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Recovery Road to Recovery

MR that is fucking AWESOME! You live such a badass life my friend :) I'll keep my fingers cross you get to keep the rights to the English version so you can share it with us! But regardless, very, very cool stuff. Great work you are doing.
 
Simco, depends on the publisher. Yellow press seems to exaggerate everything but most "real" magazines focus on harm reduction and see addicts as patients and addiction as a disease instead of focusing on how bad people addicts are and how they have caused their shitty life themselves.

Now I am working with a project that tries to give ORT patients more hold of their own treatment and gives all kind of rehabilititation such as rehabilitating work experimentation and a possibilities to try what school might be good for one.
 
MrRoot said:
Simco, depends on the publisher. Yellow press seems to exaggerate everything but most "real" magazines focus on harm reduction and see addicts as patients and addiction as a disease instead of focusing on how bad people addicts are and how they have caused their shitty life themselves.

Now I am working with a project that tries to give ORT patients more hold of their own treatment and gives all kind of rehabilititation such as rehabilitating work experimentation and a possibilities to try what school might be good for one.
Click to expand...

These all sounds like awesome projects. As TPD said, if you ever wind up with an English version of some of your writing, we'd love to read it!
 
Well I think its time for me to shout out something to you all lovely people as I haven't been here lately and I hope that those who remember me haven't been worrying too much about me.

I try to be honest and I'll start saying that a lot has beeen happening in my life lately.

It all started from a one single night when I couldn't sleep and took a clonazepam pill that has been sitting on my desk for over six months. I won't lie that it didn't feel good as I haven't been using benzos for a long time and it worked for me to get sleep.

I didn't other much about it but as my urine analysis was coming I just wanted to be sure it won't show up on the test results so I did something about it but I won't tell about those methods as I am quite sure it is against the rules. Everything seemed to be fine about the UA as they told me week after that it was negative.

Anyhow I was getting a real depressed mood about everything and I wen't back to my normal depressive behavior and I am sure that a lot of people know anout what it does to a relationships and those who don't know I have to tell that IT *BLEEP* RUINS EVERYTHING.

So there I was in my apartment for few weeks and canceled out everything I had planned and told that I was taking some time on my own. I didn't get out for anything except to get my Suboxone.

So my loved one got tired of myself and told that we need to take a break for awhile. Well it took a week and that break was a final decision.

I don't know the details for a few days after that as it involves a lot of benzos.

Then suddenly I got a message in facebook from a girl whose friend I had met in a rehab about a year ago. Took me for few days to reply to her and we decided to go into a restaurant. It was a wonderful date as we seemed to have a lot in common in our lives and could talk freely about anything and things seemed to go very smooth. I drove her back to her home and I found myself messaging to her while I was driving back to my home and somehow we decided to meet again the next day and also decided to get some MDMA for the night.

Well it went real smooth and we did a lot of talking, hugging cuddling and finally we went into a sauna and talked about our past, the present and what we are planning for the future. I don't know what happened to me in a overnight as I turned from real depressive mood into normal and it couldn't seem anything else than how that girl changed everything. We had a wonderful sex as she was in the mood real fast and everything felt wonderful. We woke up the next day and had some breakfast and talked a lot while doing it. We went back to the bedroom and this time it was even more wonderful than what it was while the MDMA was influencing us.

I don't know how we could be so close to each other and feel a great connection while doing it. If I did something she responded immediately and we could match our movements perfectly in a pleasant harmony that lured us into passionate feelings I haven't ever felt with anyone before and she said the same for me and I could feel that she really meant it.

I went to my home and I found that I was going back to her as I had grabbed some stuff from my home that I need daily. From the day that we went first to her house I have been there every night and day except for the times I have had to go to get my Suboxone or go into meetings about ORT treatment planning and about the support group for people in ORT in my area that I am going to open soon.

