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TDS The Suicide Support Thread

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My closest friend in the world just lost her father to suicide yesterday. I don't know any details, but what I do know was she had to cut him down herself. Her sister isn't even in high school yet and she's 20 and they both have to bury their father. I can't stop thinking about it, I feel so bad for her and her family. And I don't feel like I can do anything to help her which scares me because she's the closest person to me in the world.

Guys please don't make any permanent decisions. I know this guy went through a lot of pain and struggle but I guarantee if the person he was lived past the pain, this is not what he would have wanted. Always a reason to fight guys.

My heart is really hurting right now.
 
(((HUGS)) badfish...SO sorry for your loss and heartache. I feel this man's desperation more and more every day.

Often times the pain sucks the life out of us, leaving us to merely "exist" until we die. Damn shame.
 
badfish45 said:
My closest friend in the world just lost her father to suicide yesterday. I don't know any details, but what I do know was she had to cut him down herself. Her sister isn't even in high school yet and she's 20 and they both have to bury their father. I can't stop thinking about it, I feel so bad for her and her family. And I don't feel like I can do anything to help her which scares me because she's the closest person to me in the world.

Guys please don't make any permanent decisions. I know this guy went through a lot of pain and struggle but I guarantee if the person he was lived past the pain, this is not what he would have wanted. Always a reason to fight guys.

My heart is really hurting right now.
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Oh no! Is this your friend from high school? I hope she is getting help for this. Oh, I am just so, so sorry.
 
^ it is and I don't think she has any access to help. Her family has no money right now.

She's even going back to work tomorrow because she can't afford to take time off and I don't think they can afford a funeral either.
 
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I'm really sorry to hear that. It can only imagine the suffering she must be going through right now.
 
This is my first post at BL, a great resource in the web. I want to share my story, but I am not making recommendations or suggestions. I am Bipolar I with ADHD, have been since childhood, have been on meds since childhood. I also had an abusive, fearful childhood and home environment. Anyway. I flt suicidal the past days, despite taking all my meds prescribed by the doctors. I was close to put an end. A friend of mine, once we were talking about people that commit suicide, told me that you do anything before taking that exit, even drugs. I said that pain can be so hard you can't avoid feeling comfort in the possibility of putting an end to it. Today it was bad bad. I have not been able to work because of my misery. I work at home, if I don't work, I don't get deposits. So I had to pawn my phone, again. I went to buy 2.5 usd of meth/ice came back home. Wrote a letter indicating that I knew what I was doing and that it was not the drug, but me, who decided to take this path. I dissolved the crystals in water and drank it. I also took magnesium, vitamins, had a good meal, drank a fresh fruits juice, and got myself a lot of water. 1 hour has passed. I am no longer depressed, I don't want to cry and to cuddle in bed. I am here at the computer ready to work for 8 hours. Through the consumption of meth I have avoided suicide. I just wanted to say that I didn't kill myself or lost my job because of the impossible depression. I will follow this path, using the substance as safe as possible (its never safe we know that) and I will probably will get sick, addicted or death. I was going to die anyway. So, I live, for now, and because of this drug people associate with evil. I risk getting the police each time I get it, but who cares since it keeps me alive.

I'm in Mexico, I don't know how much 2.5 usd on meth is, its very little. I will try to get a micro balance to figure that out. So, I'm not advocating drugs, I'm advocating staying alive. Try other things first, try weed, try adderall if you have access, try lithium. Most importantly the directions of your doctor. Contact him/her if you like like this. I just didn't have the guts since she has helped me so many time it would feel as abuse. I can't ask money from my parents, that's a broken bridge.

By the way this was just a phase, I will probably will get out. Prozac, Zyprexa, Lamictal, Klonopin and Ritalin kept me in a good spot, until they don't. If you need immediate depression relief, it is actually possible that your pdoc will give you the amps knowing that antideps take weeks or months to work, if they work.

Keep it up, try again, and try harder.
 
Suicide, from a cold medical perspective, runs into families, very strongly, so you will have to be that close friend you are for a long time. Make it so close that she discloses his deepest feelings, so she won't feel alone trying "to figure it out". Friends like that are rare to find. I have only two friends I would dare to tell I feel suicidal, and I would tell them until I am fine again. I want to save them the related stress.

