I'm alive despite rumors to the contrary ;)

[cj]

Well it all started last weekend my parents decided to split up in a very dramatic way that nearly cost my mom her job because he is a selfish egotistical prick. But I love him go figure. So I ate 30 gabapentin n a thread detailed in OD if you feel like gawking. Anyway after that I started eating mass amounts of rc benzos and was blacked out for a few days. Thankfully nothing other than pissed off parents and some broken dishes happened. However it allowed my parents to focus there anger back on me instead of each other. See when I was clean and doing well the dynamics in öur family started to change since I wasn't being a selfish fuck up anymore.

Once those family roles changed back to the old ways they "talked" and there relationship is perfect again 8(. So I've decided to leave. I talked to a methadone clinic in Portland Oregon today and it looks like I can free or heavily discounted methadone within a month of living there. It'll be 12 dollars a day the first month but I can hustle that up. But anyway I feel like this is the first real decision I've made that I am really happy about. I love big cities and i know it's going to be the adventure of a life time. I am also hopeful by not involving my mom in this I am taking the first step towards breaking or codependency. She is going to cry, scream, call me names but in the end I am going to prove to everyone that I can survive on my own or die trying.

I figure worst case I end up strung out up there and sucking dick for dope money. Shrugs that doesn't even sound that bad honestly. Maybe that's the sexual abuse talking.


Far as stepping down as mod. I did it because I have been getting high and it undermines the legitimacy of this forum if a mod is using so openly. I want to publicly thank the mod team and Herbavore for being very kind to me. They do a lot of hard work behind the scenes than no one on the normal board sees. So be nice to them. We left on excellent terms though which means a lot to me.

Anyway that's what's been up with me lately. Oh and if anyone from Portland sees this and doesn't mind I have so many questions to ask.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Ooo that town is fun

I'm sooo fucking glad you're doing alright and moving on with your life cj - a new chapter is always exciting!

The clinic I visited in Portland wasn't so hot, but then again, as far as major city clinics go, it wasn't so horrible either.

Just don't start making it a habit of going down and shooting dope on the train tracks

 

[T. Calderone]

I'm glad you're alright CJ. You have to take care of yourself, first and foremost. Always remember that! I didn't want to step down from TDS but it was just too hard for me. When you move, where will you be staying? I mean, do you have people there? I would hate to see you back on dope. Don't put yourself through that again. The methadone program sounds promising. Let us know how you're doing and you can pm me anytime.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

That's part of the dysfunctional family cycle. A child will resort to using to bring the focus on them, to keep the family together. I think you're going to need to try to distance yourself from your parents for your own psychological well-being. I had to do it, and I'm much better off for having done so.

I've never been to Portland. You're on your own there. Good luck

 

[Moreaux]

Sounds like a good plan CJ! Absolutely agree with CH - you need to focus on you and then set healthy boundaries with your parents when you invite them back into your life. It would be be nice if they could get counseling while your in Portland so they can get healthy too. Addiction breeds such a strange codependent cycle. I wish you the best!

 

[manboychef]

Family roles in dysfunctional families...I was the scapegoat kid. Its amazing that the scapegoat kid generally lives up to the name by acting out. I am glad you are getting out of it. I left my folks house at sixteen because I was sick of living that way.

You have my number. If there is anything I can do to help please call. I understand that using is your choice, but you always have another choice coming just around the corner...I will do anything in my power to support whatever decision you choose.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Ditto! Well said, you choice is your choice, and there is always going to be another one around the corner. I love it, Mr Zage

 

[Jabberwocky]

All the best CJ. It do seem counter productive to be a mod while using but some do, I've noticed a hudge breech in confidently with a mod airing others business, immune to the rules I guess. So good on you for not being like that lol

 

[manboychef]

U should send the mod a PM and voice your concern to them. They may not know they are doing something wrong

 

[cj]

All the best CJ. It do seem counter productive to be a mod while using but some do, I've noticed a hudge breech in confidently with a mod airing others business, immune to the rules I guess. So good on you for not being like that lol

That's really not cool. You should contact the admin for the forum the mod is involved in. I assure you the mods here are not above the rules. I felt like I was forced to follow the rules far more closely as a mod then I ever did as a member and that's how it should be.

That's part of the dysfunctional family cycle. A child will resort to using to bring the focus on them, to keep the family together. I think you're going to need to try to distance yourself from your parents for your own psychological well-being. I had to do it, and I'm much better off for having done so.

I've never been to Portland. You're on your own there. Good luck

This post makes so much since to me me. Moreaux post does as well. Its going to take a fucking lifetime of counseling to sort this out. I wonder if many counselors I saw where unwilling to go there because they knew my rents paid the bill? Cause with as much counseling as I have received I shouldn't be figuring this out on bluelight no matter how excellent I think some of you are at "online counseling"

 

[manboychef]

This post makes so much since to me me. Moreaux post does as well. Its going to take a fucking lifetime of counseling to sort this out. I wonder if many counselors I saw where unwilling to go there because they knew my rents paid the bill? Cause with as much counseling as I have received I shouldn't be figuring this out on bluelight no matter how excellent I think some of you are at "online counseling"

Sometimes you hear what you need from many different sources. I too have been in counseling since I was a sprout and it took finding the right counselor with the right message to actually start healing.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

There's a book called Codependent No More. It might help with insights, cj

 

[w0w0mg]

I love you CJ

 

[manboychef]

There's a book called Codependent No More. It might help with insights, cj

I totally have a copy sitting right here! It is good. Detaching with love is incredible.

Also I have this book called Mending Broken Hearts. It is a collection of ideas that will help you heal. I used those books to deal with not seeing my son.

 

[cj]

Well my mom brought up every conceivable reason why I shouldn't go at lunch today. it basically. Ame down to its not fair for her to have to worry about my well being while I live in a shelter ect. I felt like everything I have been reading about codependency came to life. It made me. Ore determined to get the hell outta here.

 

[DixiChik]

cj...My Southern Brotha...

I'm not so gung-ho on such an extreme move, whether geographically, physically or emotionally. Ultimately, it's your decision, but is there room for compromise?

I, like TCalderone, have questions about your safety and support system? I can't blame your mom for not wanting you in a shelter, either. It just seems rife with the possibility of relapse, especially on the opposite coast.

I don't pretend to have any answers. I DO come from dysfunction, but I have never experienced addiction. What do I know?

I care about you. We all do. (((HUGS)))

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Well my mom brought up every conceivable reason why I shouldn't go at lunch today. it basically. Ame down to its not fair for her to have to worry about my well being while I live in a shelter ect. I felt like everything I have been reading about codependency came to life. It made me. Ore determined to get the hell outta here.

You shouldn't make decisions based on someone else's emotional issues. Do what you know will be best for you. Take your time, of course, but put yourself as #1.

A lot of addicts and people in recovery make the mistake to put others first. That's always the wrong thing to do.

I'm glad you're more determined to get out

 

[closeau]

If I didn't put myself #1 id be under a bridge with a bottle and a needle. Keep it to your heart

 

[cj]

The cherry on top of all this is my rowing dependence to benzos. I can't get out of my own way

 

[MrRoot]

cj, I'll hope everything will work out well in the end for you!

Being in a middle of marital crisis isn't something that helps while battling against addiction so after setting boundaries towards your parents things might start work better.

You are a smart fella and can do this if you get some help and keed your mind set towards good goals.

I too had an black out not while ago after eating bottle of 100 2mg Klonopins within a weekend... I am still apologizing people I offended or caused trouble and harm through social media etc. Luckily I lost my car keys during that as otherwise I might have caused something I couldn't live with or die myself.