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this girl's in fight or flight mode

A

allthedowners

Greenlighter
Joined
Apr 23, 2014
Messages
29
I am a functioning heroin addict and its making it increasingly difficult to stop using. I managed to finish my bachelor's degree, have a job, pay my bills, and have succeeded in keeping my use a secret from my family (who I live with at the moment) since my last relapse around last May. My family and most of my close friends think I've been on suboxone for over a year now, but I'm actually shooting h twice a day and struggling with severe guilt and self-esteem issues as a result.

I've been using h for 4 years, IV from the start, and have only had two periods of sobriety in between; once when I relocated across country in order to get clean, which lasted for three months, and once when I was hospitalized with endocarditis and renal failure, which also lasted three months. My latest run started eighteen months ago. But enough is enough. I've been seriously contemplating sobriety for months now, and have been making honest efforts to quit for the past month. Every week I plan to quit on my off days: I throw my points away, I tell my dealers not to contact me, I've even asked my mom to hold my keys and debit card (she thinks I'm trying to come off of subs). But at the 30 hour mark, every week, I'm scrambling to "get well." Two weeks ago that meant diving through the dumpster I threw my works in; last week it meant begging my mom to let me have my card back so I could "buy a sub and start a taper plan." I even managed to induct my first sub dose before she caved to my begging, but I had already made my mind up by then that subs just weren't going to hold off my massive dependence.

Well, I'm out of quitting days now. My sister just got to town yesterday and we're planning on taking a trip together next week. That means that I really do have to be off the shit before she catches me shooting up in the next room while we're traveling. There would be very dire consequences, which I won't get into now, but trust me when I say that it would be very detrimental if my family finds out that I've been lying to them while living under their roof this whole time. Not only that; I'm so ready to quit, for myself, for my sanity, in order to have any semblance at a fulfilling life.

So last night I took my "last shot" before work at 9pm, which means I'll be sick tonight by 9, but will wait out the horrible WD's until at least tomorrow morning before I induct a sub so I won't risk PW's. But my mind is in panic mode, fight or flight, self-survival. I keep telling myself that if I stop now I'll be too sick to go on this trip with her while only taking subs, and that I should keep using this week and then take enough methadone with me (obtained from a friend) to last our trip, and then quit altogether when I get home. I really wish I would have gotten some Lyrica or Phenibut before I started this whole process, and that's another reason (cough.. excuse) that my mind keeps telling me that I should wait until I get back to quit. Honestly, I'm scared as hell to stop using. I'm scared my sister is going to know I'm in withdrawals (that's how they caught me last time), and I'm scared to go through the pain that a quick sub taper is going to bring on me while I'm traveling.

Idk, I'm just disgusted with myself. I get off work in an hour and I'm trying very hard to not listen to the little h addict in my head SCREAMING at me to go score. I know I could go home after work and be fine, but when 9pm comes around, I'm going to start panicking. I'll make it to 9am, but I'm afraid of what I'll do at that point... Fuck, idk, I just need someone to kick my ass and make me do this I guess. Sometimes I think that maybe if they catch me, although it will be absolute hell to have to start at the bottom again, it might be easier to get the help I desperately need and to have some accountability..

So what do you guys think? Is it absolutely ludicrous for me to try to pull off using this week, then using methadone next week while on our trip, and then quitting with a sub taper and Lyrica when I get home? Am I just making excuses to keep using like I have been for the past few months, or is being sick while traveling a legit concern? I think I already know the answer, but some support would be GREATLY appreciated. Feeling alone in all this..
 
