Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

[simco]

I'm continuing to take mental notes after my early-week psilocybin experience. It's tough to write about, I'm finding. Just all very slippery, conceptually speaking. And I don't want to overstate the impact of the event, don't want to give the impression that chomping a bunch of mushrooms freed me from my demons or anything.

But...I really am amazed at the way I've been looking at things since the trip.

The most intense aspect of the experience--both in the moment and since it happened--has been a change in the way my mind allocates its attention with respect to the past, present, and future.

As I mentioned in my last post, while I was tripping, the importance of the last few years (the time when I was using hardest and trying hardest to get out from under my addiction) diminished. Between therapy, rehab, NA, and even this journal, I've been spending a huge amount of energy reacting to this uniquely unpleasant period of time. The mushroom experience untied me from that time...I felt deeply connected to my wife's childhood (it was almost as if I gained some childhood happiness by proxy), while also feeling excited about the future.

In the days since the trip, this re-allocation of my attention has continued. It's not as intense as it was in the moment. But it's definitely the case that my eye is on what I can do today to get ready for tomorrow. This raises both excitement and a little anxiety. But overall the excitement outweighs the tension.

It's a huge fucking relief to feel less tied to the period of my life that has been the most awful, to detach a little bit from identifying first and foremost with my addicted self. It's a relief to feel like there actually is a future out there, especially one built on the positive aspects of my (and my wife's) past.

I definitely feel like I'd like to go exploring in this space some more. This all feels like the first glimpse into a complicated landscape.

But even if it's preliminary, it's a relief to have gained a little freedom of perspective. I simply hadn't realized how exhausted I was from staring at my life's ugliest parts.

 

[herbavore]

Sim, I feel like I am still integrating the knowledge gleaned from trips I had 40+ years ago! I do not think there is any way to overestimate how intricate the process really is. One thing to stay aware of is the frequency of use--it can be very tempting to go back again and again when what is most beneficial is to give long periods of time to let the knowledge you were exposed to actually begin to take hold in your daily life.

That sounds like an amazing experience with your wife. Was she taking mushrooms as well or was she your 'sitter'?

I love the way the trip allowed you to step outside what has been consuming your psyche (addiction and recovery) and relax into a fuller self. It must feel very good to have seen that perspective, to be reminded. There is so much about tripping that brings up early childhood to me. Remember how huge and expansive and magical the world felt back when you were four? Nothing was mundane, nothing was boring. And there was no reason to question your place in the world. I like remembering that reality and making a place for it every day.

 

[simco]

Thanks, herby. My wife was my sitter, though she was perfectly happy to engage in as much intensity as I wanted. She's so awesome!

Yes, I can definitely see both the impulse and the hazard to race back for more. I'm going to take your caution seriously. The whole 'more is better' thing really got me in a bad way the last time I tried it . For now, I'm just going to let this experience sit with me for a while. No rush on pushing things too much.

 

[simco]

It's been a while since I updated this journal, and I don't want to let things here get too far behind the facts on the ground.

Things have been a mixed bag with me recently. A lot of anxiety swirling around as I disengage from my job and get ready to move out of state. (Huzzah for fresh starts!) But the anxiety has--thank God--not brought up any impulses to use. That has actually been deeply gratifying...I've found myself incredibly glad that I don't have to fuck around with narcotics anymore, especially in the face of intense anxiety (panic attacks, actually).

One issue that I can't seem to decide has to do with cannabis use. Since quitting heroin I've been smoking weed pretty much daily. And I don't really have an issue with this, except...somehow I've started to think I would like to give the weed a break. I think it may be holding me back from feeling passionate about stuff like creativity, exercise and to some extent, personal relationships.

So I have been experimenting with giving the weed a rest. Instead of smoking nightly, I've smoked about twice a week for the last two weeks. Unfortunately, the anxiety really ramps up if I go a couple days without pot. The pattern is stark enough that I think it *is* cause and effect.

So I find myself pulled in two directions:
1. Cannabis does seem to help with my anxiety. That's a big draw towards continuing with it.
2. I'd really like to get to a point where I can walk through emotions like anxiety without needing to soften the experience with drugs of whatever stripe.

