• HEALTH & RECOVERY
    Welcome Guest
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Thread Directory 1 Thread Directory 2
    Mindfulness Links Addiction & Mind
    Sober Living Partner Program (SLiPP)
  • H&R Moderators: VerbalTruist | cdin | Lil'LinaptkSix

Binge drinking - lightheadedness

Yes, I am still on those antidepressants. I saw the psychiatrist yesterday and when I told him I had lost interest in the hobbies I used to so much enjoy, he said it was depression and upped the dose of Celexa from 20mg to 40mg. I'm supposed to see him in 10 weeks to see if it's having the desired effect. The Remeron and doxepin are mostly for sedation at night because I have been pretty much a lifelong insomniac and he doesn't want me taking the benzos he prescribes for sleep because of addiction and rebound anxiety/insomnia issues. Now that I am back on my psych meds, I feel pretty good and positive. I also have friends who make sure I get to an AA meeting most days of the week, so I think a support network is just as important (maybe more important) than medication. The psychiatrist was horrified at the hospital doctor. He said I could have done just as well at home with the benzos, clonidine and propranolol.
 
TOC, in addition to psych meds, there are other kinds of treatment you might consider. In particular, plain old talk therapy has helped me a tremendous amount over the years. Finding a good therapist is hard. And therapy with an unskilled therapist is frustrating. But if you can find someone you click with, talk therapy can help to get some leverage on the sticky kinds of problems you?re wrestling with.
 
Yes, as I am learning addiction and recovery are so multifaceted, it would seem the treatment there of is as well.
I have considered talk therapy before but I dont have insurance and although Im in Canada Im not sure that its covered. And Im inclined to believe thats not necessarily going ot cure what ails me. I dont mean to sound (?) but I feel like Ive been here before (depressed after a binge) and I know how to get myself out.
Its just doing it thats the challenge.

A big part of my recovery is psychedelic therapy.
I benefit so much from appropriately scheduled journeys (to minimize cross tolerances), as they seem to illuminate alternate paths (which I wouldnt see stuck in this gloom) and reduce my depression (with the exception of high doses of MDMA, obviously haha) and (social) anxiety. Ive found it especially useful during early stages of recovery, just like this.
But, rather unfortunately, Ive been sick for 3 weeks now (almost as long since Ive stopped drinking, coincidence? perhaps haha) and Ive found Im better off waiting until after Im sick.

Kinda funny how I question big pharma yet use psychedelics.
Perhaps its because of the frequency of use (daily vs weekly, even less once Im out of the first few months of recovery), the risks/rewards of use I have compiled for myself, or my own personal bias.
But Im reminded of this meme of some "dirty hippie" with a caption to the effect of: wont drink dairy but takes lsd from strangers.

Aihfl, if you dont mind, can I be nosey and ask how long you have been prescribed them? Hopefully adjusting the dose will allow for the desired effect. Have you had to adjust the doses before?. Im such a baby when it comes to my sleep (as seen below haha), I dont want to imagine being an insomniac. I imagine it presents a whole host of problems. Do you find those meds work? Im not familiar with them, are they for getting to or staying asleep? And do you find they effect the quality of your sleep or is that difficult to say?Also what do you think of your psyche? They sound fairly reasonable to me in as much as they are reluctant to simply prescribing benzos for sleep.
....
Despite another night of only 4 hours of shitty sleep and waking up soaked - to the point of having wrinkled fingers, wtf - I feel better today. Im not really eating as much as I should but its atleast relatively decent when I do and Im staying plenty hydrated.
But I took another day off work, just to rest. I figured I could afford it haha. But it turned out the client cancelled because they were sick too. Either way.
 
I am happy to share any helpful information TOC. I was first prescribed the combination of Remeron and doxepin during a hospital stay in November 2015. Remeron is good for initiating sleep and doxepin is good for helping me stay asleep. Remeron is a tetracyclic antidepressant and doxepin is a tricyclic antidepressant but both are used for insomnia as well. I sleep like a log on these meds. It's such a relief.

I was first prescribed Celexa in a detox center in March 2016. I resisted it at first insisting I wasn't depressed, but the doctor finally convinced me to at least try it and it was life changing for a while. When I left the detox center I felt like this time was going to be different, even though I really didn't know why. And it was for quite a while.

We have not tinkered with the doses until now. He upped the dose of Celexa because the other two are sedating and would probably turn me into a zombie.

