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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

Screwed by bad choices and as situation out of my control

T. Calderone and Herbavore, I appreciate the kind words more than I can express. I guess I'm in my 2nd month of being substance free ( I am not counting the days but basically quit opiates and amphetamines back in July). I still feel pretty funky most days so it is hard to realize that I'm making incredible progress without someone reminding me.

I let myself get super depressed for a few weeks. It was horrible. I was being rejected so much at work (I'm in sales) that I allowed myself to take it personally. I developed an irrational fear of my costumers which snowballed into a full scale panic attack that I suffered non stop for that time period.

My heart felt like it could beat out of my chest. My stomach in constant knots. I could not break the cycle until I realized and acted on the fact that I had to face my fears and start aggressively seeing customers again, or else soon I wouldn't be feeding my family.

The first day I did that, my panic, anxiety and depression began to melt away.

I thought all this was PAWS related. Now I have to question whether all or how much of the fatigue and depression I suffer thru daily is actually PAWS related and how much is in my head. Taking on the day as a challenge and not a dreaded task does help with my perspective and how I feel in my head but it is easy to forget to fight the overwhelming feeling and let the weight of it all crush my soul. But the amazing thing is that as long as I put forth true effort to fight for the day, even if I don't win (eg., don't make a single sale that day) or feel nearly as accomplished as I wish, I don't feel too bad. Believe me, not feeling too bad is a great improvement compared to where I've been.
 
Oh don't I know it! When you're recovering from drug abuse just a day of not feeling bad is such a huge boost to you, it gives you so much strength. That's so great that you're figuring out how to get there again on your own. :) I had the benefit of the ibogaine post-glow to help me, it was pretty much effortless to feel that way for months. Now I have to work at it again but I am also over 4 months out from opiate addiction so I feel pretty stable. It's more about learning how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way for me now. Sounds like the same may be true of you, or at least, that's also a big part of what you're now facing.

Great fucking work man. <3
 
Xorkoth said:
Oh don't I know it! When you're recovering from drug abuse just a day of not feeling bad is such a huge boost to you, it gives you so much strength. That's so great that you're figuring out how to get there again on your own. :) I had the benefit of the ibogaine post-glow to help me, it was pretty much effortless to feel that way for months. Now I have to work at it again but I am also over 4 months out from opiate addiction so I feel pretty stable. It's more about learning how to deal with my emotions in a healthy way for me now. Sounds like the same may be true of you, or at least, that's also a big part of what you're now facing.

Great fucking work man. <3
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Thanks xortkoth! At one time i wished I had access to ibogaine and experienced local ibogaine practitioners. Oh well, I am pretty scared of all psychedelics at this point; with my brother's passing still a fresh wound and how panicky I can get these days I'm scared of where a trip would take me. I don't even smoke weed anymore, which is something I never thought I'd give up.

Yeah now I'm sober dealing with everything that I covered up with drug use. I know finding a healthy way to deal with my emotions is imperative. I am more isolated now than I've ever been. I have no social network whatsoever. The depresion, anxiety and family obligations (kid and disabled wife) can be so overwhelming and motivation can be so underwhelming. So yeah, just feeling not so bad is actually great. If I reflect on where I've been I'm actually doing a lot better than not so bad, but I've never been one to give myself much credit.

I need to see a therapist but I'm not one to ask for help so that more than likely would never happen except for the fact that my other brother is in town this week - he is working in Japan and only comes home once or twice a year. He is going too see a therapist tomorrow and asked me to go with him. Well thank goodness for him because this will be a very positive step in my recovery that I would not of made on my own.
 
Ibogaine is much different from other psychedelics, I experienced no fear or rarely any realization I was on anything. I was just somewhere else. But, I don't think you need it either, I used it right at the end of my opiate cycle (after withdrawing for a week with a bit of kratom) and it really kickstarted a change in behaviors. But you're already changing your behaviors on your own and you're 2 months out. It sounds like you're doing really well. :)
 
Well I'm not making as much change as I probably could. Other than not using I feel pretty stuck in a rut. ...I say that but I do have a job interview in 16 minutes; second phone interview for a company that sells manufacturing automation equipment (a base salary plus benifits, plus laptop,phone and car allowance - beats the hell out of the my current commission only gig). But honestly I do not feel like I've made mass personal improvements. Hopefully seeing the consular tomorrow can help jump start the process.
 
Nice, second phone interview, that means they're interested. If you get an in-person it means they want you but just want to make sure. At least that's how it's been for me at jobs. :)

You don't notice changes on a day-to-day basis (usually), but over time they become very obvious. When you're struggling through it sometimes feels like you're failing but from where I stand you're succeeding.
 
