hmm perhaps I should have slightly explained my situation in accordance with general forum etiquette
From the ages of 16-18 I didnt really have to do it at all considering the only drugs I used were marijuana and mushrooms. Both of these were consumed with either my friends or my brother so I did not feel the need to be discreet about anything. I had to hide this from my parents of course, but I don't even consider that a double life since I wasn't really lying when I told them "I am going to hang out with so and so", I just didn't tell them that me and so-and-so were taking shrooms in the woods.
Then I started getting into other drugs, with opiates being the big catalyst for this. No longer was I even hanging out with "so-and-so", I was simply going to my dealer, buying drugs, and driving around to various places smoking weed before returning home.
I was still telling my family I was hanging out with friends of course, only after a while they probably started noticing that they didn't come over our house anymore. But since I had a car and never really had a lot of friends to begin with, it wasn't anything they could really question me over too intently.
My brother was also using opiates, albeit in a slightly different form. He was more involved with pharms (mainly oxy) whereas I used oxy for a little bit but switched to heroin rather quickly. I still would hide my usage from him because I swore off getting family involved in any drug besides weed a long time ago. My brother has a habit of not pulling his weight in life, and opiates force you to be selfish with your stash so it would never work. Instead of pooling our efforts together, I distanced myself from him as much as possible and eventually he got on Suboxone almost a year ago. He was on subs for about 3 months, got off them, and has been relatively clean since then. I mean, he's definitely been high on opiates around me since then because I can just tell when he is, but he really doesn't have the connections to buy Roxis everyday anymore.
It just became incredibly annoying because some of the people I would get heroin with I met through my brother and still were friends with him. And this is mainly a problem because here's the honest to god truth:
I don't tell him what to do with his life, and I don't tell our parents anything he does either.
He says he doesn't care what I do with my life, until I tell him that I have taken __, __, and ___
at which point he tries to bring up all the negative stereotypes you hear about users of drugs such as meth, heroin, LSD, etc
not to mention he has ratted me out on several occasions. One time when I was in 12th grade, I skipped school to take LSD with 2 other friends and the school called and left a message on our answering machine saying I was absent. Not only did he tell my parents about it, he texted me (while I was on acid) asking if I could give him a ride to the bar that night. I said that I couldn't because I was already drinking at my friend's house and he just said "ok no big deal" and I remember thinking like "well that's cool because I cant drive NO WHERE right now lol"
not even 15 minutes later both him and my dad are at my friend's house telling me to call it a night for skipping school. Now I was well past the peak of the LSD trip, and not even really "tripping" at that point to say the least, but that seriously fucked with my head for life man. How am I supposed to trust this fuck with anything? He would brag about how he skipped school to me all the fucking time, and now he's ratting me out because I couldn't give him a ride to the bar?
And to lie about it over the phone in order to find out where I was so he could crash my night without me knowing? Who the fuck does that?
so from that point on, not only were my parents on the list of People to Lie to, my brother was too. And he is such an extrovert it's fucking pathetic. He literally follows me around the house trying to talk to me about absolutely nothing in particular and when I finally turn around and say "dude, I don't care", he just gets all pissy and says something to the effect of "oh SORRY to bother you" or "my bad for thinking you'd be interested in this" and I don't know how else to convey that it's not even the subject im dis-interested in (although in his case most of the time it is as well), it's just YOU period.
He will take any alcohol left around the house, hidden or not, and he seriously never knows when to shut the fuck up. Even after he makes a mistake (which happens multiple times a day), he can't stop trying to apologize for it and making self-depreciating comments about how stupid he is for doing it as if him being angry at himself will make me feel less annoyed at the situation.
And I know I just sound like I am being too hard on him but it's at the point now where he doesn't hang out with any of his old friends either, they are tired of his shit too.
So I'm basically one of the few people he still is able to communicate with and therefore he does the only thing he knows how to do, bother whoever will listen.
And it seriously makes me depressed because after I tell him im not interested in his conversation I can see the sadness in his eyes as he walks away but I'm just emotionally dead to it at this point.
I've already wasted away years of my own life with drug addictions and by passing up on things I should have taken advantage of, I really don't have any more emotions to feel bad about his mental state.
I know it wouldn't be that hard for me to talk to people about things, but honestly, it really is that hard.
I can't even explain it, it's not really anxiety, it's not anything that's a result of a traumatic experience, it's not something I do in order to feel better about myself,
I just genuinely don't want to socialize with people because I would rather use drugs instead and have always found ways to entertain myself with supplemental forms of it in addition to drug habits.
I guess you could say I am depressed, but my family is also dysfunctional as fuck. I always feel a lot more upbeat and optimistic about things when I don't have to interact with them. But that only goes so far, I already don't really talk to my family a whole lot
No, my problem is with society in general. I'm sick of not being able to talk about drugs in-depth with someone without being viewed as a junky. I'm sick of wanting to ask someone if they smoke weed so bad knowing that we would get along great but never do because you don't know how they'd react.
