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Coming off dilaudid

S

silver saucer

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 12, 2013
Messages
18
I've messed around with getting off the dilaudid for a long time. Due to a chronic illness I've had access to over 200 4mg tabs a month. I couldn't handle it. And I was using them for mental pain often rather than physical pain.
I made the big decision to do something about this. I changed countries. I have new docs who will not just prescribe narcotics. I miss where I had been living but I got to the point of couch surfing and not working due to my addiction.
So here I am scared and going cold turkey with impending withdrawal. Im scared but determined to get my life on tract. I am a RN so when I get a job and work I will be able to support myself.
I hope I have made the right decision
I've been in my new life for 2 weeks and I am scared.
Scared of withdrawall and life. But I want to live and live well.
Help!
 
You have absolutely made the right choice! Even if it seems like the wrong one now. An opiate addiction is very hard to sustain...and you've already taken some big steps to identify how you were abusing them (emotion pain vs. physical pain).

It won't be easy but if not now, when? I am a heroin addict and I pussyfooted around with getting clean for almost a year before I finally did and all it did was make me go through half assed withdrawals like fifty times, when I could have been done with it!

Do you have any support system? That can help. I had to do it alone, because at the time I did not want my family to know. But then I relapsed and doing it with full disclosure was actually easier.

If you have time to get yourself set up then do it! Stock up on appropriate food and drink, scour the Opiate Withdrawal Megathread, and get to it. You can totally do it!

I still struggle and have addiction issues, but I will NEVER go through heroin withdrawal again. That's something! Just think about the day you can say that, and how free you will feel! PM me if you need an ear, I know how difficult and lonely it can be. I am rooting for you!!!
 
Thanks dognasher. My supply ran out last night so now I'm scared. Imy doing this alone. Im embarrassed by what I've become, but I can visualize the other side and being ok...at least for a while. Life without options scares me more mentally than physically. I will hit up the megathread. And you may well hear from me in a pm. Thanks.
This board is awesome. And im way old enough to have known better.
 
hey silver! how are you doing? don't be embarrassed. there is so much more to addiction - its not a moral failing, or a weakness. it is important to be accountable but it is by no means the measure of what you are worth. you are more than your past. you can do this! have you thought about getting on some sort of maintenance? i am on suboxone and frankly, it has saved my life. its made me feel like i have options. please let us know how you are doing. i am rooting for you!
 
Hey Dognasher and board. A week ago last Friday was my last dose. I was doing fine but started getting alot of physical pain. I ended up in the ER and got 2mg dilauded i v.

Things were fine until last night. I had extreme restless.body! That sucked
I was.so tired and so frustrated as i thrashed around on the bed. This is new for me. And i thought i was pretty much home free. Im going to try magnesium and loperimide. I hope this helps.
How long will these symptoms last????
 
Hey silver
Great choice you have made that's awesome !! Forgive me if you have already said but how long were you using for? It's going to be uncomfortable for a bit but it's worth it. Keep pushing through!! You might want to read the withdrawal mega thread for comfort meds but the magnesium and lope are a great place to start. Keep us posted. You got this.
 
Hey Sosick
Ive been using pretty regularly for the last 7 years. As much as i love the drugs i went from working full-time and having expendable cash to couch surfing and social assistance. I want more out of life but.... i teally really like my drugs. I cant control my usage so i cant just use a little.
Noone i know in RL knows this
But they suspect. I really want to make it out alive. I have a brother who killed himself with alcohol afer a very successful stint in inpatient rehab. I dont want to repeat that.
I will hit up the megthreads. Psychologically i feel far worse than physically. .except for the restless legs.
I appreciate the advice and support!!
 
Hey Silver
I am so sorry to hear about your brother that is so sad. Do you have a support system at all? I can hear in your words that you are torn between two worlds. I was on OxyContin for just over ten years and quit ct last May. Best thing I ever did for myself. If I can do it so can you !! :)
Keep posting how your feeling and doing.
 
Hey all
Thanks Sosick for replying. No support system. When i was in Canada i went to some cocaine anonymous meetings. I have never used coke. I just liked the people. They were gritty and real. Where I am in small town oregon there is no CA. I guess i can try N A.

I actually feel pretty good. No more RLS. No more abject despondency and depression. Well now just normal depression which i refuse to treat with drugs. And real lonliness and fear.
I also have RL pain...why i was on the narcs to begin with. Im hoping to find a fine line of having some narcs for when the pain is bad and not abusing. Sadly if i get a acript i will use it to chase the high. Or at least the happiness. I dont know how you guys use and keep it in check. Or maybe you dont really keep it in check. Who knows?
So... i guess you all become my sounding board.
Tomorrow night im joining a community choir... yes its truem i figure getting out and meeting people would be a good thing. We will see. I can have great ideas and absolutely no follow through.
Until later!
 
Hey silver
Did you make it out to community choir? Yes you should try some support group na or whatever they have available there. You don't have to go through this alone :)
As far as taking narcs only for pain mmmm think it's next to impossible when one has already had an issue with addiction. For me I have daily pain from breaking my back in an accident years ago but won't touch more than Advil cause I know what just one script would do to me. Hope your hanging in there !!
 
