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Hi guys in crisis kinda

tackyspiral

tackyspiral

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 27, 2006
Messages
2,657
Hey so it's been a very long time since I was last in here! Anyway not doing so great! Recently overdosed after not using hard drugs for years (not that I was really happy leading up to it) and have some minor brain damage that is supposedly getting better.... But I just feel worse every day! Little bit suicidal and feeling trapped and like I have ruined everything - I was in grad school (for counseling ironically) and now I am a ghost of the person I used to be! I have a little boy who just turned 3 and it's really fucking hard - I can't handle him. My family is frustrated I am frustrated and I feel hopeless and scared and overwhelmed!!! All the time! I really hate this area it's horrible and very rural with a real lack of resources (I.e. Rehab counseling etc.) - I am struggling and I do love my son but I would give up parental rights if I could because it's probably best for him anyway.
 
Take a breath ts. <3

Terrible two's only in the threes maybe.. its life not physics right. I have i kiddo that's 11 now. Very cool guy. Your almost getting into a much different situation. We humans come out with such a premature brain that we can be hard to take right.. are you giving yourself time off from the kiddo? If not you have to figure this out.. babysitter once a week at least imo.

Are you using hard shit regularly now ts.. if so and you can't cut it out then either have to take a different approach or seek help. You say your in a rural area where you don't feal has adiquate help. Did you check this out or have you based this off assumption. When we feal hopeless sometimes we are so sure he don't even check out what's up.

If you need to get your shit straight, then I would come clean to those that love you guys and if afforded then take the opportunity to do so.

Please share what your struggling with with more detail as parents may nave some decent advice.

It sounds to me your worn to thin. Can you work a long weekend alone?
 
Other than pot edibles which frankly help a lot I am clean. No hard drugs here although if I had access I would probably be using them I just don't - which ironically is very frustrating as apparently this area has a huge H problem but I went to school and worked at the university and was never ever around it (cold copping is not easy here) anyway not drug seeking but my frustration is part of my issue! It's annoying and drives me crazy... And yah their idea of "treatment" here is AA/NA and counseling - not going the AA/NA route due to edibles and also been there done that and screw that
 
Also I recently stole my boyfriends car and drove it to the rio grande gorge bridge but there were so many tourists I couldn't jump! I thought it would be quiet on a weekday during the school year but I was quite wrong! So I cried and drove home.
 
I am sorry to post so much - but about the kiddo - he is in daycare full time although he has been sick and had to be home more. Anyway I get overwhelmed by him fairly quickly like I don't even feel super comfortable being alone with him it's just tough right now
 
What's the deal though ts .. whats going on that makes you contemplate your own death as a "solution"
 
tacky,

What do you think you need right now? Someone to listen to your problems and attempt to give you practical advice to make things better? Or someone to listen to you emotionally and just be there for you? Ideally both, but if you're suicidal and want things to get better, which is causing you the most pain? Do you want to escape from your emotions/thoughts or from your practical mess?

Send me a PM if you want to chat. I'm not around here much any longer, but I remember you from your good times and don't like seeing this all happening.
 
Oh u know the usual I suppose - but feeling generally overwhelmed confused and hopeless - granted I am cognitively hanging on by a thread (I am completely disoriented and lost if away from my iPhone due to the brain damage or something I don't know)
 
I wouldn't worry so much about any permanent cognitive issues.. other than the ones we were born with.. brain is placid but genetics are harder wired it appears.

Your text communication is superior to mine.?. I suck though so don't get a big head.:)

What are you doing to rehab your brain?

PLease read this book THE BRAIN CAN CHANGE ITSELF.
 
Can't really follow a whole book right now :/ - I get lost if i try to read an article which is too long and I have to leave myself notes and shit to to remember wtf is going on but yah supposedly both my brain and liver will heal
 
Which leads me to my other point - I have hep c and my liver failed so I thought I was entirely fucked but apparently this whole time the hcv has not been affecting me (despite having a detectable viral load (not super high but there) and slightly elevated liver enzymes) I thought I was dying from hcv For the last several years but I guess that's not true
 
You need to work it out like a muscle.. You have a masters degree right. I would start studying something you have little familiarity with. I would take up something that has complex movements you have not done.. tennis, dance a martial art are some possibilities.

I would certanly work out aerobically five times a week. Aerobic exercise regenerates the brain, relieves stress and anxiety and replenishes neurotransmitters.

EDIT: what about the new trillion dollar treatment?
 
Well that's one of the things that was screwing with me - I couldn't get the "cure" because I have public insurance (Medicaid) instead of private - it made me feel like I was unworthy
 
Cheaper to pick up private for a few months then sell your soul to be healed? <3

what do you think about the brain rehab?
 
You can't pick up private if you qualify for public (yah the medical system is flawed here) and um you are probably right I am finally well enough to exercise so I should start again - i miss skiing and mountain biking but those are seen as a privilege and so have been taken away in a sense by my family as they do not want to reward bad behavior and I fucking hate running but I should start just to get moving I guess
 
Right.. If we don't like where we are at have head somewhere else.. all those are great.. please wear a helmet ts. Pick up something things you have never done as well maybe.

Anyone can buy private insurance.. just don't go through the gov sight;) Thats why its for sale.
 
Haha I imagined wearing a helmet while running down a sidewalk :) and you are right I suppose I need to take this as an opportunity to change or reassess my life direction because clearly something wasn't / hasn't been working for quite a while
 
That's it ts..

Na.. but

Ill hit the mountain with you next winter, but only if your sporting brain bucket.. deal?
 
Already have one :) - so I just calculated how long I have been home for after my incident - I can't believe it's been 3 1/2 weeks wow (I think I missed about 10 flights while attempting to make it home - so I should have been home like 4 weeks ago) this is all so surreal - there is no other way to describe it - I am getting better but it's a slow and strange process
 
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