I need to stop doing coke before I die.

[SaciPerere]

> 29 years old
> Law Degree
> Makes 50 K a year
> Has ADD
> Been struggling with cocaine addiction for the past 4 years
> Also smokes weed for over a decade, never bothered me and I dont intend to quit this
> Doesnt drink nor does any other drugs
> Has been to Rehab, 3 different shrinks, NA, tried many different medicines like seroquel or Xanax during abstinence crisis
> Used to do coke everyday, quit for 6 months, now has been doing it once per week.
> Lives is Brazil, where pure cocaine is inexpensive(about 10 dollars for a gram of the fishscale (escama de peixe)
> Am about to lose job, fianceé... parents already gave up on me

Is there any magical formula? I'm a slave to cocaine and I have no idea what to do, I tried everything by the book.

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey Saci and welcome to Bluelight. Sorry to hear that you are struggling with a strong coke addiction. It really is such a strong one. I think the best thing to learn how to do is deal with the cravings. Do you even enjoy the effects any more?

 

[Maya]

OP, I also like the drug but there is no magic formula for it, it is your will power. Everyday I am fighting the urge to use the drug again. You have to just try to fight it, try harder everyday.

 

[Allein]

Hi SaciPerere,

I found coke the most most strangely compelling substance I've ever had a habit for, I carried on taking it even when it was making me feel anxious and sketchy. That whole 'one more line and I'll feel great again' seemed a very strong component of my continued use and drove many length binges.

Lack of quality product, price and the sudden availability of a cheaper and more reliable stimulant was the only thing that shifted me away from that particular train wreck.

Do you have any other health issues?, cocaine is known to cause hearth problems in chronic use but using once a week, whilst not a healthy practice doesnt bring a huge risk of immediate death.

How is your mental health ? I found cocaine drove my anxiety like nothing else. From a personal perspective my mental health is a major component of my ongoing issues with stimulant use and whilst there is a 'chicken and egg' element to that whole area it doesn't make addressing such things any less important when trying to gain control over impulsive drug use.

 

[Maya]

^allein it is actually weird, I don't get the anxiety the following day or while using but a week after... Do you experience the anxiety right at the time of use? How bad was it?

 

[T. Calderone]

You say your parents gave up on you, and you're about to lose your job and fiancé. Even if you've been to rehab before and it didn't work, you may want to consider going again. Don't wait until you lose everything to seek help.

 

[ad lib]

Don't wait until you lose everything to seek help.

This.

You seem successfull in your line of work right now, OP, but the sooner you get help to stay clean, the better off you'll be.

Sobriety is a life long journey. Not something you go to for a couple weeks then forget about. Some people go to rehab various times before it actually "sticks" with them. This will not make you any less of a person, rather, it will make you feel stronger once you overcome your habit.

 

[Ubi]

Remove yourself if you can from friendly dealers, routine hangouts or any other triggers that would assist your struggle.
Almost a shame your down yonder where it is a purer substance.

Questions you must ask yourself are things you already are. Like, 'is it really F__ing worth it to lose everything, every other person you care about and NEED in your life over this little pack of white stuff.

Its a shitty road to haul. It is very difficult saying no to something that holds little judgements in those moments of escape; but remember, it is not real. and while your numbing your face off and burrowing a hole through your nasal septum, the one's you love wait for your return.

 

[sinclair1984]

hey man sorry to hear your having such a tough time. I'm battling addiction too. I'm not a cocaine addict but Its all the same when it comes to cravings. I just want to say that if there's people who love you, even the ones that may have given up on you, think of them..that helps me sometimes.

 

[badfish45]

You say your parents gave up on you, and you're about to lose your job and fiancé. Even if you've been to rehab before and it didn't work, you may want to consider going again. Don't wait until you lose everything to seek help.

This. There was more than likely a discrepancy when you went last time. The programs will give you all the tools but you need to have the determination to keep fighting and to not let yourself sink back into the same cycle. When you broke your abstinence last time, did you have a good or bad feeling about it? It is easy for old habits to come back and convince us that the way we were living before was better but there is a whole future ahead of you that cocaine will take down the drain with you. Spend the money you would spend on cocaine on things and people more worth your time. Cut off connection with your friends who use; if they are real friends they will stick with you after you quit and respect your decision.

Practice healthy habits;

-eat better
-exercise more
-find a spiritual place in life whatever it may be
- PRACTICE LUCID DREAMING

 

[Allein]

^allein it is actually weird, I don't get the anxiety the following day or while using but a week after... Do you experience the anxiety right at the time of use? How bad was it?

Mostly whilst actually using in the end, it just made me very sketchy and I got trapped into the idea that more would make me feel better, which it never did. I started drinking heavily at the same time, coke really spelt the start of a new more abusive phase of my drug use and it was only circumstance that stopped me using.

I agree with what others have stated, seek help so that you can start acknowledging the reasons why you use and make steps to start dealing with those things, it's not about stopping tomorrow its about working towards building a happy life without this destructive behaviour.

I'm not preaching, I've recently taken some steps in doing this myself, it's early days but today a had a really good meeting with a counsellor, I can rationalise and intellectualise almost anything but need help in genuinely confronting the reasons why I need to fill my life with chemicals. Your clearly not happy with the situation and I suspect you need to make bigger changes in order to be able to cease using.

Best wishes

 

[SaciPerere]

Thank you so much for all your useful answers, indeed, it is both a shame and a bliss that I live in a major South American cocaine route. When I lived in the US, I would get average cocaine for about $70 a gram, but here in Brazil I can get double the quality for half the price. I kinda miss living in the US though, at least there I ran out of money before having a chance to overdose.

