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Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

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Hey Sim,

I'm so glad to see you back here, and hope that your time off added some new and interesting perspectives for you. I find that your posts are so open and honest that it encourages the same in others. I really appreciate that. I think you are stronger than you know, but drugs can be powerful persuaders. Drugs can convince us that any lie is real, the guilt will kill us, and that we are happier with them. In all honesty I think that many of us 'glorify' or make the use of DOC (and often others) out to be better than they really were. After all, if they really did make us feel as good, as productive, as good looking, as _____, would really have quit? These are things that if they were true, I'm pretty sure I would have continued using. I like feeling good. However, reality is that the drugs never made me all that. There is one time, once in all the time I used, that I can honestly say that any part of me felt 'good' after using. I chased that good for several years, and then realized that it would never happen again. I quit. The truth was I was miserable, angry, ball of self hatred while I was using. That is why I quit. What made you decide to quit over a year ago? Make that list, dig deep and be honest. Maybe that list can help with the cravings?

Faith- grsh
 
GRSH...I totally agree: I inflate drug use ridiculously in my thinking. Truth is I felt pretty awful most of the time I was actively using.

One thing that is complicating recovery now is that my incentives have changed. For better or worse, the main reason I tried so hard to quit back in 2016-17 was in efforts not to lose my wife. Now that she's gone, it's really easy to go down the rabbit hole of thinking it doesn't fucking matter if I'm off narcotics or not. Obviously there are reasons to quit using besides clinging to a marriage...in theory it shouldn't take something external to motivate such a basic level of self care. But in practice I find it pretty hard to pull off.

Always good to hear from you <3
 
Morning sim,

I think we can all relate to wanting that ambition, energy and drive we had before using back. Im learning that to get there I have to take back 1 ounce of it at a time. Perhaps this part time gig will allow you to do the same. If not, Im also learning that knowing my boundaries/limits is incredibly important, as is admitting when Ive reach them. So if you score this gig and its not working for you, dont be afraid to admit, even if it means having to step down.

Haha thanks for your reassurance about org chem. I knew it would be brutal. But I love it, just listening to ppl talk/reading about it makes me salivate haha and a job doing that? Heaven...But I was in the wrong mindset and I didnt even try. And thats why Im disappointed. Not because there wont be another opportunity, but that I missed THIS one.

Not to hijack your thread and make this about me... But I can also relate to the need for a basic level of self care... I thought separating from a toxic relationship would provide me with the motivation I needed. But as there is no external pressure to conform, Im having difficulty regulating my own behaviour because Im often under the impression that no one cares and thus why should I. However, I notice once my level of self care drops off my mindset goes shortly thereafter and this makes me incredibly prone to relapsing.

Its been almost 2 years now since separating and a few solid relapses later. Throughout this time Ive been slowly learning that first and foremost we need to look out for no. 1. How, is something Im still working out. But I think it differs significantly based upon our own needs.
 
Thanks, TOC. It's cool how much you like chem. And I totally get it about regretting a missed opportunity. You're right, we come back from things like that a little at a time.
 
Sorry I haven't check in with you here in quite a long while simco. Gonna catch up on your writing later today. Can't wait :) <3
 
Well I just shot out a big long lecture to Shroomy on positive self talk, over in the Tapering Supportive /Social room. So I will spare my finger tips the re-hashing n you can scoot over there n read if interested.

I think the absolute hardest thing in life is Unresolved losses. This is what becomes depression, becomes substance use disorders along with a host of other mental/ emotional disorders ..... unless we can set up road blocks in time and cut it off by Dealing with the losses. That's the only way I have been able to move forward in life, and essentially even remain Interested in living.

Self care is truly #1 , as TOC was saying. You dont get anywhere if ya cant get outta bed in the morning.

Then the Dealing with losses --- it is very hard work and what all it entails is gonna vary from person to person naturally so there's no One Right Answer.
Certainly you gotta allow yourself and appropriate amount of time to BE SAD : to cry to wallow to mourn .... if ya skip that step you're heading for disaster no question about it.
But once the Past starts being allllll you think about and you are stuck in a cycle of regrets and saying over n over "it used to be........"
Then you've gotten too deep into the loss instead of moving beyond it.