I like my psychiatrist, I think he is a very good doctor. He insists benzos are for acute anxiety and panic only. And I appreciate that he is sending me for neuro-psychological testing for an untreated concussion several years ago.
 
TOC, for what it's worth, a stint on antidepressants by no means requires you to continue using them. If it sounds attractive, you could give a medication (or a few) a try for a couple months, and if in a while you feel better, you can always go off of them. Plenty of folks find help from short/medium-term use of psych meds.
 
Well I had typed out a well thought out response on my phone... perhaps a little long winded... but then went to bed.

Added to it this morning and then tried to post.. And its now lost in the ether ... Classic

Suffice to say that I dont feel Im quite in the need for antidepressants, atleast not yet. Perhaps they would alleviate some of the symptoms Im experiencing, perhaps not. Im not saying Im not in need of some sort of therapy atm though but....

Id like to give my methods, addressing the various aspects of health - to the best of my abilities, a go.
My methods? Well Ive spouted it all over this thread. And they help, when I follow them. And when I dont a relapse is usually soon to follow.
Correlation =/= causation. But Im fairly certain Im way better off doing these activities then avoiding them.

Thats it for now..
 
It's cool that you've accumulated your own strategies for handling this stuff. Ultimately I think that's what long-term recovery is really rooted in...coming to know ourselves in a way that allows us to work on our own behalf.

Keep us posted! <3
 
Well these past few days have been better, in terms of my mind set.
I am eating, tending the house and my personal hygiene better. And Im watching less tv. But Ive yet to actively engage in the majority of my routine.

I often feel tired, even after a short day at work and lots of sleep the night before.
But I dont think its truly sleepiness. I feel like its aversion. To what?

An aversion to finding a job to supplement my income while this business gets going. Why?
I cant go back to the soul crushing mundane nature of factory work. Having no mind while the body goes on repeat for 12 hours.
The fear of failure/rejection associated with accounting. I have a criminal record, no experience and Im far older than most applicants in my field with the same level of experience.

But avoiding the whole situation only creates more stress as February draws to a close and rent comes due again.

Perhaps I'll throw together a resume quick and fire off some emails today. Itd be a start anyways...

Breakfast now anyways...
 
Well i managed 1 application in 2 days, Ha... Not exactly what I had hoped for.

But we sat down and threw together a facebook page and Ive been spamming local groups ever since. Seems to be working as weve picked up a few clients...

Still wont be enough for rent, but... Such is life.

I ended up at my dads this weekend. My grampas second wife passed very suddenly early last week and although we havent ever been close I knew we should come up to support him (as the rest of my family are well... distant).

He is incredibly shaken. Like my father he is quite stoic and to see him so heart broken is (?).
....
Im reminded of Tool - Right in Two
"Repugnant is a Creature who would squander the ability to lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here."
....
So tomorrow Im supposed to do dinner for 10. Oddly enough I think the occasion calls for a trip. Why? Im not sure.

Its not an escape from family. Def not recreation.

This whole thing has stirred up emotions surrounding my moms death just over a year ago and Im hoping this may help to clear some of those cobwebs....

Surrounded by family who love and care for me. But have no idea Im sky high... Sounds like a setting for disaster haha...

Maybe ill wait. Well see
 
I can definitely see the appeal. I guess the main question I?d ask is whether being high is likely to impinge on your ability to connect emotionally with people. I honestly have no idea how it would turn out.
 
My family doesnt connect emotionally. Unless its negative. My dad, uncle and grampa (his two suns) are typically nothing but negative - constantly gripeing about this or that event/person/situation. Even when its long past and or outside of their control....

I feel like its where i get my shitty outlook from. Though in conversation with a friend once, some time ago now, she shared her husband was the same and thats why her outlook is now so skewed... To which my response was, how long can we continue to blame others, in our past no less, of our actions now?
....
So dinner went well, everything turned out great. I made chicken and potatos, brocolli and salad. I even made gravy using a quick vegetable stock i made earlier using the ends of the veggies i cut up for snack and the drippings from the chicken.

Everyone just left though and Im exhausted, as im usually fast asleep by now.

I decided against tripping after i spent the morning with my dad. First doing groceries for tonight. Then we planned to go fishing but i realized i forgot my license so we took a drive out to a local tackle shop that was closing. it was closed and despite my warnings that ppl were coming soon he insisted we go to another, 45 minutes away.

