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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

The struggle is real.

Hey guys...sorry I've been absent.
I have bad news, and I really don't even want to tell u guys cuz I feel like I let you down...but I relapsed.

This time its really bad, I spent all my savings, and over drew my bank account 600 dollars. Its gonna take some time to pay that off because I have other bills I need to pay. Also I got in a car accident, with a 1000 deductible And I'm already paying a deductible from a diff accident before this one. With that said, now my car insurance is going to go sky high. Now I'm gonna be broke for the next few months, literally every paycheck is going to all this plus other bills. Maybe I shouldnt be talking about my financial struggles? But the reason I am, is because I have bad anxiety right now, I haven't used at all today so withdrawal are starting and of course I'm looking at my life, judging it, judging myself, and putting a bad label on it including myself. I feel so lost right now, and I feel so alone. Ugh this sucks, why do I always do this to myself ... I'm so sick of it. I'm stressing so bad right now about my money troubles.

I hope everyone else is doing good and not messing up like me. If you are clean then good for you I'm truly happy you are.
 
I'm sorry that you're going through this :( <3 But don't beat up on yourself, it only hurts you and is part of the mechanism by which addiction sinks its claws in further. You made a mistake, but you aren't lost, you can still fight it. You always learn and grow in life, and this can be a learning experience, and a deterrent from doing it again. If you keep fighting, you keep getting stronger. <3

Financial struggles are a big stress, I sure do know that. I put myself $40k into debt for my addiction over the course of a good 6 years (before that I was addicted but rented and my rent was half of my mortgage and I also had help from my ex which disappeared once we moved - plus as the debt climbs you have to pay more and more to it). I spent every day in crippling anxiety over it, it was truly horrible. I actually had to declare bankruptcy over it, in February, and the load has been lifted, and fortunately I am over my addiction so I'm good now. But I was paying $1,150 a month to minimum payments, it was a nightmare. Stay strong, you can get past this, even though it sucks.
 
Relapse happens--doesn't make you a bad person. You'll get through this. Thankfully you didn't lose your job--that's huge!<3
 
Hey man I am 24 years old and I am pretty much in the exact same situation as you. I am on day 3 of being sober off years and years of heroine abuse. The WD's are terrible. I was suicidal. And at the same time my fiancé of many years brokeup with me the same time I was trying to get clean. She didn't break up with me because my heroine use she never knew about that not one bit. She brokeup with me because she cheated on me and then said she couldn't go through our relationship with the guilt of knowing she cheated on me and she didn't want to hurt my emotionally anymore. I forgave her for cheating I loved her so much I did not care I wanted to stay together but she didn't.. Now I am alone...going through Heroine WD's with Bluelight being the ONLY support I have. I have lost everything through my addiction. I am going to post my post that I did last night. But I want you to know things will get better. YOU have to WANT to quit. No one else can help you but yourself. If you really want to be sober and receive naturals highs just from life itself then quit man. Fuck heroine I spent over 60,000$ USA Currency on it easily over my time and that's not even counting the vicodin,Percocet, norcos, roxys, oxys... I worked a well paying job and every paycheck I got 2,000$ every two weeks I would spend almost all of it on dope....I have nothing now... I lost my job because they suspected I was high when my eyes were glossy...I was high on heroine for years at the job got promotiions and raises the whole time working there high on heroine...But this one random day they fired me out of the blue...I eventually spent all my money on heroine..And now I am living back at home with no support from my parents and family , they tell me everyday to move out....I have even slept under a bridge for weeks when my parents kicked me out at age 18 the day I graduated highschool.....Anyways I am just telling you brother you can get through this its fucking tough...I am on Day 3 of no heroine... I have been using Suboxone Films 8mg each of those 3 days it made me feel a little better but not much...I always have 6 Xanax White 2mg bars those help a lot more then the subs or the combo of both helps a lot I don't know...Either way man I am going to run out of Subs and Xanax very soon and have no money for any other remidies for withdrawls.....Day 4 will be tomorrow and Day 5 I will be out of Subs and hopefully have a few Xanax left... You need the will power to quit...you need to think about the future not there here and now...Picture yourself years from now...Do you want to be successful with a good paying job your own place to live even a wife maybe kids? That will ONLY happen if you quit your addiction now..relapsing will only postpone your tortue...You are ruining your body and your brain you are frying your receptors everytime you get high. Trust me Ive been doing heroine a gram a day for a long time....I have no emotion unless I use opiates. Going through withdrawls right now I can barely type this...I am crying because I lost my fiancé and because the withdrawls are unbearable....If I can get through the loss of my soulmate and Heroine Withdrawl at the same time then you can to! Fuck your friends that aren't real friends if there doing heroine...True friends would NEVER let you do that because they know the pain and suffering that will follow. Delete ALL the drug numbers everyone ...I had to delete my bestfriend of 10 years number because he is a heavy user.....He is my bestfriend but I cant be around him in fear of using the temptation will be too high... You need to bottle yourself up alone somewhere for a week. Get through the withdrawls use the benzos and the suboxone that you have. But BEWARE!! Do not take the subs for too long the Withdrawl Symptoms of Subs are WWAAAAAAYY worse then quiting heroine cold turkey....My advice take 8mg a day for 3 days then taper down to 4mg then to 2mg then to 1 mg then eventually to 0 mg of Sub! Do not take them longer then 2 weeks I wouldn't even recommend 10 days of subs....use them only in emergency.....Trry to get excersie when you can, take hot baths, masturbate (Which I cant because all I think about is my ex-cheating on me :{.... Try to do those sports your talking about while on the sub and benzos I know it will be hard but the most exercise the better. Eat candy that helps...Read a book. STAY BUSY! Get your mind off the drug....after a week or two you will a lot better...but the PAWS will last a LONG time.....stay strong during the PAWS and the WD's ...if you can stay clean for about 2 months starting today then you will feel 75% normal in 2 months....But everyone is different so my numbers and dates might not work for you...But please man delete those numbers those are not your friends they are scum bags they will only bring you down YOU WILL kick in and use heroine again if you are around those same friends.....I am going through the same thing as you man....Vitamins, Exercise, Healthy Eating( Will be hard to eat), LOTS of Water to stay hydrated, immodium for the shits and if taken in high doses it's known to cure certain WD symptons, Ive heard that Naproxen, Gaba, Ibporfen, have worked for some but never tried it. There is also a herb called Krotam that has helped some. But like I said everyone is different what might of helped someone get through there addiction might not do shit for you....Please brother do not kick in do not use again....You have 1-2 weeks to go if you can get past that then you are a strong individual ...Sorry about my typing errors I have been crying a lot typing this because of my depression and just realizing what I have done to myself using heroine and losing my soul mate...Stay strong brotha PLEASE check in from time to time and let me know how you are feeling, how the Withdrawls are, and if you use again and fuck up let me know man just be honest to yourself be strong you can get through this...Your situation is a lot less intense then mine. I am going to post the link to my thread I posted I want you to read it and read the replies they WILL HELP YOU! http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/732202-Suicidal-Addiction-No-Hope-Please-Help!
 
