ptsd from shrooms? is this normal?

[camjua]

Years ago, 2008 to be exact, I tried psilocybin mushrooms.. I took a 4th of shrooms.. With people I hardly knew in an unfamiliar environment. I had a horrendously bad trip as you could expect but I was young.. And had no idea what I was doing. I was convinced I was dying. Puking, scared shitless, they told me it would be like "strong weed" which I loved weed... I have scars from where I dug my fingers into my arms and looking back on it.. I wasnt prepared. At all. I didn't know shit about what I was taking.. And the trip was so bad it triggered anxiety disorders for me. I tried to jump from my friends 2nd story window because I was convinced I'd never come back... So I'd rather die by suicide. I also cried for over an hour the next morning when I woke up sober because I was so happy to be sober.

I had to quit smoking weed (since after shrooms I couldn't handle smoking weed anymore because it would give me panic attacks), I became agoraphobic.. Ever since I've struggled with drugs..I've done tons of drugs.. Benzos, heroin, meth, coke, crack, anything you can imagine.. Became promiscuous.. Etc. All attempts to quell anxiety. Tried shrooms and other psychedelics again hoping I'd be able to enjoy them or reverse the damage from the bad trip... With no success. Every psychedelic I've tried (2ci, shrooms, ketamine, dxm, PCP, LSD, salvia and mescaline) I've hated all of them.. Always a panic attack for me.. They all seemed to make my problems worse.. I ended up developing BPD.. Becoming a meth addict, coke fiend, alcoholic, oxycodone addict lol.. I've been it all in an attempt to quell the anxiety triggered by shrooms. Sucks ass.

Before shrooms all i did was smoke weed. I was content just smoking weed the rest of my life.. I had no desire to try other drugs. Loved weed. Didn't even drink. Now I can only smoke a tiny bit because it usually triggers panic attacks at higher doses.. Before shrooms I didn't know what anxiety was. I never suffered from depression, was a happy person.. Just smoked weed.. Wasn't promiscuous.. Etc.

Long story short.. I've been in and out of psych wards, multiple suicide attempts, have full fledged bpd.. Have been on every psych med out there.. Etc. I have no reservations saying that shrooms ruined my life. I'm diagnosed BPD and PTSD.

Can someone tell me though. Is my story very odd? Or is it somewhat common?

 

[herbavore]

So many things could be going on here. Mushrooms--or any psychedelic-- cannot cause BPD though any traumatic experience can trigger it if it is latent. The age you were (I'm assuming teens to early twenties) is the most common age for people to develop both bipolar and schizophrenia extreme symptoms. So in other words, you may have had the traumatic trip and that triggered the onset or you may have had a traumatic trip and the condition reared its head in you right on schedule completely independent of the bad experience. Either is possible.

There is also a third possibility here and that is why so many doctors and psychologists are challenged by treating so-called dual diagnosis clients. The drug use you are describing is extreme and I think it would be very difficult to diagnose a mental illness when half of the symptoms may be related to your drug use. BPD is handed out today with the same abandon that doctors used to hand out the diagnosis of "hysteria" to women in the 18th and 19th centuries. But since they have given you that diagnosis, it would be very good for you to try to be drug free for a long while to see what is really going on. Depression and anxiety are completely normal and only are considered abnormal when they are so severe or chronic that they really have an ongoing negative impact on your life. If you have been doing "any drug you can imagine" for years you have not been able to develop normal coping strategies. A lot of times we create mental illness, or life creates it, rather than "having" it. Give yourself a chance to heal from the drug abuse. Get counseling with someone that you can really trust. I'm sorry that your life is so full of struggle and I really hope that you can find peace.