I suppose in some sense the question I'm really wrestling with is what I want my ongoing recovery to look like. Obviously the first order of business is staying off hard drugs. But in addition to that, there's the bigger question of what kinds of life goals I'm working towards, especially now that I'm feeling more stable in my ability to abstain from heroin, etc. I really want to find my way back to creativity and excitement. I'm just not sure what the most reasonable path back to authenticity is for me.

 

[simco]

If I can get all my work done today, then this will be my last day at my job. I can't believe I'm walking away from this. My career has defined me for the last 20 years...my identity was completely wrapped up in my successes (and increasingly, my failures) at work. I'm a bit freaked out by the magnitude of this change. But basically it feels really fucking good.

Fingers crossed for getting everything off my desk today. I'm so ready to be out of here.

 

[P0kemama]

Sim: I really enjoyed reading the synopsis of your experiences with NA that you wrote to ChicagoMike. Your experiences mirror mine in detail. I am now sponsorless and feel really good about it, as I have several closed mouth friends to bounce things off of, and I did work the steps several times my first go around in recovery so have that experience as a foundation for incorporating the spiritual principles into my life.

As for leaving your job... it sure sounds like you have mixed emotions about ending this part of your life which in my opinion, is so normal after it has been a part of your life for so long. I look forward to reading your journal as you get farther away from this career and how leaving it impacts you. It seems like you will have more time and energy to focus on writing.

 

[KraziKat]

Hi Sim,
Just wanted to drop in and say hello and "wow," after reading your story. I'm new around here, but you've been kind enough to chime in on my thread and your words have been helpful and encouraging. Thanks.

Also, the part about psychedelics... I was a roxy/oxy junkie for a good 5 years. And all the while, I would trip a couple times a year on shrooms or LSD, or even MDMA. EVERY time I did, I always had the revelation that I was going to clean up and be DONE with the pills. Of course, the next morning, usually hungover and tired because I drank a lot to "come down," I'd pop that pill and never truly break the cycle. But while under the spell, I've always saw the light.

 

[Jabberwocky]

On their own, empathogens, entheogens and psychedelics aren't enough to overcome the bonds of addiction (or trauma or mental illness for that matter). However, they can can be very useful tools, particular when used once one has begun to distance one's self a bit from harmful/compulsive substance use. Some are more effective than others at disrupting active addiction (iboga/ibogaine, ketamine, DXM and DMT seem to be a bit more effective than LSD, magic mushrooms, mescaline or MDMA when it comes to interrupting addiction to a number of substances).

Everyone is different though, and it all comes down to set and setting - how the stuff is used; their use can heal just as well as cause harm. When used properly though, and it's not hard to do, the potential for healing is really quite remarkable. A beautiful thing indeed.

 

[closeau]

I wanna try DMT for my issues. Priests, rehabs, hospitals, mental wards, buddhist monks, scientology, tons of other stuff its been awhike since i tripped.

Simco im so proud of you dude thank you so much for sharing you reached out and helped yourself and allowed others to help you. Bravo!!! Keep it up ypure an inspiration. Ive spent 12 yrs in NA/AA with relapses. I cannot walk without opiates ive tried every alternative and 6 weeks ago i shot some dope in a manic blackout. No exuse but its been hard trying to restart recovery and take my meds as prescribed. If mot for a promise to my daughter i woulda kept going but im all good and you are proof positive ot can be done. PM me if you want ill tell you details. Later bud

 

[simco]

I haven't been writing in this journal for a few weeks, mainly because my old friend Depression has come for what seems to be an extended visit. It took me a while to even realize what was going on. It started with panic attacks. And those are still on from time to time. But over the last few weeks the color has drained out of everything and every decision feels like a trap. Suicidal fantasies are all over the place (though I'm pretty sure they're just that--fantasies).

Part of the issue has to do with some big life changes I'm going through.

After working a job I hated for 13 years, I finally resigned as of last week. My wife and I are planning to move out of state for a fresh start--after the hell of my addiction and the illness and death of my mother. This had previously made me feel really excited. But suddenly, I feel unmoored and lost. I don't regret leaving my job. But nevertheless my (life-long) feelings of being a failure and a disappointment are huge. The gist of my thought process is: if you can't feel good now, you'll never feel good...what's the fucking point?

I'm venting here. I have lived through depressions before, and I imagine I'll live through this one, too. But it does seem like the older I get, the darker my depressive episodes get.

One thing I can say, though, is that I often get a moment of relief when I realize that I'm not strung out on heroin. As shitty as I feel, I know things would be way worse if I was still using.