Xorkoth said:
Nice, second phone interview, that means they're interested. If you get an in-person it means they want you but just want to make sure. At least that's how it's been for me at jobs. :)

You don't notice changes on a day-to-day basis (usually), but over time they become very obvious. When you're struggling through it sometimes feels like you're failing but from where I stand you're succeeding.
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I definitely appreciate the encouragement. It is hard to see the changes and gains while in the thick of recovery, but it is nice to be told they are being made.

I just wish I could figure out activities that I actually enjoy. I exercise but that along with work and applying for jobs is still a chore atm. However if I don't exercise or put forth effort working, man I feel physically, mentally and emotionally much worse. I used to enjoy playing guitar, writing, drawing, painting, hiking, mountain biking and going to concerts, shows and festivals, but anymore there is nothing I want to do. Right now my life is just going about doing what I feel I have to do, my obligations to myself and my family.

So if I'm invited to a face-to-face, at least for this particular job, I'll be one of six applicants that I'll be competing against. I need to learn to love challenges...lol.
 
I hope you get this job so that you can get out of the whole commision-only racket.

As far as activities, have you considered taking a class in any of your interests? After my son died I could not paint anymore. Fortunately I had been warned that this might happen initially (from another parent that had lost a child) so I didn't let it freak me out. Now "initially" has turned into 3 years and I am still not really able to go back to it. What I have been doing is taking short weekend workshops or short classes to force me into doing it again. I still am unable to commit to a daily practice but at least it is something. The best class I took was called Fearless painting and the instructor had us doing all sorts of stuff to work through the places that keep us stuck in art. It felt more like a therapy session LOL. There were all sorts of people in the class with very different fears--from the absolute beginner that was afraid to even try painting to the pros who simply were afraid to try new things and felt stuck in producing what they knew would sell. Something like that could be very nourishing for you. We are lucky to have a very good community college here that offers classes like this. Do you have anything like that where you are?
 
Herbavore, thanks for the suggestion. That is a very good idea. Unfortunately I have to get my employment/financial situation worked out before I worry about perusing activities of interest.

I did see a councillor yesterday. Wow, that felt good. She says I probably suffer from PTSD stemming from my childhood family environment and that it is amazing that I've gotten as far as I have in life. She confirmed for me that I have to do something different for work as I'm just making myself miserable right now.

Well today I visited 2 of my old customers from when I worked with my brother. Brought my resume with me. They are industrial contractors. Both were very open to possibly using me in an estimating capacity and helping to chase business they don't have time pursue themselves. It would be great to have a job with nothing to do with cold sales. Hopefully one of these work out but I'm going out with resumes tomorrow and hitting a few more industrial contractors up (I need to stop forgetting that I do have skills and that I'm highly trainable as well).
 
This is always a stressful time of the month for me. My wife is a chronic pain patient and got her refill of morphine today. Normally she'll offer me some or I'll ask for a little as she can spare a little at the beginning of the refill cycle; plus I think she feels bad for me because I obviously never feel good, so in the past in a misguided attempt to help me she would always offer me morphine on refill day.

I'm not asking for any and she knows not to offer me any. I want to be very proud of myself (and her) but I just feel shitty knowing that I could feel good so easily. Recovery sucks, I hope it feels better sooner than later......
 
Ugh, she leaves the bottle out on top of the dresser. I'm not taking any but this is still really hard to cope with as I never feel good and what is in that bottle could easily fix that, at least for a little while. ...serenity now......

And why is she so trusting of me around her meds? She knows my history better than anyone. It is definitely a conscious decision not too break into the bottle of morphine she carelessly leaves out. I gotta get out of the house before I make a decision I'll regret.
 
She didn't mean to leave her meds out in my face like that. I knew that and told her I accepted that it is my problem, though it is sweet that she apologized (totally unnecessary, not her fault that I'm an addict) and I appreciate that she does empathize with my situation and will try to keep her morphine out of sight.

I don't mean to be a hassle but it physically and emotionally unpleasant to be exposed to drugs I no longer allow myself to take. Opiates, amphetamines and nicotine...oh dear. But everyday I do not consume any of these substances and I know I am a stronger person than I ever dreamed I could be. I wish I could FEEL that thought in my heart every day I'm sober.
 
I'm glad there was a nice resolution to that A_C. I read your posts yesterday but was too busy with work to comment. I was hoping for you that it was an accident, so glad it was. :)

Sometimes when you can't FEEL it, it really helps to just think back and remember WHY you're doing it. I'm sure you know that though.
 
Xmas update:

I've been relatively sober since July. I have relapsed a few times, like once a month. I am realizing that every relapse sets back my recovery, getting over PAWS in particular. I am in no way feeling normal and have been through a debilitating depression for months on end, but I am making progress and it is definitely getting better, but after each relapse (even if just 15 mg of morphine) and I am set back at least a week in my recovery. I think I am realizing that my sobriety has to be 100% or else it just is not going to work.

