Planning to relapse b/c drugs bring happiness

[TaoistPLUR]

I am writing this to garner advice and support from you, my fellow addicts. I am in a jam. I feel like relapsing. In fact, I am actively planning my relapse, while consciously aware that I am doing it. But I am torn, a simple “don’t do it because think of all you will be throwing away” or “You don’t need drugs to be happy” just won’t cut it.

I feel like using drugs and alcohol again (My main DOC’s were Marijuana, Alcohol, and a little bit of Ecstasy every now and then) because I am finding there just isn’t the same “magic” to life that drugs and alcohol brings. No matter how many delicious foods I eat, walks I go for, fun activities I engage in, etc etc, nothing (and I mean NOTHING) compares to sitting in front of my laptop for an evening with 2 bottles of wine and a fat sack of medicinal grade weed to listen to music, watch TV shows, porn, etc etc. That produces magical feelings/sensations/perceptions. Or every 3 months popping a cap of E and just rolling balls for an evening.

I wish I never knew how good drugs and alcohol could feel. What’s more, is that they are GUARENTEED forms of happiness (albeit temporary and artificially induced, they still produce subjectively “happy” states which cannot be denied), whereas there are no guarantees that my day to day sober life will be happy (in fact many days suck). So I look around and begin to wonder “if we are not on this planet for very long, I would consider a good life one in which you get to experience the most amount of happiness during your brief stay here” – so WHY NOT smoke drugs and drink every day?? In the long run sure it will stunt your growth, and make you generally overall unhappy, BUT AT LEAST FOR A FEW TIMES EVERYDAY (EG. WAKE & BAKE – FIRST FEW SHOTS OF BOOZE) YOU ARE GUARANTEED TO FEEL HAPPY.

This is my dilemma. I know that at any moment I can have this happiness. I wish I never knew how good they felt. I am almost 5 months clean & sober. I currently work as a client support worker at a drug & alcohol rehab center helping other addicts, and the more I’m there, the more I realize that eventually EVERYONE goes out again. What do they know that I don’t? I’ll tell you what, they know how to have a good friggin time im starting to think. Maybe im writing this just to vent, but I am seriously starting to have thoughts like “Just save up enough money (say $3000) to rent a $500/month place that is relatively decent and spend 2 months just sitting on the couch relapsing. This will give me a grand each month to blow on weed and booze (which if I moderate correctly, I should be able to do) – the key phrase there is “should be able to do” – Im aware I haven’t been able to do that in the past. But my addict brain says who cares, just go hard for as long as you can until your money runs out, and then go back to treatment again and do it all over (i.e. burn it all down again, then start over- repeat cycle).

Please smart internet people, tell me what I should do. I’m dying to hear how you can provide an argument against Epicurean Hedonism.
The end

 

[BlueSaffron]

You say nothing is as good as drugs. What about love? Not "dating someone who seems nice because you seem nice and they seem nice and isn't that nice" or just getting laid. I mean the real thing. Crazy passion for each other, and utter contentment just being in their arms. Have you experienced that before?

As a hardcore heroin addict (who's tapering on methadone right now trying to get clean), the only thing thats given me the same bliss and euphoria - well not the same, even better actually- Better than a speedball even- is love.

Humans aren't meant to be in bliss 24-7. We're meant to go out and work for it. Sure you could sit in front of the computer drunk and high and watch porn... But nothing about that seems a little sad to you? I don't say that to be condescending-for years i got high on heroin and sat at home watching tv or being on the net... And you know what? I wish i had those years back. I couldve had something better all that time- i just didnt realize it.

Its ultimately your life and your decision. No one can "convince" you to be sober or talk you out of using. But if you settle for just getting high in front of your computer, youre settling for less.

Also- the urge isnt going to magically go away. I think you already know this, but your two month planned binge-even if you could do it and stop after two months, its not like thatll make the urge magically go away forever after that. It just doesnt work that way. If it did, you wouldnt be craving right now-your last run wouldve been enough.

If life isnt fullfilling right now, why not try switching something up first, before you resort to drugs?

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Marijuana and alcohol are both substances which millions of people worldwide partake in (to various degrees) and still maintain productive careers, relationships, friendships, etc. Did you find that your usage of said drugs was negatively impacting your life, thus giving you the impetus to quit? If so, wouldn't that original cessation of use & the reasons for it be the strongest argument against relapsing?

If you can juggle your responsibilities to other people and yourself while simultaneously indulging in weed & booze every now and then, I don't really see a problem with that personally, but...

