My Best Friend Passed Away

[ATLL765]

A little less than three weeks ago, the woman I was completely head over heels in love with and that had quickly become my best friend died far too young, at the age of only 19.

She was a truly wonderful human being that allowed me to experience true happiness in the intense connection we had built together. What we had was very special as it's not often that I feel so strongly about someone and to feel as comfortable and safe in trusting another person is something I've so rarely had in my life, but undoubtedly had with her. Even though our time together was brief and abruptly cut short, she made a great impact on my life that will remain with me forever.

I just wanted to post my final message to her as a way to gain some closure.



To my love Alexis,

I had just been on the phone with you; you said you'd call back that night after work. When you didn't answer my texts telling you that I miss you and how I wished you were here to share the dinner I had made, I thought you were just busy and would call me later as you had promised. I find myself checking my phone, as if I'll finally receive a text from you and everything will be as it was before. A week later and it's still not real to me.

I'll never forget the first time I kissed you, or the smile on your face after I finally dragged you out to dinner on Valentine's day, how stunning you looked in your black dress as we walked along the river in Tempe the night before I left to come home, and the way I felt when you told me you loved me. I'll miss you so very much, but it's not goodbye when you'll always be with me in those memories. Nothing can ever take those moments away from me.

My only hope is that I made it clear to you how special it was for me to have met someone as intelligent and beautiful as you are, that I could be so happy just spending time with you, with whom I could talk for hours about anything and everything, that you not only listened to me go off on tangents, but would enjoy these conversations, always having something to say, no matter the topic, and that in you I had someone I could share my dreams, as well as confide my deepest fears and traumas. None of this was ever lost on me and I cannot overstate how much it all meant. I wouldn't trade our time together for anything and I'd give anything just to have one more minute with you.

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. I love you Alexis and I always will. So it goes.

Forever yours,

Alex
​

Thank you to any of you that took the time to read this and gain a glimpse of the amazing person that she was and will always remain in my heart. I miss this beautiful young woman so much. I hope all of you out there will, if you haven't already, find someone that makes you feel like you are wanted, needed, and loved in the way that I felt with her. This feeling of finding a place where I truly belong and feel at home is what I've searched for my entire life and have unfortunately so rarely found. I just hope that one day I can find someone else that is even half the woman that Alexis is. She was perfection to me.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[ATLL765]

If anyone has any suggestions for how to deal with losing a loved one so unexpectedly, I would appreciate it.

Not long ago I was in a rehab due to my opiate addiction, which is also where I met the wonderful woman that I just lost. It's been very hard to stay away from using again, as I just don't know how to process something like this. She was doing so well and then suffered an aortic aneurysm, so this was completely unexpected. I am having a really hard time dealing with this. I don't have many friends and even fewer that I feel comfortable enough with to discuss my feelings about losing someone so close to me. I've been feeling very isolated and alone lately, which is definitely not beneficial for me.

Writing this letter was helpful to express my feelings about her and as I also like to pretend to be a musician, I've started to write a song. I'm a perfectionist and am always incredibly nervous that I will create something less than and that's why it took me weeks to find the right words for this letter and will probably take me even longer to find the right way to formulate a song that encapsulates the relationship I had with her.

Her family requested that they be allowed to grieve privately, so I've not contacted them since she's passed, but I feel like I need to visit her grave for myself. I'm dreading having to contact her family. Social interaction causes me great anxiety to begin with and in a situation like this, it's even worse. I can barely think about her without bursting into tears, so I just don't know how I'll be able to get through a conversation with someone in her family without sounding like a complete idiot. This is causing me a lot of distress, as I'm almost equally afraid of contacting them as I feel I need to get this information so I can make my peace with her in my own way.

My Mother also has stage 4 lung cancer and recently we got test results prompting the doctors to tell her to get her affairs in order and that it's unlikely she will live much longer. So with losing my best friend and the woman I am in love with and then the prospect of losing my Mother soon as well, it's all been very overwhelming.

