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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

I lost everything, and I'm going to end up dead.

Why aren't you trying methadone? If you can afford bundles you can afford mmt. At this point there's no excuse... you've had several rock bottom eye opening experiences that should have knocked some sense into you to atleast try mmt. It's not like you will have to suffer. While stabilizing most people use a tiny bit "I repeat tiny bit" at night to get through until the next day. I had a pretty hefty habit of a brick every 2-3 days. If I could do it, you can do it!
 
w0w: If you get a chance, could you please check in? I am praying for you.
 
Hello everyone, thank you all so much for all the support.
It really means a lot to me, and every single post from you all help so much.

Just an update:
I am still staying at a hotel and I'm quickly draining my entire savings.
I have been IVing up to 4 bundles a day of heroin and spending at least $400.00 a day (not including hotel room costs).

I was suppose to go to court today (Monday) for my first appearance probation violation hearing for non-payments
but I told my PO that I was still in the hospital.
Unfortunately she attempted to call the local hospital to verify me being there,
I told her that they transferred me to the hospital in Wilmington, which was another lie.

As soon as I told her that, I instantly knew she was going to attempt to call that one too.
I called her back and told her the truth, that I had gotten out a couple of days ago and I've been evicted
from my apartment and was staying at a hotel.
She was still kind enough to get my court date moved until October 3rd (one week from now).
Now, she want's paper work from the hospital showing her that I was in fact in the hospital for a while due to my heart.
I am scared though that when I get a copy of the paper-work, that they're going to say it was Heroin related, which would screw me for sure.

If she found out I relapsed then I will for sure be going to jail on new violations,
I am going to have to detox cold-turkey here by tomorrow so I do not fail my drug test.
I am so scared that I'm not going to be able to do it due to the fact I still have some money and
the withdrawals from this fentanyl-laced heroin is complete HELL due to the amount I have been IVing.

My family still won't talk to me, and I just feel so lonely.
I'm going to be out of money here very soon which will make me completely homeless.
I'm so stressed out and depressed. Everyday has been getting worse and worse.

Please keep posting here and checking in on me and share your advice, suggestions and support.
I love you all so much and I consider you all my only family.

Much love.
 
I'm sure this isn't what you want to hear but I think you're delaying the inevitable. You're not going to get around your hospital stay. Sometimes things happen for a reason. Although wding in jail will totally suck, it just might save your life. It will force you into getting clean. You haven't been able to do it on your own. Perhaps it's time to just tell the truth and get it over with. You really dont have much further to fall so don't make it 6 feet under. This too shall pass.
 
dude get on methadone what the fuck are you doing. Just get on methadone man. Srsly please bro. Ignore my username its irony lol.
 
Man, it sucks, that one can go to jail, just because one is currently addicted to a substance, that once was legal and promoted by big corporations, but outlawed later because it is not controllable in the long term. In Portugal every drug addict is just that : a person with a disorder, that needs special treatment. No addict will go to jail there. Very progressive.

Cannot you get on Methadone ?

Moreover I still don't understand your family. They must either be apathetic or too distracted in their every day lives, so that they do not have the motivation to help their own child out of the misery, it is currently lost in.

But what happens, if you go to jail. Don't you get a special medical treatment for your condition there ? Maybe they by law first have to provide you with a non-threatening type of recovery therapy before they let you start your jail time. I dunno the laws in your region, unfortunately.
 
Im not gonna lie. Shit has been sucking for me too. Although i am technically clean, i suffer from a myriad of psychosocial problems. It is amazing that i make it through day by day. Although i am sort of okay, my life is sort of sucking ass right now. There is so much shit to do just to keep life as it is. Yes, for the privilage of life, it costs 1 grand a month at the bare minimum and there is 50 years of this stupid shit which is 50 x 12 = 600 months x $1000 = $600,000 just to stay alive. You're not doing so well, but its not completely your fault because life is already horrible, so i really have no right to judge no one. What i will say is that i hope this shit will eventually come to an end. I am rooting for the atheist/agnostic cause because the central tenet is that we are all equal at death
 
When I was in the process of losing "everything" I initially was so upset.. Then something weird happened and I suddenly could not get rid of most of that shit fast enough.

I guess "sometimes we get shown the light in the strangest of places if we look at it right."

Turn around and start swimming down stream. I think you may like where you end up op
 
And i also want to add something and that is, if you plan on getting well, don't dig yourself a bigger ditch that you will have to climb out of later because that seems like what you are doing. Choose the path of least resistance that will ensure your success and happiness.
 
