Trippingballz
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 5, 2009
- Messages
- 117
Hello Bluelight,
I am not sure if I am posting in the right section or not, but hopefully I am. I hope I do not make anyone mad like the moderators or any of its users, so my apologies in advance for anything I may do wrong or inadvertently.
The past year or so has been pretty tough for me, with constant self letdowns and personal disappointments, all resulting for my inability to stop and quit using methamphetamine's. I have a long drug history and past that date back to when I was a teenager, and going over that complete history would take way long to do right now. So I am basically trying to focus this thread specifically for crystal methamphetamine in regards to my health. I am concerned if this recently acquired habit of mine has done specific damage to my body..This is why I made this thread basically. Any info would be appreciated, as I feel so alone and helpless right now.
My duration and use of crystal meth has been for about the last (1) year. (I know not long at all compared to reading other people's duration and time spent on this substance) I took up this habit after a break up with my ex-gf. We had a volatile and relationship, that spanned over about 10 years. It was good the first few years, but took a bad turn once I made the mistake of asking for a open relationship, which led to cheating on each other (both her and I), constant fights, abuse (physical, verbal, and psychological), all marred and tangled with my own personal substance abuse problems that ranged from marijuana, mushrooms, nitrous oxide, prescription pills, ecstasy, cocaine, and has finally led me to the last and worst one in my opinion crystal meth. She also would use various substances, some, but not all of what I listed plus a seriously bad LSD trip (which lasted for 3 days), that I still can not forget to this day and I personally think has somewhat traumatized me (if that makes sense).
Back to crystal. Once my ex finally decided to leave, and move out completely, I started hanging out with another girl, one who I had previously cheated on my ex with maybe 2-3 times. I knew she had used meth before, a year or two before the breakup I had watched her do some, but never did it myself. Once my ex-gf was out of the picture though, my mind was made up that I wanted to try it out. Big mistake and regret I have now.
I ended up smoking with her for my first time. Of course sex went hand and hand with it. I immediately was hooked. First time I took maybe 3-5 hits total over that day. I remember while on my way home from my first day using, telling myself I should go to rehab immediately. I knew myself deep down, and knew I was going to go down a horrible road. But for whatever reason, I didn't and thought I could control my usage. Approximately a day after I used, I remember having withdrawals, which seemed so odd to me. Being it was a 80 degree night the next day, I remember sweating, being extremely cold and having to put on a sweater. It was really strange, but I thought nothing of it.
From that first time I tried it, I began to invite the new girl over all the time. Started off only on weekends of course, friday-saturday. That eventually led to Friday through Sunday. Soon Thursday nights I was inviting her over, to the point where I pretty much started being a regular and consistent user. She taught me how to use it, how to smoke it, how to clean the pipe, everything, all while having copious amounts of sex while under influence.
Eventually I began to realize new girl was basically only after my money. She was also my dealer at first, but it got to the point where I realized she was skimming me on my sacks. This is when I began to expand my resources and began picking up from maybe 2-3 other people as well. Being I become impatient when I want something, I always wanted to have my own personal fall backs in case someone doesn't come through for me. So now I began using and getting crystal from different people, all so I could constantly stay high whenever I wanted to.
My primary and favorite way to use crystal is smoking it. I have never injected, and have snorted it a handful of times as well. But with smoking of it, I have built a strong tolerance, and have become increasingly, over time, more and more addicted and dependant on it. My usage and amount had skyrocketed over time, and being the idiot I am, I did not do any research into or about this substance, until recently.
I have got to the point now, where I am having a lot of problems because of my use and frequency. I am missing more and more work all the time, having to call in sick; I have had out bursts with my temper at people at work, family members, friends I am sure. I am no longer allowed to live by myself at my personal place and am currently living with family members elsewhere. I have lost all credibility with my family, have lost many previous good friends, I neglect the people I love that support and help me. And I am sure I am hurting them more than they let me believe I am. I was at one point in my life a few years ago about 217 pounds, weighed myself the other day and was at 192.5 pounds. Lost a lot I think in the span of a year. Despite all these negative things, I still have not stopped using.
Probably the last 4 months or so, I have had some other serious problems, health wise with my body. I have now officially attended the Emergency room 4 times in that 4 months or so. I want to say I ended up in the ER because I "overdosed", but perhaps some of them were just severe anxiety attacks, and maybe they were not overdoses at all, but I interpreted it as one.. I will try to explain..
