this girl's in fight or flight mode

[BlueSaffron]

Yeah, you should have felt 70 mgs.. sounds like you got some bogus stuff :/

Have you given any thought to quitting now that you're back?

 

[allthedowners]

Since I first started looking into getting clean for good, I've told myself that once I could get past the first 36 hours and then induct my first sub, I'd be set. I thought that the sub would make me completely well, as it did in the past, and from then on it'd only be a mental battle. But damn, something changed from the last time I tried to get clean to now. I was horrified that I was still very sick after taking 4 mgs of subutex on the first day. The two subsequent days after that got a little better, but I was still basically bedridden and unable to enjoy my vacation. I wish I would have just stuck with it when I got home, because I don't know when I'll have an opportunity like that again, (where it was physically impossible to give in and score). But the long drive home in pain made me tell myself that I deserved to feel good again, and I rationalized that I had to be well enough to go to work the next day. The last part is true though, sadly. I'm afraid that I'll have to give methadone another shot if I'm going to get clean for good bc the subs just didn't leave me able to function.

I wish there was a methadone clinic close to where I live. I'd be willing to give it another chance if it could truly get me off the shit.

 

[joeburden]

I went on subs in 2011, after a relatively tiny Perc habit (30-60mg oral a day) I checked myself into a detox and they immediately put me on suboxone, then I decided to stay on them and go to Intense Outpatient Program provided by the detox for 2 weeks following, then went into suboxone maintenance therapy and they put me on 16mg a day to curb cravings, which for someone with a habit as small as mine was, was insane.
They then kicked me out for testing positive for marijuana repeatedly in my urine screenings and basically forced me to buy it off the street. So much for getting clean! LOL
So I bought them off the street for a few years myself, and sometimes I'd mess up and switch to heroin or other opiates for a week or so at a time, but everytime I'd get back on the subs, it would seem to hold WD's at bay less effectively until finally they barely held me at all and I just constantly felt like crap, (this might have been due to me IVing my sub due to having no job and having to make an 8mg pill stretch 4 days sometimes.
So in april I got on methadone and instantly felt way better but then I started using H on top of it, due to me being on subs for so long and being able to finally feel full agonist opiates fully once again, I THOUGHT i could just use a few times a week but it didnt really give me the rush I had imagined it would so I kept chasing the high making my dose quickly escalated from 30mg at induction to 80mg now 4 months later., and even though it blocks the rush, if I dont do heroin in the afternoon I'll feel like death starting around 6pm.

not sure what Im going to do as I dont want to keep raising my dose, and even when I do, the clinic will only raise it 5mg every 7 days. so I'd have to keep using on top of it anyway. Its a nightmare and its making me more depressed than I was when I was only using percs before this whole nightmare began a few years ago.

so my advice is DONT GET ON METHADONE if you're not ready to NOT USE on top of it, or you'll end up stuck in this cycle like me with pretty much no way out.