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Dealing with guilt
- Thread starter blahman8000
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herbavore
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Blahman, I think the total confusion (otherwise known as cognitive dissonance!) of being in the house with a parent that abused you and not only does not admit that but contributes to you feeling guilty about your unresolved feelings and reactions is completely understandable. I believe that you need to find someone that you can trust--and remember that ALL therapists are bound by law to protect the confidentiality of their clients--to talk to about your memories, the effects they are having in your life now as well as the severity of your physical addiction to alcohol. You deserve treatment. You deserve safe space to explore and heal from one of the worst traumas that can happen to a child (a parent is supposed to be safe). You also deserve support for how to move forward so that you can regain the faith that this is possible. It does not surprise me at all that you relapsed within hours of your release when you were faced with going right back into the craziness of your family situation or life on the streets again. There has to be another alternative and the hard part I know is finding it. But you are trying to save your life. That is not an overstatement.
As long as you turn your guilt in on yourself you will continue the emotional abuse your father inflicted long ago. This is what azure was addressing. It is entirely possible to forgive someone that does not admit guilt or take responsibility. Forgiveness is not excusing behavior. It is understanding how such behavior happened, accepting that you had no control over it then but that you do have control now over how you will deal with it. Living in your father's house is toxic and I don't think you can really even begin to sort your own life out until you are free of that. But living in isolation right now sounds pretty iffy as well. If going into the psyche ward is your only option for a safe detox and some exposure to services then maybe that would be best. It makes me so angry at our system that this is the only thing we can offer you.
Be safe and know that you are held here by many people that care what happens to you.
As long as you turn your guilt in on yourself you will continue the emotional abuse your father inflicted long ago. This is what azure was addressing. It is entirely possible to forgive someone that does not admit guilt or take responsibility. Forgiveness is not excusing behavior. It is understanding how such behavior happened, accepting that you had no control over it then but that you do have control now over how you will deal with it. Living in your father's house is toxic and I don't think you can really even begin to sort your own life out until you are free of that. But living in isolation right now sounds pretty iffy as well. If going into the psyche ward is your only option for a safe detox and some exposure to services then maybe that would be best. It makes me so angry at our system that this is the only thing we can offer you.
Be safe and know that you are held here by many people that care what happens to you.
blahman8000
Bluelighter
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- Dec 3, 2009
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Thank you guys. Your post are really helpful and offer some clarity.
I'm unfortunately going through something where I am remembering everything bad I've said and done in my entire life. I switch between one thing and the other, and as a new subject of ruminating occurs to me over again, there is this jolt of despair and guilt, that lasts until the next thing occurs to me. It is honestly excruciating. Unfortunately right now I have no more alcohol, it is going on 4 AM so the bus isn't running, my dad has a way of refusing the give me a ride to the hospital these days, and my parents wouldn't like the attention drawn to the home with an ambulance. I stretched out some beer through yesterday but now cannot sleep, and have been up for nearly 24 hours. I've tried taking some valerian root pulls to try to relax. However, I do believe the withdrawals have begun to set in, along with some DTs I suppose, as I've been seeing and hearing things that aren't there, which normally doesn't happen to me. No major hallucinations, but enough to frighten me very much. I've found it best not to look around in the dark, and to stare at the computer screen. Faces in the dark, things moving that are not, etc. I just had to run away because I looked out the window and thought I see the veil of somebody running towards the house. This along with my thoughts and emotions is too much for me to handle.
The grocery store opens in two hours. I have no money but my food stamp benefits will be authorized in one hour. I can purchase cooking wine, drink that, and this will temporarily stop. But I am afraid to go outside. Over these next two hours I can only imagine these symptoms will become more intense. I am terrified of what I am seeing and hearing.
I owe a friend money this weekend that I must pay, but I have no idea how I can acquire it. But I cannot go the hospital until I deliver it to him. This may sound stupid. But I do not want to frustrate anybody or bail on him.
f33lgood, I am sorry for how you're feeling and don't mean to ignore your post. I hope that your username will indicate how you hopefully will feel in time. Take care.
