Where do I go from here?

[KingOpiate]

Hi bluelight- 2nd post so correct me if i do anything wrong...basically i've gotten myself into an interesting predicament since my last post. I went to rehab earlier this year but started using again after only a few weeks out. Life just seems so dull without opiates! I don't know how "normal" people do it. As of today I have to IV approximately 16-24mgs of Dilaudid or 120-150mgs of morphine JUST to stay well. Might I mention that I am 19 years old and have to shoot myself up like 6 times a day just to keep from feeling like death. Nobody knows about this expect my supplier. No friends. No family. Im all alone. Basically, my problem is that I am a college kid and I don't exactly have the money to keep up a certain "lifestyle" if something doesn't change soon. Sobriety makes everything so hard. Life is much easier on opiates it's just the damn money. Not sure if we are allowed to discuss money on here; if not i will remove that part. I just can't figure out how others are able to afford this habit. im scraping the floors for pennies people! my other question is something i've been pondering for quite sometime now.....should I get on suboxone? it seems to have helped so many others who could not get off heroin and dillies like me. I have a feeling i could stay off the street drugs if i was on subs. but could I afford the subs? Are they just as expensive? Could I get my doctor to prescribe them to me? where do i go? what do I tell him? Do you think my family/girlfriend would find out? Is it all even worth it? SOMEBODY has to have some answers. Im generally a "I got this i can handle it myself" kinda guy but i'm running out of ideas here and would like to reach out to someone with more experience to see what the best way to go from here is. Anyways sorry for the long post. Thanks in advance for any advice. Gotta go run some "errands" now

-BK

 

[T. Calderone]

Hi BK, welcome to Bluelight! I think suboxone would be a good choice for getting off other opiates and maintenance. To start replacement therapy, you could try going to a physician that will prescribe buprenorphine. Many are psych doctors that specialize in addiction and that's how it was introduced to me back in 2009. We can't really discuss prices but when you consider the amount of money you spend buying from the street, it would be a better alternative. You have health insurance, right? I found this list of providers from our Sober Living section to get you started. What you can do is make some phone calls to find out if they take your plan and are accepting new patients:

https://www.samhsa.gov/medication-a...cian-program-data/treatment-physician-locator


I'm going to move this to Sober Living

 

[Jabberwocky]

Suboxone sounds very appropriate for you OP.

I would strongly advice you to try the following: Find yourself an outpatient IOP type Suboxone program, where you'll have groups a couple times a week for a few weeks or months and then transition to just taking the Suboxone through a private physician. You'll get more support that way than just getting it straight from a doctor (although if this is your only option it's still advisable). I also highly recommend finding a therapist you feel comfortable and good about working with, as they'll be an invaluable resource. Some people find recovery groups helpful, but in my early recovery I found them to be more harmful than helpful (particularly young people's recovery meetings can be incredibly unhealthy).

I found that to be very helpful, but eventually it feel apart (after taking it for about a year and a half) because I wasn't putting effort into areas I needed to address in other aspects of my life. Don't get me wrong, shit was absolutely invaluable and I immensely benefited from it at the time, but I was young at the time as you were, and I find that trying to deal with recovery at a young age was, for me, more difficult than doing so more as an older young adult. But what I'm trying to say is that if you don't use your time on ORT judiciously, putting some gentle, consistent effort into working on the areas of yourself you need the most support with (for me it was mostly homelessness and mental health related concerns), it's going to be far less useful than it could potentially be.

What are you goals OP? Both in terms of recovery, as well as in other areas of your life? Identifying our short, mid and long terms goals both regarding substance use disorder treatment AND in other areas of our lives is very important in terms of giving you a way to evaluate how you are doing.

 

[KingOpiate]

Thank you for your helpful responses! I appreciate you both. Toothpastedog to answer your question, I haven't given it much thought. Honestly, apart from the financial issues that this has caused, I am quite content with every area of my life. If it weren't for that, I would not have posted. I just don't think I am ready today to be sober forever. My short term goal is simply to be happy; I just don't feel that way in sobriety today. However, if I could wake up every morning and take one legal, CHEAP, pill prescribed by a doctor that made me feel content with my life without having to buy so many street drugs- it might be worth a try! I suppose eventually it would be nice to see myself off of everything I just don't see that happening in the near future, and I am okay with that. I will use your links to do a little research on this program and keep you updated. Thank you both again!

-BK

 

[KingOpiate]

Just a quick update for anyone who is interested...my drug use has gotten worse. In fact it's pretty bad. My parents know everything and there's nothing i can do anymore. i've been sick as hell lately because i have no money and my family can not trust me. They want to send me back to rehab again! I told them i'd go but all the rehabs were full when we called today. I think..wait no; I know the hardest part of al of this is gonna be dropping all of this on my girlfriend who has no idea. I feel terrible. Physically, emotionally, mentally, financially. i want to get on subs or MMT but i don't know how my parents would feel about that. im kinda stuck right now and it sucks. but if i go to rehab again ill let u all know what happens for anyone who cares! Thanks

-BK

 

[cj]

Subs are very affordable compared to your habit. Look up a Suboxone doctor in your area and give them a call

 

[Sixxam]

That's how theee addictions work my friends. From 0-60 in an instant. I'm nine months clean off 90-120 mg a day dilaudid habit. I'll be honest, I struggle constantly. I'd say get out while you still can, but dilaudid has its hooks in you.. So... Good luck man. Definitely look into mmt or subs. Doing it on our own is to fucking hard v

 

[Stargazer]

Hi KingOpiate- Sorry you're going through this bullshit. We all understand believe me. If I may ask-do your parents understand that that ORT will give you some much needed time to establish a strong recovery support system? And that rehab itself isn't enough? Especially w your history. Maybe having a sincere, honest (respectful) talk w them explaining things will help a little? Addiction is never easy. Nor is recovery.