 

[neversickanymore]

Your definitely right there.. cycle of addiction the only thing thats next is active use. Whats even more worrying is the black and white addict thinking combining with the fucking rehab nonsense that tells you that once you start you will automatically implode, combining with the grand delusion of them all.. that your going to do anything thats pleasurable.. do you know why you think you feel good when that first bowl hits or those shots hit everyday.. because your in utter misery the rest of the time.

And really your not going to even try and pull off successful use.. your just going to jump right into utter isolation and resign yourself to a pathetic three month binge, where you put no effort into anything.

Thats pathetic. Why dont you leave the booze out of the picrure for good. Go trip boomers to get your head strate. Get that rehab bullshit out of your mind.. put in work on yourself that will heal you. Change your thinking and behavior yo promote a good and peaceful life.

Im going down to the puter to finish this

 

[TaoistPLUR]

BlueSaffron:

"Also- the urge isnt going to magically go away. I think you already know this, but your two month planned binge-even if you could do it and stop after two months, its not like thatll make the urge magically go away forever after that. It just doesnt work that way. If it did, you wouldnt be craving right now-your last run wouldve been enough."

THIS. This is what I was looking for. Your right, if I relapsed I would have to start all over again in terms of reliving the intense cravings that come during early sobriety all over again. I didn't pay much attention to that with my euphoric recall & all.
Regarding love. I have experienced love once (for 3 years during high school) and I completely agree with you - it is the only feeling/sensation that tops drug use. However I haven't been in love, nevermind laid in 12 years (since high school & that 3 year relationship), so you see, this is yet another argument my addict brain tells me is a good reason to use again, because no girls talk/look/are interested in me and therefor I am denied the powerful feeling that is love. When your alone for 12 years with no romantic relationship at all, it starts to eat away at you. You start to internalize it as some indication that you are flawed, unworthy or otherwise no good. I have been sober for almost 5 months now, and it still doesn't look good.

Burnt Offerings: Regarding moderate usage, no I couldn't do it, nor do I think I ever will be able to. I spent all my money on it, went into debt, flunked out of university, hurt relationships, lost all my friends, did stupid shit, etc etc you know the story. But my addict brain tells me that is all nothing compared to the good feelings drugs bring.

Your both right, I will have to make a decision. And I will. Venting on this forum will perhaps provide some cathartic release and much needed feedback, and afterall, every recovery program I know of prescribes talking to others about your using thoughts, which is exactly what im doing, so maybe I wont relapse after all. Thank you intranets

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

It's not worth it. But sometimes you have to figure that out for yourself.

You wrote about how people at work go out. Have you tried meeting people or making new friends, or going to places that don't involve drinking alcohol, or smoking herb?

 

[neversickanymore]

You know what go for it. Save up that chintzy little stack. Sit alone and drink and smoke and masterbate. have at it. But, why dont you take a minute and give us a detailed description on how you think this is going to be as an experience. So take the few minutes it would take to write a detailed description on how you are going to feal on a typical day three weeks into this, just what you will do and how you will feal when you do it. Please dont include any heartbreak about how your life will disappear as you must not have one that you care about at this point. We will be happy to tear it to shreds.. your in utter addict fantasy land.

 

[TaoistPLUR]

With pleasure...a typical day in the thick of my addiction would consist of waking up and blazing - which feels fucking great. Then, probably go to the liquor store and get some crown or stoli, come back drink about a micky and watch youtube/listen to music. Music sounds fucking great when your drunk and high. the content of thinking changes, noticeably, when one does this. This is the magic I am referring to. This is also the magic that is absent in my day to day life living clean sober, and whats worse is that NOTHING even comes close to replicating those feelings of happiness. What im really advocating/considering doing, is living my life in a Epicurean Hedonism where I try to experience the most amount of pleasure I can during my life, because life is short.
The downsides of the above scenario are obvious and I can list them all without denial or self-delusion. Getting fat, going broke, bad health, anxiety, depression, isolation, shattered relationships, guilt, shame, poor choices just to name a few.
The fucked up thing is that every now and then, as im sure you have also experienced, is that my addict voice will suggest that these are no biggie so long as I get high. must get high.

 

[Corazon]

You seem to be at a stage where you are glorifying your old drug use, and forgetting the reason(s) you stopped using.

I do the same with drinking once in a blue moon. - I go out and get some alcohol and and then after a day or three of drinking, I remember exactly why I don't drink. Thankfully it's been happening less and less frequently.

And if using didn't fuck up YOUR life, YOU wouldn't have quit in the first place.

Use some logic.
Address the underlying problem that is making you desperately feel like escaping life. We've all smoked weed and drank alcohol, and while fun on occasion, it isn't rational to want trade your life for excessive binges.

Address your underlying problems.

