The struggle is real.

[foxxxxxy1]

Hey everyone.
First I want to introduce myself. My name is Jeff, I'm 24 years old, im a highschool graduate and work a full time job. Some of my hobbies include sports such as basketball and football. I also like to work out. I'm a very intuitive thinker. I'm happy, a fast thinker, athletic, outgoing and full of energy.
^when I'm sober

Currently I don't feel that way. Right now I'm depressed, and worried about what's to come in the next few days. I have a problem with pills, painkillers, and heroin.

when I was 18 I was addicted to painkillers and heroin for about 3 years until I was 21. But I'd say officially stopping when I was 22. I was clean for a year then relapsed. for the last year I've been on and off with pain meds and heroin, I will go on a bindge for about a month maybe 2 then I'll quit cold turkey or either with subs or tapering down slowly.

the reason why I am writing onthis forum is becauseI realize that I need help though I've never gotten any professionally because I choose not to. I know I have a problem, and I just need some people to talk to. I want to stay clean and I do have goals and dreams but for some reason I keep going back to using.

currently I've been using for about a month now it was all pain killers but for the last 4 to maybe 6 days I've been shooting heroin.

I don't want it to get worse and I really don't want to go through those bad withdrawals. I have decided to stop, I did my last bag today. But could someone tell me if I will go through bad withrawls from about 6 days of heroin use? I know I'll get the body aches and fatigue because I could feel it after a full 24 hours of not using, before I did more today.

I really just want some people to talk to and help me stay clean. So if there are some nice kind hearted people out there, such as myself, and also likes to help others then feel free to chat.

Thanks in advanced and I look forward to talk to you.

 

[T. Calderone]

Hi Jeff, I'm glad you made the decision to get clean. Do you feel that you're strong enough to do this on your own? You said you have been using pain meds then heroin for this past month right. So I expect you would have some withdrawals. Do you have any "comfort" meds to get you through the withdrawal? Some people suggest gabapentin or pregabalin, loperamide (immodium) in small doses.

I've also heard that clonidine and some benzos will help you sleep at night. For those first few days, these medications can be useful. Just be careful not to over-use them so you won't get a new dependence. You came to the right place for help. I'm sure more members will be able to share their experiences. It helps just to know you're not alone. Welcome to Bluelight!

 

[Maya]

^yep I second t.c. congrats OP on deciding to get clean and that's something, you should be proud off.

What really helped me when I was quitting initially was to spend more time with my family, after all you need their support at a tough time like this. If you are open with your family about your situation this is something to consider.

No matter how tough it is, you should keep active, exercise keep yourself busy and try to fight the symptoms as this us what I did. Remember that these will all pass and you will be in a better state.

 

[foxxxxxy1]

Hi guys, sorry for the late response just been dealing with some shit lately. But your responses are greatly appreciated.

I just got my hands on some subs. In case your wondering, no I am not clean yet. I couldn't bare doing it cold turkey considering the type of job I have requires physical work and is just a pain in the ass while going through withdrawal.

I will be taking my sub Saturday morning at my 24 hour mark of not using. Most like starting with a half 8mg strip then tapering off slowly.

I have been through this cycle over and over again. I always stay clean for a month or 2 then I end up relapsing. I always tell myself I'll never use again after I get clean, but that never seems to be the case. I always screw up at some point, its just a never ending cycle.


I hate the fact I'm always doing this to myself. I pray to god, I have a notebook I write down all my thoughts in, i set my priorities and goals, I work out everyday, but then for some reason I always find myself relapsing. Its sucks, I don't know what to do. I feel as if once your an addict, you'll always have that thought in the back of your head reminding you about that high. How do I go through life with just saying no? Apparently just saying "no" is not good enough for me. How do I stay clean once I'm clean?


Thanks in advanced. Your help and advice is greatly appreciated.
Cheers

 

[Cliffy78]

Jeff what's up brother, really good ur tryin to get clean man, it's fuckin rough. The subs should help but be easy with them, try a short term taper off those cause the wd is pretty bad since it's so long lasting. I use the same way pretty much, I'll eat eat eat pills then use subs til my next script or until I could cop. It gets harder and harder to kick everytime u do it so ideally u only want to go through this one last time, next time will be even worse ime. Were all here for u and your definitely not alone bro, your way ahead of a lot if us that can't or just don't want to quit so take pride in that. Your still young and it seems like u got a great life and a lot of things going for u man, why risk all that for a short buzz that costs a ton of cash? Dude u seem ready so just say fuck it dude and get on with your life and don't look back. Your always gonna think about getting high again, that's our curse, but over time it goes away slowly. It'll never leave forever but you won't dwell on it like u are now while in the middle it. It's just not worth it for u bro so just make up your mind to really do this for good and know ur life is gonna be way better once the monkey is of your back for a little while. Good luck and god bless...