We did some MDMA nearly every week once or twice in a week and had some amphetamine, benzos etc. for few weeks. I didn't care about UA anymore as the test which I had tried to cover up so the clonazepam won't show up had been taken into GC/MS test since the creatine levels were quite low and they suspected I had tried to do something about the test but that GC/MS test did take some time to be done. So I lost my rights to take my Suboxone home for three weeks and I had to meet them daily and take my dose under surveillance.

I just didn't care about it as my life quality had improved a lot since I was able to get things done and function normally. Everyone whom I had met before said that I was doing a lot better than before. Even my psychiatrist said that I am in a state in which I could take the tests which I need for the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (SCID-II and so e other tests). So I pend some time with the psychiatrist taking the test and it was mentally quite hard for me as it involves a lot of stuff about answering bad memories from the past etc. and I needed to take benzos afterwards. For the hardest part I did some amphetamine before going to the appointment and while we had a break (4 hours of psychological review for a day is really hard) I did some more in the toilet.

Well there I was suddenly in a middle of a relationship and doing some hard stuff with my mind while trying to get some other stuff done, such as planning the course for people who want to tell about their experiences with mental illness or drug using.

What woke me up was that one saturday I asked that girl to shoot some amphetamine into me as I wanted to feel the rush that people say it gives when using IV. She has a quite colourful past which involves a lot of hard drugs and she is in ORT too and has been for two years and she is IV user.

The day after I decided that it was too much and I really wan't to get rid of all the drugs in my life. Soon we found out that we both wanted it and we had a really long discussion about quitting everything else than Suboxone and prescribed drugs immediately.

It went wuite well for a few but after that our relationship started to degrade. While using we had both had energy to do the stuff needed to keep the house clean and do the stiff we need to do. We had some arguments before of course but could have always got discussed everything afterwards (and often had some really pleasent sex after the argument).

It has been now two weeks when I last used anything not prescribed for me and I think she hasn't used either as we spend most of the time together and I haven't found anything that gives out some red flags about use.

Well it is nice that we don't use non prescribed drugs anymore but we have nearly every day a huge arguments which can even end up on her breaking stuff in her apartment. There is a huge hole in the door of the bathroom for example (which I have fixed twice but now the door needs to be replaced) a lot of glasses, mugs etc. has been broken in the pieces.

When I see my daugter once in a week in my own house I got a lot of text messages from her about her wanting to quit our relationship and how she isn't interested anymore but in the next day everything changes and we see each other again and make up for what we had argued for.

I don't know anymore what I want.

I am in a fucking mess right now and I don't know how long I can handle this situation although from the outside everything seems perfect. I have lost a 14kilograms (30 pounds) of weight during our relationship as I have been eating the right way and done exercising or jogging with her nearly everyday. I look better (or atleast I think so) and I can function daily. Everything seems fine but this uncertainty about how our relationship goes is nagging me inside and while I think she is a wonderful person who looks really nice and I want to be with her hut at the same time I hate her way of arguing and breaking stuff apart while doing it.

What the heck is going on? I feel great at the same time I feel like a piece of shit and this haven't happened to me before.

I think I am in a crisis mode in which I don't know what might happen to me.
 
At the same time I love my life and I hate it. I love her and I hate her at the same time. Is this normal?

I have actually changed a lot in the last two months and I sometimes wonder if I am the same person I was and I hate that I don't know myself anymore.

Even my looks have changed somewhat.

2zfubd1.jpg


Edit:
I also hate that I have done a lot of drugs in the past months while still working to start a support group and attending to a meetings in which we try to develop the way that ORT is going to be within upcoming years as there is a huge healthcare reform going on in our country (the main idea is that everyone will be able to choose their healthcare provider whether it is a public or private as even the private clinics will be covered totally by national healthcare insurance). It seems like I have failed totally as I try to be a supportive member while I have just recently used drugs.
 
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I'm so glad you posted about what's going on. Though of course I'm sorry to hear how rough things got/are.