Hi all. I did make it to choir
Im actually proud of myself because i have great ideas but tend to isolate because id rather be mellow on my narcs.
The choir sounded awful but it was the first night
We will break down the parts and get to know the music. One of the pieces is a Requiem amd in Latin
A challenge to be sure.
I feel ok but i really would like to be high. I also dont want to be in pain if my condition flares up. I also lnow i will abuse any pain meds because at this point i want to.
How screwed up is that. In my first post i dont want to use. Now i do
Ha! Welcome to addiction i guess...actually i know im an addict. Im rambling now and not making sense. Looking to the future i dont know how i will ever stay sober. Narcs have been part of my life for so long.
In a very small town
I hate to go to a NA meeting since i will probably run into them.OTOH maybe i should go anyway regardless
This sucks but damn it i do want to make it.
Thanks for listening to my rambling. You are my sounding board.
I go to a pain clinic doc on Wed
Will i turn down narcs from him....that is the question.
 
Silver I am so happy for you! Yay! You are so strong. You should really, REALLY be proud of yourself. What an amazing accomplishment. It will go up and down like that for a while - some days you will literally have to white knuckle it and some days you won't think about it at all. I am pretty early in recovery myself (I am a heroin and cocaine addict and I am now on Suboxone) and most days I am fine, if I exercise and stay busy, but then when stuff gets stressy I get cravings like a mofo.

It's tough. But I try to tell myself to remember that the only way the cravings and the hardship will go away is if I give it time and distance. If I relapse I have to start all over again. It helps me gain perspective.

Hopefully the pain clinic can give you some help based on your condition and past history of addiction. It's up to you to do what you know in your heart is right for you if he offers you meds. You don't ever have to go through another withdrawal. But if something does happen, remember that relapse is pretty normal and you can start again. Is it worth it is the question, I guess.

I know it's an awful struggle and I truly wish you the best of luck!
 
Thanks Dog
Pain clinic on Wed. Will see how it goes. Lots of thinking and soul searching on my part. I really want to be high or nice and mello right now. How the heck do people just play Round with this stuff (or anything) and not get hooked?
 
i don't envy you. I was addicted to this specific drug for years - eventually switched to percocet and norco. it was very hard transitioning from injection to oral use of medication, but i did it.
 
Hi all. Pain clinic was a bust. The one i went to in Canada worked with you where you were at and tried to come up with alternatives. It was at a University hospital and used multiple modalities to help you cope.
This pain clinic was run by a little dictator. It was a four minute appointment. He had no interst in past records since "they didnt know anything" and he did. Uh oh!
He tossed out my documted diagnosis and latched onto my comment that i might have irritable bowel syndrome. (I was thinking hmmmm yeah if i get really upset it Upsets my stomach. This happens a few.times a year. This is not IBS. And for me its absolutely undocumented.
Anyway he latched onto that diagnosis. He then said that we were done and walked out the door. I was in a total state of shock. Mostly of how i was treated. Also now panic has set in
What do I do if i actually need these things for pain, not.just recreation????
LOL the joke is on me!! No more drugs to abuse. This is why I moved here after all but i dont want to actually hurt. Up north i got the pills because i needed them. I just didnt need so many.
So what to do? Ive been considering figuring out how to get them off the street. Thinking, thinking,thinking....mm...no bad idea. Im.sure my first deal would land me in jail or something. It would be like my own private Orange is the New Black television show. A complete disaster. Never.done this, dont know how,dont want to know. Besides i can just see me being interested and moving onto all sorts of things i have never tried.
So im messing around with large.doses of gabapentin until i can get Lyrica. Argh..mmmwhy cant i just go with completely clean.
I maybe should take this to clean living. I want to be on the dark side but cant be. This is where my head is at. I really
need to change my thinking.
The good news is that physically i feel good after not having narcs. Mentally..not so much. But also physically im not having any real pain. Thank God for that!!!
*sigh*
 
Hey silver
Wow sad to hear pain clinics are like that in the states. I'm in Canada too and found pain clinics to be very helpful and willing to assist at what your pain level is. Maybe it's a positive for you though knowing you would abuse a script.? Keep yourself busy !!! Start working full time if you can and don't leave anytime to sit around and think about using. Start trying new things and see if you kind find something you love doing. Maybe working out ? Eventually that craving/wanting will become less and not so front and centre. Hang in there!!
 
I made a similar post coming off the same thing you are. I slipped after 5 days but am trying to get back on track. I hope you are able to find a solution and get to being well.
 
Hey Sosick. I think you are right about the pain clinics having a different philosophy up north. I miss Edmonton. I spent 18 years there. Oh well im down south of the border now in the US. Im going to make my health work, i hope. Im ok physically now but psychologically im kind of a mess. You're right. I would abuse a script. And this is what i wanted. But currently im just freaked out. Its been many years since I've been straight this long
Up north i may have ran out early or gone a couple weeks by choice straight. But... i always knew another script was.forthcoming. That is a totally differnt mindset. Im kind of beside myself right now. I didnt expect this reaction. I guess really i didn't know what to expect. Im kind of freaked and scared.

Rast... i hear you man. Good luck to you too. This isnt easy and really kind of sucks..despite wanting this. Totally screwed thinking i know!!
 
I hear that. I want it bad but then I think that perhaps not that bad if I used after only 5 days. Yeah, talk about screwed thinking.
 
silver saucer said:
I really
need to change my thinking.
Click to expand...

It's the hardest thing in the world to do but the most rewarding thing you will ever do. Go for it and don't look back. Get some books about changing your thoughts (mindfulness, CBT) and if you can afford it find a good therapist that can support you in your attempt to change old thought patterns that keep you stuck in the same loop that always ultimately leads to misery. You are very conscious and honest with yourself in your posts so I know that you can start on this path....it's just the initial fear of trying and committing that seems so daunting at the outset. Once you start to see the path you want to take and begin to put practical strategies into place to keep you on it, things will get so much easier and clearer.<3
 
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