 

[Maya]

Hi guys, sorry for the late response just been dealing with some shit lately. But your responses are greatly appreciated.

I just got my hands on some subs. In case your wondering, no I am not clean yet. I couldn't bare doing it cold turkey considering the type of job I have requires physical work and is just a pain in the ass while going through withdrawal.

I will be taking my sub Saturday morning at my 24 hour mark of not using. Most like starting with a half 8mg strip then tapering off slowly.

I have been through this cycle over and over again. I always stay clean for a month or 2 then I end up relapsing. I always tell myself I'll never use again after I get clean, but that never seems to be the case. I always screw up at some point, its just a never ending cycle.


I hate the fact I'm always doing this to myself. I pray to god, I have a notebook I write down all my thoughts in, i set my priorities and goals, I work out everyday, but then for some reason I always find myself relapsing. Its sucks, I don't know what to do. I feel as if once your an addict, you'll always have that thought in the back of your head reminding you about that high. How do I go through life with just saying no? Apparently just saying "no" is not good enough for me. How do I stay clean once I'm clean?


Thanks in advanced. Your help and advice is greatly appreciated.
Cheers

Yep, that was me a few years ago, tryin to stay clean then relapsing and felt stuck in the cycle but then a terrible comedown happened which will change me forever. I think what I would really want to say is that are you going to wait until it's too late? You have another chance to get it right and not a lot of people do. Another thing is that it can also affect you physically and damage you forever so toughen up and fight it off hunn

 

[foxxxxxy1]

Good morning everyone, I just woke up for work so this message will be a short one.

So about the cycle I keep getting myself into, I don't really know what to do, I mean I do but its just easier said then done. Back in march I had overdosed on heroin. Luckily one of the people I was with found me laying on the bathroom floor, he immediately started giving me CPR. He picked me up and drove me to the hospital. The drs narcained me and I woke up in immediate withdrawal. It was the scariest thing I have ever been through in my life. They said 2 more minutes I would have been dead.

After that happened I thought I was done using for sure. I felt good about myself because I was clean, working out, and going to my job everyday feeling good, not to mention I was just happy to be alive.

But here I am..using once again. :/
I think I just need to move far away...to get away from the people I'm around And just start my life over. That's the only way I can think of to really stay Clean. Idk, I have to go though.

Hope you all have a good day, God bless.

 

[imseven]

What helps me more than support is cutting ties with the people you use with. I know its hard but it's necessary if you want a chance at beating this thing. Also delete those damn dealer's phone numbers. Find yourself going through your phone records to find old contact's phone numbers? Change phone carriers if possible. If you have a family member than can help, give them all of your money and instruct them to only give you small amounts at a time for things that are absolutely necessary. This may or may not work in your area depending on the price of heroin. Here you can't get anything for less that $40 pretty much so that helps. I wish you all the luck in the world and know that you are not alone in this struggle.

 

[foxxxxxy1]

Your right, Imseven, I need to delete the phone numbers. Because even though I won't call them when I'm clean, they call me, and that's what I think pushes me to go use again because it puts the thought into my head even more when they do call me. So I guess its a good idea to change my phone number as well.

Ok guys, so I got my hands on some benzos to help with body aches and sleeping but I will not be abusing them whatsoever. As for the sub, I'm gonna hold off on it and see how I feel tomorrow and if I feel like I need it then I will take only a quarter of and 8mg strip.


I'm actually really excited about getting clean. As I always am when I decide to get clean. I'm just hoping this time I won't relapse a month from now. I regret a lot of things in my life, one of them being experimenting with drugs. But it is what it is. I'm fighting it, I'm trying, I guess that's all that matters right?

How is everyone else doing? I'd like to hear some of your stories with addiction and how you got clean and staying clean or if your still using, or if you went from straight junkie to being successful. I'd love to hear about other people's journeys. So feel free!

Hope you all are having a good day

 

[Brades92]

Hey man, ive not been to the places you have, but have an uncle who has. He was and alcoholic and addicted to heroin for around 7 years. He finally managed to kick his habit and is getting married next month to a wonderful woman. People say take it a day at a time, but i dont believe that. I think you should think "imagine how great my life is going to be in a month once iv kicked this shit". Keep going man, smoke weed if you have to its much better than an opiate addiction, just try get that shit out of your system and you are golden brother.