There's a lot to unpack in your last two posts, but I want to focus on the last thing you wrote...you are *not* failing, you're having normal (though difficult) human struggles. The voice whispering about failure is wrong. You've done a lot of incredible things over the last year+, and a bit of a relapse doesn't undo those. The important part is that you're getting back on track and trying to learn from your recent experience (just look at all the insightful questions you posed to yourself in your posts).

Psych problems can make our perspective so skewed and fucked up. I really feel for you on this one, as I'm in the midst of a gnarly bout of depression. I'm sending you all my best wishes. Things will be better.
<3
Sim
 
Mr Root, you have not failed, are not failing at anything. You are still in the process of defining your relationship with your emotions as well as your relationship with substances. I believe this is a process and not a single event. Still, I recognize what you said about feeling both scared and discouraged and I think those can indeed be motivators to point you in the right direction. Your new partner sounds lovely and just as fragile as you (in her relationship to her emotions/substance use). You have to ask yourself whether your relationship will help or hinder each of your struggles with these issues. Getting angry to the point of breaking things and throwing things around sounds like someone with a lot of pent up rage. Is she working on that? Aware of it? Or simply accepting it as OK?

I know that you write professionally but do you also write for yourself? I think writing as a way to guide yourself into deeper realms of your psyche could be very beneficial to you. Writing that is just for your eyes alone--a space for honesty with no one but yourself.
 
I am sorry for my delayed response and update on my situation.

I have managed to stop messing with substances again and have managed to get back those maximum off-days for my ORT drug so things have gone quite smoothly on the area of substance abuse. I won't lie that I have been completely off from substances but I have just used MDMA twice after the last post.

Things are going quite smooth in my relationship. We have actually even got engaged last thursday and the wedding is next summer.

I am planning to invite all the guys and gals I know in Bluelight for the wedding and try to compensate some costs for the bit expensive flight especially for those that I know can't get much money raised for those kind of expenses. I'll also provide accommodation and Transportation from Helsinki-Vantaa airport to the place where the wedding takes part.

Herbi, thanks for the kinds words and advice. It really meant a lot for me and I saw your post the day you wrote it but was unable to reply as I didn't have much energy back then.

Yeah she knows it is not "normal" to break stuff (often) when getting angry and I know she has a lot of pent up hatred as I said that she has a "colourful" history and haven't attended any therapy or courses for that in the time I wrote that msg.

She is currently on a therapeutical course aimed for females with anger management issues and has started CBT.

As our relationship has become deeper and therefore more stable the intensity and frequency of those fights we have had have gone down a lot.

I have started a secret diary in my iPad to which I write atleast once a day if not often and I am not planning anyone to see it (expect when I die in the distant future).

It has helped a lot to get my thoughts organized and to evaluate my situation and how I react on things and has managed me to change things I find affecting badly on me or to our relationship.

I'll promise to keep checking BL much often now and look forward to be able to try help others too with my comments.

Thank you all fellow bluelighters.
 
That's fantastic about your relationship and the marriage plans. Congratulations, MrRoot <3
 
Agreed, this is great to hear MR! So glad to hear you're doing well. I'm so down to visit you for your wedding next summer, I'll start saving now. I've always wanted to visit your homeland, not to mention see it during the summer ;)
 
Hi both my friends!

Thank you simco. Howare you doing!

TPD, this summer has been weird when it comes to weather. Much colder than normally and only few really sunny and warm days but still not too bad. Whole summer started about month later than normally and seems to last atleast a month longer too.

I have went swimming only twice this summer as the water has been too cold for my tastes but atleast you can get some tan just by laying in the sun.

We got fined for skinnydipping at the night on the local beach which was quite hilarious actually as there weren't anyone else except us and the police that was doing their patrol.
 
How cold do you mean when you say too cold for your taste? I used to enjoy swimming in Maine during the spring, summer and fall, and the water can get pretty cold up there too.
 