My friend also has a psychiatric illness, so we are very open talking about meds and our extreme ways of feeling. You can do that with your friend too.

I can't say more, since these are shocks in life that put us on the empty stare. Be with her.
 
Purple Wizard, I can only imagine that a child that has suffered abuse as well as having had his developing brain on drugs from an early age would feel suicidal. Many people that have been in the mental health system for years find it hypocritical (not to mention insane!) that while the system can put children as young as 5 on amphetamine-like drugs or amphetamines, that a person self-medicating with the same street drug should be considered the criminal and stigmatized and incarcerated if caught. I certainly think that way. I am glad that your solution worked for you this time but would encourage you to continue to delve deeper and deeper into own abilities to heal the damages of the past. Explore everything that you can that relates to your life and the pain it holds--from child development to psychology, the peer-support movement in mental health, forgiveness as healing, meditation or anything that you can do to find a still place of peace within--one that you can go to when life throws you off balance. Suicidal thought is the mind crying, "I cannot hold this amount of despair and pain anymore. Save me." In desperation we may interpret that the only way to end the pain is to end the existence of the body that holds it. These feelings are real and the truth that we actually are in control of whether or not we want to continue living can be a freeing respite from the monotony of depression or the acute pain of fear or self loathing. But life is always a process--a daily, dynamic minute-by-minute experience and the more I have filled those minutes with educating myself about my own condition, my own nature, my own unique way of seeing the world, the less I have been willing to view myself through diagnoses. Human culture is so full of fatalism and my own mind is very susceptible to it--so much so that I often turn to nature or the bonds with animals or even just the study and observation of wild things to sidestep that mental trap.

Stay safe and keep seeking. If you keep your compass pointed at self-acceptance and compassion any failures or mistakes simply become opportunities to gain knowledge.<3
 
Ziiirp said:
May I ask, which dissociative it was, that you took in a miserable state of mind ? I still think, that you misunderstood my post and assume, that I try to recommend @Edaw'Naflagn a psychedelic trip to solve all of his problems. I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself here and you already got, that I am talking about taking a (semi-) hole inducing NMDA-antagonist in order to detach the ego from the given data set, that we call past/memory/character and gain a new perspective to ones own life, realize new ways of improving certain expects and integrate those realizations into everyday life.

Yes, all this is theoretically possible during a classical psychedelic trip but in my opinion psychedelics (5ht2a-agonists) tend to overwhelm the mind and can probably cause long lasting after effects and negative thought patterns, because they confront the user with all kinds of potentially negative memories and emotions, that they suppressed. whereas dissociatives bear less dangers in that regard. If the disso-dose is too high, it can of course get too "underwhelming", meaning, that a total detachment from the body and ego is reached (holing), so that usually no revealations come out of disso trips (it is rather a restart), but instead a restart of the mind is achieved, because the ego is dissolved during the peak of the trip and later during the comedown and the following days slowly forming itself back from the available data in the head and environment.

Disso trips are much more recommended for severly depressed people IMHO. When I was depressed and took psychedelics (substances like shrooms, LSD, 2c-x), it always ended in a disaster or a meh experience at best. With dissos (substances like Ketamine, DXM, MXE, 2-Oxo-PCE) you feel like a certain part of you is reborn and you have gotten a chance to readjust that part of you, in order to harmonize better with your environment and fellow humans. But you need a good trip sitter, because during holing you loose control of your body (breathing works find though), but you are usually very calm.

Long post : TLDR? I did NOT talk about about psychedelics, but about dissociatives (pretty good ones are discussed right now in the psychedelics forum, yes they are discussed in the psych forum, but they are a totally other substance class).
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First it was DXM and then Metholone I can't recall how to spell it but it's a fake XTC replacement for us here in this state I live at. Losing my home and most of my life IMO I just can't put up with all this stress any longer I've had shit that no one I've met has gone through and personally don't see an end anytime soon so I just want to end this missable life of mine. My mind is ripping each damn day man and it's never ever getting better at all... I try so long and so hard it's just not even worth this pain an suffering and having my friends helps and my father helps a load as he is my best of friends and helps me so so so much man. As do I for him too it's just getting sad and horrid. I still don't know what I did to deserve this pain and suffering I just wanna due now man... Not one reason other than my family is keeping me from pulling the trigger and having one last shot in my arm from a large dose of hydromorphone and a mix of OxyCodone and maybe an amphetamine too as I've recently tried meth/prescription amp's and they make me wanna dance and be social too it's great they also make me happy as hell but I don't wanna become an addict on them so I barely touch them since I already use my pain meds and get opiates since opiate is my DOC.
 