Rehab is a no-no now, I need to work to pay my rent, and I cant simply tell my boss I'm going on a 90 day vacation, I go to extremes to keep my addiction a secret at the office. As someone said, the dangerous thing about coke is that feeling "if I just do one more line I will be hype again", this can work up to 72 hours, but the longer you go, the worst is the crash(if it wasnt for the wonderful sedative power of Seroquel I would long have commited suicide). Someone also asked me if I still get the effects of cocaine, I get about a 1/5 than when I first started, which is even more dispairing, I barelly feel any euphoria anymore.

Been sober for a week, but the most important day is today. Cheers!!

 

[T. Calderone]

One week is great! I was into cocaine bad when I lived in Florida, many people I knew used it. So it seemed like every time I turned around someone was offering me a hit or planning to get more. I had trouble saying no. When I decided to stop for good I told my friends I was done but they still called me. So I got a new phone number and also deleted all contacts and people I used with.

It was not easy in the beginning because my thoughts were I will keep this one number "just in case." But the resolve must be, "it's going to stop now." Do it now and don't look back. You might still have cravings to use, but it does get easier. You can do this and this will be your chance to get your life back!

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Great work on the week, love the fact that you recognise the only day that really matters in keeping addiction at bay is the present one (although for me long term direction is important too).

Every day when you wake up ask yourself what actions you are going to take to move yourself away from wanting to use, and what potential dangers there are during the day that will make you want to use and how to avoid them if possible or how you will get through them as positively as possible if they are unavoidable.

Always remember the day you made this post too, and ask yourself whether a line of coke is worth the chance of ending up back in that place again.

Most importantly though, ENJOY being drug free, and everything you can achieve without the shackles of addiction! Great to hear from someone beating their habit one day at a time.

 

[SaciPerere]

Still clean, though my fiancé is giving me a very tough time. She keeps patrolling me and doesn't believe Im clean, she keeps going through my stuff and giving me moral lectures all the time, I can't put up with this shit anymore, it really bothers me, especially her constant violations of my privacy. I moved in with her because I thought it would help me, it really did for a time, but she's terrorizing me now. I think Im moving out, my relationship with her has been damaged beyond repair due to my wild cocaine addiction, she acts more like an angry mother than a lover and I barely feel any sexual attraction towards her anymore.

 

[T. Calderone]

Tell your fiancé that you need her support, but not for her to be a policewoman. You need to communicate to her that this mistrust is causing you to struggle more. I'm afraid you might be tempted to relapse if you move out. Don't make any hasty decisions yet.

 

[SaciPerere]

Tell your fiancé that you need her support, but not for her to be a policewoman. You need to communicate to her that this mistrust is causing you to struggle more. I'm afraid you might be tempted to relapse if you move out. Don't make any hasty decisions yet.

Ha, a policewoman? More like a S.S officer right out of Dachau. Our relationship is damaged beyond repair, unfortunately, I know it will be dangerous for me to move out as I'm still very fragile, but all we do is fight the whole fucking time, she just DOESN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP. Even now as i type this she's yelling at me, and I'm like "whatever girl, I pay half the rent." Our apartment is really small, so I can't avoid her even if I try.

UPDATE: She's now telling me that she is going to drug test me twice a week, LOL, poor thing. Seems like I will be moving out sooner than I thought.

 

[Xorkoth]

I hope this development doesn't damage your willpower. It does sound like a toxic situation right now, I know firsthand how resentment because of drug addiction can become extremely intense. My wife didn't get that way until she had helped nurture me through withdrawal and then I relapsed 4 or 5 times. I also believe our relationship is beyond repair and it's better for both of us to move on. It was so toxic when we were trying to be together at the end.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Sounds toxic to a degree but you've got to remember all the times you've broken her trust and these actions are a direct result of yours.

It sounds unreasonable but I would ride it out at least for a few weeks to see how things pan out, you can't expect all the trust you have broken down to suddenly be returned just because you've got clean. Human beings' emotions don't work like that, she will need time to be able to believe what you actually say. As of this moment she has no reason to believe you.

If you're not sexually attracted to her any more then that's a different matter though and seperate really. If I loved someone and wanted to spend my life with them I'd happily piss in a cup twice a week for a few months to repair years of damage I've caused. The fact you don't want to do that is somewhat telling I think.

 

[SaciPerere]

Sounds toxic to a degree but you've got to remember all the times you've broken her trust and these actions are a direct result of yours.

It sounds unreasonable but I would ride it out at least for a few weeks to see how things pan out, you can't expect all the trust you have broken down to suddenly be returned just because you've got clean. Human beings' emotions don't work like that, she will need time to be able to believe what you actually say. As of this moment she has no reason to believe you.

If you're not sexually attracted to her any more then that's a different matter though and seperate really. If I loved someone and wanted to spend my life with them I'd happily piss in a cup twice a week for a few months to repair years of damage I've caused. The fact you don't want to do that is somewhat telling I think.

I kinda agree with you, she certainly has reason to be suspicious about me, but I'm not pissing on a cup for her nor for anyone else, thats something my parents made me do when I was 16! I'm freaking 29 years old now, and despite my short comings, I have a college degree, a decent job, a roof over my head, and have never failed to provide financially either for myself or for my significant other, even though I have always been on the wild side of life. Frankly, I would find quite dishonorable to submit myself to such a humiliation.