Hi again everyone and sorry for delayed response and update.

TPD, I mean like it has been atleast 10 degrees celsius lower last month and last two mornings I had to scrape off ice from my car's windshield. That should become at the end of the next month normally which is weird. Also water is now so cold that I wouldn't want to even dip my toes into it. But that might be because I have bad blood circulation in extremities because of smoking and opiates also alter your temperature regulation system.

I have currently stayed out of any extra drugs except what dr. Prescribes.

We are going to 90+ day extensive rehab for not active users at the fall or winter with my fiancee depending how fast those boards will admit to pay our stay there.

Everything is quite fine. We both attend DBT classes and counseling and it has helped a lot.

I've quit suboxone 2 weeks ago since I had to switch into oxycodone again as one of my vertebra must be replaced into titanium one and also to be screwed into nearest vertebraes. So atleast I can get better as ENMG test showed just pressure on the nerve but no final damage. But it is still going to be a huge surgery and takes three months to get really well.

That is all for a while. Wish you luck people.
DBT is so intensive that I can't even thinking about checking bluelight daily, but maube when it is over.
 
DBT is great, I'm glad you're still doing so well! You've put so much effort into this MR. Effort, and resiliency, are definitely some of the few things that guarantee success sooner or later. But like I said, I'm glad to hear you sound like you're doing well.

I'm sorry to hear about your need for surgery. That sounds like a huge pain, but hopefully it will improve your health long term. How do you feel about having to maintain on oxycodone?

Are you still planning on getting hitched with your better half spring '18?
 
Yeah of course we are going to get married next year and every bluelight can come if they wish and I'll cover all the expenses here and atleast if not all but atleast some expenses for flight tickets for those who can't afford those themselves.
 
TPD, this current dose of oxycodone is a bit too low I'll manage with the help of Lyrica.
 
Had some fun last night in a night club. Funny thing that the club is called Apteekkari, meaning Pharmacist, but no other drug than alcohol and nicotine was enjoyed (atleast) by us two :)

fxth0i.jpg


I really still don't understand how my fiancee is so gorgeus and good looking and it is even over half a year when we started seeing each other and pretty much ASAP moved in each other's houses unofficially together spending nearly every day and night together so it can't be just the quick crush that affects my vision :)

She is also a very lively person with a great hard although she has some minor edges on her personality (as we all do) but we understand and tolerate each other's flaws perfectly and are actively both working on some issues we have.

Also she has a great sense of humor and likes to tell and hear same kind of black humor jokes and can make fun out of himself too just like I happen to.

We have started to complement the sentences of our's which some people seems to get irritated sometimes. She gets very well along with my daughter and my daughter adores her and calls her a real princess and that daddy must be then going to be a real prince when we get married.

She cooks very well and bakes also wonderfull stuff and still makes them healthy.

Although she is like a princess she doesn't get shy around cars that must be fixed and is always offering help to me if I need just like I do for her.

A perfect woman for me really.
 
Thx. Yea we make a good team.
We went to Estonia last weekend for some holiday (and everything is cheaper there).
svgpkw.jpg
 
How is everyone doing?

I have had some time consuming stuff to do as we are moving into bigger apartment in Kuopio City and I have at the same time been involved with patient support group for opioid maintenance as well as well as taking part to experience expert schooling and I had also a panel discussion about peer support (and I managed to slip rainbow of harm reduction in :) ) in a local university.

Still being clean without any extra use but I have jumped from Suboxone to Targin (oxycodone+naloxene) as I have an another back surgery coming next spring and they are about to change one vertebra into titanic one and then lock it in to nearest vertebrae.

Sadly Targin(iq) isn’t covered by our national healthcare so I pay normal proce without any reductions and it doesn’t add to the margin of that maximum amount people pay for drugs per year. A month of Targiniq pays over 250€. Luckily I get enough money to purchase it but I could get something more interesting stuff than necessary drugs with that amount.
 
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