Another horrible update:
I am still living in a hotel.
I have been shooting about 3 to 4 bundles (30-40 bags) a day.
I almost broke now, burning thru well over $4,000 in about a little over one week.
I have pretty much given up on everything, including life.
I don't care if I overdose or not.
I have a drug test coming up for probation which I'm going to fail and add another violation.
Court is coming up this Monday.
I keep trying to stop but the withdrawal from fentanyl+heroin is just too much to do without an inpatient.
I can't even go to an inpatient because I can not reschedule my court date again.
This is too much to bare.
At this point, I would get back on Methadone,
it's just that I was on it for 2 years and it was just horrible to be on and to get off of.
When I withdrawal money (at least $500 a day) I don't even look at my balance because I'm too scared to look at it.
I know it's going to hit 0 here very soon. I am going to be living on the streets here very very soon.
Honestly, I think my only option is to go to jail and do my 18 months.
Well, my life is fucked to hell. Stuck in this vicious cycle of heroin addiction.
NA/AA didn't work for me nor does therapy/out-patient.
Nothing ever seems to work for me.
Even if I got on methadone or suboxone, I would just use another substance to get high from.
I have tried to change my people, places, and things. that obviously doesn't work.
My family won't talk to me, so I couldn't even start over and try to live with them.
I know if I end up in a homeless shelter, I would for sure end up breaking the law to support my heroin habit.
You have all seen my journey and it has not been a very good one.
I let all of you down, and myself.
What makes it worse is that my ex-girlfriend would text me saying how much she misses me and keeps asking why
I ruined such a good thing and chose heroin over her.
I tried to explain how complicated it was, but she doesn't understand, she didn't do drugs.
Since I overdosed at the apartment complex office, they had informed her parents because it caused her to get evicted and
informed them the reason. My ex-girlfriend told me that we couldn't get back together anyways because she doesn't want to break her mothers heart.
Yeah, so it's pretty bad right now.
I feel hopeless and completely dead inside.