First ER visit: After smoking crystal for at least 2-3 days straight with little to no food or water, I began to notice my left wrist had gone completely numb. Feels like a watch that's on your wrist almost. I began trying to look up online what it may be, read somewhere online it could possibly be a stroke, freaked out, and went to the ER. They basically told me not to do meth anymore, that it's the chemicals inside making me feel that sensation, and that if I keep doing it, it might come back. They gave me a IV, a benzo, and sent me on my way.
Probably only lasted 3-5 days clean max before I started using again. Always telling myself I only will do "a little bit" this next time, I got it, and I won't let myself get back to that point..
Second ER visit: Had been smoking crystal excessively/ binging one weekend. Had not slept much, did not have much food or water for probably 3 days. I remember from the time I had smoked my last bowl, it was about 3 hours in the morning. I decided I needed to eat something, made myself a frozen burrito, drank some water. I remember after finishing eating, I needed to go to the bathroom. I got up from the couch, took about 3 steps, and noticed I was extremely and horribly dizzy. I knew something was wrong, took a couple more steps, than I completely blacked out. I remember I was so dizzy, I knew I was going to just collapse and fall down. I have no clue at all how long I was out, I am guessing maybe anywhere from 3-5 minutes. I woke up on my carpet, and was freaking out. I noticed my breathing had become irregular. Super shallow, maybe even partly hyperventilating. I got up, crying now, took another 10 steps into my kitchen. I remember going to the sink, turning the faucet on, drinking water, and boom, passed out again at the sink. Woke up on the floor of my kitchen, no clue how long I was out again. I called my parents immediately and told them they needed to pick me up right away. Walking from my place to my parking lot was probably a good 20-30 yards. While walking outside (I didn't want to be inside anymore) I noticed my breathing was still shallow, I seemed confused, was having a panic attack for sure and talking to myself. Went to the same ER I had been before, this time though with my parents (I did not tell anyone about my first visit to the ER and fessed up to them while they were with me the second time). It was basically the same old shtick all over again. Hook me up to EKG machine, ask me what I took and what happened, I get a IV, a benzo, and I am on my way.
5 days lasted clean before I began to start using again.
3rd ER visit: Had been smoking a good amount of crystal again. Probably up for a few days, can not remember exactly. I remember it being Sunday night, and at my grandparents place (my new place to live after I got kicked out of my own place). I remember just smoking a huge bowl in the garage. I can't even remember how many hits I took in a row, must of been like 8-10. I decided I was over doing it, so I stopped. Approximately 2 hours from when I last smoked, I remember going to my room and laying down. My heart rate was beating excessively fast. I began to panic. Another panic attack. From there, I began feeling the same thing that has happened to me right before I had blacked out. My breathing became shallow, I was hyperventilating, I was beginning to feel dizzy. I didn't want to black out again, so this time I called 911. I remember being on the phone and so mad at myself, I was cursing at myself for being so fucking stupid for doing it all over again. They called and dispatched 2 police cars and 2 firetrucks. I got off the phone with the operator when I saw the first cop car pulling up. I ran outside waving my hands, but he somehow didn't see me, drove right by and went around a different street. I see a firetruck pull up next across the street from me. Here is where I did not feel human any longer or had any dignity anymore. I run up to the truck, i'm wearing just basketball shorts, not shirt, i'm shivering and cold but freaking out. I run up to the window trying to tell them they are here for me, and they basically told me they had to wait for the cops first for some reason. They made me go back to the house and wait. Then I guess cops finally found right house, I told them it was for me and they cleared the fire department people to do their thing. Seemed like the fire dept. must of been having a bad night, because they all seemed to have a grudge against me for making them show up for a stupid druggie. I had one guy ask me if I am on any medicines, I tried to say " Medical marijua.." and I was interrupted half way by a older gentleman who told me that "Marijuana is not a medicine and I need to be quiet". They then hooked me up to the EKG machine. I could hear my heart pounding. Same old grumpy dude says "We have a winner". I was freaking out more, thinking my heart was going to explode. I tried asking him what does that mean? How fast is it? And the old guy gets all mad and basically tells me to shut up and be quiet, not to worry, that my heart rate wasn't even that high compared to others, basically scolded me again. Same guy injects me with needle and IV, I remember it hurting so fucking bad, I know for a fact he did it on purpose because he didn't want to be there for my call. I understood that. I had a bruise on my arm for a solid week after that. So we get to the ER, I get loaded off the truck, put inside. Same thing all over again, EKG machine, ask me what happened, give me a benzo. I was on my way probably in and out of that ER in 1 hour or less. Another lady inside the ER chewed me out because I was cursing while explaining to the Dr.s what my situation was and what happened. She chewed me out in front of like 20 people, about how I need to watch my mouth and be respectful, something along those lines. I felt less than human this third time around, I felt inferior and below everyone, the firetruck people, the ER people, the Dr. I was just another drug idiot wasting everyone's time basically. I felt so fucking bad. No one cared. No one has pity for me, it's all just a standard protocol to them it seems. So I get discharged in a hour, take a taxi back to where I was staying. Threw away my pipe, flushed all my shit, swore up and down I will never do it again.