Of course this is all just my opinion my experience my advice : if you dont recall, it's all coming from a place of :
--- losing my mom & my first husband simultaneously at age 25

--- deaths of 2 of my own kids when I was 19 & 22

-- nervous breakdown
---hard times with health concerns I my 30s which led to addiction to the painkillers
---' EVENTUALITY and finally learning in my mid to late 30s, how to Retrain my Brain, positive self talk, dealing with losses, Finding reasons to live & essentially Becoming the mom to these 5 I've got and the wife, sister, auntie, daughter that these ppl deserve to have in tneir lives

--- then my Pa died n kinda threw me back to that helpless young girl again.or rather, my reactions to that event Threatened to toss me back
I've fought it and continue to fight it, the Depression. .... and at times it's a daily process. At other times when I keep myself busy enuf and concerned enuf with the needs of others, THEN I am able to pull myself outta my own head, and Become that woman I am, again.

You can ALL get past the Past.
Trust me.
Therapy may help ; perhaps mood meds if you can use them responsibly and the doc actually finds you the right ones..... but alot of this is just Learning to accept the losses, understanding that ya might never Understand and being okay with that.....

Learning to LOVE from a distance (not talking about stalking here) but being able to recognize a secret TRUTH :
We can love someone with all our hearts and never ever Be with that person, again. It's possible
And it becomes a peaceful truth after while.


Occupationally: you do what you can handle when you can handle it and don't dwell on whether a position is "beneath you:" or NOT a long your intended career path..... you do the best ya can with what you've got right now.

And day by day ya push yourself a weeeeeee bit to do even Better.

You'll get there.
It's not a race. Take your time while being mindful that allowing Tooooo much time stagnant or wallowing, is NEVER gonna do you any favors.

God Bless!
*keep journaling here; you'll always have tons of support, advice n ideas plus Listeners. Who care n LOVE you! We ain't gonna let you go thru any of this alone! *
 
Thanks, Runningfox. I'm inclined to agree with you about the weight of unresolved loss in our lives. I also agree that maintaining forward progress (whatever that may mean) in life is a great antidote for a sad, unfulfilled life. And of course I'm blushing at your kind well wishes.

When we stop wanting to push our selves a little bit, we're in a dark space.

But I also wanted to draw some distinction between the kind of adversity you're describing and other issues, which for lack of a better term I'll label as depression.

From a very early age, I've struggled with hating myself. Due to my own hangups, I always sense that I'm observing 'real life' from some outside perspective, that I'm an alien in the world and a home with nobody and nowhere. There's plenty of narcissism in this view (after all, what the fuck makes me think I'm special enough to be beyond the pale of human experience?). But it is what it is, though its severity ebbs and flows dramatically over the years.

Now, it's not that I think I'm incapable of getting better from these feelings. In fact, I've had several years here and there where I felt pretty good.

I suppose in some sense, the distinction I'm making is academic. After all, the route out of depression is pretty much what you've described...pushing ourselves a little bit towards a better life. Slow and steady. Or at least slow ;)

And I dunno, maybe at the bottom of what I perceive as free-floating hate for myself and the world there's really a heart of loss that I've never dealt with. I guess I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say. Just expressing my own frustration with myself for winding up stuck down here for so long. It's gotten so old. Constant cycle of gloom, followed by drugs, followed by recovery...rinse, wash, repeat. Blah.
 
I understand where you're coming from. Some of us seem to feel we were Born Depressed. I'm willing to bet some folks are.

But then : how to heal from it?
That's gonna be a singular route no matter who you are. It does seem like a selfish view but that's only natural; we all have to carry a degree of selfishness or we would never survive. I don't think that side of its anything to be ashamed of.

My heart really goes out to ppl who have experienced life long depression. If I look back far enuf I see it in my life too-- crying in bed at night at some of the earliest ages 3-4 yrs old that i can recall: nothing was actually "wrong" in my home life. No abuse. My needs were met. I didn't witness any real adversity or anything. ..... but still i had an innate Sadness going on. I took cues from my parents n siblings which seemed to spell out, "keep negative thoughts to yourself."
That was a major disservice done to me; done to all of us, really.