While there my brother called because he showed up (on time for once haha) and no one was home. My dad relished in this and laughed for the next 10 minutes, in the store, and for a solid 20 minutes on the way home. He thought my brothers frustration was hilarious.

So by the time we got back and i prepped the chickens it was too late to indulge. And after that long in with my dads constant negativity i was in no mood. In fact I was quite on edge.

My brother decided to do his taxes, while my dad continued to bug him. They bickered. My dad then left because he didnt want to be around for when his dad came (he says all he does is talk and retell stories but my dads told me the same story 4 times since i got here on friday) and my brother kept asking questions about the program he was using to do his taxes. I wouldnt normally mind but now I was all spun (emotionally/mentally) and trying to prep dinner.

By the time he was done my dad was back, and being a twat again, so he starts drinking. As does my dad and uncle. Mind they can all drink responsibly. Then dinner comes and everyone except my grampa and i drink. And despite the heart attack and recommendations not to drink my dad has most of the wine himself and becomes increasingly more himself...

Just one wont hurt. Right

Wrong. Christ why didnt i trip.

Why didnt i bring weed?

But i avoided it by removing myself periodically to hang out with the kids and catch my breath.
 
Literally first thing in the morning and my Dad gets going again. This time about why my brothers girlfriend chose not to come yesterday. Then onto my grampa, my aunt and then my grandma on my moms side.

I want to be able to visit him. Ive forgive him for being a fool all those years and I want to have a relationship with him, so that he can see my daughter grow up. But hes still the same as he always was. And even when hes not in the house I swear it resonates with his energy. Its difficult to even be here, let alone hang out with him.

I understand that having people over last night was difficult for him and he needs to vent. I understand he is a product of his environment as much as I am. I understand that there are many things that I dont understand about him - and theres no way (that I can forsee) that ill ever understand, because hed never talk about it.

Im thankful that I have come so far in my recovery and Im able to navigate these difficult situations as best as i can. Even coming into town triggers something inside me: "booze...escape, run!" And organizing a family dinner creates an even stronger pull.
...
I was reading my journal on friday before I came. 4 years ago I was trying to quit apparently. I had no idea it had been so long. At that time I was 5 weeks in and still in a state of despair, questioning how kong id been this way and if itd ever end.

Im in such a better space now.

But still something seems to be missing.
Happiness, purpose, love?
 
Glad you're feeling better TOC. I can relate to your feeling about your father because if I stand any chance of being able to stay stopped, I have to keep my mother at arm's length. She is an overbearing micromanager and at times does things completely counter to common sense, which is a source of irritation for me, and people like us, well, we know what we do when we experience negative emotions. I've learned in therapy that it's ok to remove yourself from situations that produce these kinds of feelings. It's ok to say no; you don't have to "grin and bear it," like my own father used to say. I'm about to do it right now as a matter of fact and go outside to smoke a cigarette. My mother is loudly talking about coming to court with me and how we should plan our day in front of her significant other which is making me extremely uncomfortable because it's none of his business and now he's lecturing me about allowing her to be supportive of me.
 
Last edited:
Man, TOC, I know what you mean about being amazed at how long I've been trying to quit. I've pretty much lost track of the times, but I'm pretty sure I've been actively trying to quit (on again off again) way longer than I was using, full-bore.
 
This morning was rough for me as the funeral approach. By no means was I close with my step grandma and as my family did not enjoy her presence they tended to exclude both her and my grandpa from a lot of things over the past 10 years and thus I havent been as close with him as Id like.

Obviously I could have made a conscious effort to visit them independently, or at the very least call. But that never happened. Nor did he make any effort.

Anyways I became increasingly anxious. Despite attempting to remain grounded I continually lost focus and would become engulfed in the swirl of thoughts and emotions.

I wept in the shower. And later at the funeral. Not because I would miss her but because I missed my mom (and this brought back memories), because these people will surely miss their mom/sister/friend etc and for my grampa who quite clearly misses her already.

Afterwards, my family got together to be there for my grandpa. Well, most of them... My dad couldnt be bothered to come to the funeral.. and my brother said itd set him back in his recovery (in regards to the anxiety hes been experiencing since my moms passing).

We decided to go out for dinner and i called my dad to ask if hed like to come too. He impolitely declined.

This wouldnt normally bother me. He usually bails on family dinners... But today it did.

