Recovery Back On the Sober Wagon...

[somnilicious]

I have flirted with the idea of starting one of these recovery journals for yrs. but because I am a chronic relapser I didn't want to be one of those people who started a thread only to disappear over and over again with no success but I know I am at a point where I am ready. I believe I am on day 5 of my detox from heroin(insomnia blurs the days together). For anybody who hasn't come across any of my posts I will give a quick synapses of my self. I had been trying to get clean from methadone and Xanax for yrs when I overdosed on heroin in March of 2015. What followed was a long journey that involved a week in the hospital. A baker act, which brought me to 2 weeks in the psych ward, another week in detox and then 60 days in rehab before going into sober living. I managed to stay sober a yr. that time and then relapsed/chipped boardering on minor withdrawals for 6mths. Went back to sober living and got another 8mths before I was derailed by my emotions for a female, which ended in a disastrous relapse in Medellin, Columbia.. I am now back at my parents after a couple more months of flirting with chronic use.

Today was an uneventful day.. I had a lot of anhedonia and conflicting emotions but I am used to dealing with negative feelings and detoxes so these feelings are absolutely normal to me and no big deal. The real challenges always start when I get back out into the workforce and around other people because then my nagging feelings of inferiority, body dismorphia, stress, desires and expectations of where and who I should be combine to form a potent adversary for my mental state. Right now I just feel depressed, lonely, bored and unable to get myself moving. The real feelings start when I start to judge myself in proportion to my peers. This is really my biggest obstacle in recovery that I must learn to deal with.

I had fallen for one of my best friends this last time in recovery and a measure of subsequent rejection turned into pity and self loathing, which I then turned into a form of self punishment, where I didn't feel worthy and I embraced self harm. I will definitely have to work on my self esteem to build a solid foundation that is totally divorced from the opinions of others. We live and learn. I have learned that you can either see lifes stumbles as failures or lessons. I choose the latter.

Thanks for listening to my B.S.... and for being there for me. I will be back with updates.. -Somni

 

[simco]

I'm glad you kicked off this journal. I think journaling can really help us sort out complicated, conflicted feelings and motives. It's also super helpful for your readers.

We're all here for you, man.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story.

 

[Stargazer]

Hey Somni!

I share your feelings of wanting to begin a recovery journal but am nervous to do so-fearing it will be nonstop fuckups. I'm really glad you began this. No matter how things go it still will help others. I'm looking forward to more posts from you.

 

[somnilicious]

What's up SL Community!! Just wanted to check in. I have been in a fantastic mood lately. I haven't gotten all my energy back but I have been walking around the neighborhood and spontaneously busting out in frantic dance to random music. I am about a week clean. I say clean but I actually took 2mg of Xanax 2 days ago and slept for 10hrs..lol.. I really needed it and I also drank last night. Alcohol has a very strange affect on me when I am just getting over the withdrawal phase. Like every time I drink I will barely even feel the alcohol so I keep drinking and then before I know it I am waking up in my bed with no memory of how I got there. It's like I go straight from sober to blackout. Also in the PAWS phase when I drink coffee I immediately become very tired and I can feel this pressure at the base of my skull that feels like it is sucking me to sleep..lol

I don't plan on really drinking or taking benzos anymore. I just get desperate for sleep sometimes. Because of my long history with benzos it is def not a good idea to use them very often.

I have been spending most of my time dreaming about all the things I am going to do with my life. It is such an exciting prospect to know that I can do anything I want to now that I am clean. The future really does seem limitless. I plan on writing more later. I am going out to eat with my parents... MMMMMM... FOOD!

and to 10yrs... Go for it. Take the plunge. It will further cement your decision and there are no fuckups or failures. Only lessons and ways to not do things. I believe it will help you in the long run because it will allow you to go back and look at your thought process. It will help you learn from your mistakes and give you the opportunity to one day look back and see how far you've come.

 

[simco]

That's great news, somni. Congrats.

So you don't find that alcohol brings on heroin cravings? Personally, I've found that weed is fine for me (in fact I think it reduces cravings)...but I have to be really careful with booze or I start fantasizing about heroin.

 

[somnilicious]

That's great news, somni. Congrats.