Any advice on these things would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Pallyress]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Good job not turning to the opiates. They may dull the pain, but they also provides vents you from processing it in a healing way. It will all still be there when it wears off.

Try to find a way of dealing with your grief in a therapeutic way, there is a lot of information online. I often use guided meditation for grief, trauma relief or just to sleep. Tons of resources on YouTube for free suiting any taste or need, some are even really good.

I find being alone, lights out, in bed, makes me more able to allow the pain to surface. It's not easy, but listening to meditation or music helps me to let my defences down and just feel.

Your pain is real, important and justified. It is a sign of your ability to love and show compassion. It takes a lot of bravery to open up and not fight the pain, but it would help you heal. Grief does not diminish in a linear way, it will be like waves. Allow yourself both moments of joy and deep sorrow, and care for yourself as you care for others.

 

[ATLL765]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Good job not turning to the opiates. They may dull the pain, but they also provides vents you from processing it in a healing way. It will all still be there when it wears off.

Try to find a way of dealing with your grief in a therapeutic way, there is a lot of information online. I often use guided meditation for grief, trauma relief or just to sleep. Tons of resources on YouTube for free suiting any taste or need, some are even really good.

I find being alone, lights out, in bed, makes me more able to allow the pain to surface. It's not easy, but listening to meditation or music helps me to let my defences down and just feel.

Your pain is real, important and justified. It is a sign of your ability to love and show compassion. It takes a lot of bravery to open up and not fight the pain, but it would help you heal. Grief does not diminish in a linear way, it will be like waves. Allow yourself both moments of joy and deep sorrow, and care for yourself as you care for others.

Let me clarify what I meant by "having a hard time staying away". By that I meant that I had been mostly clean, but when I found out that she had passed away, it was too much to handle and I caved. Now, it's only been a couple weeks, so things aren't bad yet and while I'll be sick if I stop immediately, it'll be something that I can handle dealing with on my own still.

It's just so unfair. She had so much going for her. She deserved so much better than this and it kills me to know that she was alone in her final moments. I hope that she didn't suffer very much and was unconscious very quickly. I'd give anything to have been able to comfort her in those last moments. It's double edged sword that I was able to speak to her the day it occurred. I'm glad I got to talk to her, but at the same time I wish I had stayed on the phone with her longer instead of ending the conversation early because it was 6am and I was exhausted from being unable to sleep that night.

I agree that being alone allows me to process things a bit, as I find myself crying uncontrollably, which is something I just can't bring myself to do in front of anyone else. She's one of maybe two or three people that had ever seen me cry.

Like I said, writing this letter helped me process things a bit and I'm doing my best to write a song about the relationship I have with her. It's tough to go about my daily business knowing I'll never see or speak to her again. I feel like it's all pointless. Why bother doing any of the things I love to do when I won't be able to share it with her?

All the things I love doing, I do because I love sharing them with others. I love film because I love to watch them with another person. I love to cook because I love cooking for others and making them happy far more than I enjoy doing it just for my own pleasure. I love to garden because I love the smile I would get from a loved one when I can give them a beautiful bouquet or vase filled with fresh cut flowers not from a florist, but my own garden. These things are for me as well, but so much of my enjoyment in my hobbies is tied into sharing them with those closest to me. My family doesn't appreciate these things and I don't really have any friends, so it's always been something I've done mostly as a way of growing closer to a significant other. Without that in my lfie, I struggle to still find joy in these things.

 

[Pallyress]

I believe your reaction is normal, to a very painful experience of loss.

I also believe that feeling lonely because you don't have anybody to share your interests with is very normal. And yes, it is very painful to feel lonely, and we are all capable to feel lonely in the midst of a crowd. It is important to feel that you are seen and understood buy close ones and friends, these are the relationships worth nurturing.

You are in pain now, but you will heal. Have confidence in that even in your darkest moments. The memories will always be a part of you, both good and bad.