I'm unfortunately going through something where I am remembering everything bad I've said and done in my entire life. I switch between one thing and the other, and as a new subject of ruminating occurs to me over again, there is this jolt of despair and guilt, that lasts until the next thing occurs to me. It is honestly excruciating. Unfortunately right now I have no more alcohol, it is going on 4 AM so the bus isn't running, my dad has a way of refusing the give me a ride to the hospital these days, and my parents wouldn't like the attention drawn to the home with an ambulance. I stretched out some beer through yesterday but now cannot sleep, and have been up for nearly 24 hours. I've tried taking some valerian root pulls to try to relax. However, I do believe the withdrawals have begun to set in, along with some DTs I suppose, as I've been seeing and hearing things that aren't there, which normally doesn't happen to me. No major hallucinations, but enough to frighten me very much. I've found it best not to look around in the dark, and to stare at the computer screen. Faces in the dark, things moving that are not, etc. I just had to run away because I looked out the window and thought I see the veil of somebody running towards the house. This along with my thoughts and emotions is too much for me to handle.
The grocery store opens in two hours. I have no money but my food stamp benefits will be authorized in one hour. I can purchase cooking wine, drink that, and this will temporarily stop. But I am afraid to go outside. Over these next two hours I can only imagine these symptoms will become more intense. I am terrified of what I am seeing and hearing.
I owe a friend money this weekend that I must pay, but I have no idea how I can acquire it. But I cannot go the hospital until I deliver it to him. This may sound stupid. But I do not want to frustrate anybody or bail on him.
f33lgood, I am sorry for how you're feeling and don't mean to ignore your post. I hope that your username will indicate how you hopefully will feel in time. Take care.
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Blahman8000, my dad was more verbally and mentally abusive then physically (however that had it's moments too). Honestly I'd rather him had sent his fists at me then his words as a kid, he had a short fuse and an even shorter temper and I fought a lot as a kid so I knew how to take a punch. I've never heard him apologize for a thing in his life and honestly now that I think back a lot of it was honestly in my best interest. But even then that shit STILL cuts deep, for years I'd refuse to come back to the house except when absolutely necessary and when my dad wanted to see his grandkids I'd send my wife (because he had a two-faced policy, a public and a private and I knew she would be fine and so would they). What eventually dawned on me was the fact, my dad was human, I am human, we make mistakes in raising kids and all we can do is learn from them and move forward. Apologizing too much to a kid gives them power over you and when you are the key to that kids discipline and trying to "set them on the right path" or what you see as the right path, sometimes we say shit we regret ourselves but can't man up to apologize for.
Take your own case, you said you were being a total ass to your dad for shit you just realized cut you deep. Now it seems you think maybe it might have been for the better or maybe it just wasn't that big of a deal, but think also how he felt at that time he did it. He probably felt the same way, he might even regret it. The best approach I've found to talking this shit out (because the direct approach with my father would... well I don't know, I've never taken that and I never will) is in mirroring how you do things to how he did things in the past. And it does help to talk shit out even if he doesn't want to (think about it this way, if he doesn't want to talk about it, it's probably because he still feels guilty about it), my dad lovesssssssssssssss to lecture and I got shut down the other day when talking about my own short temper with my kids and how he had one when I was kid (never said I resented him for it) and his response was "Let's talk about music or cars or something (we were pulling an alternator out of my wifes car), I don't want to lecture you on your life" (This was after a 30minute explanation how my bankruptcy (over 4 years ago) ruined my chances for my future). However right after that he went on to tell me how he tried to let me run free but I was wayyy too wild as a child (which was true coming from my moms live and let live philosophy to raising children) and so he had to copy his fathers style, he knew it was wrong, but it was the only thing he could do.
