Hi guys, I'm pretty depressed. I snooped through my MIL's emails and texts and I realized that she only sees me as some addict junkie, not a person in real pain. I shouldn't care about her opinion of me, but it means that while I'm living here I'm never going to be treated with respect. A junkie is all she sees and it doesn't matter HOW much pain I'm in, she will never think that it's ok for me to take painkillers.
It's been nearly a month since my last pain clinic kicked me out due to the insurance issues (which are now fixed BTW) but I haven't been able to get to another clinic because my FIL insists that he has to go too and he will just slam me as being a junkie looking for a fix and I won't get any help. I'm trying to make a new appointment and go to it covertly, but I'm so pissed that I have to be treated this way. Even if I get a new script for pain meds from this new place, I'll have to drive nearly a half hour away to get it filled, because otherwise my in-laws will hear about it (yes, the pharmacy I've been using reports on me to my in-laws and they've called every pharmacy nearby to tell them NOT to fill my scripts. I might be going to get psychiatric help from a hospital that's a little far away but still in Brooklyn, and maybe I could fill my scripts at the hospital pharmacy? Or would they be even stricter? I haven't filled a narcotic script in nearly 2 months, so there's no way they can tell me that "it's not time yet" or maybe they'll tell me they're "out of stock" of that particular medicine (yeah right, a HOSPITAL pharmacy being out of 5 mg oxy?! REALLY.)
I'm just sad and depressed that nobody, not even my parents, understand my pain. I hate having to hide my drugs all the time. I hate having to order them off the internet then be careful to intercept the package first to make sure no one opens my mail without my permission. I REALLY hate that no one sees or acknowledges the work I do to remain steady on my medicine, take it only as prescribed, and to do as much for my children as I can. All I get is "you're not doing enough." I love my children and I do as much for them as I can. Yes, I can't drive to pick them up from school. And I can't walk them to karate class because the walk would be too much for me; physically, I probably COULD do it if I pushed myself, but it would take everything out of me and cause me to need pain medicine of some sort afterwards and then I'd be lying down, too sick to get up and go to eat dinner (not a big deal because I barely eat these days anyway, the pain takes away my appetite) and too much in pain to help with baths and pjs and reading them a book.
I already feel like a failure as a mother. I don't need the other people in my life treating me like I'm dirt under their shoe.