I embrace my own sorrow as a symbol of love. When I watch tomb stones with flowers and signs of up-keep, I do not only see it as a field of loss and pain, but also the wonderful capability humans have to feel love.

It has only been 3 weeks, don't worry if you don't enjoy your usual activities. But allow yourself to forget the grief for a few seconds or a minute. Perhaps you think of something you wish to tell your love, and then with a pang you remember she is gone. It is all very normal.

Try setting an hour of each day where you focus on your grief. Schedule it in your calendar, you may even make a small shrine with a picture, I know it is common in some cultures. Spend this time with the memory, love and grief of your lost love. Allow yourself to let emotions flow. Perhaps have a conversation with them in your mind, or write it down as you did in our post here. Many find relief and processing through writing.

And when you have scheduled this in your day, you also can allow yourself to take breaks from your grief. If a day has been particularly hard, thinking of all that is painful but you cannot solve, allow yourself to clock out for the rest of the evening, or for an hour or two. Tell yourself you are allowed to take an emotional break, and try focusing on something else.

These are just suggestions, for some it may help them get through difficult times. Others find comfort in different practices. Search the web for "coping with grief and loss", there are a lot of resources out there. Cherry pick what might be helpful, find normality in what you go through, and perhaps you will find suggestions that help you at different stages of your grief.

 

[Moreaux]

I am so sorry for your loss!

 

[herbavore]

ATLL, I am so sorry. I recently lost a very good friend suddenly and know the private nature of grief. To lose someone with which you felt such ease of being is indeed an incalculable loss. There is simply no way to encompass such a loss in a short time. The letter you wrote to her shows me that you are on the right path. In your letter you understand what your heart may have difficulty with in the here and now of each day and night: you are grateful to have shared what you did, brief as it was. Gratitude and the knowledge that love endures beyond death can give you moments of peace.

Perhaps you could consider writing to her family to express both how much their daughter meant to you as well as letting them know how much it would mean to you to visit her grave. I know that as a parent, hearing how my late son was loved by others is a comfort to me--perhaps it will be to them.

Again, I am just so sorry. One of the most powerful lessons we can take from the people that truly gave us their love is how to do that for someone else. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are, faults and all. We want it and need it but find it so hard to give to someone else. After my friend died I tried to give more of what he gave me during his life to those in my life still. Alexis sounds like a very remarkable person and it would honor her life to see her not only as someone who loved you but also someone from whom you may continue to learn love.

 

[ATLL765]

I believe your reaction is normal, to a very painful experience of loss.

I also believe that feeling lonely because you don't have anybody to share your interests with is very normal. And yes, it is very painful to feel lonely, and we are all capable to feel lonely in the midst of a crowd. It is important to feel that you are seen and understood buy close ones and friends, these are the relationships worth nurturing.

You are in pain now, but you will heal. Have confidence in that even in your darkest moments. The memories will always be a part of you, both good and bad.

I embrace my own sorrow as a symbol of love. When I watch tomb stones with flowers and signs of up-keep, I do not only see it as a field of loss and pain, but also the wonderful capability humans have to feel love.

It has only been 3 weeks, don't worry if you don't enjoy your usual activities. But allow yourself to forget the grief for a few seconds or a minute. Perhaps you think of something you wish to tell your love, and then with a pang you remember she is gone. It is all very normal.

Try setting an hour of each day where you focus on your grief. Schedule it in your calendar, you may even make a small shrine with a picture, I know it is common in some cultures. Spend this time with the memory, love and grief of your lost love. Allow yourself to let emotions flow. Perhaps have a conversation with them in your mind, or write it down as you did in our post here. Many find relief and processing through writing.

And when you have scheduled this in your day, you also can allow yourself to take breaks from your grief. If a day has been particularly hard, thinking of all that is painful but you cannot solve, allow yourself to clock out for the rest of the evening, or for an hour or two. Tell yourself you are allowed to take an emotional break, and try focusing on something else.

