Well ... well ?
For starters Ive been perpetually stoned since friday after work. I snagged a bit to quell some of my urge to drink ... its helpful and all but ...
Smoking does not seem to have the same positive benefits that eating it does for me. A high dose of edibles quenches my desire to drink for days, if not longer, and very rarely am I compelled to redose edibles the next day. Smoking? Forget it, Ill smoke all day if I start in the morning and once I come down Im back to craving all over again. In part I find the compulsion of constantly redosing to achieve the same level of stonedness addictive. And this addictive aspect has very little positive effects on my addiction to drinking. In fact it sorta seems to exasperate my cravings at times.
So why was I smoking constantly?
Well moms death-a-versary was on thursday. So that was stressful.
My Dad called to tell me he was "fine.. not to worry".. and to ask how I was. But how he worded it ... seemed like a cry for attention.
As much as Im learning to forgive him for the years of torment he put as all through... When he pulls shit like this, this whole "I miss her too" "You know I loved her too", its fucking infuriating. Then why didnt you act like it when we were growing up, hell even after we were outta the house? Why didnt you go to visit her when she was sick? .... But I say nothing to that effect because perhaps in some weird way he can justify his in/actions and who am I to judge.
...
And work hasnt been picking up as I had hoped. I had made an agreement with my friend that anything about 20 hours / week I could have because thats what she needs right now to contribute to her family. Which sounds fair and sustainable. But I didnt realize she was below that with her current client base. So Ive brought in some new clients but they only put us just over 20 hours. And this week someone cancelled, dropping us to exactly 20, so I dont get paid. So I said fuck it and took today off
So I was stressing about that yesterday and given today off all I wanted to do was drink. So instead?
I laid on the couch and cuddled with the cat haha ... when I first moved in I found him way too needy. But often times when Im down now I go looking for him.
All I wanted was to make it through the night without drinking. I succeeded.
But this morning there it was again. Staring me in the face. No not the cat. My urge to drink. To escape this anxiety.
I have identified numerous ways to deal, including but not limited to
-finding a part time/temp job in the meantime until things pick up. But I look at the job titles for these sorts of jobs and im immediately engulfed in dread. I had to close my computer.
- say fuck it, hope for the best and potentially have to ask family for help (god no, anything but that. why am I so against asking them for help??)
- start putting my money where my mouth is and turn these hobbies into revenue streams like I keep saying.
Well given the extreme feelings I encounter when job searching Im currently on option 3. Perhaps with a dash of asking for help.
So Ive been reading. Experimenting. Doing (with a dash of lazy self loathing thrown in for good measure).
My batch of kombucha was a bust and I was pissed. $50 bucks. Gone. (Compared to all the money I spent on drinking thats nothing though haha)
But it wasnt so much the money but the fact that I cant brew it at my house as we dont have a sink in the basement. So Im brewing it at a friends.
He had his undies in a bunch to get started but I knew Id be away. So he volunteered to bottle it if I wasnt around.
Lo and behold, times comes and he doesnt do it. Then he cant figure out why it tastes like sour shit.
(Its a live culture and will continue to grow until bottled and put in the fridge).
So now not only can I not sell any but I have to drink this soury tart nastiness (or just throw it out but ........ Im cheap and broke so haha)
BAH!
My chocolates are still in the making. I cant get them to set. But I just keep making small test batches.
At the worst I have to throw em in the fridge/freezer so the bottom portion will harden.
At least it still tastes better than the kombucha haha ... fuck
And finally I innoculated some grains with some reishi cultures from agar dishes (that same) friend had. No signs of growth yet but I look forward to growing other gourmet species as well.
And to wrap up this front ..
A friend looked into having a booth at the local farmers market.
Its quite cheap ($30/week) with very few barriers to entry.
I feel like that itll be very doable. And given it runs again in the warmer months it should give us some time to get all the kinks sorted out and a small stock built up.
TL;DR - Ive been craving a lot these past few days as Ive been stressed about work and Moms loss. However Ive been keeping busy with hobbies and freinds. And although most of my healthy routine has since evaporated my diet has been decent. All of which helps immensely.
Until next time