 

[SoloDolo47]

Jeff - I haven't personally had a problem with H, however I know the problem with pills firsthand. I am on day 2 of kicking them (once and for all), and I stumbled upon a thread about loperamide. Now, I have tried EVERYTHING to get clean before. EVERYTHING. By far, loperamde is a miracle. It almost makes you forget about pills, much like suboxone does. I can't explain it. My mother who is a nurse practitioner is baffled, in fact she is going to bring it up at a meeting with a dr. colleague of hers today. Hang in there bud, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That is one feeling that encompasses everyone who withdrawals, but know there are tons of us our there with the same struggle. Exercise + music + loperamide + small doses of clonopin or a benzo will help a lot with the sleep. I personally use a sleep supplement containing melatonin, GABA, and L-tryptophan due to the rebound i get from benzos. It messes with my mood waaaaay too much the following day.

One thing I want everyone to know, if you haven't came to this realization yet...drug dependency and addiction is all relative. My habit may seem like a walk in the park to someone shooting oxy or H...but for ME, my habit was bad. Just controlled every aspect of my life. You, hell, WE will all overcome this. Life is a war, and this is just a battle...wars aren't won overnight, its small victories that determine the outcome.
Good luck to you, and everyone else on this mission with us!!

 

[phatass]

you may not need to start as high as 8mg (depends on your habit, and what dose you feel confortable with) bupe on the streets over your end is pretty expensive though no?

Legit, is really the way to go bro, doctors are proffessional (with all that implies) as long as theyre not arseholes... It will give u someone to see regularly face to face and can talk about your progress, i highly recommend this route, allthough if you're not ready or can't i also understand.

keep us posted bro, stay strong

 

[mewtew]

Hi Jeff, I hope you're doing well with staying off of opiates... it isn't a fun experience. Curious as to how you're doing now that it's been a few days. The sub will help, but don't do what I did - I was also a heroin addict (this sounds crazy, but I did it "recreationally" for a long time and NEVER received a withdrawal when coming off of it... I guess recreationally wouldn't be accurate considering I DID get mentally addicted to it and have been doing opiates for 3 years off and on, just never a physical dependence to any type of opiate) and I started taking sub as well to forget the mental urges of the h, but I ended up replacing the heroin with the sub... I've been on sub ever since (nearly 5 months) and am having a horrible time trying to quit it. I get really hung up on the mental part of it. Like I said, I never experienced a withdrawal until RECENTLY from sub. and you don't want to go through sub wd either (I also don't take the sub as directed so this could contribute to the issue I'm having)
Sorry for the rant about myself, but anyways, you're not alone in going through this and if you ever need to talk to someone who has been doing opiates for a good 3 years now off and on like yourself, feel free to message me or add me on skype (you'll have better luck getting ahold of me on there).

I really hope you're doing well. I wish you all the luck in the world.

 

[foxxxxxy1]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. And mewtew don't be sorry for your rant. I'm interested in other people's stories as well and how they cope with being clean if you are clean.

Anyways I've been clean for about 5 days now, I only started with a quarter of an 8mg sub then tapered down half that the next day and half that the day after and so on. My last dose was yesterday morning. The only withdrawls I'm having are a little fatigue and body aches, and a little bit of deppresion/anxiety. I've been working going to my job, eating ice cream watching movies at night.

I think about getting high all the time, and it sucks. But I know I have to stay clean to get better and be where i want to be in life. As we all do.

Its all in your head guys! Stay tough, try to keep yourself busy, force yourself to work out, but whatever you do don't give in to the drugs. Get rid of all your dealers numbers and don't talk to people who are bad influences. Spend time with your family if you can. Its hard, it sucks, but you gotta do it, I gotta do it. Everything will get better over time just be strong and stay positive.

Being positive is key, i believe positive energy is essential in getting/staying clean. Don't let that negative energy around you and inside you head. Let the positive energy flow and negative energy go.

You can do it guys you have it in you. Were all here for a reason, dig deep and find who you truly are and have faith.

Take care everyone and talk to you soon!