I'm sick of always being told "hey youre so funny man!" or "hey that advice you gave me really helped, thanks alot" or "hey you did a really good job with that"
by people who if I turned around and said "well that's because I was on heroin", they would never look at me the same again.
So I live a double life to just about everyone I interact with outside of a few people (who I don't even really know that well in all honesty), because it is easier than trying to justify my actual life to them.
I'm just sick of doing it though. I don't want to do this for the rest of my life. I want to do normal things that normal people do. I just don't know how to ease back into it. I literally have no friends I could go to bars with and do not talk to anyone from high school. I'm not going to be the creeper who goes to the bar solo and I don't even really like drinking that much to be honest.
Now if there was some kind of marijuana bar, sure, I'd probably really enjoy that.
But there isn't, and it fucking pisses me off that is is easier for me to just conform to society and do the normal social routines in order to keep my sanity rather than be able to do what I truly want to do.
And I'm aware of that Rolling Stones song and everything, but considering I don't really ask much from anyone in society ever, why the fuck cant I go into a store and buy any drug I want? All I've done is held a job since I was 14 and treat people with respect my whole life. I might not have been at on-their-dick levels of friendliness, but I'll hold the fucking door for someone to say the least. I'll help setup and cleanup for family parties because my grandfather has catered enough of them in his lifetime. I'll watch my grandmother with Alzheimer's for an hour or two so my other Grandfather can get some errands done. I'll fix your computer for free and tell you how to not fuck it up again. I'll tell you how to save money when shopping in my store of employment and point out which brands are on sale. I always would loan my family members $20-100 dollars if they REALLY needed it and not be up their ass looking for it back because I knew they just didnt have it yet and weren't going to sheist me. I always try and stick up for people who are getting talked shit on behind their backs without ratting the people who were doing the bitching out as well. I'll be the first one to bring up a positive trait of someone who is being put down over their negative traits. If I'm working with someone who has a bad knee or back I'm the first to say "hey man dont worry about the bottom shelf stuff, I'll put that out". If one of my co-workers gets jumped by a customer with some ridiculous question I'm the first one to be the third man in and try and maneuver everyone out of the situation. The mere presence of a third person can make any conversation flow a thousand times smoother but my managers don't even fucking glance at you. They take people who have worked at a liquor store for 3 days and throw them to the wolves with customers then get all bitchy when they just get asked to help the same customer anyway except after 3 minutes of a horribly awkward and failure of a conversation that just makes the new employee feel incredibly discouraged. I really don't even know a whole lot about wine, I just know how to tell people what they want to here. It's not even about actually knowing everything about the product, people just want you to tell them the shit they are too lazy to read right off the fucking bottle. "hm well if you're looking for a Pinot Grigio, Italy is noted for that and we have a couple different ones on sale right now. This one has been flying off the shelves this month and is highly recommended by our wine expert". And usually they just go "great! thanks!" and walk away. And I don't even know what the fuck I just sold them, but odds are they will think it is good because I told them it was a popular seller.
and the managers above me act like the store we work at is so fucking challenging to work at based off financial records alone, considering we are definitely in the top 5-10% of the state as far as straight profits go.
The only caveat to that is that people who shop here also have MONEY to blow on this shit. Housewives with fake titties and nothing better to do all day come in and drop $300+ on wine for dinner over the next 3 days and don't even bat an eye.
"how much? 374.99? ok you guys take American Express right?"
*swipe*
"ok have a good oneeee" and you know they dont give a fuck about you because their voice just trails off into nothing around when they are switching from "good" to "one" and you no longer are of service to them without a bagging station in front of you.
wow this went on a rant about absolutely nothing except that it pisses me off that I bust my ass for people everyday whether it's at work, at home, or just random people I encounter in life and no matter how much I help people I will always be looked at as a junky.
I could save a child from a burning building in the ghetto and the cops would just ask me why I was down there in the first place.
I get to listen to countless nighttime plans from people who are getting "blacked out drunk tonight" as I give them their receipt and everyone within ear shot just laughs and makes comments in the "been there, done that" kind of tone.
yet if I want to mention in passing, "gee man it's gonna feel really good to get out of work, go home, do some dope, and chill out for the night"
you'd think I would never do any of those positive things I said earlier again
so I never say that, to anyone. So I now have two lives. And unless I move to Switzerland or something, I don't see how that will change, ever.
It's just a matter of how long I want to keep living it. Not forever, I know that much for sure, but it is hard to just switch back into your old life when the grass always seems greener depending on whichever one im living at the time.
I want to be able to make friends and have people I can socialize with, but at the same time, sometimes I just want to do what I have always done best, enjoy my alone time. It just so happens that heroin is probably the number one way of doing that unfortunately.