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Hey guys,

My drug history is basically on the Rx side of the things, but I am kind of an individualist, introvert type, and am a big believer in respecting others and mutual support.

I've struggled with some bad self-esteem issues from my youth. I did surprisingly decent through most of my life, but it's the psychotropics that have really done a number on me in the last few years. I was never into alcohol and rec drugs, but have ended up with a bad benzo withdrawal, and I feel a combination of sheer panic and severe depersonalization. My mind feels like it's on another planet, and it's gone from really sharp to very slow and cloudy. I've been tapering very slow, but the whole feeling is just overwhelming. The years when I was on an SSRI alone without any benzos feel like heaven in comparison. The years when I was not on any meds also feel like heaven in comparison. I am still tapering the meds and seeing a psych next week, but I am already scared. Can no longer drive and need rides to get there. I am in a panic mode whenever I get a little further from the house...

The benzo thing crept up on me very slowly. Several years of on/off low dose use until I felt something was "off", and then later realized what actually happened, and getting extremely scared.
 
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Benzo withdrawal is notoriously bad so I feel for you. Stick with a very slow taper and then do everything you can to make sure your diet and sleep habits are good. Maybe forcing yourself out for a walk will do two things--get you outside and also get you some exercise. Isolation affects so much of your life in a negative way. Many people give up during the benzo withdrawal simply because it is sod to go through--stick with it and give your brain time to readjust. In the meantime try not to compound the anxiety you are feeling with fearful thoughts (like: "This will never end" or "I have created permanent damage") because these are only thoughts, not facts. When you find yourself having negative thoughts about the future, bring yourself back to the present and breathe.
 
Thanks, I have made it down to almost 0.5mg of Ativan after months and months of slow careful tapering, but I couldn't have done it without valium and Gabapentin, not that I recommend either. Once I got from 2.5mg ativan to 2mg, I just knew I couldn't get off of it directly....
 
I'm grateful to have found this forum. Too few safe avenues where people can discuss their difficult feelings. Thanks.
 
Well you were lucky as herbavore is one of the greatest person in here. Such a big heart! <3
I hope everything turns out better for you. I've been through this and it can be quite challenging!
Good luck!
 
Yeah, I am hanging by a thread. I have just somehow ,after 10 long years cut myself down from 16 bMG of Subutex a day to 8 MG a day for 3 weeks now, but I have other serious issues. Every night ,right before bed I crush an ambien ,and 2, 1 MG pills of Xannex , mix it up good and snort them .I have come to have a phobia of lying in bed ,and thinking about all the freaky things that are going to happen in the future. Not to me, ,I swear I am not afraid, but for my Children , my Mom ,my pets ,my Country.Anyway , that only keeps me sleeping for about 3 hrs. I always wake at around 5 AM - 5:30 AM . The worst thing though , is my alcohol addiction. I usually have my first beer at around 6 AM ,and drink about 10 tall boys a day. Ironic, I was able to fully stop using Oxy's and crack ,and H , since 2009 ,but I am on this worse isolated ,freakshow all alone. I honestly hate alcohol ,and never used it until my mid 40's. I believe I am using it as a replacement for dope, as I have no more connections,and the subutex just seems to make me depressed and extremely anti-social. At least when I was on Crack & Oxys,or rally when I was a Rastsa Ganja puffer , I had a whole crew of buddies, but now I am super isolation man! I used to grow ,and smoke and give out tons of weed to all my friends ,and even some people who were just using me. I was always the worst drug dealer,as I always felt sorry for the buyer ,and ended up letting them get the better of me , & losing money in any venture I tried to get with. I am a born loser . Married for over 20 years ,but have no physical contact with my wife for many years.She has never liked sex ,or physical contact with a male,aside from for procreation purposes only . . My youngest Child sleeps with her for the last 9 years now ,and I sleep alone in a room designed for a little girl for the past 9 years . I just want to die,but I do not want that horrible tragedy to haunt my Children , so I just go through every day like a zombie. . This is not a life . Almost all of my closest friends have long ago died from OD's,suicide and other strange events. I feel I am absolutely living on borrowed time, & am the last of my type. I have about 200 1 MG Xannex,and a bunch of Ambiens to end this nightmare life . I just really want to die. I am absolutely,truly not afraid of what is on the other side but ,I am just concerned the effect it will have on my kids. My Father offed himself at this exact same age. Using Vodka, prozac,elavil,and valium back in the 90's. Anyone else out there hanging by a thread ????
 
