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Recovery Back On the Sober Wagon...

^^Fo' Sho... Only got 2hrs of broken sleep last night and had a drug using dream.. Fortunately it was entirely centered around pot but it was one of those frustration dreams where you work really hard to obtain your substance and never get to use, which makes me wonder if part of my difficulties also stem from the fact that I had been smoking pot fairly heavy for the last 2mths. My brain was obviously trying to tell me that something was missing.

I went for a 4 mile walk on a nature trail that wraps around a large lake in the area with my dad and that was extremely refreshing. It made me realize that I have been avoiding a lot of my thoughts by having multiple medias all going at once e.g. reading, computer, music and T.V.. The whole walk I was having trouble being present because my mind kept wondering and a lot of emotions kept bubbling up. I think I am going to start following a lot of the advice in the "How to repair your mind, body, soul guide" by Breathe. Cut off social media and highly emotional music to focus on myself to find my core beliefs and work on my self, goals, dreams and aspirations. Lot's of good stuff in that thread. I already take a lot of those supplements and I plan on exercising and meditating.

Hope everyone is doing well today-Somni
 
That is a great thread.

Day 6 for me. Im meh. Got alot done today nevertheless.

My mood is low. I need to get out. I feel better when Im at the store. Glad you jad a good day Somni. Day 9 is usually my turning point. Fingers crossed.
 
Ugghhh! I just did something incredibly stupid and I feel extremely guilty. I took a couple of roaches out of my sisters ashtray and her boyfriend noticed and was beyond pissed. At the time I wasn't even thinking it was a big deal because she always lets me have them but I wasn't able to get in contact with her and I saw she had buds so I figured they wouldn't even care. I was over there watching my niece till he got there. I didn't say anything to him when I left because my dad was right there also. When I got home my sister called and started yelling at me. She was even more pissed because they were already fighting. What a dick move on my part... I feel horrible. It was what he said "disrespectful". I was already having a rough day and wanted to get out of my head now I feel even worse. Trying not to dwell on it because time has a way of healing these things. I have to put in the footwork to make it right. Other than that I'm still opiate free. At least I have that.
 
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iono, from a more objective standpoint it sounds like they over reacted and just took out the frustration they each were experiencing in their relationship (or whatever) onto you. I mean, getting heated over a roach? Come on... 8)
 
Got 3hrs of sleep last night. I had the strangest dream that involved me being homeless and a girl jumping out from behind a dumpster and stabbing my friend to death. It was very strange and unnerving. It was so realistic and the girl just calmly walked by me staring into my eyes. I can still see her facial features even after being up for hrs. The last few times I have quit using I haven't had any heroin dreams but I seem to have an overwhelming number of dreams that involve people killing each other. In Daytona I had dreamed that I was a detective and a serial killer was killing prostitutes in the area. I was going to all the death scenes and handling the bodies. At one point in the dream I began to suspect that I was the serial killer. I woke up only to find that I really wasn't awake but coming to in the dream to find a bloody knife in my hand and a dead girl in front of me. I than jerked awake in my room. These dreams are so realistic that I feel off all day.

I should be getting my car back soon, which is awesome and also a bit scary because I am going to be expected to get a job right away. I don't feel I am ready as I am barely getting any sleep at all yet. I have so much to do. What little clothes I have are in bags from the halfway house on my floor. They are just thrown in there as a mixture of dirty, clean and donated clothes that I don't even wear, so I need to tackle that situation. Even the small tasks seem a little overwhelming rt. now. Sorry about all the petty bitching. Everything just seems so daunting at the moment. Gotta kick my ass in gear. I am so scattered rt now. I feel braindead. I swear every time I get clean my brain capacity drops dramatically for the first few months. Probably from lack of sleep.

Opiate withdrawal truly does get worse the longer you have been using. I was only using 2 to max 3 days a week and the insomnia is far worse than the heavy kicks that I used to have in my 20's.
 
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toothpastedog said:
iono, from a more objective standpoint it sounds like they over reacted and just took out the frustration they each were experiencing in their relationship (or whatever) onto you. I mean, getting heated over a roach? Come on... 8)
Click to expand...

Yeah.. That had a lot to do with it and it was actually like 8 little roaches but it turns out they were completely broke and her boyfriend is kinda fucked in the head and is totaly dependent on pot for his mental health.
 
Smoni, I always have very vivid and strange dreams when coming off of opiates. I take it you're experiencing the same thing based on that post? Every night I awake to from a completely different world where it feels so real and that I'm a part of it, only to realize that I'm in my same shoes and have to start my "other/real" life. I'm looking forward to those diminishing. The brain can hardly take what I'm throwing at it anyhow. Keep up the good work!

-SK
 
Thanks StillKickin'..... I was feeling rough this morning and had very negative thoughts but I have been able to turn it around. I need to start working and get health insurance. I have wanted to go to the endocrinologist since I first started trying to get sober. I truly believe that a lot of long term PAWS symptoms are due to HPA axis dysfunction. I don't know if it's cortisol or what but I will sleep for an hour or two and then even though I am extremely tired and start falling asleep again I will get an uncomfortable burst that starts at the base of my head and travels down my spinal chord. I then feel very uncomfortable all over my body. This will repeat over and over again till I am forced to get up and drag my dead body around. I am just so exhausted at this point.

I really wish I could get my hands on something to help me sleep. All I have is alcohol, chamomile, valerian and antihistamines and only the alcohol seems to work.

Well it looks like we here in Florida are going to get slammed by this hurricane with current 185mph sustained winds.
 
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I'm sorry to hear about that issue when you're sleeping. I suffer from severe insomnia anyways and kicking opiates exacerbates it infinitely! I'm on 3 hours of sleep tonight but part of that is my own fault. I caved and had some drinks, which led to more drinks and me not getting much sleep.