You cant live off $1000/month. That is an underestimate. But thatis the point i am making. Life is worse than you think!!
 
deadendgame said:
You cant live off $1000/month. That is an underestimate. But thatis the point i am making. Life is worse than you think!!
Click to expand...
Tell me about it. I live a lower middle class life with two kids. I'm pulling in an OK wage, works out to just over £2k a month. I don't spend anything much at all on myself, drive a dilapidated crappy old Ford. And its TOUGH! Well over £1000 goes on rent and utility bills, £500 for tax. And the remaining £500 has to cover fuel, food, kids and the unexpected crap. Wasn't expecting life to be so tough financially at this point in my life, and I'm one of the lucky ones.
 
Damn dude I am sorry to hear things are so bad. I was recently in the hospital due to benzo withdrawal and having a seizure so I can kind of relate to that special hell. I think you have limited options honestly. I know that methadone has worked well for getting me off heroin even if it hasn't stopped me from using other drugs. So you can go that route or you go to the hospital and tell them your suicidal which isn't a lie I don't think as your current course is going to lead to death. The hospital will have social workers who can talk to the courts and arrange a plan to get you inpatient treatment even if your broke like me. The final option is to do nothing and go to jail or die. I hate to be blunt but your obviously wreckless as fuck when it comes to the needle and dope. Statistically not many people recover from the situation your in especially if you've burned all the bridges with family.

I will never judge your decision because ive been far enough down this road to get a feeling for where you are. The endocarditis is an immediate danger to your life. Do you fully understand that? You have damaged one of your most vital organs. Your literally dying. Have you not had enough? Ive watched your posts for what a year now as things have gotten gradually worse. Your a smart guy and you give other people good advice on here. Your at the point of no return I suggest you give yourself some empathy and check into the phych ward.
 
Another horrible update:

I am still living in a hotel.
I have been shooting about 3 to 4 bundles (30-40 bags) a day.
I almost broke now, burning thru well over $4,000 in about a little over one week.

I have pretty much given up on everything, including life.
I don't care if I overdose or not.
I have a drug test coming up for probation which I'm going to fail and add another violation.
Court is coming up this Monday.
I keep trying to stop but the withdrawal from fentanyl+heroin is just too much to do without an inpatient.
I can't even go to an inpatient because I can not reschedule my court date again.
This is too much to bare.

At this point, I would get back on Methadone,
it's just that I was on it for 2 years and it was just horrible to be on and to get off of.

When I withdrawal money (at least $500 a day) I don't even look at my balance because I'm too scared to look at it.
I know it's going to hit 0 here very soon. I am going to be living on the streets here very very soon.
Honestly, I think my only option is to go to jail and do my 18 months.
Well, my life is fucked to hell. Stuck in this vicious cycle of heroin addiction.
NA/AA didn't work for me nor does therapy/out-patient.
Nothing ever seems to work for me.
Even if I got on methadone or suboxone, I would just use another substance to get high from.
I have tried to change my people, places, and things. that obviously doesn't work.
My family won't talk to me, so I couldn't even start over and try to live with them.
I know if I end up in a homeless shelter, I would for sure end up breaking the law to support my heroin habit.
You have all seen my journey and it has not been a very good one.
I let all of you down, and myself.
What makes it worse is that my ex-girlfriend would text me saying how much she misses me and keeps asking why
I ruined such a good thing and chose heroin over her.
I tried to explain how complicated it was, but she doesn't understand, she didn't do drugs.
Since I overdosed at the apartment complex office, they had informed her parents because it caused her to get evicted and
informed them the reason. My ex-girlfriend told me that we couldn't get back together anyways because she doesn't want to break her mothers heart.

Yeah, so it's pretty bad right now.
I feel hopeless and completely dead inside.
 
w0w: Thank you for checking in and letting us know you are hanging on... can I ask: are you reading our posts??? We have some good advice for you... ,like going back to the hospital and getting help from the social worker there; or what cj just wrote: go back to the hospital and tell them you are suicidal, which your actions are indicating you are... they will take you in and then the social worker will find inpatient resources for your drug problem... there are other good words here, written by people who care about you....

Please take care of yourself w0w... there is no one else who can do it for you.. you gotta take the first step yourself....but, we are with you spiritually ....
 
w0w0mg said:
Another horrible update:

I am still living in a hotel.
I have been shooting about 3 to 4 bundles (30-40 bags) a day.
I almost broke now, burning thru well over $4,000 in about a little over one week.

I have pretty much given up on everything, including life.
I don't care if I overdose or not.
I have a drug test coming up for probation which I'm going to fail and add another violation.
Court is coming up this Monday.
I keep trying to stop but the withdrawal from fentanyl+heroin is just too much to do without an inpatient.
I can't even go to an inpatient because I can not reschedule my court date again.
This is too much to bare.

At this point, I would get back on Methadone,
it's just that I was on it for 2 years and it was just horrible to be on and to get off of.