These are just suggestions, for some it may help them get through difficult times. Others find comfort in different practices. Search the web for "coping with grief and loss", there are a lot of resources out there. Cherry pick what might be helpful, find normality in what you go through, and perhaps you will find suggestions that help you at different stages of your grief.

I've been doing something a bit similar to this. As I mentioned earlier, we met in a rehab program and since romantic relationships are frowned upon in that setting, we wrote letters to each other in order to communicate more openly. I obviously saved all those letters. I now keep them at my bedside so I can read them whenever I'd like to. What I'll do is hold them and, while this may seem silly, I'll talk to them as if I'm talking to her.

This being the digital age and all, I don't have any physical photographs of her, but I do have some on my phone that I like to look at. I intend to have them printed so I can frame one to keep next to my bed in addition to the letters. I usually avoid being photographed as if I came from one of those cultures where people believe having your photo taken steals your soul, so I unfortunately don't have many of us together even though I now wish I did have more. I also have a notebook filled with letters I wrote her, but was always too nervous to ever actually send to her. There's really only maybe 3-4 completed letters in the notebook, but every page has been used due to my need to word these letters absolutely perfectly. There's one letter I must have written and re-written at least 30 times in an effort to make sure there weren't any errors and then also to either add or subtract different parts of the letter. I wish I had been confident enough to actually send her those letters that I feel best expressed the way I felt about her and our relationship.

Despite being a through and through atheist and that the idea that I'd have to visit any particular spot to properly honor a person's memory is completely illogical, I have a bit of a soft spot for sentimentality when it comes to relationships. I want to take those letters and bring them to her grave to leave there along with a bouquet of roses from my garden and a copy of Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. Shortly after we met, I let her borrow my copy of that novel since it's my favorite novel. Once she read the novel, we passed it back and forth as a way to hide the passing of letters between us while we were both still in the rehab program. It's also where I got the the last couple lines of the letter in my original post that I wrote to her. I may save the novel to bring there on her 20th birthday next month. I intend to visit her grave often so that maybe I can plant a few low maintenance flowers that I'd be able to keep looking nice enough as a way to still be able to display how much she means to me and for the site to be a proper reflection of how beautiful a person she was. I think that would have been something that she would appreciate. I may not have any faith in a god, but the deep bonds I, however rarely, create with others are something I view as the most important thing I can accomplish in life.

ATLL, I am so sorry. I recently lost a very good friend suddenly and know the private nature of grief. To lose someone with which you felt such ease of being is indeed an incalculable loss. There is simply no way to encompass such a loss in a short time. The letter you wrote to her shows me that you are on the right path. In your letter you understand what your heart may have difficulty with in the here and now of each day and night: you are grateful to have shared what you did, brief as it was. Gratitude and the knowledge that love endures beyond death can give you moments of peace.

Perhaps you could consider writing to her family to express both how much their daughter meant to you as well as letting them know how much it would mean to you to visit her grave. I know that as a parent, hearing how my late son was loved by others is a comfort to me--perhaps it will be to them.

Again, I am just so sorry. One of the most powerful lessons we can take from the people that truly gave us their love is how to do that for someone else. We all want to be loved and accepted for who we are, faults and all. We want it and need it but find it so hard to give to someone else. After my friend died I tried to give more of what he gave me during his life to those in my life still. Alexis sounds like a very remarkable person and it would honor her life to see her not only as someone who loved you but also someone from whom you may continue to learn love.

I don't know about writing a letter to her parents. I know their address since working with real estate has shown that it's easy enough to look those things up via tax records, but I don't want to just show up there and seem like a crazy person. Her cousin posted on facebook that she had passed and what had occurred, although I believe they're hiding some of the details, but that's another issue that's not really my place to get involved with. I may just send her a facebook message explaining who I am and how much Alexis meant to me and how much it would mean to me to be able to visit her grave and honor her memory in my own way.

I should stop posting now though. I've been so stressed and I can't sleep when I'm this stressed out. I've been awake since whenever I got up Saturday morning and it's Tuesday now. I'm starting to struggle with maintaining coherent thought and that's when I know I'm really tired.

