TaoistPLUR
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2013
- Messages
- 10
I am writing this to garner advice and support from you, my fellow addicts. I am in a jam. I feel like relapsing. In fact, I am actively planning my relapse, while consciously aware that I am doing it. But I am torn, a simple “don’t do it because think of all you will be throwing away” or “You don’t need drugs to be happy” just won’t cut it.
I feel like using drugs and alcohol again (My main DOC’s were Marijuana, Alcohol, and a little bit of Ecstasy every now and then) because I am finding there just isn’t the same “magic” to life that drugs and alcohol brings. No matter how many delicious foods I eat, walks I go for, fun activities I engage in, etc etc, nothing (and I mean NOTHING) compares to sitting in front of my laptop for an evening with 2 bottles of wine and a fat sack of medicinal grade weed to listen to music, watch TV shows, porn, etc etc. That produces magical feelings/sensations/perceptions. Or every 3 months popping a cap of E and just rolling balls for an evening.
I wish I never knew how good drugs and alcohol could feel. What’s more, is that they are GUARENTEED forms of happiness (albeit temporary and artificially induced, they still produce subjectively “happy” states which cannot be denied), whereas there are no guarantees that my day to day sober life will be happy (in fact many days suck). So I look around and begin to wonder “if we are not on this planet for very long, I would consider a good life one in which you get to experience the most amount of happiness during your brief stay here” – so WHY NOT smoke drugs and drink every day?? In the long run sure it will stunt your growth, and make you generally overall unhappy, BUT AT LEAST FOR A FEW TIMES EVERYDAY (EG. WAKE & BAKE – FIRST FEW SHOTS OF BOOZE) YOU ARE GUARANTEED TO FEEL HAPPY.
This is my dilemma. I know that at any moment I can have this happiness. I wish I never knew how good they felt. I am almost 5 months clean & sober. I currently work as a client support worker at a drug & alcohol rehab center helping other addicts, and the more I’m there, the more I realize that eventually EVERYONE goes out again. What do they know that I don’t? I’ll tell you what, they know how to have a good friggin time im starting to think. Maybe im writing this just to vent, but I am seriously starting to have thoughts like “Just save up enough money (say $3000) to rent a $500/month place that is relatively decent and spend 2 months just sitting on the couch relapsing. This will give me a grand each month to blow on weed and booze (which if I moderate correctly, I should be able to do) – the key phrase there is “should be able to do” – Im aware I haven’t been able to do that in the past. But my addict brain says who cares, just go hard for as long as you can until your money runs out, and then go back to treatment again and do it all over (i.e. burn it all down again, then start over- repeat cycle).
Please smart internet people, tell me what I should do. I’m dying to hear how you can provide an argument against Epicurean Hedonism.
The end
I feel like using drugs and alcohol again (My main DOC’s were Marijuana, Alcohol, and a little bit of Ecstasy every now and then) because I am finding there just isn’t the same “magic” to life that drugs and alcohol brings. No matter how many delicious foods I eat, walks I go for, fun activities I engage in, etc etc, nothing (and I mean NOTHING) compares to sitting in front of my laptop for an evening with 2 bottles of wine and a fat sack of medicinal grade weed to listen to music, watch TV shows, porn, etc etc. That produces magical feelings/sensations/perceptions. Or every 3 months popping a cap of E and just rolling balls for an evening.
I wish I never knew how good drugs and alcohol could feel. What’s more, is that they are GUARENTEED forms of happiness (albeit temporary and artificially induced, they still produce subjectively “happy” states which cannot be denied), whereas there are no guarantees that my day to day sober life will be happy (in fact many days suck). So I look around and begin to wonder “if we are not on this planet for very long, I would consider a good life one in which you get to experience the most amount of happiness during your brief stay here” – so WHY NOT smoke drugs and drink every day?? In the long run sure it will stunt your growth, and make you generally overall unhappy, BUT AT LEAST FOR A FEW TIMES EVERYDAY (EG. WAKE & BAKE – FIRST FEW SHOTS OF BOOZE) YOU ARE GUARANTEED TO FEEL HAPPY.
This is my dilemma. I know that at any moment I can have this happiness. I wish I never knew how good they felt. I am almost 5 months clean & sober. I currently work as a client support worker at a drug & alcohol rehab center helping other addicts, and the more I’m there, the more I realize that eventually EVERYONE goes out again. What do they know that I don’t? I’ll tell you what, they know how to have a good friggin time im starting to think. Maybe im writing this just to vent, but I am seriously starting to have thoughts like “Just save up enough money (say $3000) to rent a $500/month place that is relatively decent and spend 2 months just sitting on the couch relapsing. This will give me a grand each month to blow on weed and booze (which if I moderate correctly, I should be able to do) – the key phrase there is “should be able to do” – Im aware I haven’t been able to do that in the past. But my addict brain says who cares, just go hard for as long as you can until your money runs out, and then go back to treatment again and do it all over (i.e. burn it all down again, then start over- repeat cycle).
Please smart internet people, tell me what I should do. I’m dying to hear how you can provide an argument against Epicurean Hedonism.
The end