Take your own case, you said you were being a total ass to your dad for shit you just realized cut you deep. Now it seems you think maybe it might have been for the better or maybe it just wasn't that big of a deal, but think also how he felt at that time he did it. He probably felt the same way, he might even regret it. The best approach I've found to talking this shit out (because the direct approach with my father would... well I don't know, I've never taken that and I never will) is in mirroring how you do things to how he did things in the past. And it does help to talk shit out even if he doesn't want to (think about it this way, if he doesn't want to talk about it, it's probably because he still feels guilty about it), my dad lovesssssssssssssss to lecture and I got shut down the other day when talking about my own short temper with my kids and how he had one when I was kid (never said I resented him for it) and his response was "Let's talk about music or cars or something (we were pulling an alternator out of my wifes car), I don't want to lecture you on your life" (This was after a 30minute explanation how my bankruptcy (over 4 years ago) ruined my chances for my future). However right after that he went on to tell me how he tried to let me run free but I was wayyy too wild as a child (which was true coming from my moms live and let live philosophy to raising children) and so he had to copy his fathers style, he knew it was wrong, but it was the only thing he could do.
blahman8000
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- Dec 3, 2009
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- 691
cay, thank you.
I am considering a number of options. Of course, I am a complete alcoholic, and it rules my life. So I think about death. And like another person said in this thread, I can't be sure the result of suicide will be much better than ending my existence here where I am. I just can't know.
I do know that it is getting worse and worse. For instance, I know that I experienced DT's and all I could figure to do was put some words out there somewhere (here), at the time. It was terrifying. But terror is not the worst part.
Alcohol allows me to exist. If I had the money, I'd combine it with opiates, because then I'd feel really okay. Then I'd truly get through the day feeling like I deserve to. Instead I can only acquire a substance that numbs pain, but occasionally delivers more. I almost dropped to my knees on the sidewalk in order to just scream earlier tonight. I didn't. I dismissed it before it become a true idea. However, it is a belief of many cultures that this is healthy. To find a place to scream. I do not mean into a pillow.
I am afraid of going to sleep. I am consciously avoiding it, because I know how I feel when I wake up. I am shivering when I wake up. I am shaking. I am filled with so many unhappy thoughts that I begin to hope it might make me suddenly die. That is what I mean when I say it is completely overwhelming. I have lost my mind.
Thank you everyone for all of your help. I will not do anything stupid right now. The pain just seems to multiply. I feel like I am on my proverbial deathbed. I don't mean that as a threat of suicide. But it is a sense and a feeling. It is gotten so bad. There are no words for it. I've decided that I deserve it. That is certainly the worst part.
I am considering a number of options. Of course, I am a complete alcoholic, and it rules my life. So I think about death. And like another person said in this thread, I can't be sure the result of suicide will be much better than ending my existence here where I am. I just can't know.
I do know that it is getting worse and worse. For instance, I know that I experienced DT's and all I could figure to do was put some words out there somewhere (here), at the time. It was terrifying. But terror is not the worst part.
Alcohol allows me to exist. If I had the money, I'd combine it with opiates, because then I'd feel really okay. Then I'd truly get through the day feeling like I deserve to. Instead I can only acquire a substance that numbs pain, but occasionally delivers more. I almost dropped to my knees on the sidewalk in order to just scream earlier tonight. I didn't. I dismissed it before it become a true idea. However, it is a belief of many cultures that this is healthy. To find a place to scream. I do not mean into a pillow.
I am afraid of going to sleep. I am consciously avoiding it, because I know how I feel when I wake up. I am shivering when I wake up. I am shaking. I am filled with so many unhappy thoughts that I begin to hope it might make me suddenly die. That is what I mean when I say it is completely overwhelming. I have lost my mind.
Thank you everyone for all of your help. I will not do anything stupid right now. The pain just seems to multiply. I feel like I am on my proverbial deathbed. I don't mean that as a threat of suicide. But it is a sense and a feeling. It is gotten so bad. There are no words for it. I've decided that I deserve it. That is certainly the worst part.