 

[DraVee]

hey Jeff, congrats on 5 days clean. I'm right here with you battling an iv heroin addiction for the past 7 months. i am currently 4 days clean of all opiates (including subs). It is honestly getting harder day by day and my mind is running rampid. I thought this post was interesting because of the working out part. I also love to exercise And am in pretty good shape despite being a heroin addict. I was wondering if the exercise and weight lifting contribute to your relapses? In my own opinion, over stimulating your CNS during the withdraw peroid And the weeks that follow can make you crave opiates even more. You are getting the pump and the adrenalin rush in the gym, and mAybe whats missing is the mellow, pain soothing affects of opiates. I am personally going to take it easy in the gym this time around and focus on developing a new hobby. For me, working out hard then going home and doing a big shot of H went hand in hand. When i lift weights or go running i get very very down and depressed an hour or two after exercise when i dont have opiates to numb the pain. Was just curious on your thoughts on working out and opiates, any connections? Sorry for any spelling errors i am typing this on an iphone and am in a bit of a hury. Look forward to hearing back from you.

 

[legalizeall]

Jeff what's up brother, really good ur tryin to get clean man, it's fuckin rough. The subs should help but be easy with them, try a short term taper off those cause the wd is pretty bad since it's so long lasting. I use the same way pretty much, I'll eat eat eat pills then use subs til my next script or until I could cop. It gets harder and harder to kick everytime u do it so ideally u only want to go through this one last time, next time will be even worse ime. Were all here for u and your definitely not alone bro, your way ahead of a lot if us that can't or just don't want to quit so take pride in that. Your still young and it seems like u got a great life and a lot of things going for u man, why risk all that for a short buzz that costs a ton of cash? Dude u seem ready so just say fuck it dude and get on with your life and don't look back. Your always gonna think about getting high again, that's our curse, but over time it goes away slowly. It'll never leave forever but you won't dwell on it like u are now while in the middle it. It's just not worth it for u bro so just make up your mind to really do this for good and know ur life is gonna be way better once the monkey is of your back for a little while. Good luck and god bless...

I would really take this post to heart man cause this is it right here. As i was reading down the thread these points were in my head and i was trying to think of how to put these in a post but thier all right here. You seem like a smart person and give yourself some credit for being able to get clean for a few months here and there. I could never do that so i didnt even try.

Its a different mindset esp when your newly trying to get sober compared to when you have some time under your belt so dont worry about that. Right now, your thinker is busted but it will get better. Time is a big healer, its just hard to wait for it but when you want it you will know, and you will do the things you need to do to get there. Dont keep looking for a bottom cause you dont have too. The right support and the right motivation your gonna be fine man. I wish you the best and remember that its something you can beat and you will be free of it one day.

 

[llama112]

So I found this thread because I have a close friend who has been addicted to H for a while. He's tried getting clean by himself and it only lasts a couple days. We are saying, this week, we are going to get this done!!!!

I hate the fact I'm always doing this to myself. I pray to god, I have a notebook I write down all my thoughts in, i set my priorities and goals, I work out everyday, but then for some reason I always find myself relapsing. Its sucks, I don't know what to do. I feel as if once your an addict, you'll always have that thought in the back of your head reminding you about that high. How do I go through life with just saying no? Apparently just saying "no" is not good enough for me. How do I stay clean once I'm clean?

I was never full-on addicted to etizolam but ohhh did I still crave it. But, honestly, the best solution is to just not have it. Don't have it anywhere. If your partner does it, hide it from him/her. Or make someone hide your stash. Whatever. Make sure that you can't access it.
I think it takes a few MONTHS before you can go back to using it recreationally. In September, I quit using etizolam. At the beginning of this summer, I was finally able to use it from time to time with no problems.

Your right, Imseven, I need to delete the phone numbers. Because even though I won't call them when I'm clean, they call me, and that's what I think pushes me to go use again because it puts the thought into my head even more when they do call me. So I guess its a good idea to change my phone number as well.

You could probably just block those numbers instead of changing your phone number. Block their numbers and then delete their numbers. Or can't you just text them and be like "hey, I'm not interested anymore".

My friend who is currently trying to get off H thinks benzos will help a LOT. As long as you don't use them for multiple days in a row (maybe three days?) then it shouldn't develop into a benzo addiction. I think maybe something like Adderall and benzos would be okay. I mean, we've got jobs, jobs where we are constantly thinking and you've gotta be "there" for work. He's taking one sick day but he's got the rest of the week to deal with. So I think those two combined makes sense, to have some motivation and to "feel slightly better" with the benzos. I wondered if GHB might work a bit but maybe not? It's not nearly as strong as other drugs. Umm... get a punching bag. Because you will want to hurt things. Don't hurt real things. Hurt the punching bag! Keep busy too! My friend has tried multiple times and it hasn't worked BUT is there someone who you can be honest with? Besides my working hours, I am dedicating the rest of my week to doing whatever I can to help him. I'm thinking - keeping him busy with watching movies, going for walks, going out for dinner, etc.