Please stay with us. I think something in you definitely wants to live, and I believe you can recover. You deserve a better life, and you can slowly get there. Please don't OD on Xanax. It doesn't work. It's OD proof. All it will do is land you in a psych ward, feeling even 100 times worse.

Check out this interview, it will help you:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhbbmGXYF18&t=577s
 
riddla420 said:
Yeah, I am hanging by a thread. I have just somehow ,after 10 long years cut myself down from 16 bMG of Subutex a day to 8 MG a day for 3 weeks now, but I have other serious issues. Every night ,right before bed I crush an ambien ,and 2, 1 MG pills of Xannex , mix it up good and snort them .I have come to have a phobia of lying in bed ,and thinking about all the freaky things that are going to happen in the future. Not to me, ,I swear I am not afraid, but for my Children , my Mom ,my pets ,my Country.Anyway , that only keeps me sleeping for about 3 hrs. I always wake at around 5 AM - 5:30 AM . The worst thing though , is my alcohol addiction. I usually have my first beer at around 6 AM ,and drink about 10 tall boys a day. Ironic, I was able to fully stop using Oxy's and crack ,and H , since 2009 ,but I am on this worse isolated ,freakshow all alone. I honestly hate alcohol ,and never used it until my mid 40's. I believe I am using it as a replacement for dope, as I have no more connections,and the subutex just seems to make me depressed and extremely anti-social. At least when I was on Crack & Oxys,or rally when I was a Rastsa Ganja puffer , I had a whole crew of buddies, but now I am super isolation man! I used to grow ,and smoke and give out tons of weed to all my friends ,and even some people who were just using me. I was always the worst drug dealer,as I always felt sorry for the buyer ,and ended up letting them get the better of me , & losing money in any venture I tried to get with. I am a born loser . Married for over 20 years ,but have no physical contact with my wife for many years.She has never liked sex ,or physical contact with a male,aside from for procreation purposes only . . My youngest Child sleeps with her for the last 9 years now ,and I sleep alone in a room designed for a little girl for the past 9 years . I just want to die,but I do not want that horrible tragedy to haunt my Children , so I just go through every day like a zombie. . This is not a life . Almost all of my closest friends have long ago died from OD's,suicide and other strange events. I feel I am absolutely living on borrowed time, & am the last of my type. I have about 200 1 MG Xannex,and a bunch of Ambiens to end this nightmare life . I just really want to die. I am absolutely,truly not afraid of what is on the other side but ,I am just concerned the effect it will have on my kids. My Father offed himself at this exact same age. Using Vodka, prozac,elavil,and valium back in the 90's. Anyone else out there hanging by a thread ????
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Did you try Kratom or is that illegal in Florida ? I would taper the alcohol and subutex and try Kratom. Yes, you can get addicted, but the addiction should be easily financially managable (compared to your former addictions) and it is far more easy to taper off and quit Kratom than alcohol and subs.
 
It's better to get addicted to Kratom than to stay with alcohol. You could also try to find a psychiatrist. Not saying you have a mental issue but sometimes these doctors can prescribe something to ease your mind during this accute phase. I have often felt very down in almost everything in life simultaneously but not only we adapt to the worst possible scenarios but I have also realized these events do not last forever. It can be horrible for sometime and not so much as time goes by. In reference to meds, alcohol, etc, the more you take the worse it gets, so I would try to use the minimum amount of 'drugs' at the moment. I know it's tough but it will get better.
 
Yes, 1mg of Xanax is like taking 20mg of Valium, so it is not small doses. Just that issue by itself can cause a lot of grief. Rx drug forums suggest reducing meds like Xanax by 5-10% every two weeks. Sometime, people have to go even more slowly than that. I'd definitely check out the Ashton Manual online about Xanax. BTW, some of her reduction schedules can be too fast for some people. These are not rules, just rough guidelines.
 
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