 

[Mysterie]

i have had a similar path as you (although less extreme, but i did become institutionalised after a lsd trip and was diagnosed as BPD), i would advise against using any drugs if possible (difficult at times i know but its best not to use them when you have crossed the threshold you have).

your outlook will equal what your circumstances are, so if you consider yourself a victim then you will be one. but if you can take a different perspective on what you have believed to be negative for so long, you can have a chance to free yourself from all this suffering.

depression and anxiety can be your body trying to tell you that something is block or stuck in your life and that you need to try doing something different in order for these states to be more spacious and less heavy. it can be an invitation to look deeper into your experience, suffering can be considered a building block of happiness, through the examination of what suffering is and how we perceive it, you can discover fundamental truths of our reality. sounds cultish, but the psychedelic trip was too much info to integrate at once, so its best to treat the seeking of happiness as a daily practice rather than a hit which takes you there instantly.

one idea is also that the best way to receive love, is to give it freely. love which seeks no reward or admiration/gratification. im also working on that.

 

[camjua]

So many things could be going on here. Mushrooms--or any psychedelic-- cannot cause BPD though any traumatic experience can trigger it if it is latent. The age you were (I'm assuming teens to early twenties) is the most common age for people to develop both bipolar and schizophrenia extreme symptoms. So in other words, you may have had the traumatic trip and that triggered the onset or you may have had a traumatic trip and the condition reared its head in you right on schedule completely independent of the bad experience. Either is possible.

There is also a third possibility here and that is why so many doctors and psychologists are challenged by treating so-called dual diagnosis clients. The drug use you are describing is extreme and I think it would be very difficult to diagnose a mental illness when half of the symptoms may be related to your drug use. BPD is handed out today with the same abandon that doctors used to hand out the diagnosis of "hysteria" to women in the 18th and 19th centuries. But since they have given you that diagnosis, it would be very good for you to try to be drug free for a long while to see what is really going on. Depression and anxiety are completely normal and only are considered abnormal when they are so severe or chronic that they really have an ongoing negative impact on your life. If you have been doing "any drug you can imagine" for years you have not been able to develop normal coping strategies. A lot of times we create mental illness, or life creates it, rather than "having" it. Give yourself a chance to heal from the drug abuse. Get counseling with someone that you can really trust. I'm sorry that your life is so full of struggle and I really hope that you can find peace.

I never implied shrooms caused my BPD. I have no doubt it triggered my anxiety. There's no way I could coincidentally have a bad trip... Which caused my first panic attack... Then start getting panic attacks because of other causes.. From that day forward I struggled with anxiety. The BPD developed over the years of more drug use to deal with the anxiety and depression.. The drug use resulted in me behaving in ways I regretted, sleeping around which caused drama and other problems and the drug lifestyle caused a myriad of other issues.

I should have stated I quit drugs for nearly 2 years. From age 22-24. Not a sip of alcohol, not a single psychotropic besides psych meds. That was when I realized that it certainly wasn't drug induced BPD symptoms. My psychiatrists and therapists throughout the years tried their best to never diagnose me with BPD.. But after a year of sobriety and still being a walking train wreck they said it was obvious I had developed BPD. Eventually at age 25 I relapsed. Got into kratom.. then relapsed on molly, cocaine.. Ended up trying a plethora of other drugs.. And then within the last 6 months moved onto IV meth and heroin. Previous to shrooms I DID NOT KNOW WHAT ANXIETY WAS. I never once had an anxiety attack or panic attack. After shrooms I had anxiety every single day, weed began triggering panic attacks... Which it had never done before.. And eventually I tried harder drugs in an attempt to self medicate. Hope this helps clarify.

 

[herbavore]

If you were off all drugs for two years, that would certainly have been enough time to clarify things--thanks for clearing that up for me.


Doesn't the meth intensify your anxiety?

 

[camjua]

It does when I crash. The high itself is fucking fantastic. Its one of those drugs I promised myself I'd just try it once. I was wrong to think I could. Within a week I tried iv for the first time. I've struggled with it since. But I've been sober from meth for nearly a week now. It definitely intensifies my anxiety and depression by 10 fold when I crash. Its why I'm quitting. Its so awful. But honestly I really fucked myself up.. (As we speak I just got done puking my guts up) as I'm also withdrawaling from kratom, oxycontin and heroin. I want to be sober again for a while and then return to just weed, Valerian and kratom from time to time. As of now though I feel like I'm.dying though haha. Btw though, I never got an answer though. Is it common for psychedelics to trigger anxiety disorders?