So you don't find that alcohol brings on heroin cravings? Personally, I've found that weed is fine for me (in fact I think it reduces cravings)...but I have to be really careful with booze or I start fantasizing about heroin.

I don't crave while I'm drinking but if I get a hangover then it makes me want to go get heroin. The drinking did actually make my nerves fire up a bit today. I have a little of that crawling skin feeling. It is kinda making me want to hit the bottle again to subdue the body anxiety but that is just a self perpetuating cycle. After doing heroin for so long(20yrs) I no longer fantasize about the heroin high. My problem is that I don't know how to deal with negative emotions and I know heroin will take them away. It is strictly escapism at this point.

I wish I had some pot... I much prefer to smoke than drink.

 

[simco]

I'm with you...I choose weed over booze any day.

Hang in there, Som. I know how attractive that promise of escape is. But you're doing the hard work, man.

 

[somnilicious]

Thanks for the support Simco.. I was reading in another thread about vivitrol and I think that might be a good option for me. I was actually prescribed naltrexone once back around 2000, which was my introduction to precipitated withdrawal. The psych doc that prescribed it didn't tell me anything about it so I took it immediately and got thrown into the worst withdrawal I have ever had and coincidentally It was my first real full withdrawal. It got so bad that I actually lost track of reality. I was delusional. I remember my dad driving me to an NA meeting and I thought we were going to my grandmothers. He went in and brought some guy out. The guy took one look at me and told my dad I needed to go home..lol

I actually stayed clean for about 2mths that time, which was unfortunately my longest stretch of clean time until 2015.

 

[somnilicious]

WoW a lot has changed in the last few hours since I posted. I have been having strong cravings. Feeling very isolated and bored. For some reason my physical symptoms have flared up. having a hard time sitting still. I'm afraid that I will probably be hitting the bottle here in a bit to settle the nerves. I have never had a problem with alcohol but in the past I have drank fairly heavy in the weeks immediately after detox. It is a pattern that I have repeated time and time again. I tend to slow down and stop after using it as a coping mechanism for the early PAWS anxiety but I just wonder how much the use of alcohol slows the recovery process.

I just have this inner tension that is pulling at me. My mind is racing and I am having trouble putting together a linear thought process. I don't have the mental strength to object to the negative thoughts about everything my mind keeps offering up. I think I am just really tired and need sleep.

 

[cj]

I drink a lot during paws as well. Dont beat yourself up over treating your withdrawal symptoms this shit is a marathon not a sprint

 

[Stargazer]

^yes. Dont beat yourself up! Im in the same situation Somni. Keep putting one foot in front if the other.

Do you have access to gabapentin(Neurontin) or Lyrica? That helps tremendously w withdrawal and anxiety.

 

[somnilicious]

Thanks for the support everyone... Day 9... Yaaa! I'm feeling better today. Just took the car to the mechanic to get it checked out so I hope that I can get it running better. A lot of my recovery people from Daytona reached out to me today, which felt really good. My lady friend has been contacting me a lot lately and I even invited her to go to Medellin, Columbia with me when I go back to get the implant completed. Now I'm not so sure if it's a good idea. I don't need any tugs on the heart strings. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I am still in love with her.

I was talking to a friend of mine who is from Bogota and is also a recovering heroin addict and he participated in an Ayahuasca ceremony last time he decided to get clean. He has been doing fantastic ever since and he attributes it to his experience. It got me really intrigued and I have started to look into it for my next trip. What do you guys think about using psychedelics for this purpose? Specifically Ayahuasca.

 

[simco]

I have no experience with Ayahuasca (though I'd like to). But I think psychedelics can be *great* during recovery from opioid addiction. For me they have two benefits.

1. I tend to have a nice afterglow of positive feelings for a day or so after tripping.
2. I've gotten some very good insights into my underlying motivations for using while on psychedelics. And I've also gained a deeper understanding of how I'm connected to the people in my life from them...and to me, strong connections are a huge asset in recovery.

Obviously, one needs to think carefully and honestly to decide if psychedelics are a good idea for them. But to my thinking, they can definitely have a place in recovery.