 

[421]

You say nothing is as good as drugs. What about love? Not "dating someone who seems nice because you seem nice and they seem nice and isn't that nice" or just getting laid. I mean the real thing. Crazy passion for each other, and utter contentment just being in their arms. Have you experienced that before?

To me this is akin to telling someone in financial trouble to go win the lottery. Drugs are actually available, for anyone. Then again... wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction.

 

[neversickanymore]

The most enjoyable part of a relapse is fantasising about it.

If you do this you will realize from the very first hit of grass that you have been played by your own mind. In your fantasies you only are fed the good parts and as soon as you take the grass you will get hit by the awkward feeling. The disconnected feeling. The anxiety. The paranoia. It will be unpleasant so you will head to the liquor store to get something to chill yourself out. You will be figuring that you are no longer accustomed to smoking. You will grab your liquor and head back to drink it. You will poor a glass and drink it down. The anxiety from the grass will cease.. you will feal pretty good for an hour and then that feeling will be gone. You will smoke some more and listen to the music. In your head the negative emotions and thoughts will start to fester.. but not to worry they wont be really bad for a few days. You will continue to redose the liquor.. kinda puzzling why its not hitting you like you remember.. the wacked out feeling in your brain will soon overpower any little bit of euphoria. you will drink and smoke yourself into a pleasant stupor the first night. You will awake to a very strong alcohol hangover/withdrawal in the morning. Your mouth will taste like a dry toilet, you will feal shaky and anxious. You are not really to happy at this point.

Not to worry right.. little grass and a little food will take care of that.. shit by by waste time... the joint does not make you feal that good, infact it makes you feal worse. Your throats sore from the booze and snoring all passed out. You brush your teeth but that doesn't help. Your head is sore, your stomach is upset. But hey your just a drink or two away from feeling good right. So you mix yourself a hair of the dog, fruit juice or vegetable juice morning cocktail.. in a few days there wont be any mixer and you will be miserably slugging down strait buze, praying you get to a place where you feel 80% as good as you do everyday right now. Choking the vomit back down so as not to loose the precious booze. The porn has long since dulled and after a few marathon sessions the booze combines with the a developing porn tolerance and has you jacking of with a half stiffie to pathetic orgasms. (sorry if you are female I just took male because I am)

You wake up sick, you chase it partly away for a few minutes with each slog and hit, but you feal worse all day then you do 97% of the time right now.. It has not turned out at all like you remembered it.. you stricken with all the guilt , shame, remorse, embarrassment, and spend your days in missouri. Why was it not like you remembered?

Because it was never that way. It was a fantasy that was wielded upon you to drive you to use.

Learn the weapons of how addiction works and they loose there power. Learn to spot them and you wont get played. Getting played sucks.

 

[dankplantgrower]

If you must do it, keep it in moderation. Specifically the alcohol. I feel you because reading your post I had your exact same attitude and demeanor regarding life, sobriety, pot, and booze at a time. But watch the fuckin booze dude, it will tear your body and your life up. You only get 1 body. Heavy alcoholism crept up on me so thoroughly I didnt even notice it happening, and then my life just crumbled to shit around me because of it. It started off with a tallcan at night and partying til drunk on the weekends. Then 211 forty ouncers came around for nearly the same price as a tallcan of Mickeys, and then I was up to a 40 a night and getting trashed on weekends still. Soon after I needed alcohol to feel "right" when I was relaxing, no matter how much weed I had. I was just restless whether I was watching TV or playing video games or whatever it was, that beer was always on the edge of my mind. I started hanging out with some buddies who drank heavy, and then I was up to 2 40-oz bottles every night. I would beer bong entire 40s.

Soon my beer cravings got to the point I started drinking on the job. If there was anything left in the 40 bottles from the night before Id even drink them before work. I kept it on the DL enough at first, always chewed gum and never got sloppy drunk. I got too comfortable with it though and started bringing beer into the warehouse in sealed coffee cups. I lost my first job for drinking on the job when my supervisor knocked it over one day and malt liquor spilled out all over the floor in front of everybody. They took me into the payroll office, cut me a check, and lectured me for awhile. One supervisor even attempted to make me walk home because he didnt want me driving I guess, tried to block the driveway exit with his car, but I just straight rolled off the curb next to him real slow. During the next couple weeks as my money ran thin, I discovered that a 5th of vodka was only $5 and I could get twice as drunk for less than the price of 2 40s. It even lasted me 2 days back then... It was like I spent half the money and I got twice as fucked up. I was loving it. It was the downfall of my life. Ive never been able to live without it since.