The healing I figure is going to have to come from the same place the sadness comes from: inside the individual.
For Me it's best when I'm distracted by being of service to others.... doing what small amount of Good I can do for those around me. When I was employed of course IT also came from working hard at my job n doing my best.

Internal emotional lows we have to seek the source of.... if it is never gonna be found then I think we can only work to Counter it, by taking positive action.

Everyone will have different answers I imagine. It's a sucky place to be, alone in your head, in the dark.
 
Today has been the first day of my new work-from-home part-time job. Feels kind of good to have earned some money today.

I've been struggling recovery-wise in the recent weeks. The cycle seems to be pretty consistent...something sets off an emotional nose dive and after 5 or 6 days of that I get intense cravings. Usually I can lock the cravings out, but I've fucked up a couple times and used here and there. Never getting all the way back in. But definitely not a situation I'm OK with.

So I decided that despite the hideous expense, I'm going to go back to that suboxone program I started back in January. I have my intake the day after tomorrow (Thursday). I still feel so ambivalent about getting on subs. They didn't work well for me the time I tried them. But in fairness, that was at the height of my habit and I was in a very different frame of mind then. Likewise, I feel a bit weird volunteering to become dependent on buprenorphine, when I'm not currently dependent on any opioids. But I guess I've convinced myself with these relapses that if I don't get a handle on them, it's just a matter of time before I do get strung out again.

I'm trying to view all this as an 'invitation' to deepen my recovery. Splitting with my wife made me realize that I'd cleaned up back in 2016 mostly to please her (I wanted it too, but she was my main motivation). Now that she's gone (and really in any case) I need to figure out how to get better without her and for myself.
 
^^ I think that's exactly the right way to go sim. At least give it a chance. We are different physiologically n psychologically at dif points in time. And the maintenance meds may just keep you satisfied to the point you dont crave Any nasty substances. Maybe it's something you need for a while. You'll know soon enuf if they help or not I imagine.

I've never looked into such things. When I kicked hydrocodone years back the doc in charge told me my habit was nowhere near the level of needing maintenance meds. And I believed him. And I struggled with the hydros for.....oh bout 8 more years. What a fucker! !

Anyway right now your life's been thru such a major upheaval it's amazing you're not on the streets hustling the hard stuff. You aren't content, however .....and maybe the subs will provide that warm blanket over you while everything's shit and give you that weeeee bit of comfort n assurance, stabilising things so you can Achieve again and be proud of who you are again.

I don't recall how long your marriage was together. ... but my heart breaks for you that it's split right now. I cannot imagine going thru a separation or divorce at the age I am.now. I managed it once when I was young. I dont think I've got another loss like that in.me tbh.

You're always on my mind sim. Keep up the fight for a Life you can enjoy and be proud of .
 
Thanks so much, Runningfox.

Well, things got weird at the sub doc, to say the least. I had been very nervous about re-starting buprepnorphine, and when I got there, that all bubbled to the surface. Full-blown panic attack in the counselor's office, and I told him I had to go and would be back in touch.

I spent the rest of yesterday doing a post-mortem on what happened. I think it had to do with misplaced expectations. I realized that I had pinned a bunch of hope on suboxone more or less magically providing me with relief from a broad range of problems. Once I was looking down the barrel of getting back on them, it all felt naive and lame.

I am realizing that the end of my marriage cut me down more deeply than I had previously realized. I'm so used to walking around in the gloom of free-floating depression and addiction-related stress that I don't think I had properly admitted that this very real, very normal sadness of a heartbreak needs its due.

To answer your question, RF, we were married for 15 years. I am still bound to her emotionally in a way I've never felt with another person. Ugh, the last several nights I've had dreams that we were selling/moving out of our house but weren't ready...running around like crazy putting stuff in boxes so we could go our separate ways. (In point of fact, we actually *did* finish selling our house this week, a financial relief but an emotional iceberg.)

Oh, and I'm in my mid-40s...I know I'm not old per se, but it sure feels old to be nursing a teenage-style heartache.