It made me question... If I can look past all his bullshit and come spend days with him while he continues to be a black hole of negativity and anger... Why tf cant he just suck it up and be there for his father in his time of need. After all it was just yesterday he criticized my brothers girlfriend for not coming to dinner...

Am I just enabling his negativity by continuing to come around and looking the other way?

My daughter told me on the way back to his place that his constant yelling at the cat (my mom had a cat) and etc bothers her.

So why do I even bother?
It negatively impacts both of us and does no good for him (that he shows). So why put myself through this? My brother refuses.
 
12-step stuff isn't my favorite, but sometimes those folks hit the nail on the head. One of their real gems is the insight that you can't change other people's behavior (at least not consistently), and it's crazy-making to try.

I advise trying to separate the grief you're feeling right now from your anger at your dad. The grief is something you need to deal with. The anger is--possibly--something you can put on the back burner. Your relationship with your dad will still be there when the grief is less raw, and if you want to, you can reconsider your relationship with him then.

Of course, bracketing your feelings towards your dad is easier said than done.
 
Business seems to be picking up (for the next two weeks anyways, this one is shot though).
I am finding and dedicating time to it though. It feels rewarding.

Rent for the end of the month is shot though. Ill be a few hundred short. Thankfully my land lord is cool.
But Ill file taxes monday and that should help, but itll take a few weeks to come in.

I always said I should do taxes for a living.
Its an easy 2/3 months of easy money....I think I'll look more into it.
I like the idea of having multiple part time sorta gigs. It would hopefully keep things fresh.
...
I smoked for the first time since Friday earlier.
Christ I need to remember to bring edibles with me when I go to my dads. That would have been so helpful ha.
I really find it helps, so long as Im not smoking all the time. It just doesnt seem to work.

Anyways...
Time to enjoy some relaxing time at home. Without my dad haha
 
I woke up really early this morning, but my Dad would shit a brick if I got up that early. And its not like I really want to spend time with him. So I just went back to bed.

I awoke already quite ??? and by the time my Dad began on about why he didnt go to dinner I was quite anxious.
He again reminded me that if I were to do Yoga, do it downstairs so the neighbours dont see, because he had opened the curtain ...

On his way to the store, his Dad called.
I proded him when he got back. That was my own fault.
But when I reminded him that my Grandpa would be calling asking him to stay with him for a few days while this blows over he lost it.

Im not sure staying there for such a long time is healthy for anyone.
Even his cat is angry because hes such a mean spirited person and hates on the cat too.

My daughter ended up playing hookey for the rest of the week and we came home.
Wish I had known that yesterday so we could have left last night.
....
We got back in good time and went over to my friends house.
We talked business as Ive been away for a bit and then we stayed for supper. And then met a potential client seeking a quote.
Business seems to be picking up (for the next two weeks anyways, this one is shot though).
I am finding and dedicating time to it though. It feels rewarding.

Rent for the end of the month is shot though. Ill be a few hundred short. Thankfully my land lord is cool.
But Ill file taxes monday and that should help, but itll take a few weeks to come in.

I always said I should do taxes for a living.
Its an easy 2/3 months of easy money....I think I'll look more into it.
I like the idea of having multiple part time sorta gigs. It would hopefully keep things fresh.
...
I smoked for the first time since Friday.
Christ I need to remember to bring edibles with me when I go to my dads. That would have been so helpful ha.

Anyways...
Time to enjoy some relaxing time at home. Without my dad haha
 
I feel you on the rent TOC. I am flat broke at the moment. I had to bond myself out of jail to the tune of $3000 back in January. I hope the court doesn't sit on my money and gets it back to me before the first of the month before bills become due.
 
Did they get that back to you yet aihfl?

I was a little slow on filing my taxes but I did em last night and filed em this morning. The program I use is cheap and the cra guidelines ambiguous at best... So Im hoping the calculated refund matches what Im actually entitled to.. We shall see.
Either way, I wont have money in hand for tomorrow and Ill still be short after payday at the end of week. But knowing taxes are coming is a relief.

So is knowing work *should* be sustainable next month for rent/eating/insurance and gas for all the damn driving I do ...
Paying off my debts though ... Cringe... and thatll make 3 months im in arrears now ... eek
And I wanted to be an accountant ha (tbf I can calculate my finances, I just dont care anymore haha... living first, debts later)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top