I was crying tonight from the pain and from the indignity of being a CPP. I was stuck in an impossible position, because I had to wait for my existing prescription to run out (the soonest pharmacies will fill is 28 days after your refill is filled) but the script that my old PM doctor wrote, it expired 3 days before the 28th day after my old script was up. So I went from pharmacy to pharmacy, carrying my baby son in my arms (he weighs 22 lbs!) and I walked a total of TWO MILES trying to find a pharmacy that would fill my script, and at the last pharmacy I broke down crying and sat on the floor. At THIS pharmacy, the pharmacist was very nice and told me he would LOVE to fill the prescription, he really would, but he couldn't because it was expired. I kept blubbering about how I was treated at the other pharmacies, how they treated me like dirt under their shoe, and how I was in pain and I did not know what to do now. He suggested I go to the ER. And then I was completely lost and I couldn't find my car and I sat on the steps of a restaurant sobbing and texting my husband to come get me. They were nice enough to let me sit inside the restaurant to wait because it was getting cold out (it was daylight when I left and my baby didn't need a jacket but it was nighttime now and getting colder.) So my husband came and got me and I have no sense of direction so it was SO DIFFICULT to find my car but we finally found it and my husband asked if I was ok to drive home because at that point the pain was almost paralyzing...now I had pain in my arms from carrying him for so long (I can't let him walk, he tries to run off and there are busy streets, even holding his hand he's evaded me a few times and given me heart attacks.) and pain in my legs from walking so long and EXCRUCIATING back pain but I had no choice, I had to drive, so I followed my husband's car and we got home safe. And today I've been in SO MUCH AGONY it's unbelievable. And I was expected to clean this bedroom and the bathroom because people are arriving to see the house (we're selling the house to get the money to buy the new 2-family house in Belle Harbor. ONE BLOCK FROM THE BEACH!!! I really, REALLY hope we get this house. Not only because of PRIVACY and finally being able to parent without my in-laws looking on (at least not too much; we're upstairs and they're downstairs. It's two separate homes, just in one house.)
So. I have no medicine. I am going to order some either online or through a trusted email source and ALWAYS keep some as backup because you CAN'T TRUST DOCTORS and it's better than dealing with those shit pharmacists. I'm still going to go to pain management (I have an appointment May 6 at a new place, it looks really nice, they have holistic stuff and a physical therapy place right in the same place! And everything is shiny and new and modern! It looks like a really good place to go, my old place was so run-down.) But I've learned my lesson. NO ONE IS GOING TO LOOK AFTER YOU EXCEPT YOU. I'm not going to let my in-laws bully me anymore (I say that NOW, but when confronted with them....different story. They are SO intimidating.)
So. I'm going to go to this "second opinion" guy but when we go I'm going to ask to talk to the doctor for a few minutes alone. My FIL is going to raise hell about that but so what. Then maybe they'll see what he's like. I'll get my few minutes because *I* am the patient, not him. Then when I talk to him privately, I'll lay my cards on the table. I'll tell him that I used to be addicted to Xanax, then I had postpartum depression and started to abuse the medication and I did everything a typical addict would do. But I'll explain it was a really bad time in my life and I've made some mistakes but just because I ran rampant for a year after my daughter's birth, that DOES NOT mean that I should suffer in pain. And I'll tell him that my family doesn't understand how much pain I'm in, because I've taken steps to try to improve my pain, such as taking herbal supplements (I'm not going to name any) and using heat and ice and a back massager and resting as often as possible. And I try not to complain because who wants to hear all the time "oh, I'm in so much pain, poor me, etc" In fact I say virtually nothing to them about it unless they ask. and then when they ask me how I feel, I say, "I feel like shit." and they're like "oh" and move on. And I'm going to warn him that my FIL is going to drag me through the mud, pull out every bad thing I've ever done while addicted and use it as ammo to convince the doctor I should not be on oxy. And I'll tell the doctor that I, too, am scared of taking the medicine and I make my husband hide it from me and give it to me as prescribed. And that I'm scared that taking the medicine is going to lead me down the wrong path again but unfortunately if I don't take SOMETHING, some kind of STRONG medication, I can't be a fully functional mom. And that would break my heart. I'm going to tell him that my FIL doesn't know that I filled my prescription from last month for oxy, and my husband paid for it, and this is the only reason I'm functional now. Then we'll let my FIL in and he can rage and storm all he likes but I will have already said what I wanted to say. Because my FIL won't let me get a word in edgewise otherwise.
What do you guys think? I have my new MRI tomorrow and it'll probably show that I destroyed the fuck out of a perfectly good surgery. But I can't win with my family. I was crying the other day because my husband said that he's angry I'm not picking the kids up from school. In the same breath, he said he's angry that I do things that hurt my back. Well, DRIVING HURTS MY BACK. I pointed it out to him, that he can't have it both ways. He's angry because I'm not fully functional, but he's also angry that I'm not taking good care of myself. WTF?!?!? Which do you want?? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?? I don't want him to be angry with me but it seems that I can't do ANYTHING right. If I push myself and do all the things that he wants me to do but that further injure and hurt my back, he's mad because I'm not taking care of myself. And then if I take care of myself and say "no, I can't do this or that" he's angry at me for that!!!!!!! I'm just so upset about this and I'M THE ONE IN PAIN HERE YOU DICKHEAD!!!!!!!!!!!
Hubby suggested that I might have more leg room and be in a more comfortable position for my back at the computer if I removed some of the boxes from under my desk. So I did that, and it does help. But when I told my MIL about the more leg room she was like "WHY ARE YOU LIFTING BOXES?! YOU HAVE A BACK PROBLEM!"
The fucked up thing is, when hubby suggested it, he didn't offer to help do it. And I did it myself because I've learned (the hard way) that my husband doesn't expect other people to do things for him and he expects the same in return from other people around him. He doesn't help people; he thinks that one should be self-sufficient. So I've learned to do everything myself, keeping my own records, making my own phone calls, etc. If something needs to be moved, I'll move it myself. If I ask my husband to do it for me, it'll still be sitting there in a week. He's passive-aggressive that way...this is his way of saying, "IF YOU WANT IT DONE, DO IT YOURSELF, DUMBASS!!!!" So that's one reason why my back is so bad, I'm used to fending for myself. I've taken care of my baby son SO EXCLUSIVELY that I'm virtually the only person he wants when he wakes up in the morning. (The only other person who he likes better than me is my mom, and I REALLY think that's because her voice was the first he heard once they had him out of me and wrapped up to be weighed and measured. She was cooing at him, keeping him calm, and I think that bond really stuck and I'm so happy about that
I love my mom, she's the greatest!
Ok, enough book writing, good night everyone! Love to all your Bluelighters!!