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I think if I were you I would try to find some methadone/Suboxone for the trip instead of being sick as hell having no fun cause i think people will know something is up if your sick and lethargic the whole time and if your shooting dope that's not good at all. That's what I would do well actually I would just stay home and say fuck it but that's just me I believe this ball and chain called heroin will keep me from travels and it has I've never been anywhere all because its too much of a worry wondering if I'll be bringing enough dope with me to stay well. But if your gonna do the trip try to bring methadone I don't know if your gonna be going on a plane but if you do expect greif about why you have a controlled substance in your bag with you just so you know
 
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Allthedowners,
Sounds like you have quite the inner battle going on. All I can say as addicts there is always excuses as to why it's not a good time to quit. You had mentioned about accountability and support would it be the worst thing to confide in your family that you are still struggling? Chances are they probably already suspect. I really wish you the best!! You are strong enough to kick this you just have to dig real deep
 
I agree with both trainspotter and sosick. I've been through this so many times that I hate thinking about it. I would try to detox by taking a week vacation at home but always caved. It took me many tries and weaning down to finally quit altogether.

It seems no time is a good time when it comes time to kick drugs. My advice would be try and see a doctor to prescribe subs for you. It doesn't have to be a quick taper, every person is different. You may need more time to stabilize. Have you ever considered methadone? Just a thought but wish you well. Welcome to Bluelight! :)
 
I had the same thought you did - I got off methadone last November but quickly relapsed because I tapered too fast. I was scheduled to fly across country to stay with family two weeks for CHristmas. Id been using for a month by the time it was time to leave to go on vacation, and I had decided I would take a few vicodin and oxy with me and "kick while I was on vacation", assuming the pills would hold me over. They lasted 5 days of what turned into a 3 week vacation because of weather. I drank poppy tea but that didn't work, so I ended up copping and using through my vacation. So for that reason, I don't think vacations are a good time to kick. You said you got caught last time by being sick. If you can get enough methadone for your whole trip, you could do that, but you need to make :::sure::: you have enough. Also, if you're flying and the methadone is liquid its not going to work, it needs to be in your name. Pills they're a bit more lenient with - I googled a lot before I left, and it turns out airlines done even ask you to keep your pills in their original container. I put my vics and oxys in with some of my other medication and put it in my checked baggage and no one said boo. BUT. It's important to point out that you could always be unlucky (if you end up bringing pills with you that aren't prescribed) and have them pull you aside and ask you what the blue pills are mixed in with the white ones, or whatever. I was taking a small risk bringing my pills but I brought them anyway. I later took a much bigger risk to get my dope. If I had it to do over again I would NOT have just assumed I could detox on vacation and it would work out.

If you can get enough methadone and you're not flying, I'd do that.

Do you know for sure subs won't hold you and you'll be sick?
 
Thanks everyone for your responses. Well, it's probably a given to most of you, but I of course caved and decided to continuing using this week. Judging from what you've said Blue, it sounds like I may have made the right choice. I really don't want to be sick while on vacation, and I know my sister would pick up on it. I'm supposed to pick up 500 mgs of liquid methadone tomorrow to last the duration of my 6 day trip. I have very little experience with done and therefore do not know what kind of dose will hold me, so I'm also planning on bringing a few bags along also. Does anyone have any suggestion on what mg of done I should try to take the first day? Oh, and we'll be driving, so no need to worry about airline issues.

When I return, I'm determined to kick for good, hopefully with a semi-quick sub and lyrica taper. And to answer your question Blue, no, I'm not sure that the subs won't hold me, but I have a pretty good idea that they won't, plus I don't have the time to wait the 30 hours in sickness before I can induct.
 
Please remeber that done takes about an hour and 45 minutes to start to kick in... how much H are you doing at the moment?

SL ---> BDD
 
neversick, I'm currently doing, on average, half a gram of quality, IV, daily.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how many mgs of methadone I can expect to hold me a day while away on vacation? Really need some help on this one..
neversick, why the move from SL?
 
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I would try 30 to 40 mgs to start. Please also remeber that this drug has a very wide array of half lives for different people.. from like 6 hours all the way up to 150 hours. The average is around 36 hours. If we use the 6 x HL = time for medication to pass out of the body we get nine days for a dose to be cleared from your system. This is important to realize because for the first ten days you will be steadily increasing the amount you have on board. So even though a dose may seem to be low for the first couple days you will be adding to how much is on board for the next nine days or so.

I would also consider splitting your dose into a morning and evening dose.. so 15 or twenty twice a day. I would hesitate to increase the dose very quickly because of the half life.

BDD-- SL at request.
 
