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Binge drinking - lightheadedness

Seems Ive crossed over, again.

Today was crap, despite staying well fed and hydrated. I was nauseous and anxious all day. The day dragged as all I could think about was booze. I developed a headache and despite the food/water it wouldnt dissipate. Until I started drinking again and my symptoms were relieved.

Im disappointed its come to this, again.

Im supposed to go away for the weekend as its buddys birthday. They will be drinking but Im hoping to stay lit (mostly on edibles ,because piling more drugs on wont be a problem) and come back 72 hours alcohol free. We will see.
 
Well I managed to go without drinking all weekend at buddys party. I even turned down M because I had indulged recently. I was proud of both these choices.

What was different, and rather difficult, was that for the first time I had to, or rather chose to, tell people Ive chosen not to indulge in alcohol due to my abusive relationship with it.

What made matters worse was I had never met most of buddys friends before. Thankfully they were all very respectful (of my decision) and didnt pressure me. In fact theyre all quite wonderful and caring people, who go beyond what Im used to friends doing for each other.

Im not sure if I was experiencing mild WD last week, or over the weekend (as I was constantly medicated with edibles) but by now I should be over the worst of them anyways. And due to the lack of sleep over the weekend, my cold got a footing and yesterday was rough. Ended up with a decent fever yesterday afternoon and awoke this morning drenched. I still feel like crap, almost thankfully, and have no desire to drink.

Im broke af too, with all available funds go towards rent on Thursday (but ill still be a little short, thankfully the landlords cool)..so that helps. Glad Im stocked for healthy food though with this cold eating is now a chore.

But works picking up. Im slowly breaking this renewed drinking habit. And Im stressing less generally.

Heres to a good week
 
I'm on day 11 myself. I think I got food poisoning from breakfast on Monday. Either that, or I picked up a bug in the hospital. I've had a nasal drip ever since being discharged but no other symptoms. I woke up early Tuesday morning with excruciating abdominal cramps around 3:45am and couldn't get back to sleep and I was in pain the entire day after. It seems to have resolved itself which is good because I was going to go to the clinic this morning. I got a good night's sleep last night. Trump's speech was so slow and boring it put me out.
 
Congrats man.
How are you feeling beyond the gastro issues? Sometimes hospitals are the worst for picking up these kinda things.

Im coming up on a week on friday.
I say this every time but it feels good to be free. Or well, free for now perhaps is more realistic.
Perhaps it will be different this time though?

Seems the wheels usually fall of in a similar manner.
Bad habits slowly replace the good habits I put in place to help refrain from drinking.
A stressor of some sort comes around and I reckon just some light indulging for one night wont hurt.
Shortly there after Im knee deep again.

Have you noticed any patterns in your use?
 
No, I don't really sense a pattern. I drink out of stress and boredom. I am getting my benzo script filled so hopefully that will quash any urges I might get, although the memories of being in the hospital are so fresh I'm not worried about going back down that road in the short term. It's the long term that concerns me. I felt fine beyond the abdominal cramps yesterday. Still feeling a bit under the weather but maybe that's because some nights I'll get a great night's sleep and others I'll hardly sleep at all. Donald Trump should give a big speech every night. Put me right out.=D
 
Recognizing you drink out of stress and boredom seems like a pattern, no?

What concerns you about the long term?
 
Well right now I still have the fear of God in me having just come out of the hospital. I just wonder how long that memory will stay with me. That?s my concern for the long term.
 
Seems similar to my usage.

Go a while without and forget all my previous woes, then recommence where I left off.

Thats why I feel recognizing patterns surrounding these events is important
 
Im not sure what it was ...
Perhaps staying up late the night before threw me off. Perhaps it was the edible I had in the morning (I was long down though).
Perhaps its some sort of (mental?) symptom of WD, as today marks a week since I purchased booze last (I drank last friday morning tho).

But I couldnt get to sleep last night. And then was up early.
Suppose I should count my blessing. 5 hours used to be plenty.

I awoke suddenly and agitated.
Then got a msg from my business partner about work next week. Another slow week.
This compounded my frustration.

Christ I need to get back to my morning routine.
Such a nice way to start the day, compared to hoping on the computer.