Thanks for the responses everyone. I'm on day 2 of staying clean, my withdrawals aren't as bad as I thought they would be but they are still there. Depression and anxiety being the worst because I feel it through out the entire day. At night its hard to sleep, I wake up with cold sweats but I manage to fall back asleep somehow. I feel fatigued, I forced myself to workout this morning it felt good. But now I'm just sitting in my room thinking about a lot of things, so many thoughts run through my head, I'm so depressed feeling guilty about how bad I really fucked up this time. Not only that, but the day I decided to get clean my brother moved out. I'm close to all my siblings, I love them to death, and when I came home from work and saw all his shit gone, I dropped my bag and immediately began to cry. He was the last to move out and now I'm stuck at home alone. It sucks not having him around anymore because I always knew I'd come home and he'd be there.

Well I am really trying to pull through this, all this depression sucks but I have no choice. I want to be successful and have a good job, I want a girlfriend and a family some day, or I at least want to be able to financially support myself. I'm 24, and I feel as though I wasted so much of my life what's the point. But I know once I get through the next few days I'll feel so much better and I'll work as hard as I can to get back on top of things money wise, also working out and eating right like I was a couple months ago. I had felt so good about myself when I was, And I want to get that back.

I just don't understand why I keep relapsing, I was doing so good. But then I end up using again at some point in time. I just don't get it, why do I do it, I know its not what I really want so WHY do I do this to myself over and over again? I feel as the only way I can escape this is to join the military and get out of here, I feel like its my only option so maybe I should just do it?

I'm sorry to hear about your break up jade, I know it must be tough. But like you said hang in there man and things will get better. We are in the same boat bro, and I feel your pain I really do. You just gotta do your own thing and do what you got to do to make yourself and your life better cut off all the bad influencesand strive for that happiness you've always wanted as should I.


