Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time.
But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
George Carlin quotes(funniest man ever)
Here's a few more compliments of George
- You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
- By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
- Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
- I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
- I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
There's more funny shit on this site
http://jamesaquilone.com/101-greatest-george-carlin-quotes/