Lasted probably about 5 days again before I started using again.
4th ER visit: Fast forward to last night, another Sunday night again. I had been using less in terms of quantity, but still smoking pretty consistently 3 times a day at least for the last 4 days or so. The night before I had gone back to my place, I remember smoking a lot quickly. I took probably somewhere like 6-8 hits in a row back to back. I remember getting up to do something and feeling that dizziness again. How the fuck did I do this again? I knew to stop, so I did, I ate some food, My breathing had begun to feel irregular, walking I would have to lean on things to not fall down. Ate some food, drank eater, felt a tad better, went home to my families place and was alright that night. Next day, feeling better, was moving some stuff around my personal place but feeling really stressed out about it all day. Decided I could smoke just a little bit and be good. Smoked a few times there, then went back to where I actually sleep at night and smoked more there. Around 12 A.M I had my last bowl. I was convinced I would be asleep by 2 AM and able to get some rest and go to work this morning. Was unable to sleep of course, and then I noticed it happening again. Probably 7 hours after my last session, I noticed during that time, it only kept speeding up faster and faster. I was having horrible sensations. Both wrists and hands numb, feet going numb, bottom of feet felt wet for some reason, my breathing was shallow, hyperventilating. I wasn't dizzy, but when I layed down I noticed my heart was going so fast and my breathing so slow. Started to freak out. Noticed the numbness sensation crawling up my neck and head. Body temperature was rising, I am sweating, but am freezing cold at the same time. I couldn't believe how stupid I was, doing it all over again. Monday morning I should be going to work, but instead I did this bullshit again. I coudn't bare to tell my family again. If I did, I was afraid I would lose everything, I have already lost so much this year, I didn't want to lose anymore. So I lied. I told them I feel like I have a fever, the flu, told them all that, and that I was going to my urgent care center to get some medicine and checked out. Drove myself really to the ER, and did it all over again this morning. Of course, I felt horrible, sad, depressed, inferior to all of the staff. I feel like they all look down at me, down upon me as a person, make me feel fucking horrible and useless. Threw me in the corner away from sight, away from everyone else. Main nurse you could tell just really didn't give a shit deep down about me, but it's OK, I understand that they just probably don't get it. I was probably the same at one point when I never had done meth either and would look down upon people that did. So it's all good. Same thing all over again, I get a EKG, I get a IV, I get my benzo which brings my heart rate down and makes all my bad feelings go away that I was having.
So that is my journey, my own personal account of the hell life I have lived this year. Fucked up so many times, I get chances to redeem myself only to shit it all away and fuck up again. The cycle continues.
As I sit here writing this, my left wrist is still numb, my lower back hurts, I am sweating, feeling like shit.
I guess my question is, how much damage have I done? Is this damage at all reversible If I ever really finally stop using? Last night I was having the strangest feelings and sensations in my body. Along with all the numbness in my extremities, I was having a feeling all over my body which I tried explaining to the ER Dr. the best I could, it felt like my blood vessels inside my body were exploding, various places like my feet, legs, thighs, butt arms, neck head, was constantly moving throughout my body. He thought it was a combination of just muscle twitching and the chemicals just making it feel like that. What could this possibly be? Anyone know? Also my hands, feet, when this happens to me, feel so cold, feels like my veins are popping inside and trying to pop out of my skin, you can see my veins, I noticed my skin color would change from pink to blue than back to pink with movement. I am so concerned that I have done some sort of damage to my body, my veins in particular. I now methamphetamines are a vaso constrictor I believe? So they shrink your blood vessels right? What kind of damage could I have possibly done to them?