 

[Erikmen]

I am sorry for your loss. I hope you sleep soon.

 

[ATLL765]

Thank you to everyone for your condolences. It means quite a lot to me to always know I can turn to the BL family whenever I need a little help.

 

[ATLL765]

Just wanted to post a couple pictures here.

As you can all now see, she was absolutely stunning. I just can't believe that someone as beautiful as she is was taken from this world. All I can try to do to cope is recall how in the novel Slaughterhouse Five, the philosophy of the inhabitants of Tralfamador would say that despite someone having passed, they're never truly gone as the memories you have of them are just as real as anything else. So with that, I know she'll always be with me in those moments, in those memories, and that their beauty and the way I feel in those moments are just as real, just as current as the pain and sorrow I feel over her death. In those moments, everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. That is something that will always be true and can never be taken away from me.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

You letter to her was beautifully written and I'm so sorry for your loss. You seem like a very strong person so I know you'll get through it. It doesn't make any sense... when the world takes the young and beautiful. :/

I can't ever imagine losing my best friend and I'm so sad for you.

 

[ATLL765]

You letter to her was beautifully written and I'm so sorry for your loss. You seem like a very strong person so I know you'll get through it. It doesn't make any sense... when the world takes the young and beautiful. :/

I can't ever imagine losing my best friend and I'm so sad for you.

Thank you. I spent a lot of time trying to find the right words to express the way I felt about her and the way she made me feel about myself. I hope that those words provided even just a small glimpse of the wonderful impact she made on my life and the sheer joy she brought to it for the brief time we were together.

It's truly unfair. There was so much I wanted to do for her. I saw in her my perfect other half. She was all of the good things I saw in myself along with all of the things I wish I could be. She felt like the part of me that I was always missing, the piece of me I needed to feel whole. Not only did I feel she was those things to me, I felt that she was someone that I could really have a positive impact on. I've never felt like I was ever someone that deserved anyone's love, but with her, I felt like I really had the chance to show her how beautiful she truly was. Now I'll never get to tell her again how I felt looking into her eyes or how my heart would always skip a beat when I felt her touch, that when I was away from her, I felt like a part of me was missing and that with her, I felt I was at home.

I wish I was a strong person, but I'm really not. I saw in her everything I had ever wanted in my life. I had wrapped up so much hope in my love for her and the places I thought it would take us to where losing her has stolen the little bit of happiness I thought I had finally carved out in this life.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

I can tell that you loved her and cared about her deeply. It's just unfortunate. Crazy how life can just vanish like that, so quickly. At the end of the day, all we have are photos and memories. My only regret was not taking ENOUGH pictures... and not creating ENOUGH memories. :/ Never seems to be enough, but what can you do but just find peace and be happy with what you have. You feel an emptiness.. that you know you'll never be able to fill... it's just sad. It sucks.

But you are a strong person. By dealing with this. By facing it head on. By talking to people about it. By surviving. You are strong. And I hope you find peace with it... and happiness one day.

 

[ATLL765]

I can tell that you loved her and cared about her deeply. It's just unfortunate. Crazy how life can just vanish like that, so quickly. At the end of the day, all we have are photos and memories. My only regret was not taking ENOUGH pictures... and not creating ENOUGH memories. :/ Never seems to be enough, but what can you do but just find peace and be happy with what you have. You feel an emptiness.. that you know you'll never be able to fill... it's just sad. It sucks.

But you are a strong person. By dealing with this. By facing it head on. By talking to people about it. By surviving. You are strong. And I hope you find peace with it... and happiness one day.

It's just so hard. I can picture her smile, hear her laugh, feel the warmth of her embrace and I can recall how happy those things made me, but now it just makes me want to cry. It's just not fair. I've put myself through so many abusive relationships and then I finally find someone that makes me feel good about myself, that makes me feel wanted, needed, loved and then she's stolen from me.