 

[herbavore]

Underneath the using is the craving and the craving has both a physical component (or psychological/physiological) and an emotional component. The emotional component--you could even call it spiritual--is what I think often gets overlooked. There is psychic pain and it is natural to look for relief for pain. Understanding the pain is no simple process. It can be years deep. It can be existential or it can be directly related to childhood trauma or both. It can be something as seemingly innocuous as extreme boredom. Whatever it is you have to go down into it and get to know it, face it, learn it and then you can start to heal.

Addiction takes so much effort to fight but it is an empty fight when the pain that led you there in the first place is going to rear its head stronger than ever when the masking or numbing agent is taken away. Sure, there is PAWS; but beyond PAWS there is also a dearth of experience with how to have a healthy relationship with your own emotions. It takes courage to get to know yourself, to find self-acceptance and to take responsibility for changing what you want to change. This is true for all of us--whether or not we have ever suffered addiction. We've all grown up in a blaming culture where we are so disconnected from ourselves and each other that we have no experience with healing ourselves. The good news is that we always can. You have everything you need to connect to life in a way that is satisfying to you--forget the prescriptions of your family and culture and figure out what you want and then construct a life that takes steps in that direction.

 

[Xorkoth]

I was never full-on addicted to etizolam but ohhh did I still crave it. But, honestly, the best solution is to just not have it. Don't have it anywhere. If your partner does it, hide it from him/her. Or make someone hide your stash. Whatever. Make sure that you can't access it.
I think it takes a few MONTHS before you can go back to using it recreationally. In September, I quit using etizolam. At the beginning of this summer, I was finally able to use it from time to time with no problems.

I agree with most of your post; however I will say that in my experience, if you ever develop a full-on addiction to a substance, trying to use it recreationally/responsibly in the future at any point is seriously playing with fire. I have one single friend out of all my friends and people I know who were addicted to opiates who uses oxycodone (shoots it even) every so often (months between uses), and seems fine. Granted he buys enough for one day and refuses to keep any more around than that, and doesn't have a steady hookup. For me, every time I quit and tried to go back (even once after a full year), it rapidly escalated to exactly where I left off the last time. I strongly do not recommend allowing yourself the option to ever use it again once you stop because the likely case is that you will continue on where you left off and it will be even harder to stop the next time. And as addicts know, giving yourself allowances for use will almost inevitably cause you to rationalize and take those allowances, and then rationalize further, and further. Having been addicted to opiates for a long time, even a single use will make me start feeling some light withdrawals, and a few times will be right back to a serious situation. This is why I am never doing another opiate again in my life. And I smile as a say that.

 

[Xorkoth]

Jeff - I haven't personally had a problem with H, however I know the problem with pills firsthand. I am on day 2 of kicking them (once and for all), and I stumbled upon a thread about loperamide. Now, I have tried EVERYTHING to get clean before. EVERYTHING. By far, loperamde is a miracle. It almost makes you forget about pills, much like suboxone does. I can't explain it. My mother who is a nurse practitioner is baffled, in fact she is going to bring it up at a meeting with a dr. colleague of hers today. Hang in there bud, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That is one feeling that encompasses everyone who withdrawals, but know there are tons of us our there with the same struggle. Exercise + music + loperamide + small doses of clonopin or a benzo will help a lot with the sleep. I personally use a sleep supplement containing melatonin, GABA, and L-tryptophan due to the rebound i get from benzos. It messes with my mood waaaaay too much the following day.

One thing I want everyone to know, if you haven't came to this realization yet...drug dependency and addiction is all relative. My habit may seem like a walk in the park to someone shooting oxy or H...but for ME, my habit was bad. Just controlled every aspect of my life. You, hell, WE will all overcome this. Life is a war, and this is just a battle...wars aren't won overnight, its small victories that determine the outcome.
Good luck to you, and everyone else on this mission with us!!

Careful with loperamide, it IS a miracle, almost, but it's an opiate that barely crosses the blood brain barrier and can produce dependence of its own. It's good to use wen you can't stand it but I recommend against using it every day. It will prolong your withdrawal and eventually add some of its own, though granted it's not like a full opiate withdrawal. But the reason it works is because it's an opiate. It was first explored for the same use other opiates are, pain relief.