I sit here a mess. I am completely alone, miserable, depressed, and unhappy with what I have done with myself and my life recently. I have been told countless times that if I don't stop, eventually I will have a heart attack and or stroke and will die. Even with this prospect, I still have continued to fuck up. I only hope, and pray that I can stay away from meth forever. There is not too many more chances I will get. I know this. I have been seeing my psychiatrist again recently, and have enrolled myself for research at a school about my problem and what has been happening. I know I thought I could do it on my own, quit when I wanted to, but I have been completely wrong. I have become a slave to meth, it is fucking horrible. I only hope I can quit and regain my health, and hopefully take my life back. Finish school, follow my passions again like music and film, and patch up relationships with so many people I have hurt. Someone suggested in patient rehab, which I may have to consider now as well.
Any information for those that read this would be appreciated. Anything that could maybe could explain why I have some horrible side effects from use. I really hope I change for the better. As one good friend put it "100 miles in the woods, 100 miles out", I know I have a long journey to go to get out of the hell I created and pursued.
My biggest regret in my life is trying meth. My second biggest regret is my continued use of meth when I know I shouldn't. In terms of addictiveness, meth is by far the most addictive and powerful substance I have ever used, and has caused me the most negative side effects from it.
If you have never done meth but were thinking about doing it, please just read my story. Don't open pandora's box. Don't let the devil, satan, pure evil, whatever you want to call it, into your life. I beg any of you to not do it, to not over do it, to not eat or drink or stay up days at a time.
If I can persuade even a few people not to do it by this threat, I will feel so good.
Don't do meth, don't end up like me. And I hope no one judges me for my reckless and irresponsible ignorance and actions that I have committed. I know how bad this is. I want out of this hell, I want off of the meth. I will pray right now for myself to get better and the damage to be minute.
God bless you all and please, please don't use meth
I am not sure if I am posting in the right section or not, but hopefully I am. I hope I do not make anyone mad like the moderators or any of its users, so my apologies in advance for anything I may do wrong or inadvertently.
The past year or so has been pretty tough for me, with constant self letdowns and personal disappointments, all resulting for my inability to stop and quit using methamphetamine's. I have a long drug history and past that date back to when I was a teenager, and going over that complete history would take way long to do right now. So I am basically trying to focus this thread specifically for crystal methamphetamine in regards to my health. I am concerned if this recently acquired habit of mine has done specific damage to my body..This is why I made this thread basically. Any info would be appreciated, as I feel so alone and helpless right now.
My duration and use of crystal meth has been for about the last (1) year. (I know not long at all compared to reading other people's duration and time spent on this substance) I took up this habit after a break up with my ex-gf. We had a volatile and relationship, that spanned over about 10 years. It was good the first few years, but took a bad turn once I made the mistake of asking for a open relationship, which led to cheating on each other (both her and I), constant fights, abuse (physical, verbal, and psychological), all marred and tangled with my own personal substance abuse problems that ranged from marijuana, mushrooms, nitrous oxide, prescription pills, ecstasy, cocaine, and has finally led me to the last and worst one in my opinion crystal meth. She also would use various substances, some, but not all of what I listed plus a seriously bad LSD trip (which lasted for 3 days), that I still can not forget to this day and I personally think has somewhat traumatized me (if that makes sense).
Back to crystal. Once my ex finally decided to leave, and move out completely, I started hanging out with another girl, one who I had previously cheated on my ex with maybe 2-3 times. I knew she had used meth before, a year or two before the breakup I had watched her do some, but never did it myself. Once my ex-gf was out of the picture though, my mind was made up that I wanted to try it out. Big mistake and regret I have now.
I ended up smoking with her for my first time. Of course sex went hand and hand with it. I immediately was hooked. First time I took maybe 3-5 hits total over that day. I remember while on my way home from my first day using, telling myself I should go to rehab immediately. I knew myself deep down, and knew I was going to go down a horrible road. But for whatever reason, I didn't and thought I could control my usage. Approximately a day after I used, I remember having withdrawals, which seemed so odd to me. Being it was a 80 degree night the next day, I remember sweating, being extremely cold and having to put on a sweater. It was really strange, but I thought nothing of it.