Im still trying to put my life back together post recovery, post losing my job, post my brother's suicide. Sometimes ...shit tbh most of the time...I feel too old for this (I'm 44) but I'm trying to remember that I am truly amazing. My counselor, after hearing my childhood story, believes that I suffer PTSD and says it is amazing that I've actually gotten as far as I have with my life. Remembering not to be too harsh with myself, and dwelling on the past or fretting away about the future are some of the most important things I can do.

I'm not here on BL too often these days. I've been so depressed and reading others struggling with similar and worse problems was only fanning the fires of my own hopelessness.

My personal struggle at this point is finding motivation and passion without drugs. I'm sure I am still suffering PAWS but I got to wonder where my natural baseline is at this point in my life; I'm not a spry youth anymore and since sobering up I really feel my age. I'm hoping this gets better because I got a lot of ground to make up career-wise and such.

But I'm sober now, I never gave into suicide idealization and I still have a good bit of potential left to grow into. There is still plenty of living for me to do, I just have to fake it until I make it.

To everyone else struggling with addiction, I wish you the best. To all you guys (e.g. NSA, phactor, Xorkoth, others that escape me atm.....and herbavore who was never an addict) that have made it into active recovery and beyond and stick around here to help us addicts, you truly are earth-bound angels and your contributions here are so very appreciated! CATINTHEHAT Idk where you are in your recovery but you definitely fall in this list as well. I have nothing but love and appreciation for everyone here that gives a shit about us junkies!
 
Safe dude!

I too have been suffering from suicidial ideation. I'm on the mend a little bit though, perhaps because.......I'm clean again. Yay!

I had slipped back in to having a little bit of an opiate habit again at the back end of moneths of tapering down on the benzos but I knocked it all on the head seven days ago and I have been blessed with a relatively easy detox. Was thinking it shouldn't be too hard as I was down to 8mg on the diazepam but you never know with these things.

My personal life is somewhat in tatters but I'm much more positive about the future.
 
CAT, I'm glad to know that you are hanging in there. You have been such a big help in my recovery, I pray you've earned your wings and your life/burdens will lighten up soon!
 
I just wanted to check in. I want to share the fact that I'm finally having days that I feel good. Finally having good days. The cloud of dispair I is finally lifting. 8 months is a long time to feel hopeless, to not feel any pleasure or happiness but it's not forever.

Working out with weights every other day and doing some kind of easy cardio (elliptical or walking/hiking) everyday makes a huge difference. I can't stand waking up early to hit the gym but I know it makes the difference between a lackluster day and a day full of potential, so I force myself to do it.

I'm also becoming addicted to protien smoothies after I work out. I throw in kale, chard, beet root and greens, blueberries, and avocado...so good. I started throwing in flax seed and just bought hemp milk to up my exposure to omega fatty acids.

Yep, I'm feeling great these days. Just so grateful to not be feeling like shit all the time!

Edit: just to be clear, when I say I feel great these days I mean I don't feel like shit and life doesn't seem hopeless. Compared to where I was just a couple of weeks ago, this is a colossal improvement. However some truly great days are sprinkled in there as well. Being open to gratitude does make it easier to having good days fo sho!
 
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Azure
Thanks for the update I was just thinking about you the other day wondering how you were doing. Happy to hear things are better. You have been through so much and still inspire people to push through the hard times.
Seasons pass although sometimes it feels like they never will.
Those protein shakes sound pretty good might have to try one myself. Wishing you continued peace and happiness. ?
 
Azure!<3 I've been missing your voice around here but so glad to know your absence has been do to improvements--how wonderful! Diet and exercise can cure so much when it comes to mood and the ability to handle things and yet so many people never give them enough time to work. I myself have been carrying over the bad habits of the holidays and here we are coming into March pretty soon--time to take my blinders off and plan for exercise every day. I find if I don't make a plan, I just put it off until it is too late.

I'm really happy for you and grateful that you checked back in.<3
 
Sosick said:
Azure
Thanks for the update I was just thinking about you the other day wondering how you were doing. Happy to hear things are better. You have been through so much and still inspire people to push through the hard times.
Seasons pass although sometimes it feels like they never will.
Those protein shakes sound pretty good might have to try one myself. Wishing you continued peace and happiness. ?
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Well hey there Sosick! <3 I'm very happy to see you're still here as well. I hope you've found a good compromise between medicine and pain. Really feel for you and hope the very best for you and your situation.<3

The protein shakes are really good...lol....I'm sure raw beets and chard take some getting used to but I feel so good after drinking these, especially after a good workout, that I truly believe they are delicious. I think the flax seed and hemp really do contribute to a sense of well being as they are very high in omega fatty acids. And the beets are loaded in antioxidants so in my imagination I can feeI the free radicals being sucked out of my system.
 
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