 

[somnilicious]

Uhhggg.. I hate insomnia... Somni need some somnolence somthin' serious... lol.. Lots of S's there. God I'm punch drunk loopy. Gonna slam some sleepytime extra tea with chamomile and valerian root. Hope it does the trick cause the melatonin made me tired but I still couldn't sleep. One good thing is that I have been eating like a champ. I am so glad to be back home for home cooked meals because the last transitional living place I was living at didn't have stoves and only had one giant fridge for 70 people so I was basically eating junk food every meal.

Having trouble keeping myself occupied. Watching T.V. just isn't holding my attention and I feel like I have to be totally engaged so I have been on the computer the whole time. I need to get out to a meeting but I won't be getting my car back till Tuesday and by then I should be ready to go out and get a job. I already have a low stress, mindless work lined up that will get me cash immediately and would probably be a perfect early recovery job. Can't wait to start getting real exercise. Kinda waiting to start getting better sleep before I do anything but my daily walks. I don't want to put any more stress on my body by making it repair muscle tears on top of what it is already going through.

I'm hanging in there though. I have been reflecting on my past lately and was able to see my mistakes objectively, while giving myself some positive affirmations. I realized that even though I have had my relapses that my brain has still done a lot of healing over the last 2.5 yrs of various clean times. I am pleased and optimistic with my future prospects. I feel so blessed and truly do feel lucky to be alive and to not have a felony. I have a general faith in a generic benevolent God(life force, energy) and I have to say that something has definitely been watching over me. There have just been to many crazy events that I have come out the other side unscathed. Just my belief. I do pray a lot and try to practice the principle of faith in God's will..

Love you guys. Have a goodnight-Somni

 

[somnilicious]

I really am truly amazed at how wretched I feel from such infrequent use. I only used for a couple of months, slowly working my way up to like 2x a week and each use was a one time 2-3 bags a day snorted(shot a few times). I cannot ever use opiates again. There are no free rides. My opiate pathways are so concrete in their wiring that my brain immediately reverts back to it's addicted state. I didn't have severe withdrawal symptoms but the symptoms I do have honestly haven't really gotten better. I did not sleep at all last night and I am not sure I will sleep tonight. I don't know exactly what day I am on. I thought it was like day 10 but when I talked to my friend the other day he seemed to say that I used last Friday(really not sure). Oh well... Any day now I should start really seeing progress. I hope everyone is doing well.

-Somni

 

[Nakifantaki]

What's up Somni..
I feel ya man. I think the most important thing to remember is what someone else just said... this shit is a marathon and not a sprint. The best you can do is take it day by day or hour by hour. Reflect back on your clean time and how you started to feel better... you will soon get there again.
I'm going through the same kinda thing man.. and I had a few day relaspe of low doses and I'm kicking myself for it. It's a constant struggle in my brain... but I know that each day clean is one day towards being better. Stay strong man.. breathe in and out and focus on what makes you happy. You got this.

 

[Stargazer]

Somni-
My use pattern was/is similar to yours except I was using subs. Last sub -about 1mg- I took was I believe Thursday. Im feeling shitty too. Cant sleep, cold sweats,,etc.

And Im homesick. Im staying in Fla till prob the end of this month. The prospect of that is very daunting for me.

 

[somnilicious]

Thanks Nakifantaki and 10yrs.. We are warriors and we will make it through to the other side together. I am resolute. Fuck drugs... I want life so badly, I will fight with everything I have to regain my sobriety. The dawn will come into the endless night. I have suffered enough in life and more than ever my heart tells me a reprieve is just around the corner. Hope you 2 feel better and even though you are homesick 10yrsafter it is probably the best thing for you to be where you are. Don't miss the setup.. There is a bigger plan if we are open to accepting it and I believe that.

Love you guys-Somni

 

[Stargazer]

Love you too Somni ❤

Tried to send you a PM-it wouldnt send. I hate that. My nails are long and texting takes forever. Uuuggh. Fuck my life right now.

And I agree w you- surely Im better off here. It deters me from usimg which I know I prob would. be at home. This will give me distance that Ive actually prayed for. Im kicking and screaming tne whole way. In my heart I know this is better.

 

[Nakifantaki]

Much love to ya brother. We will get through this. Seems as if we have no choice. I'm around if you ever need to chat. Feel free to send a PM.