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herbavore
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You do not deserve any of it. Not addiction, not the confusion that opened that door for you. You are a kind young man that I have known for over two years now through Bluelight. I don't really believe that people deserve much of what they get--neither pain and suffering nor reward. Much of life is random starting with the nature you are born with and the biological family your nature lands in, the place and time of your birth, whether you step off a curb at one moment or the next, if the bus that was supposed to be there at that time was late or not. Where does deserving fit into the complex web of circumstances that influence a life?
Try not to convince yourself that you are at fault, that you need to shoulder this guilt and shame. Take all that out of it and the facts are clear: your body needs you to stop before your organs are irreparably damaged and your mind needs an infusion of hope so that you can get your body the help it needs.
Try not to convince yourself that you are at fault, that you need to shoulder this guilt and shame. Take all that out of it and the facts are clear: your body needs you to stop before your organs are irreparably damaged and your mind needs an infusion of hope so that you can get your body the help it needs.
blahman8000
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herbavore, thank you. You are more helpful than I can convey. I really appreciate your kindness and help.
I have a difficult time drawing attention to myself this way. We all have problems. My ability to cope with my own problems is proving weak, though. This very post will make me feel like such a nuisance. This has become impossible.
It feels as if it is all my fault.
I have a difficult time drawing attention to myself this way. We all have problems. My ability to cope with my own problems is proving weak, though. This very post will make me feel like such a nuisance. This has become impossible.
It feels as if it is all my fault.
blahman8000
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I am considering praying. I am at a level of desperation that I couldn't have imagined before. Ignore this thread if I am a bother. It's very possible that I am.
herbavore
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You are not a bother. This is a community that comes together for the sole purpose of getting and giving support. You've got me really worried with your lack of eating and the intensity with which you are turning this in on yourself. Being a bother would be trolling someone's thread or being abusive. Opening up about what is going on in your life (and in your heart and mind) is why this forum exists. There is nothing wrong with praying even if you don't know who or what you are praying to. Prayer can be a way to give yourself compassion if nothing else.
Are you still thinking of checking into a hospital? There is no shame in it. I've done it more than once. You have to find a way to take care of yourself.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1T7i-f2m57k
blahman8000
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The song you posted is wonderful. I listened to it multiple times. I appreciate it very much. And I really appreciate your concern.
The hospital seems like my only choice, I guess. As sick as it sounds, though, I am worried over the fact that I won't be able to drink. Therefore I will simply be sitting with my thoughts, like I am now. I am editing this post from what I wrote hours ago because I wrote about what might happen to me regarding my mortality if I continue this way. By now it's obvious.
I suppose I'll just post a few portions from a poem. I certainly didn't write this, but I do think there are parts of this poem that speak loud and clear:
"there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock
people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.
people just are not good to each other
one on one.
the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.
we are afraid.
our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.
it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.
or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone
untouched
unspoken to
watering a plant.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
I suppose they never will be.
I don't ask them to be.
but sometimes I think about
it."
"too much
too little
too fat
too thin
or nobody
more haters than lovers.
people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were
our deaths would not be so sad."
"who put this brain inside of me?
it cries
it demands
it says that there is a chance.
it will not say
no."
The hospital seems like my only choice, I guess. As sick as it sounds, though, I am worried over the fact that I won't be able to drink. Therefore I will simply be sitting with my thoughts, like I am now. I am editing this post from what I wrote hours ago because I wrote about what might happen to me regarding my mortality if I continue this way. By now it's obvious.
I suppose I'll just post a few portions from a poem. I certainly didn't write this, but I do think there are parts of this poem that speak loud and clear:
"there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock
people so tired
mutilated
either by love or no love.
people just are not good to each other
one on one.
the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.
we are afraid.
our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners.
it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.
or the terror of one person
aching in one place
alone
untouched
unspoken to
watering a plant.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
I suppose they never will be.