When I withdrawal money (at least $500 a day) I don't even look at my balance because I'm too scared to look at it.
I know it's going to hit 0 here very soon. I am going to be living on the streets here very very soon.
Honestly, I think my only option is to go to jail and do my 18 months.
Well, my life is fucked to hell. Stuck in this vicious cycle of heroin addiction.
NA/AA didn't work for me nor does therapy/out-patient.
Nothing ever seems to work for me.
Even if I got on methadone or suboxone, I would just use another substance to get high from.
I have tried to change my people, places, and things. that obviously doesn't work.
My family won't talk to me, so I couldn't even start over and try to live with them.
I know if I end up in a homeless shelter, I would for sure end up breaking the law to support my heroin habit.
You have all seen my journey and it has not been a very good one.
I let all of you down, and myself.
What makes it worse is that my ex-girlfriend would text me saying how much she misses me and keeps asking why
I ruined such a good thing and chose heroin over her.
I tried to explain how complicated it was, but she doesn't understand, she didn't do drugs.
Since I overdosed at the apartment complex office, they had informed her parents because it caused her to get evicted and
informed them the reason. My ex-girlfriend told me that we couldn't get back together anyways because she doesn't want to break her mothers heart.

Yeah, so it's pretty bad right now.
I feel hopeless and completely dead inside.
Click to expand...
Forget about your ex, she left you when you are at your worst. Or maybe she wants you to hit rock bottom and this is the only way.
 
w0w0mg said:
Another horrible update:

I am still living in a hotel.
I have been shooting about 3 to 4 bundles (30-40 bags) a day.
I almost broke now, burning thru well over $4,000 in about a little over one week.

I have pretty much given up on everything, including life.
I don't care if I overdose or not.
I have a drug test coming up for probation which I'm going to fail and add another violation.
Court is coming up this Monday.
I keep trying to stop but the withdrawal from fentanyl+heroin is just too much to do without an inpatient.
I can't even go to an inpatient because I can not reschedule my court date again.
This is too much to bare.

At this point, I would get back on Methadone,
it's just that I was on it for 2 years and it was just horrible to be on and to get off of.

When I withdrawal money (at least $500 a day) I don't even look at my balance because I'm too scared to look at it.
I know it's going to hit 0 here very soon. I am going to be living on the streets here very very soon.
Honestly, I think my only option is to go to jail and do my 18 months.
Well, my life is fucked to hell. Stuck in this vicious cycle of heroin addiction.
NA/AA didn't work for me nor does therapy/out-patient.
Nothing ever seems to work for me.
Even if I got on methadone or suboxone, I would just use another substance to get high from.
I have tried to change my people, places, and things. that obviously doesn't work.
My family won't talk to me, so I couldn't even start over and try to live with them.
I know if I end up in a homeless shelter, I would for sure end up breaking the law to support my heroin habit.
You have all seen my journey and it has not been a very good one.
I let all of you down, and myself.
What makes it worse is that my ex-girlfriend would text me saying how much she misses me and keeps asking why
I ruined such a good thing and chose heroin over her.
I tried to explain how complicated it was, but she doesn't understand, she didn't do drugs.
Since I overdosed at the apartment complex office, they had informed her parents because it caused her to get evicted and
informed them the reason. My ex-girlfriend told me that we couldn't get back together anyways because she doesn't want to break her mothers heart.

Yeah, so it's pretty bad right now.
I feel hopeless and completely dead inside.
Click to expand...


I'm sooo glad to see your post - I have been concerned for you. I want you to know that you haven't let any of us down - we are concerned for you, but you have not disappointed in you so please don't think that way. Most of us get it, and know how hard it can be to break that cycle. The important thing is that you are still around.

Jail may not be the worst option for you. I understand it's not preferable, but it will be a roof over your head, food, and hopefully an opportunity to get clean. Who knows, this may turn your life around. Honestly, I feel a little better knowing that is in your near future because I think it's a better situation than the spiral you are stuck in, though ideally you wouldn't be going through any of this. Please don't take it the wrong way.

Regarding your girlfriend, try not to think about her. You're not healthy enough for a relationship right now. Appreciate the good times you he and move on - no harm no foul. If her texts are bringing you down block her number, you don't need anymore negativity.

Yes, we have seen your journey and we have seen you fight like no other for your health. I realize you are at a low point, but I have no doubt you will overcome this insidious addiction. You truly want it, and you have worked your ass off continuously to try for it, I know one day it will happen for you, even if you don't see it. I fought a good fight for years, I know how discouraging it can be but I also know how rewarding it is to be on the other side. It takes determination, stamina, and dedication and you have all three. You are one of the strongest people I have known, and I know you will make it through this.

Please keep us updated!
 
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