I drink first thing in the morning because my hands shake like I have Parkinsons disease. I dont even catch a buzz. My equilibrium is off without alcohol, I walk like Im buzzed if Im sober. I fear falling in the shower and injuring myself if Im sober, I had a near miss one time scared the shit out of me. Ive lost at least 5 jobs due to drinking, either smelling like it, getting snitched on, or just getting straight smashed at work. Last time I was fired, I brought a half gallon to work and blacked out at some point, my coworkers found me passed out behind the bushes outside the break area. My girlfriend of 8 years took my kids and left me because I was just sloppy all the time and I would ocasionally tell her mean things in blackouts. Ive woken up with a broken nose and a shirt soaked with blood with no idea what happened. Ditto with a massive gash on my forehead that luckily healed into just a 2 inch scar. Ive been to rehab twice and been kicked out for jumping the wall at night and sneaking in pints of vodka. I lost the love of my life and can only see my kids 4 times a month. Despair and depression are common. When Im broke I live in fear of seizures and strokes from alcohol withdrawals. All of this shit, all started from a tallcan of beer at night.

Sorry to write up such a huge post but I cant stress enough how careful you need to be with alcohol. Reading your post, I was exactly like you. I felt like I was reading a post by me from 10 years ago. If you can, stick to the weed and weed only.

 

[WC2]

Taoist, funny because we're in a similar spot. Yes, we have different vices but it is all the same.

-You get high and sit at home and listen to music and watch youtube videos.
-I on the other hand, sit at home, listen to music, hit on girls online, and once in awhile browse porn. On some occasions when I use, I'll end up going out. But those are seeming to come few and far between.

I guess what my point is.. yes pleasure is great. Short-term this is great.. If I could do this for the next 3 months, Yes I'd do it. Hell, I've been doing it for the past 10 months and enjoying it.

But the results? I have watched those around me grow older and find natural things they love. Whether it's a love of another human (e.g. Bluesaffron), love of a hobby (either a previous one you love or a new one you've found), love of their family (new and old), and love of their friends (new and old).

And what have I been doing? Chasing women, watching porn, and smoking cigarettes while snorting painkillers.

So if you put more of a long-term perspective on these things, you'll understand that life can't go on like this forever. Eventually you'll end up being one of these washed out losers that everyone runs away from, or you'll die in your own vomit. Either way, I wouldn't call that 'trying to experience the most amount of pleasure you can during your life.' On the contrary, you're fooling your brain into thinking "youtube and music" are your only pleasures, because the real pleasure (the drugs) are making you lazy and convincing you to sit around and do practically nothing.

How's that for a brain f*ck?

I'm battling the same 'will to quit problem'. However that question seems to fade when I look at others around me enjoying REAL things in life. What do I mean REAL things? I mean going on a hike and smelling nature and building a campfire, making love to your girl in your tent for the night. I mean finding a hobby like playing drums and really FREAKING enjoying it to the point where it's an addiction itself. I mean actually ENJOYING going out to dinner with someone you love because you legitimately enjoy their company and how their face glows.

These are the things drugs hold us back from. Don't fool yourself.. there is more to life than music and youtube videos.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I relapsed a couple of weeks ago because my head was getting to me so much. It helped for a few hours but was undoubtedly the wrong thing to do, I paid for a few hours of happiness and was knocked mentally and physically for about a week after.

 

[herbavore]

Taoist, funny because we're in a similar spot. Yes, we have different vices but it is all the same.

-You get high and sit at home and listen to music and watch youtube videos.
-I on the other hand, sit at home, listen to music, hit on girls online, and once in awhile browse porn. On some occasions when I use, I'll end up going out. But those are seeming to come few and far between.

I guess what my point is.. yes pleasure is great. Short-term this is great.. If I could do this for the next 3 months, Yes I'd do it. Hell, I've been doing it for the past 10 months and enjoying it.

But the results? I have watched those around me grow older and find natural things they love. Whether it's a love of another human (e.g. Bluesaffron), love of a hobby (either a previous one you love or a new one you've found), love of their family (new and old), and love of their friends (new and old).

And what have I been doing? Chasing women, watching porn, and smoking cigarettes while snorting painkillers.

So if you put more of a long-term perspective on these things, you'll understand that life can't go on like this forever. Eventually you'll end up being one of these washed out losers that everyone runs away from, or you'll die in your own vomit. Either way, I wouldn't call that 'trying to experience the most amount of pleasure you can during your life.' On the contrary, you're fooling your brain into thinking "youtube and music" are your only pleasures, because the real pleasure (the drugs) are making you lazy and convincing you to sit around and do practically nothing.

How's that for a brain f*ck?

