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Does it ever end ?

DrinksWithEvil

DrinksWithEvil

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 25, 2009
Messages
29,632
I first started posting In here in 2009 talking about my addictions and love problems

Now 5 years later it's worse I've fallen to a state of hopelessness 9 rehabs I am now on mmt it's going alright with a few slip ups,the women I can have I don't want. I'm a smart,funny, good looking guy but something inside of me holds me back from my true potential i know I can be an amazing person and husband

Im just lost am i one of those people who are just lost forever ? I look at the homeless on the street and relate with them since I was homeless i feel like I can't connect with normal Starbucks drinking people

I have hep c from my heroin I'v days and I saw the prices for medication and it's 100k and that's not even a guarantee it will get rid of it and we can barely afford rent

It's like I should just die to save my family the money and sadness

Dunno just rambling
 
Hey man. It's been 7 overdoses for me in the last year and a half of my drug use alone, and I was only using for 2 years. I can relate with how dire and shitty things can get.

I have one piece of advice for you that someone gave to me that transformed my life. Make a timeline- bullet-point style if you fancy, of your life.... from your first memory, up until now. Put everything into perspective on a piece of paper and have it in front of you to look at. Elaborate where needed, and be vague when needed.... kinda like a mini- autobiography.


When you speak of that potential that's being held back, realize potential is all arbitrary..... That homeless man on the street is not fundamentally separate from the president of the US.
 
I know exactly how you feel, not sure what your DOC is, but mine has been methadone, and now its heroin, as I cant get the methadone anymore, Im currently going thru severe w/ds, in a cycle where I keep copping every other day.

Regarding women, My last serious relationship was good, but she was a major pill head and I was one too, so that was not good for me, but we did have alot of fun together, then fast forward about 6 months, I met this really super nice gal who was really attractive, we clicked immediately, she asked me if I wanted to join her for lunch one day, but I declined, I knew she was a good person and NOT a user, I knew a relationship with a woman like her would never last, cuz of my usage. Basically I realized dope was my 'girlfriend' and to even attempt to start something with another women would only end badly, so that was that, havent seen or talked to her since then.

The funny thing with heroin and other opiates, I know is true with me, not sure about others, but opiates really take away my sex drive, my drive for a relationship, etc, very odd, because I used to love flirting with the ladies and going on dates, now its like I dont even care if I ever get laid ever again...dope is my primary concern.
 
Stop worrying about your own problems and help others if you can. That's what recovers me from feeling like a lost sould more than anything else I reckon.

Rather than constantly focusing on myself I try to have a healthy amount of self-awareness so that I am putting in the right actions to move myself forwards towards where I want to be, but otherwise try and focus on connecting with other people and the world around me. Helping others is a brilliant and easy way of doing that imo.

Even if you just type out some of your experiences on here now and again if you think someone else might gain from hearing them, then occasionally someone will say hey yeah I can relate to that it's not just me or yeah that helps me understand myself a bit better thanks dude. It's a tiny thing but it makes me feel good, if I'm struggling to help myself then sometimes I can help someone else instead and then I feel better about myself.

Of course being human I am falliable and fail to live up to this simple maxim a lot of the time and can get lost in my own head, but that's ok too, no one is perfect. When I find myself going down that route I try to be open about it with people (friends, family or on here) and usually someone will have something to say that will snap me out of it and I'll feel better. If that's the case then I'll let them know that they've helped me even if it's just the word thanks, then hopefully they will get a boost because they've been able to help someone. Positivity breeds positivity.
 
We're in the same boat, DWE because I recently found out I have hep c. My doctor told me last week my Michigan Medicaid won't cover the new drug Sovaldi and there's another one too I can't remember the name of it. But then he said no insurance covers it, you have to appeal it. So I'm waiting too. Right now just focus on getting yourself well again. Don't worry about women, concentrate on you and keep your head up. That's all you can do. <3
 
Still waiting on my fucking test, been asking for one for months and months.:|

On the flipside, if I am ill I will be looked after at zero cost to myself because I live in a civilised country.
 
THECATINTHEHAT said:
Still waiting on my fucking test, been asking for one for months and months.:|

On the flipside, if I am ill I will be looked after at zero cost to myself because I live in a civilised country.
Click to expand...

funny how this statement pointed out both the advantage and drawback to you civility. i could have this test done in twenty minutes, but I would have to give up quite a bit off loot to have it done.