Now that I think of it, two days ago marked 7 months since I quit. I'm glad for that, at least.

 

[ABetterWay]

I'm on page five reading. Congrats. And thank you. This shit is hard, newly off h here. Ugh ugh ugh. It's funny because the acute part is over and I don't feel that awful....yet I feel fucking awful.

Following. Be well. Peace. Xoxo

 

[simco]

I'm on page five reading. Congrats. And thank you. This shit is hard, newly off h here. Ugh ugh ugh. It's funny because the acute part is over and I don't feel that awful....yet I feel fucking awful.

Following. Be well. Peace. Xoxo

Congrats on getting off smack. Have you quit before, or is this ride new to you?

Sim

 

[ABetterWay]

Hey Simco

I've quit before. I have a connective tissue disorder and the pain is bad. Started with scripted meds, moved states just as laws around opiates were tightening, never really got help from a doctor - I had to figure out what I had, for example, they didn't even try, maybe bc I was so young - so I would get the occasional pills from the street, then they ran dry, refused heroin for a while but.....yeah.

I need to be done because I'm in a very abusive marriage with an alcoholic. I am not wealthy thus the struggle to stay opiated was taking too much time, energy, etc. Made things too unstable. I almost died from pneumonia last time I worked, I catch everything and get very ruin down easily. Time to attempt to take control of my health, now that I actually know what I have. Here's hoping and praying I can find a way to support myself again despite my health,. If I don't get away I fear he will kill me one day.

How are you hanging in there today, hon? I've really enjoyed reading your posts. You're very introspective and possess good self awareness. I'm proud of you! I know the struggle is no joke! And I'm so sorry for your loss, hon.

Keep up the great work! Xoxo

 

[simco]

Things have been challenging recently (as I mentioned earlier, anxiety and depression have been up as I set about a career change). But I have been really happy to notice that all this stress and negative energy hasn't made me want to use. In fact, when I'm feeling down, I often catch myself thinking that at least I don't have to juggle a dope habit on top of everything else. At least I'm not lying and hiding shit from the people I care about.

Every now and then a craving still pops up. But they are nothing like the ones I had even up to just a few months ago. People used to tell me that staying clean would get easier, but I couldn't imagine it. Turns out that with time (it *is* a slow process, I'll admit), they're right.

Good luck to everyone in their recovery today.

 

[the last dose]

Hey sim just stopping in to say hi ive been off for a month or so. May 25 was 6 months clean for me im happy to see your doing well brotha.

 

[simco]

Hey sim just stopping in to say hi ive been off for a month or so. May 25 was 6 months clean for me im happy to see your doing well brotha.

So glad to see you back on SL! And as I mentioned over on the May Getting/Staying Clean thread...huge congrats on 6 months!

Sim

 

[Sixxam]

I need to catch up. Glad you're still on point brother. I think of you often.

 

[simco]

I need to catch up. Glad you're still on point brother. I think of you often.

Sixx! So glad to see you on the thread, man.

Yeah, things are going pretty well, recovery-wise. How about with you?

 

[the last dose]

Thanks Sim!! I appreciate it brotha and i know what your saying during some of my bad days. I always think the same thing to myself that it could be way worse having to deal with dosing ops around the clock daily fuck that!!!!.


Hey Sixx how ya doing man!

 

[simco]

Weird thing yesterday...I got hit with the first really serious cravings for dope for a long time. I made it through the day OK, just kept real busy. But it startled the fuck out of me. It's been several months since I had to deal with serious cravings. Kind of freaked me out, though in retrospect, I shouldn't be so surprised.

I've got a shit-ton of change going on in my life right now. I just quit my job (which I hated, but which also had a lot of my identity wrapped up in it). I'm pulling up roots and moving out of state for a fresh start (without my job, there's no reason for me to live in this depressed Midwestern burgh; it's just a carnival of dealers and addicted acquaintances to me). Last week, a close friend of mine killed herself. Even though the job quit and the move are exciting, I have been stressed and anxious about them--waking up all full of anxiety at odd hours. Then the suicide came and of course intensified things.

Anyhow, today has been better, so far. Still anxious. But no serious thoughts about using. Still, yesterday's headspace was really creepy. I just didn't know that a part of me was still so prone to go in that direction. Like I said earlier...I'm not sure why I was surprised by this. But I was.