Thanks so much for your kindness, Runningfox. Means a lot to me. <3
 
simco said:
I know I'm not old per se, but it sure feels old to be nursing a teenage-style heartache.
Click to expand...
Sim, when my ex and I separated in 2014, I had either been in a relationship or married since 1995. I don't know that I was so much heartbroken (I loathed my ex at the time) as the idea of being alone scared the bejeesus out of me. And part of me selfishly panicked at the idea of not getting steady sex (although my ex didn't sleep with me for nearly the last two years we lived together and I never cheated although I can't say the same for her). The ultimate result was I rushed into two toxic relationships that were sexually incredible (maybe I was just a starving man at a buffet) but I had no business being in them. I used to say I'd live with someone but I don't want to be married again, but now on the other side of it and being largely at peace on that front, I don't even want to live with anyone.
 
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Ok so we have a couple things in common. I'm turning 45 this year and have also been married (to my second husband ) for 15 years. I cant imagine breaking up; I would fall to pieces. Which..... I expect is perfectly natural.

Indeed a broken heart feels raw and awful and scary, end-of-the- world scary, just like it felt when we WERE teenagers and our partner was someone we bonded with and shared so much of ourselves with, that Continuing life without their hand to hold, just feels physically impossible and makes us sick.

Love is incredibly powerful.
It is the Only thing stronger than death, in my opinion.

I am able to love people I have lost (who are absent from my life yet still living ) and be at peace , just appreciative of the time and experiences we did share; this acceptance took a Long Time Coming, trust me.

Forgive me; I would say more but I am ill and really need to get to bed and pray for sleep (I cant breathe ; some respiratory / sinus junk ).
I will check back soon.

I think you gotta expect that grieving process to take a shit load of time n emotional energy. I hope so many things for you; PEACE, most of all.
Goodnight fer now.
--fox
 
Hey Sim,

Im not sure that I would equate teenage heart break with the emotions youre feeling after a separation from 15 year marriage. I think itd be weird if you were'nt sad, etc - thats a long time filled with all sorts of connection - and to just forget about it like nothing happened a few months later seems absurd to me.

When my 10 year relationship was drawing to a close (even over the last few years), it was all I wanted to be free. We were (are) still good friends but I just needed out. Then it happened and I was sad. And it seemed so strange. Being in the throws of addiction at the time only complicated matters, as youre finding out. And it took me quite a bit longer than you to realize that these emotions and thoughts and feelings are quite a normal part of the process.

I had intended to post this the other day but it got me thinking so I just put my reply aside.. Anyways..

I have been noticing a few similarities between my recovery surrounding addiction and the healing process surrounding my long-term (toxic) relationship and separation.
They both seem to have caused feelings of loneliness and isolation and require learning to live for ones self again and after such long periods of time in both this is proving to be difficult for me. And perhaps this is because Im dealing with both simultaneously but they are both taking much longer to recover from than I expected.

Anyways,
I hope things are flowing smoothly.
Keep us post <3
toc
 
hey, gang.

over a month since I wrote here.

I had a couple spells of pretty good spirits. But lots of time in the troughs, as well, and I've been down there recently. I feel like my whole life has become about 'recovery' -- recovering from drug addiction, depression and its wake of chaos (lost job, home, etc.), and from my failed marriage. But the recovery feels like it goes nowhere. The stack of shit to recover from grows, but my ability to deal diminishes.

Mostly though I wanted to pop my head up and say hi to all. <3
 
You, my friend are one important mother fucker in my world. You keep that head up man, we will both get through the shit. One way or another.

Funny because even when you're down and out.. You still have a way of uplifting others and giving clear relevant advice, how? I throw my hands on the air and cry like a school girl.

You're in my thoughts bro
 
Sixxam said:
You, my friend are one important mother fucker in my world. You keep that head up man, we will both get through the shit. One way or another.

Funny because even when you're down and out.. You still have a way of uplifting others and giving clear relevant advice, how? I throw my hands on the air and cry like a school girl.

You're in my thoughts bro
Click to expand...

Thanks, sixx. And just to clear up any confusion, I spend most of my time with my hands up, crying like a baby ;)
 
Hey sim
Hey everyone

Been awhile . Life Is a tremendous struggle for some of us; I dunno the answers either, except that we need to keep trying , keep overcoming, keep moving.

God Bless .
 
I just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going. Sometimes it feels that I am here but at the same time i'm not.

I want to get back on opiates, at least I was productive, but at the same time I ain't interested in giving the dealer his rent money.
 
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