From that first time I tried it, I began to invite the new girl over all the time. Started off only on weekends of course, friday-saturday. That eventually led to Friday through Sunday. Soon Thursday nights I was inviting her over, to the point where I pretty much started being a regular and consistent user. She taught me how to use it, how to smoke it, how to clean the pipe, everything, all while having copious amounts of sex while under influence.
Eventually I began to realize new girl was basically only after my money. She was also my dealer at first, but it got to the point where I realized she was skimming me on my sacks. This is when I began to expand my resources and began picking up from maybe 2-3 other people as well. Being I become impatient when I want something, I always wanted to have my own personal fall backs in case someone doesn't come through for me. So now I began using and getting crystal from different people, all so I could constantly stay high whenever I wanted to.
My primary and favorite way to use crystal is smoking it. I have never injected, and have snorted it a handful of times as well. But with smoking of it, I have built a strong tolerance, and have become increasingly, over time, more and more addicted and dependant on it. My usage and amount had skyrocketed over time, and being the idiot I am, I did not do any research into or about this substance, until recently.
I have got to the point now, where I am having a lot of problems because of my use and frequency. I am missing more and more work all the time, having to call in sick; I have had out bursts with my temper at people at work, family members, friends I am sure. I am no longer allowed to live by myself at my personal place and am currently living with family members elsewhere. I have lost all credibility with my family, have lost many previous good friends, I neglect the people I love that support and help me. And I am sure I am hurting them more than they let me believe I am. I was at one point in my life a few years ago about 217 pounds, weighed myself the other day and was at 192.5 pounds. Lost a lot I think in the span of a year. Despite all these negative things, I still have not stopped using.
Probably the last 4 months or so, I have had some other serious problems, health wise with my body. I have now officially attended the Emergency room 4 times in that 4 months or so. I want to say I ended up in the ER because I "overdosed", but perhaps some of them were just severe anxiety attacks, and maybe they were not overdoses at all, but I interpreted it as one.. I will try to explain..
First ER visit: After smoking crystal for at least 2-3 days straight with little to no food or water, I began to notice my left wrist had gone completely numb. Feels like a watch that's on your wrist almost. I began trying to look up online what it may be, read somewhere online it could possibly be a stroke, freaked out, and went to the ER. They basically told me not to do meth anymore, that it's the chemicals inside making me feel that sensation, and that if I keep doing it, it might come back. They gave me a IV, a benzo, and sent me on my way.
Probably only lasted 3-5 days clean max before I started using again. Always telling myself I only will do "a little bit" this next time, I got it, and I won't let myself get back to that point..
Second ER visit: Had been smoking crystal excessively/ binging one weekend. Had not slept much, did not have much food or water for probably 3 days. I remember from the time I had smoked my last bowl, it was about 3 hours in the morning. I decided I needed to eat something, made myself a frozen burrito, drank some water. I remember after finishing eating, I needed to go to the bathroom. I got up from the couch, took about 3 steps, and noticed I was extremely and horribly dizzy. I knew something was wrong, took a couple more steps, than I completely blacked out. I remember I was so dizzy, I knew I was going to just collapse and fall down. I have no clue at all how long I was out, I am guessing maybe anywhere from 3-5 minutes. I woke up on my carpet, and was freaking out. I noticed my breathing had become irregular. Super shallow, maybe even partly hyperventilating. I got up, crying now, took another 10 steps into my kitchen. I remember going to the sink, turning the faucet on, drinking water, and boom, passed out again at the sink. Woke up on the floor of my kitchen, no clue how long I was out again. I called my parents immediately and told them they needed to pick me up right away. Walking from my place to my parking lot was probably a good 20-30 yards. While walking outside (I didn't want to be inside anymore) I noticed my breathing was still shallow, I seemed confused, was having a panic attack for sure and talking to myself. Went to the same ER I had been before, this time though with my parents (I did not tell anyone about my first visit to the ER and fessed up to them while they were with me the second time). It was basically the same old shtick all over again. Hook me up to EKG machine, ask me what I took and what happened, I get a IV, a benzo, and I am on my way.