Hey Sixx! As always, your're in my thoughts. Sorry this is still a struggle. Same w me. Good to see you though.

 

[elvis_wears_nikes]

King Opiate - I’m sorry to hear that things have been so difficult for you. There have been some excellent and informative answers on this post. Don’t feel too bad for relapsing after your first attempt at rehab... this is extremely common especially in early recovery. Abstinence-based recovery does not work for everyone and this is particularly true for people living with opiate addiction particularly with long-term abuse. I am assuming the rehab you went to was abstinence-based but there are other options that you should also consider that may be more helpful and achievable for you.

As people have already suggested opiate replacement treatment (be it buprenorphine or methadone) can really help some people struggling wih opiate addiction to regain some stability in their life from the chaos of active addiction. Engaging with addiction services will also allow you to gain access to recovery groups and help you to develop strong support networks. It is probably a good thing that you have been able to be open and honest with your parents as secrecy is part of the illness of addiction and it not only impacts your life but also that of people close to you.

The thing is you also need to want to recover as it is not easy and takes hard work and a lot of introspection and personal development but it IS achievable. As toothpastedog has rightly highlighted, it is important to also evaluate what it is you want your goals to be in terms of recovery both in the short-term and long-term and what you want to achieve with your drug use.

The life you are living is not sustainable and eventually you will start losing everything important to you - unfortunate that is the nature of addiction. You may start resorting to crime (you said you were already struggling financially), you risk damaging both your physical and mental health and destroying many aspects your life as well as the lives of others around you if your addiction continues to progress the way that it is. ORT may help you by allowing you to regain some much need stability so you don’t have to worry about finding money, using and buying drugs everyday which will allow you to work on the issues that caused you to start using in the first place.

My thoughts are with you and I wish you all the best!

 

[cj]

Hey there, I've been clean for a year now and I can tell you the sub approach almost never works long term. You will have to get off of them eventually and it's going to be a lot more difficult than coming off of most other opioids. snip no advertising Cj.

That's not really accurate. Suboxone has a success rate of around 35 percent. Methadone has a success rate of around 60 percent. While abstinence has a success rate of under 10 percent. Also the withdrawal from Suboxone and other maintenance meds can be fairly mild when a proper taper is done and symptoms managed by a professional.

 

[Runningfox]

How you doing King?

I hope you've gone to rehab; plan on long term ORT and have good follow up care. . . Including counselling that brings the parents and gf in on the discussions and education regarding addiction and recovery. That's my HOPE as to what's going on with ya.

PLEASE let this be the case.
And understand : ppl who have no education / experience with addiction are gonna have a hard time accepting or understanding any of it at first. .. if they dodge the whole scene n leave you on your own (God forbid) then DO IT ON YOUR OWN with the support of professionals and the Recovery community.
Catch the others on the flip side when you are Yourself again.

Prayers for your strength peace n wellness.
Give us an update when ya can.

-- Fox

 

[herbavore]

My short term goal is simply to be happy; I just don't feel that way in sobriety today. However, if I could wake up every morning and take one legal, CHEAP, pill prescribed by a doctor that made me feel content with my life ...

-BK

I think we go about achieving happiness in a very backwards manner; and one that is usually not sustainable over time. We get a brief time here on earth as "ourselves", with our particular families and histories and location in the human paradigm. We come in with a full set of emotions and we have to learn to navigate our lives with these pesky things popping up inside us at every turn. Right off the bat we categorize anger, fear, loneliness, jealousy etc as "bad" emotions and we want them to go away; but they don't. We want happiness, better yet, joy and euphoria but we don't want the other emotions. OK, that is probably natural in the same way that it is natural for a baby to want what it wants when it wants it, no ifs, ands or buts! But what if we see our whole emotional realm as part of the same thing: the richness of the human heart. What if we understand that to feel the ultimate intimacy and bonds with other people we must necessarily feel the depths of loneliness? That one cannot exist without the other. What if anger could be held long enough to gain knowledge from and integrated as motivation rather than exploding in destruction and then regret? And what if sadness just made you feel human? What if you could learn to treasure sadness when it comes and be happy to see it go when it goes? Because that is really the nature of all emotions if we let them be--they come and they go. We skew our thinking to notice the "bad" or uncomfortable emotions and not the good sensation emotions; like looking at the clock at 11:11. Every time you do that, you think, "wow, there it is again. It's uncanny how often I look at the clock at 11:11." But is it uncanny how many times you look at the clock at 11:13 or 2:23? No, you just don't even notice that you do? Perception of reality does create reality but only on the surface. There is a deeper reality, a deeper self and that self is born to experience the fullness of human potential. I think the irony for me was when I stopped running from unhappiness, I became a much happier person. I have lived through a tragedy that I was not sure I could survive but that capacity for happiness is rock solid. So is my capacity for unhappiness. The difference now is that I value them both.