I look forward to hearing from you all again and I hope everybody's having a nice day
 
What's up foxxy it's day 5 for me right now....I feel a little better...but still very fatigued....I am debating joining the military as well to get away from this drug ridden world we live in....at least for a few years I will not be able to relapse if I wanted too....and I would be around positive people who may or may not have been users themselves...My brother joined the marines 2 years ago to just escape his life in general. He was 100% sober had a 25$ an hour paying job...He was playing video games everyday and just having fun....But he told me he would lay in bed everything and think to himself...What am I doing here.....is this really how I want to live.....Just a normal job with normal friends for the rest of my normal life....So that's why he joined to discover the world to pursue a more advanced career...He is currently living in Japan as a Special Intelligence Marine...He has visited Australia, Korea, Germany, Hawaii, Has been back home twice just in two years....I think about what he told me everyday do I just want to live this normal life everyday.....But it's hard for me to comitt I get anxiety thinking about being sent away somewhere with people I don't know...without opiates I am very fucking shy...but fuck man if you are considering military at all to escape relapse just talk to a recruiter in your area. Yea they will LIE and BS you a lot to get another signature but pick a GOOD M.O.S (JOB) and you will be happy. Military is not for me but it worked for my brother...Just a thought man sorry for rambling...I hope you are able to get through this brother! I am on day 5 I feel better but still not myself....
 
I've been talking to a navy recruiter and actually I have all my paper work done And everything all I need to do is sign my contract. I've been putting it off because I keep relapsing, I should have been in by now. Anyway I think I will go through with it. I have to. Its my only option. I feel exactly how your brother did, why do I stay here why am I here. I know i can be way better than the person I am. But I'm just like you without opiates I have bad anxiety and I'm really shy. I suck with people in the real world and it sucks...maybe that's why I use?

Hang in there bro I'm proud your on day 5. I'm about to take an eighth of suboxone because I can't bare this withdrawal feeling anymore. Hot flashes/cold/then hot...can't take a nap body is tired but seems restless, I tried to go as long as I could without taking the sub but I need to right now, I guess I still have a couple more days of this, I wasn't using as much as u were I don't think so I should be good by Tuesday/Wednesday


Talk to u soon
 
What's up foxxy! Damn you already have the papers set for the Navy that's fucking great man! I wish I could pull myself to do that! Get through your recovery first before you sign that contract....Yea I threw away my subs, I am on day 5 with nothing.....It's crazy how time heals I already feel a change especially from day 2 the worst!!!!! I cried a lot day 2 uncontroably it was really strange and different for me....I don't know if it was because the WD's or the loss of my ex-fiancé...Either way I got through it I had the chance to use on day 2 but I ignored that phone call and shut my phone off....I have spoke to one person since and that's a very positive girl that I have damaged during my use of drugs....I had to make things right and come clean and she was crying a lot....But in the end I felt good getting that off my chest to even one person I hurt because of my addiction...I hope things get better man! I want you to not use the subs soon....What day are you on ? Sorry I forgot :/
 
Hey dude, sorry but I used the sub. I only took half of an eighth. Not sure if that will even do anything? I have a feeling I'm not gonna sleep tonight. I'm on day to. I used a quarter of a sub yesterday, took an eighth in the morning before work and an eighth when I came home. I woke up this morning and tried my hardest not to take any, but I just took half of an eighth and its almost dinner time, so I'd say I did pretty good.


I'm proud of u man for not taking the subs and sticking it out. In a couple days ull feel a lot better, keep pushing bro

Yeah I'm gonna do it man its my only way out. It will put me where I want to be in life and I think it would do the same for you bro
 
Day 2 is the fucking HARDEST......If you can get through that day I have faith you can get through it all together! I am scared about the military but it might be the only way out of this HELL.....Keep checking in man let me know if you signed the contract to leave! Keep in touch! Thanks man I am in a lot of pain all of a sudden but fuck I am strong enough not to relapse I have made it this far. !!
 
I feel you bro I'm on day 3 now just woke up sorry my message will be short I have to go to work. Took half an eighth of a sub, since my job requires me to be doing physical work all day constantly moving I need it to be able to function somewhat.

I'm glad your pulling through bro have faith! Ill try to post here asap when I get home keep strong!
 
day 3 nice man! the real challenge now begins! goodluck brotha! I am in a lot of pain today..it seemed like it was getting better but today wasn't a good day hope ur feeling better@!!
 
I hope the two Foxes are doing well. The first week of kicking dope is the easiest imo. Its after the withdrawls are over, is the really challenging part. You start to feel "normal" again but there is this void, this emptiness that cannot be explained. Your body doesnt necessarily crave heroin anymore but your mind is still obsessed with it. You try to distract yourself from the thought of using, but deep down its what you really want. You become so accustom to the ritual of using that you find it hard to get pleasure out of anything else in life. Nothing is exciting anymore and you're forced to endure the mundane routines of a normal life. But in the back of your mind you can still relate to the excitement of scoring dope and using. Hardly anything compares to the thrill of knowing you're about to get high as fuck. The addiction is not over just because you make it through withdrawal, its only over when you decide you hate heroin, and never want to feel the touch of satan ever again. Best of luck to you guys
 
I hope everyone is alright. Are any of the earlier posters sober and well? Or are the majority too far gone to even reply?
 
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