5 days lasted clean before I began to start using again.
3rd ER visit: Had been smoking a good amount of crystal again. Probably up for a few days, can not remember exactly. I remember it being Sunday night, and at my grandparents place (my new place to live after I got kicked out of my own place). I remember just smoking a huge bowl in the garage. I can't even remember how many hits I took in a row, must of been like 8-10. I decided I was over doing it, so I stopped. Approximately 2 hours from when I last smoked, I remember going to my room and laying down. My heart rate was beating excessively fast. I began to panic. Another panic attack. From there, I began feeling the same thing that has happened to me right before I had blacked out. My breathing became shallow, I was hyperventilating, I was beginning to feel dizzy. I didn't want to black out again, so this time I called 911. I remember being on the phone and so mad at myself, I was cursing at myself for being so fucking stupid for doing it all over again. They called and dispatched 2 police cars and 2 firetrucks. I got off the phone with the operator when I saw the first cop car pulling up. I ran outside waving my hands, but he somehow didn't see me, drove right by and went around a different street. I see a firetruck pull up next across the street from me. Here is where I did not feel human any longer or had any dignity anymore. I run up to the truck, i'm wearing just basketball shorts, not shirt, i'm shivering and cold but freaking out. I run up to the window trying to tell them they are here for me, and they basically told me they had to wait for the cops first for some reason. They made me go back to the house and wait. Then I guess cops finally found right house, I told them it was for me and they cleared the fire department people to do their thing. Seemed like the fire dept. must of been having a bad night, because they all seemed to have a grudge against me for making them show up for a stupid druggie. I had one guy ask me if I am on any medicines, I tried to say " Medical marijua.." and I was interrupted half way by a older gentleman who told me that "Marijuana is not a medicine and I need to be quiet". They then hooked me up to the EKG machine. I could hear my heart pounding. Same old grumpy dude says "We have a winner". I was freaking out more, thinking my heart was going to explode. I tried asking him what does that mean? How fast is it? And the old guy gets all mad and basically tells me to shut up and be quiet, not to worry, that my heart rate wasn't even that high compared to others, basically scolded me again. Same guy injects me with needle and IV, I remember it hurting so fucking bad, I know for a fact he did it on purpose because he didn't want to be there for my call. I understood that. I had a bruise on my arm for a solid week after that. So we get to the ER, I get loaded off the truck, put inside. Same thing all over again, EKG machine, ask me what happened, give me a benzo. I was on my way probably in and out of that ER in 1 hour or less. Another lady inside the ER chewed me out because I was cursing while explaining to the Dr.s what my situation was and what happened. She chewed me out in front of like 20 people, about how I need to watch my mouth and be respectful, something along those lines. I felt less than human this third time around, I felt inferior and below everyone, the firetruck people, the ER people, the Dr. I was just another drug idiot wasting everyone's time basically. I felt so fucking bad. No one cared. No one has pity for me, it's all just a standard protocol to them it seems. So I get discharged in a hour, take a taxi back to where I was staying. Threw away my pipe, flushed all my shit, swore up and down I will never do it again.
Lasted probably about 5 days again before I started using again.