Thanks again neversick.
A question for you, Blue, or anyone else who may be able to help: since I'm planning on getting off dope for good when I get back with a sub taper, do I need to wait at least 9 days before I induct sub because of the done's half life?
Also, if I take 40 mgs the first day, split into 2 doses, should I expect this to hold off the sickness, or will I be sick for the first couple of days? How will supplementing with dope affect the methadone?

Thanks again everyone! My done experience is quite limited..
 
I agree with starting at 30 or 40 mg methadone. IMO you shouldn't need more than 70 a day, but don't START at 70, start at 30 or 40.

I don't have personal experience with subs so unfortunately I can't answer the sub vs done question. As for done with dope, just be careful, methadone has a pronounced CNS depressive effect even though it doesn't get you fucked up like heroin does. People have OD'd that way, thinking that because they don't feel the methadone that much it's ok to do a decent hit of dope... but once it combines its too much of a depressive effect on your heart and breathing. If I were you I wouldn't mix them - I never did. I mean I did dope while on methadone but at that point I was A. on a low dose, and B. only snorting, so I could sniff a little bit, see how it hits me, and repeat as necessary. Since you're fixing, if you fix too much dope you're kind of SOL. So just don't.... let the methadone hold you, and if you want to do dope, pick a day to do JUST dope. That's probably what I'd do. I just can't recommend dope and done in the same day since you're shooting and new to done.
 
Be careful if you decide to drink when taking the done. For some reason, it seems to make people fall out much easier then other opiates. After the trip, I would suggest really evaluating where you are at. I was never able to stop opiates for any decent length of time until I got help (and even then it took several tries).
 
I'll heed your advice, Blue, about not mixing dope and done. Thanks for the warning. When I take my first dose at 30 or 40 mgs, should I expect to be sick the first couple of days?
phactor, I'm going to do some major evaluating when I get home. If I don't ask for help, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to stop this thing..
 
How is it going?

As for asking for help, it was one of the hardest things I had to do but one of the best decisions I ever made. Keep in mind, I had been in treatment before and relapsed (I had it all figure out you see... 8) ). I always tried to make up some bullshit justification for why I used and behaved the way I did. It wasn't until this last time that I answered the "what is wrong with you?" questions I have heard countless times with a simple:I don't know and I need help...... Then I of course started balling my eyes out but also when I became willing to do anything and everything it took to get clean.
 
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allthedowners said:
I'll heed your advice, Blue, about not mixing dope and done. Thanks for the warning. When I take my first dose at 30 or 40 mgs, should I expect to be sick the first couple of days?
phactor, I'm going to do some major evaluating when I get home. If I don't ask for help, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to stop this thing..
Click to expand...

\What I would do is take 30, and wait about 5 hours - if you still feel sick, take 10 or 20 more. On the second day, if you needed more on the first day, take like 50, and by then you should be mostly well. 50 should hold you pretty good but you might choose to do a little bit more - maybe like 60. So on the 3rd day, you take 60, you should be totally fine, and just keep taking 60 per day (or whatever dose you settle on) for the rest of your trip.

Did you leave yet?
 
Our trip for delayed for a couple of days but we're off now. Haven't taken any done yet; planning to take dose one in the morning. I might wake up a couple of hours early to dose and then go back to sleep..
 
So I guess I'm either immune to methadone or I got fake shit (which I paid a small fortune for, btw). I used dope exclusively for the first couple of days. Then, as I should have known, I ran out and resorted to using the done. I woke up sick, dosed 50 mgs, and three hours later I still had no relief. I redosed 20 mgs, and four hours later, still nothing.

As I didn't have data service up there, I couldn't consult w any of you, so after much debate, I decided to take 2 mgs of subutex. Still no relief, but it did hold my sickness at bay. A few hours later I took another mg and then just stuck w the subs the last three days of my trip. I was horrified that the subs didn't take my WDs away completely, but I was so grateful that I didn't just rely on the done and had brought some sub with me. The 13 hour drive home was the worst.

Long story short, fuck some liquid methadone! (Unless I was just sold cough syrup)
 
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