 

[herbavore]

I still do not think it is, but that is just my opinion and I have absolutely no research to go on.

Come on over to the Recovery forums for support for your WDs and changing your drug habits. Quite a few good folk are doing just that and the group support is crucial. Sorry you are feeling so sick--that sucks.

 

[greengummybear]

I have been mulling over your posts after reading them and think I comprehend your meaning.

So, I have a quote. In my mind this quote is about sobriety and lucidity. I accept some people in modern times find lucidity with anti-psychotics. This is true either way.

How long will this last, this delicious feeling of being alive, of having penetrated the veil which hides beauty and the wonders of celestial vistas? It doesn't matter, as there can be nothing but gratitude for even a glimpse of what exists for those who can become open to it.

With me this quote portrays the beauty of having your own life and knowing you are who you are. The beauty of self consciousness. Living my past life everyday was without this and I don't know what caused it. In my childhood strong retrograde amnesia and behavioral problems predominated. The challenge with mental illness is we often aren't aware of the issues ourselves. Looking back I realize I experienced debilitating schizophrenia everyday in my youth. The symptoms got magnified and diagnosed when I began living on my own and my responsibilities increased.

After my diagnosis I had a period of significant struggle mostly involving my government. They repeatedly hospitalized, institutionalized, incarcerated, and consequently made me homeless over mental health issues. What they did to me made me worse each time and left me with fewer resources. If you look at the number of mentally ill people in Americas prisons and the rate of recidivism you find this happens way to often with people such as you and me. Everyone said:

"I'd come to kno good they knew I would."

Mental institutions in this country were about the same as jails. I apologize our countries policies towards people with mental illness only has two options. There are more compassionate techniques. In the middle of these everyday struggles at times I desired an escape from its pain. I struggled with addiction and have attempted killing myself (neither in many years). I have been a person who wished they could revert into ignorance about what was so problematic. I eventually learned much of the trauma I experienced resulted from how my society handled my symptoms. The symptoms themselves weren't as painful as what my society did in response.

After I recovered from my addictions and began taking notes my life began improving. My life continues improving. Now I'll reference the Shulgin quote again. My struggles have been intrinsic with how I have grown and overcome my disability. On the other side of those old everyday struggles seeing the world and recognizing so many overlooked details these days is beautiful. I value a glimpse of the real world over an entire lifetime of amnesic non-existence. If I reverted into my past state of ignorance I couldn't have seen the world as other people (such as an ant) can. Recognizing I have schizophrenia was traumatic. Recognizing I have schizophrenia has allowed me a way of being well and getting better.

Take notes on your daily life and how you use drugs.

 

[camjua]

Thanks for the response. But I must insist.. I did not have anxiety previous to shrooms. I know this. I thought back and yes, as a child and in my teens I would get stressed.. But never anxious. I just handled it. But once anxiety became a daily thing after my traumatic shrooms trip, it was obvious I could not cope. I turned to drugs for the answers. I will definitely take notes, and am currently in the process of quitting. So.. I just hope it sticks.

 

[Burnt Offerings]

What you describe is not particularly far-fetched...psilocybin is a very strong drug and IIRC certain studies have shown that personality changes from a single experience with can last as long as six months, and probably longer. For me personally, the first time I took psilocybin was an incredible positive experience...I'd probably rank it among the top five best decisions I've ever made with my life, actually (it's definitely the only drug-related item that would end up on that list...) So I can definitely relate to a single drug experience like that having a very strong impact on a person's life; the only difference was that you had a bad experience and I had a good one. But it definitely can have a fairly long-term impact.

 

[camjua]

Yeah. I think I'd be over it by now and have defeated my anxiety if I hadn't turned to more drugs to numb the depression and anxiety. All I did was make a bad situation into a monumentally bad situation. A crisis if you will haha. Thanks for the comment. I googled the shrooms changing personality and found those articles to be very enlightening.