too many horror stories to be 100 percent sure though. That said I think I am going to roll the dice tommorow at the appointment and just lay it out see how the cracker crumbles. I don't have that much too loose.

 

[PerpetualAnhedonic]

Turning it over is alluring to me too sometimes. Honestly if I was 100 percent sure I would get my methadone I would roll the dice in a heartbeat. I've heard too many horror stories to be 100 percent sure though. That said I think I am going to roll the dice tommorow at the appointment and just lay it out see how the cracker crumbles. I don't have that much too loose.

Isn't it just the worst struggle though? I mean talk about arguing with yourself in your head...the alive part of you, as a human with survival instincts, is screaming for help- while the dead part of you is screaming "don't tell! It'll fuck up my opportunity!"....like you HAVE to tell someone but you can't tell anyone...god awful torment for me....
I think our laws on this seriously need reconsideration. I can't imagine how many people have been discouraged from self-reporting due to it....of course I dunno what better I could suggest, but they need to at least be reexamined and alternatives given due consideration...

Do you know how you're going to go about it exactly..?

-PA

 

[cj]

Isn't it just the worst struggle though? I mean talk about arguing with yourself in your head...the alive part of you, as a human with survival instincts, is screaming for help- while the dead part of you is screaming "don't tell! It'll fuck up my opportunity!"....like you HAVE to tell someone but you can't tell anyone...god awful torment for me....
I think our laws on this seriously need reconsideration. I can't imagine how many people have been discouraged from self-reporting due to it....of course I dunno what better I could suggest, but they need to at least be reexamined and alternatives given due consideration...

Do you know how you're going to go about it exactly..?

-PA

It's fucking torture. My appointment is in an hour and I still haven't decided.

 

[cj]

I ended up telling about half of the truth. Enough that he now knows it's an issue but not enough to get committed. We came up with a safety plan so hopefully that will be enough

 

[zephyr]

This might sound selfish but we need you here. Life does suck especially when you add drug addiction and recovery in the mix on top of trauma.


Its not always going to be like this though.

 

[PerpetualAnhedonic]

I ended up telling about half of the truth. Enough that he now knows it's an issue but not enough to get committed. We came up with a safety plan so hopefully that will be enough

I kinda figured it might go this way. At least there's some awareness now though.

What kind of plan was devised?

-PA

 

[cj]

I kinda figured it might go this way. At least there's some awareness now though.

What kind of plan was devised?

-PA

He made me sign a suicide contract. Which I guess is too cover his ass. Far as specifics I'm going to let my mom hold on too my take homes for awhile. Got his personal cell phone number for emergencies like if I'm feeling suicidal or whatever. He have me some breathing exercises to do when I'm overwhelmed and most importantly he got me a rush appointment with an actual phych doc who can write scripts so I can get medicated again.

It was good to talk about it but the limits of what the mental health system can do quickly becomes apparent in these situations. He actually suggested I get high if it comes down between that and killing myself which is sensible but funny to hear nonetheless. I like the guy as a trauma therapist but I dont know if I am going to see him long term or not. He seems out of his depth sometimes.

Granted I wasn't totally honest so it's partly on me but I just don't have any interest in spending 5 days in the hospital for 10 grand and getting nothing out of it

 

[cj]

This might sound selfish but we need you here. Life does suck especially when you add drug addiction and recovery in the mix on top of trauma.


Its not always going to be like this though.

That's very kind of you too say. I love this place and I sincerely hope my work in sober living has helped someone even if it's just a little.