I've read up a bit on that hurricane that's coming your way. Stay safe! It's crazy the storm activity this year. I think mother earth is finally getting fed up with us being a bit to parasitic on this planet. Who knows :)

Til next update, stay strong and keep up the great work!!!!

-SK
 
Somni, I really hope that this storm passes over you with minimal damage--it's a scary one for sure.

Have you ever tried melatonin for sleep? It doesn't work for everyone but does work pretty well for me.
 
Somni-

I'm not sleeping well either. The threat of a caregory 5 hurricane hitting isn't helping anything. I haven't been back to Florida
da in 11 hrs - and this hurricane had to come now??!! What are the odds -- this is crazy. It seems this state is reflecting exactly how I feel about being here. It was a very bad time in my life when I lived here. When I left, to go home to Pa- I swore I'd never come back For any reason. And under most circumstances, I refused to return. But my husband's father died and of course I wouldn't refuse under these circumstances. I just can't believe the irony. We're going to evacuate to a hotel this weekend.

I think I'm on day 9 of not using. Time is dragging. So strange how time is relative. I mean how it seems to become excruciatingly slow when we experience things we don't find pleasant. I'm rambling. ( I'm worried :( ) Glad your're still hanging in there. Your doing awesome

Prayers that we and our loved ones are safe and protected from impending hurricane. <3
 
Edit- I meant I haven't been back to Fla in 11 years ​not hours lol
 
Hey Herbavore and 10 days gone.. Thanks for the support. I looked at my phone today to look at past calls and realized I am on day 14. You really have been invaluable 10yrs. Just knowing somebody cares and understands makes a world of difference. Where are you in Florida? North, Central or South? Being in Central Florida I have been through a ton of hurricanes and they usually aren't all that bad because they weaken so much by the time they get to us but with this one they are still predicting category 3 by the time it hits us. We have a lot of oak trees around our house so that is a bit unnerving. Really not looking forward to the power being knocked out. I was actually withdrawing this time last yr. when we got hit by a hurricane. We had a curfew and were all supposed to stay off the roads but I still went out and copped.

To answer your question Herbavore.. Yeah I have been taking melatonin too, forgot to mention that one, but I am going to discontinue it after reading about melatonin, cortisol and HPA-axis relationships. I want my hormone levels to level out on there own naturally. I am going to stick with chamomile and take the valerian if I feel I really need it. The alcohol is going to be axed completely as well... Have only drank 2 or 3 times but I read that it greatly increases cortisol. Also my morning cups of coffee are going to be cut off as well for the same reason.

Love u guys and stay safe 10yrs... Thank you so much for being here.
 
And thank you for being a part of this :) it wouldn't be SL without members like you somni <3
 
Thanks ToothPaste... I have always admired how knowledgeable you are and how willing you are to selflessly give of that knowledge to help others. I have actually been reading this site since circa 2001 but never joined until 2012. By then I was mostly hanging out in sober living and the dark side so I have been reading your posts for yrs. I even remember what you look like from a picture you posted some time ago..

....and to 10yrs about the timing of the storm. I have been kind of looking at it as a metaphor about weathering the storm of withdrawal. By the time the storm rolls through I will be coming up on 3 weeks clean, I will be getting my car back and hopefully I will be about ready to start trying to rejoin the work force. When the sun comes out from the clouds, it will be a new day, a new dawn and I'll be stepping out into the light to do the necessary footwork..

<3Somni
 
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The deeper truth is that I'm just as full of shit and confused as the next person, but you know how it is ;)

The seasons/weather of our lives is a good metaphor indeed :)
 
Somni-

You are invaluable to me too <3. We truly are weathering 2 storms at the same time. And together :) <3.

I'm on the central west coast of Florida I think. I'm in Clearwater. And we are NOT evacuating to a hotel - and Im not pleased about that. ?? I'm terrified that I'm going to be floating through Clearwater on the front door of the house. And that's one of the better scenarios that keep running through my mind.

My mother-in-law concluded that storm wouldn't be that bad. ( Lady...How IN THE FRIGGEN HELL would you know??!!) So she CANCELLED our hotel reservations ! ???

Then ...today, changes her mind (translation: it finally occurs to her shes not a meteorologist) and tried to book a hotel room---they're all full ? What a surprise -#!%@!!*!!

So Im about in the worst position possible - other than literally living on the beach.

I forget what day Im on -- I think day 11. Somni- Im looking forward to the "sunrise after the storm" With God's grace, when the storm passes (you'll be getting your car back :)) - and we'll both be laying the groundwork for positive changes in lives. ?

I do wish I had a temazepam though. My nerves are really bad. Since I don't have one- I will take my 25mg amitriptilline sp? - that I take at bedtime, read through BL a bit more, take a shower and read a good book.

Stay safe Somni. You are in my thoughts.
 
Hope anyone close to Florida is safe and sound! Congrats on 14 days Somni! You are doing so great!
 
Thanks Nakifantaki.... Day number 16. Not really much to report. I drank very heavily yesterday and woke up with a lot of anxiety..lol... What was it 2 days ago I said I wouldn't be drinking anymore. Well the experience of this rebound anxiety will be more than enough to make the thought of drinking repulsive. It has been raining all morning and the hurricane force winds are predicted to hit us late tonight, so I figured I would take the opportunity to get on here and give an update before the power goes. I might not be on here for a while depending on how long its out for.

I got my car back and it is driving exactly the same. I will probably be driving my parents van for the foreseeable future. I really need to start saving some money for a car and fix my credit, which is horrible due to unpaid hospital bills. Other than that I'm just trucking right along.

Stay safe 10yrs.. You are right in the eye of the storm. Praying for you.
 
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