4th ER visit: Fast forward to last night, another Sunday night again. I had been using less in terms of quantity, but still smoking pretty consistently 3 times a day at least for the last 4 days or so. The night before I had gone back to my place, I remember smoking a lot quickly. I took probably somewhere like 6-8 hits in a row back to back. I remember getting up to do something and feeling that dizziness again. How the fuck did I do this again? I knew to stop, so I did, I ate some food, My breathing had begun to feel irregular, walking I would have to lean on things to not fall down. Ate some food, drank eater, felt a tad better, went home to my families place and was alright that night. Next day, feeling better, was moving some stuff around my personal place but feeling really stressed out about it all day. Decided I could smoke just a little bit and be good. Smoked a few times there, then went back to where I actually sleep at night and smoked more there. Around 12 A.M I had my last bowl. I was convinced I would be asleep by 2 AM and able to get some rest and go to work this morning. Was unable to sleep of course, and then I noticed it happening again. Probably 7 hours after my last session, I noticed during that time, it only kept speeding up faster and faster. I was having horrible sensations. Both wrists and hands numb, feet going numb, bottom of feet felt wet for some reason, my breathing was shallow, hyperventilating. I wasn't dizzy, but when I layed down I noticed my heart was going so fast and my breathing so slow. Started to freak out. Noticed the numbness sensation crawling up my neck and head. Body temperature was rising, I am sweating, but am freezing cold at the same time. I couldn't believe how stupid I was, doing it all over again. Monday morning I should be going to work, but instead I did this bullshit again. I coudn't bare to tell my family again. If I did, I was afraid I would lose everything, I have already lost so much this year, I didn't want to lose anymore. So I lied. I told them I feel like I have a fever, the flu, told them all that, and that I was going to my urgent care center to get some medicine and checked out. Drove myself really to the ER, and did it all over again this morning. Of course, I felt horrible, sad, depressed, inferior to all of the staff. I feel like they all look down at me, down upon me as a person, make me feel fucking horrible and useless. Threw me in the corner away from sight, away from everyone else. Main nurse you could tell just really didn't give a shit deep down about me, but it's OK, I understand that they just probably don't get it. I was probably the same at one point when I never had done meth either and would look down upon people that did. So it's all good. Same thing all over again, I get a EKG, I get a IV, I get my benzo which brings my heart rate down and makes all my bad feelings go away that I was having.
So that is my journey, my own personal account of the hell life I have lived this year. Fucked up so many times, I get chances to redeem myself only to shit it all away and fuck up again. The cycle continues.
As I sit here writing this, my left wrist is still numb, my lower back hurts, I am sweating, feeling like shit.
I guess my question is, how much damage have I done? Is this damage at all reversible If I ever really finally stop using? Last night I was having the strangest feelings and sensations in my body. Along with all the numbness in my extremities, I was having a feeling all over my body which I tried explaining to the ER Dr. the best I could, it felt like my blood vessels inside my body were exploding, various places like my feet, legs, thighs, butt arms, neck head, was constantly moving throughout my body. He thought it was a combination of just muscle twitching and the chemicals just making it feel like that. What could this possibly be? Anyone know? Also my hands, feet, when this happens to me, feel so cold, feels like my veins are popping inside and trying to pop out of my skin, you can see my veins, I noticed my skin color would change from pink to blue than back to pink with movement. I am so concerned that I have done some sort of damage to my body, my veins in particular. I now methamphetamines are a vaso constrictor I believe? So they shrink your blood vessels right? What kind of damage could I have possibly done to them?
I sit here a mess. I am completely alone, miserable, depressed, and unhappy with what I have done with myself and my life recently. I have been told countless times that if I don't stop, eventually I will have a heart attack and or stroke and will die. Even with this prospect, I still have continued to fuck up. I only hope, and pray that I can stay away from meth forever. There is not too many more chances I will get. I know this. I have been seeing my psychiatrist again recently, and have enrolled myself for research at a school about my problem and what has been happening. I know I thought I could do it on my own, quit when I wanted to, but I have been completely wrong. I have become a slave to meth, it is fucking horrible. I only hope I can quit and regain my health, and hopefully take my life back. Finish school, follow my passions again like music and film, and patch up relationships with so many people I have hurt. Someone suggested in patient rehab, which I may have to consider now as well.
Any information for those that read this would be appreciated. Anything that could maybe could explain why I have some horrible side effects from use. I really hope I change for the better. As one good friend put it "100 miles in the woods, 100 miles out", I know I have a long journey to go to get out of the hell I created and pursued.
My biggest regret in my life is trying meth. My second biggest regret is my continued use of meth when I know I shouldn't. In terms of addictiveness, meth is by far the most addictive and powerful substance I have ever used, and has caused me the most negative side effects from it.
If you have never done meth but were thinking about doing it, please just read my story. Don't open pandora's box. Don't let the devil, satan, pure evil, whatever you want to call it, into your life. I beg any of you to not do it, to not over do it, to not eat or drink or stay up days at a time.
If I can persuade even a few people not to do it by this threat, I will feel so good.
Don't do meth, don't end up like me. And I hope no one judges me for my reckless and irresponsible ignorance and actions that I have committed. I know how bad this is. I want out of this hell, I want off of the meth. I will pray right now for myself to get better and the damage to be minute.
God bless you all and please, please don't use meth