DWE, IMHO you either continue to live the life you are or have to work at another life.

I hope the test results come back perfect for you cat. Not to try and fuck with you guys, but whats with sharine needles in this day and age?
 
neversickanymore said:
funny how this statement pointed out both the advantage and drawback to you civility. i could have this test done in twenty minutes, but I would have to give up quite a bit off loot to have it done.
Click to expand...

I could have it done in 20 minutes too, but I would also have to give up some loot. I did think exactly the point you made as I typed it out though=D

That's the wonerful thing about our system though, you have the choice to fast track treatment if you can afford it, but no one will be left behind if they can't.
 
Oh, and I've never shared needles. I have shared spoons etc without thinkinking though, and fucked some questionable girls without a condom.

I should be fine, but it's sensible to get yourself checked innit.
 
Why ever share needles? I mean they are so cheap and easy to get...

But I can really relate to you. Suicide seems like such an easy way out. Just ending it all and be done with it forever.

But that's the pussy move out. Whatever may be NEVER GIVE UP THE FIGHT. Whatever the fuck may occur, always be stronger than the monkey in your back telling you you should kill yourself. Be your own warrior. Hep C sucks... but think of the people having cancer, AIDS and physical disabilities... and their willpower to survive and make the best out of their lives.

Just give it a thought
 
Damn man...you clown around on this website so much , I had no idea you were suffering all this "real" shit. I'm sorry.
I too feel like im in the Forever Fucked club, and suicide is an option but not for me.
I can tell by the other stuff you post that you have a sense of humor, which means you have coping skills.
recognize that? Ok...? Nice to see the real you for a moment there . - MiKe
 
TheCuriousOne said:
but think of the people having cancer, AIDS and physical disabilities... and their willpower to survive and make the best out of their lives.
Click to expand...

That is just ridicolous, first of all, many people suffering from those conditions DO commit suïcide or euthanise theirself.
Second, addiction is not a terminal disease, or something for life.
When suffering from addiction, the only way to stop it is to stop failing the attempt.
When you can't, you are responsible for not getting better, in the others, its out of your hand.

And the general tendence in your comment is just childish, just saying, makes me wonder if you even know what you are talking about.
 
DWE you have medicaid? Ive been trying to check it out for you and it seems Hawaii doesnt have a preferred drug list or hasnt made a decision on covering those drugs. Worth a shot calling them to find out.
 
Hep C is probably less horrible to have than HIV, I would look on the bright side on that one.

I know what it's like to always be alone, and not truly want the people you can have. I finally met someone though and it seems like I have been waiting my whole life for now.

That day will come for you too man.

Just work on yourself each day, and stay hopeful that you'll find the right girl eventually.
 
The way I look at it is to try and forget about finding the right girl and that sort of thing. If I do the right work on myself and show myself the right care and love then I have faith that other people will want to as well.

As soon as I start bothering my head with hoping for other people to show an interest in me it leads to wondering why they aren't if it doesn't happen immediately. Then I start getting overly self critical, start lacking motivation, start lacking self-esteem and all that sort of thing and I stop showing myself the love....and I know that when I slip in to that pattern it's totally negative for attracting other people (whether you're talking platonic or romantic relationships).

That's just me though, maybe I'm talking shit.
 
Ya forget finding a girl that shit ain't happening if I don't have a job or anything

Yes I have insurance free it's called ohana care guess its Medicaid they might cover some
Of it but do I really Wannna
Start treatment now ? Or wait ?


Again ya the girl thing is a huge drug for me the feelings from a break up is far worse than heroin wd u don't cry from heroinn wd lol
 
God, I am afraid to post here, but I will.
DWE, my buddy has Hep C. He never took any drugs (for the hep). He is ok.
Are you having symptoms?
Go get a bottle of milk thistle and look up homepathic remedies. I have heard of people eliminating this from their system just with good care of their body.
Another friend did the treatment and it made her feel horrible. I worked with her and she always felt bad for months.
It is a crap shoot man.
Just makes think how close I could have come to getting it, but I always had my own batch of needles from work.
 
Ya I take milk thistle three times a day and i don't have symptoms yet

Ya hear people kill themselves While on hep c treatment


See Jackie is from the lounge and gets hella shit but thinks it's just a game and it's all just for fun
 
I said I have a masochistic personality disorder. It is complicated. But hey so is everything
 
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