I'm battling the same 'will to quit problem'. However that question seems to fade when I look at others around me enjoying REAL things in life. What do I mean REAL things? I mean going on a hike and smelling nature and building a campfire, making love to your girl in your tent for the night. I mean finding a hobby like playing drums and really FREAKING enjoying it to the point where it's an addiction itself. I mean actually ENJOYING going out to dinner with someone you love because you legitimately enjoy their company and how their face glows.

These are the things drugs hold us back from. Don't fool yourself.. there is more to life than music and youtube videos.

Great post.

 

[Screaming_Skull]

Didn't read through all the comments, but, kinda in the same boat...just different drugs. I know Oxys are coming around soon, and I told myself I wouldn't do it this time...but I know I am. I've been trying to numb that thought by taking benzo's and other things along with my suboxone(I do have anxiety,but no script, and I end up taking way more than a medical dose so I can just not think about using when I REALLY wanna use, but low doses of a benzo help me to just feel normal/not anxious) anyway... it's hard, shits all around me everyday, totally realate, but instead of weed and booze in front of the laptop, its a nice shot of oxy with a lil' weed and maybe a xanax or two nodding in front of the laptop listening to music and watching tv and just not thinking about anything feeling great...but I don't wanna throw everything down the toilet so I try to stay on my meds, but I usually end up relapsing every month anyway..I'm begining to think Methadone would be a better choice for me...I don't know if my family really knows I was on the needle...think they think I was just poppin pills. Anyway, hang in there you are not alone...

 

[Bojangles2.0]

You got off for drugs for a clear reason and you have clearly forgot what that reason is.

Me personally, I don't talk people out of using. If you need to use that bad noone is going to stop you. But I can guarantee you 1 thing. All the problems that led you to quitting in the first place, they're just gonna come right back.

That's why I made audio and video diaries the last few months I was using xanax, pot and full agonist opiates. I'd make a recording every day with my mic/webcam basically talking to myself in the future.

Now, anytime I feel like relapsing, I go back and LISTEN to that version of me. I listen to my voice, I look at how awful I sounded. How awful I looked. How depressed I was. All the problems I had in my life. The way I'd slur words.

And I can tell you, watching those clips now helps me A LOT.

So if you DO relapse, once you get to the end of your run (who knows how long that will be), I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you journal EVERYTHING YOU CAN. And I don't mean a written journal. Get a mic and a webcam and RECORD yourself once things start to get bad. That way next time you quit, you can go right back into the past and remember EXACTLY what it use to be. You will have irrefutable evidence not to use. Something you can never forget.

I honestly can't tell you how much those recordings helped me. Cause anytime I get the urge to smoke pot, or pop a xanny, or take some poppies, I listen to those tapes and remember VIVIDLY, clear as day WHY I stopped using those drugs.

Good luck my friend.

 

[Screaming_Skull]

My last relaspe lasted 5/6 days...30 Roxis, 10 Percocet 10's and 10 norco 10's and some Klonopin/xanax...I still owe money on that shit...I've been having dreams lately of using, which have seemed very real, I dreamed someone was shooting me up in the neck and blood was literally squirting out of my neck but it didn't freak me out, it was like I was watching the person push down the plunger...wierd. I didn't get deep into the needle, but deep enough to make me look and see where I was going, and I didn't like it, but the dreams have really been getting to me lately....but that last run is what really got to me, usually I would just get some for a day or two, but this time it was like I didn't wanna stop, I just wanted to keep on going and going, but I ran outta money, and so I stole some money....i feel horrible about that, I really went back to how I was before I started Subs for a little bit.... Thats what I hate, not feeling in control and just wanting to keep going and going. But anyway, shall I start my own thread,lol. But good luck TPlur, as I said before your defineatly not alone in this.

 

[herbavore]

That's why I made audio and video diaries the last few months I was using xanax, pot and full agonist opiates. I'd make a recording every day with my mic/webcam basically talking to myself in the future.

Now, anytime I feel like relapsing, I go back and LISTEN to that version of me. I listen to my voice, I look at how awful I sounded. How awful I looked. How depressed I was. All the problems I had in my life. The way I'd slur words.

And I can tell you, watching those clips now helps me A LOT.

So if you DO relapse, once you get to the end of your run (who knows how long that will be), I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you journal EVERYTHING YOU CAN. And I don't mean a written journal. Get a mic and a webcam and RECORD yourself once things start to get bad. That way next time you quit, you can go right back into the past and remember EXACTLY what it use to be. You will have irrefutable evidence not to use. Something you can never forget.

Wow! Never thought of doing that but what a powerful tool to use. I have to say, Bo, you amaze me.

 

[Xorkoth]

That's a really good idea!