blahman8000
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2009
- Messages
- 691
In 2012, for some reason, certain things that my father did came to mind. I have resented him ever since. These aren't false memories that I was misled to believe. It's odd, but I always knew them, and yet never realized them. They were blocked out, in a way. Recently I had to move back in with my parents, over the summer, because I could no longer pay my rent. For some time, my anger came out at my father, verbally. I said awful things and I'm having a difficult time handling the guilt over it. So most of the time these past couple of months, I've tried to be as nice as I can. A lot of this was while I was under the influence of alcohol and drugs.
The guilt has become overwhelming. I feel so bad about myself that I can't seem to function anymore. It's been days since I've had an actual meal. I just don't have an appetite anymore. It's been over a week since I've showered. I just feel awful all the time, and I'm having difficulty living with myself. I don't know if this will ever stop. I buy food for my family now (with food stamps, but it's something) and I'm constantly trying to be nice, and I'm full of apologies. I'm doing everything I can. I even once threatened to kill my father. I don't think I'd ever lay a finger on him, but that's an unforgettable and terrible thing. But there is this battle of anger and guilt. I first moved out in October of 2012 and initially lived in a homeless shelter, as a result of what I remembered. Moving back here apparently brought that all back. I've said unforgivable things. I'm thinking of going back out on the streets. I'm having a very difficult time since I've moved back. I truly do not know if I will be able to live like this.
My dad has done a number of good things for me, too. And I feel bad for my mom for having to witness it. I feel like a horrible person, an imposition, and a vexation. I wish I had never moved back. The option I'm considering is detox (for the millionth time) and then 90 day residential rehab (for the first time), as soon as I straighten out my health insurance. That way maybe I can get healthy, get sober, resolve some issues, and leave with a clear head. And that way I wouldn't be a bother to anyone. Because without any help, if I can't find a way to feel better, I don't have any business staying alive. Unfortunately, since I've had these thoughts, they've taken on a spiritual significance. I consider myself agnostic, but as suicide becomes more and more real to me, I've begun worrying about hell. Sometimes I wonder if I belong there anyway.
The guilt has become overwhelming. I feel so bad about myself that I can't seem to function anymore. It's been days since I've had an actual meal. I just don't have an appetite anymore. It's been over a week since I've showered. I just feel awful all the time, and I'm having difficulty living with myself. I don't know if this will ever stop. I buy food for my family now (with food stamps, but it's something) and I'm constantly trying to be nice, and I'm full of apologies. I'm doing everything I can. I even once threatened to kill my father. I don't think I'd ever lay a finger on him, but that's an unforgettable and terrible thing. But there is this battle of anger and guilt. I first moved out in October of 2012 and initially lived in a homeless shelter, as a result of what I remembered. Moving back here apparently brought that all back. I've said unforgivable things. I'm thinking of going back out on the streets. I'm having a very difficult time since I've moved back. I truly do not know if I will be able to live like this.
My dad has done a number of good things for me, too. And I feel bad for my mom for having to witness it. I feel like a horrible person, an imposition, and a vexation. I wish I had never moved back. The option I'm considering is detox (for the millionth time) and then 90 day residential rehab (for the first time), as soon as I straighten out my health insurance. That way maybe I can get healthy, get sober, resolve some issues, and leave with a clear head. And that way I wouldn't be a bother to anyone. Because without any help, if I can't find a way to feel better, I don't have any business staying alive. Unfortunately, since I've had these thoughts, they've taken on a spiritual significance. I consider myself agnostic, but as suicide becomes more and more real to me, I've begun worrying about hell. Sometimes I wonder if I belong there anyway.