I don't ask them to be.
but sometimes I think about
it."
"too much
too little
too fat
too thin
or nobody
more haters than lovers.
people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were
our deaths would not be so sad."
"who put this brain inside of me?
it cries
it demands
it says that there is a chance.
it will not say
no."
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Captain.Heroin
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It can be really hard but just look yourself in the mirror and forgive yourself
LilikoiMoon
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I have guilt over the murder of my then 3 year old son...why did I have to workthat day, why did I leave him, why didn't I see warning signs, etc.
Truth is, I have also wanted to die many times and in my despair and grief during the first few years, I came pretty close, but something in me kept fighting.
Listen, I ask you to write down all the positives and negatives in your life and realize that when we are under the influence of drugs and alcohol, we are not ourselves, we do and say hurtful and crazy things. We have all been there, we have. Relationships get strained, we get depressed and no matter how hard we try to be positive, negativity creeps in.
You are special to those you love, I can tell this in your post. And you are not too far gone to be redeemed, to love YOU again, and become anew.
Part of being an addict is realizing that you are an addict, understanding that there is help for your addiction and you can change if you want.
- Set realistic goals for yourself .. Even if you relapse, know that you can do this, even if you have moments of weakness.
- Forgive .. Yes, forgive you first and forgive those you love second. And know that eveyone has different personalities and we sometimes clash but learn to be grateful for the little things in a relationship.
- Lastly, understand that we damage our brains and bodies with addiction. I don't care if people disagree, we do. Once you burn up the natural pleasure zone, it takes time to heal and sometimes it never does fully, but learn to be happy again. Try exercising, volunteering, etc and take it slow.
Vitamins, eating healthy, cutting your alcohol consumption safely daily, weekly, monthly.
Never quit drinking cold turkey, it's dangerous.
And try to get help with the underlying depression. Of course chemical imbalance combined with alcohol is major. Maybe medications and therapy can help.
I wish you all the best. Hang in there. Hugs.
Truth is, I have also wanted to die many times and in my despair and grief during the first few years, I came pretty close, but something in me kept fighting.
Listen, I ask you to write down all the positives and negatives in your life and realize that when we are under the influence of drugs and alcohol, we are not ourselves, we do and say hurtful and crazy things. We have all been there, we have. Relationships get strained, we get depressed and no matter how hard we try to be positive, negativity creeps in.
You are special to those you love, I can tell this in your post. And you are not too far gone to be redeemed, to love YOU again, and become anew.
Part of being an addict is realizing that you are an addict, understanding that there is help for your addiction and you can change if you want.
- Set realistic goals for yourself .. Even if you relapse, know that you can do this, even if you have moments of weakness.
- Forgive .. Yes, forgive you first and forgive those you love second. And know that eveyone has different personalities and we sometimes clash but learn to be grateful for the little things in a relationship.
- Lastly, understand that we damage our brains and bodies with addiction. I don't care if people disagree, we do. Once you burn up the natural pleasure zone, it takes time to heal and sometimes it never does fully, but learn to be happy again. Try exercising, volunteering, etc and take it slow.
Vitamins, eating healthy, cutting your alcohol consumption safely daily, weekly, monthly.
Never quit drinking cold turkey, it's dangerous.
And try to get help with the underlying depression. Of course chemical imbalance combined with alcohol is major. Maybe medications and therapy can help.
I wish you all the best. Hang in there. Hugs.
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blahman8000
Bluelighter
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- Dec 3, 2009
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- 691
Thank you for your kind words. I am in the hospital. The reason I gave was for psych treatment and detox. I arrived at the emergency room, where they told me they had a bed arranged at the psych ward I requested and that I`d be there within 2 hours. Then they said there was a mistake and perhaps I`d have one the next day. Then a few minutes ago I was told my issues do not warrant a bed there afterall. I tried.
blahman8000
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LilikoiMoon, I want to thank you for your honesty. I cannot imagine what you had to go through. Your strength is clear. Thank you so much for your advice.