But I booked another new client. And we confirmed another.

Relieves some stress.
Pot will help. But I cant simply switch drugs.

Odd how when I need the routine and structure associated with my healthy routine I shy away from it the most...
 
Well the pot helped yesterday morning.

But then as we were cleaning our client told us shed be away and cancelled on a later week. A week for which I just booked a one time clean.
Given my agreenment with my friend this would have been income for me. Now its totally negated.
So my mood suddenly flipped. Or tried to anyways.

I was able to recognize it.
I tried to accept it... ahh didnt work as well as i had hoped.
I investigated as to the reasons
And did my best not to identify with it.
(Im really trying to implement my meditative techniques back into daily life as they are so critical in over coming this addiction)

Conclusions?
I need a new fucking work agreement.
I cant keep busting my ass finding new clients, only for old clients to cancel and my hours go towards her alotted 20. And then I only get 1 or 2 hours.
I know its what we agreed to, but I didnt realize she was below 20 when I had agreed.
I'd be better off on my own. At least then Id get all the hours I pull in.

But that was yesterday, morning.
I was salty and tired due to a lack of sleep from the night before so I ate and took a nap.
I had plans to do something after my nap but I was unmotivated.

I managed to get the dishes in and make a decent meal for dinner.
But I just vegged out for the rest of the day.

I awoke around midnight though, in a cold sweat, with an upset stomach ..
Dunno if its all the vegetables and carbs (and a lack of meat) or wtf caused the stomach issues..
I managed to get to sleep before 1 though and this morning isnt soo bad.

Made a decent breakfast (first one all week... due to cold and general malaise).
Off to work.. then up to stay at ym daughters for the weekend.... again
She wanted a sleep over with some friends up that way ... its hard to say no. but its even harder not to see her...
Im glad her mom and I, and her new partner are amicable... makes life exponentially easier

enjoy the weekend.
toc
 
Sorry to hear about the upset stomach. Having just gone through that I can sympathize. The pain woke me up around 3:45am and I was in so much pain I couldn't fall back asleep. My mother popped in unannounced yesterday. I am glad I have plenty of benzos on hand now because I will need it deal with her overbearing bullshit. I went to bed around 10pm (super early for me) and woke up around 7. I was going to take another Ativan to fall back asleep, but the sun is already up at 7 so I figured what's the point so I turned on the morning news and had my usual light breakfast of hardboiled eggs, breakfast cereal and fruit. I still can't eat very much at any one time. I'm drinking a lot of hot herbal teas. I had a therapist who once advised me, "You'll hear at AA don't quit everything at once. My advice is quit everything at once." So I've crossed nicotine and caffeine off the list, now I just have to find a way to cross off alcohol on that list permanently. People in AA have even told me that quitting nicotine is more difficult than quitting alcohol. I'm not so sure about that.
 
So it seems that just as I was starting to feel better I got sick again over the weekend. I spent yesterday with a mild fever, sleeping on and off. I went to bed in good time but awoke shortly there after and was up until after 1, only to wake up at 6. Im not tired and all the lazing around and sleeping likely explains my inability to sleep at night.

This marks the 3rd week Ive been sick and just sitting around. Im not even walking anymore and the rest of my physical routine is long gone. My muscles are sore as they atrophy.

To make matters worse I spend most of my time on some sort of screen, Ive pretty well stopped socializing too and my hobbies sit long unattended.

I thought I had bottomed out before but... despite being ~ 2 weeks alcohol free Im the lowest Ive been in ages.

Seems theres more to overcoming addiction than simply stopping the drug abuse. Who knew
 
^^
Oh, TOC, I totally feel you. It seems unfair...we want to recover so we do our best to quit using, only to find out that there's more to it than ceasing/changing our drug use. Seems like kind of a bait and switch.

For what it's worth, in the recent months (during my own tailspin) I've been trying to focus on really small, attainable goals. Seriously small. Shit like, buying groceries. Changing my bedsheets. Even changing a lightbulb. When I write these out, they seem pretty lame. But they've been keeping me on the right side of the real dark. I basically make a deal with myself--if I change this lightbulb so my room is less dingy, I can crawl back under the covers and do whatever the fuck I feel like. Then, slowly over the last few weeks, I've tried to make the goals a *little* more ambitious. Meet someone for coffee. Catch up on BL. etc.