So I went back to the hospital, feeling suicidal and had another difficult time there. I was told a few times that I had a bed at a short term psychiatric hospital and then it was suddenly declined twice, due to walk-ins. It's a long story, but I was one of three people there for psychiatric issues, was the first to be told that I had a spot arranged at the hospital, and then was the only one there denied. There was some kind of error on behalf of the hospital, but I still didn't lose my patience. Eventually they arranged to get me there.
My initial meeting there was with a psychiatrist. He seemed kind and intelligent. I was essentially diagnosed with OCD on the spot, which I completely understand and I believe is accurate. Later on, during my time spent there, I was again diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety, and OCD. Unfortunately, after having spent some time there, I was told that my insurance would not cover residential rehab, which was my objective. They claimed that I ought to try outpatient treatment first.
So I have an appointment with a mental health professional. I am now on medication and have been since being there. I relapsed after leaving, which I understand was the wrong decision. However, I do detect some improvement from the meds, regardless of the alcohol use. I still become sad and still occasionally feel somewhat hopeless, but am not where I was a month ago. The summer was a very trying time for me.
I still drink. Based on liver enzyme tests, I will most likely die within a few years if I don't stop. I want to stop. However, death seems like a welcome option compared to sobriety once the alcohol wears off. I don't know what to do.
So I went back to the hospital, feeling suicidal and had another difficult time there. I was told a few times that I had a bed at a short term psychiatric hospital and then it was suddenly declined twice, due to walk-ins. It's a long story, but I was one of three people there for psychiatric issues, was the first to be told that I had a spot arranged at the hospital, and then was the only one there denied. There was some kind of error on behalf of the hospital, but I still didn't lose my patience. Eventually they arranged to get me there.
My initial meeting there was with a psychiatrist. He seemed kind and intelligent. I was essentially diagnosed with OCD on the spot, which I completely understand and I believe is accurate. Later on, during my time spent there, I was again diagnosed with depression, generalized anxiety, and OCD. Unfortunately, after having spent some time there, I was told that my insurance would not cover residential rehab, which was my objective. They claimed that I ought to try outpatient treatment first.
So I have an appointment with a mental health professional. I am now on medication and have been since being there. I relapsed after leaving, which I understand was the wrong decision. However, I do detect some improvement from the meds, regardless of the alcohol use. I still become sad and still occasionally feel somewhat hopeless, but am not where I was a month ago. The summer was a very trying time for me.
I still drink. Based on liver enzyme tests, I will most likely die within a few years if I don't stop. I want to stop. However, death seems like a welcome option compared to sobriety once the alcohol wears off. I don't know what to do.
HappyMondays
Greenlighter
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Long time lurker. First post.
How are you holding up? Are you coping? I do not mean to pry, but after reading this thread last night I've been thinking of it constantly. I don't know why. Your story really got to me somehow. Felt like my heart was being torn out.
I'm hardly the guy to give anyone advice on how to live properly, so I'll try to restrain myself. Not easy, though. What you inferred about sexual abuse, the descriptions of guilt and self destructive behaviour is absolutely horrible. No person in the world should have to deal with shit like that. Perhaps I am childish, but it makes me so goddamn angry.
Is the hospital doing anything for you?
How are you holding up? Are you coping? I do not mean to pry, but after reading this thread last night I've been thinking of it constantly. I don't know why. Your story really got to me somehow. Felt like my heart was being torn out.
I'm hardly the guy to give anyone advice on how to live properly, so I'll try to restrain myself. Not easy, though. What you inferred about sexual abuse, the descriptions of guilt and self destructive behaviour is absolutely horrible. No person in the world should have to deal with shit like that. Perhaps I am childish, but it makes me so goddamn angry.
Is the hospital doing anything for you?
ihearthemoose
Bluelighter
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- Oct 3, 2014
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