Do you feel like there are issues in addition to being sick and being off booze that are contributing to your feeling lousy?
 
I figured out a while ago that stopping is not the hardest part, it's staying stopped that is so damn difficult.
 
simco said:
Do you feel like there are issues in addition to being sick and being off booze that are contributing to your feeling lousy?
Click to expand...

I feel like its almost entirely related to my lifestyle. Of course Im going to continue to feel lousy if Im just sitting here bingeing on social media/screen time and not including (m)any healthy choices.

From previous experience: exercise (of any variety), time spent outdoors, and activities to better my mental health (socializing, meditation, personal hygiene, etc), go soooo far. Despite this knowledge in stuck in this escapist loop.

What am I escaping from?
Recently Ive become aware (again) of the crushing loneliness and lack of purpose I have been overcome with since my daughter moved in with her mom in the summer.

And given my years of codependency (both with alcohol and my previous partner) it seems I have no idea how to live for and take care of myself. Ok I have it in theory but not in practice.

Aihfl, I would have to agree.
But I question the underlying reasons for my continued returns. I feel like if I can address these issues Id be less likely to choose that path again.
 
It's such a vicious cycle: we feel shitty because we lack stimulation, socialization, accomplishment--but we can't rise to these challenges because we feel too shitty. Story of my life too, bro.

Have you been like this before? One thing that sometimes helps me is to try to keep in mind that this isn't my first anhedonia rodeo...I've been stuck in this loop at other points in my life and eventually I've always climbed out. I admit, it's not a huge consolation. But it's better than despondency (those may not be your only options; I'm speaking of myself there).

Do you get to see your daughter much?
 
This seems like my first bout with this. Googling anhedonia - "inability to feel pleasure" (thats just the first description, perhaps its not entirely correct?) Im not sure I would identify entirely as such.

I see my daughter on weekends and during this time I am often in a fine state of mind and we have a wonderful time doing a variety of activities, both inside and out, and with friends. But then sunday comes and the 4 hr drive begins my spiral for the week.

What has helped you climb out of these bouts?
 
Earlier I had a small toke.
Shortly there after Im doing the dishes and thinking about this situation I find myself in.

I dont mean to seem whiney, many people have stories that are heart crushing, In comparison mine seems so insignificant but...

I came to realize that its not just the situation surrounding my daughter, but everything thats happened "recently", which I feel is weighing so heavily on me now. And to my understanding, stressful events cause stress for given amounts of time, given the severity.

I seperated from my ex in the summer of 16. Then went back to finish my degree when it was obvious mom was sick in later in 16. Mom passed early 17. Daughter moved summer 17. I moved shortly thereafter. Then I failed out of my chem major. And now I am financially fucked.
...
 
Have you been evaluated for depression? When my psychiatrist put me on antidepressants (Celexa in the morning; Remeron and doxepin at night) it was life changing and enabled me to put together the first extended period of sobriety I've had since I was 17. I was enjoying my hobbies and life in general.
 
No I havent seen anyone in regards to these issues.

It would seem to my untrained eye that I definitely exhibit a fair few symptoms.
But given what my "life" has consisted of, especially these past few months - almost literally nothing but binging screen time - I feel like anyone would exhibit such symptoms.
It would seem unreasonable, to me, to expect to feel good when you dont take any (or very few) steps to achieve such a state.

I used to question the validity of a lot of things. Addiction and depression were among those at the top of the list. But life has taught me that shits real.
I still question big pharma and all those involved (including dr's). I understand that deviations in thought process and brain chemistry, from what is considered "normal", can be "normalized" through regimes of prescription medications. And I understand that in some cases, for given amounts of time, these treatments are necessary and perhaps the only means. But often times it would seem that the drugs are still prescribed long after they're beneficial, as a means to treat the symptoms, not the actual cause.

Suppose what Im trying to say, is that Im hoping that a lifestyle change will elicit the change Im after, without the need for more medicating, albeit prescribed this time.

Im glad to hear that you were able to find some relief though man.
When were you prescribed? Are you still on them? And if so are they still effective?
 
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