I've really been having a hard time lately. I was clean for over 2 years aside from one time I found a few bags of dope while cleaning my room. I never bothered to seek it out since March of 2012 and hadn't touched heroin since the night before Thanksgiving of that same year so it had been over 17 months that I had been 100% clean. The only drug I had used since then was marijuana. I was doing great, I was clean, I was running my own business with my Mother, which was kind of a dream of mine, to run a family business. I had also gotten into a hobby that I'd always wanted to, but could never afford, saltwater fish. I was as happy and content as I had been ever in my life.
Now the bad parts: There's this girl that I had really strong feelings for and had felt that way about her for a few years. Around X-Mas she called me up asking for a place to stay since her boyfriend had kicked her out. I offered to help and things went terribly wrong ending with her being arrested for domestic violence and involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital. I've been friends with this girl for 10 years and I love her, both as a friend and as something more. While she was committed, she broke up with me and told me she was going to get back together with her ex boyfriend who is quite a bit older, a registered sex offender and has brain damage from a car accident, therefore is completely incapable of caring for someone that's mentally ill in the way my friend is(she was diagnosed in the hospital as bi-polar and having borderline personality disorder). I don't understand how someone can go from telling me they've always loved me for 10 years and that we are soul mates to saying that it was never real. She knew how I felt and what this would do to me. I don't want to say she seduced me, but she was the one to make the first move and initiate sex. On top of all this a couple months ago my Mom kicked me out and because I worked with her at the business we ran together, I was left homeless and unemployed.
I promised her I'd get her discharged from the hospital by telling them she could live with me as I had enough money saved up to get my own apartment and I recently found a new job, though it pays shit and at best will make me enough money to pay most of the bills, but not likely to afford me luxuries like food. Being in my apartment alone for a month prior to her being discharged was awful. I was so lonely and bored that a few weeks ago I decided to use heroin again. She now lives with me so I'm not alone anymore, but it's as if she flaunts her relationship with her ex as punishment for me getting her arrested(this is how she thinks, not reality). She makes me let her use my phone to call her ex and even went as far as asking me to let him come over the apartment, despite the fact that prior to her being discharged she said she would not bring him over. I told her that there was no way I was letting him come into my apartment and she tried to make me feel guilty by saying she lives there too and that it's not fair that she can't have who she wants over, but I refuse to let him in my apartment so they can fuck in the only bed I have here or whatever she wanted to do. It's bad enough I don't even get to sleep in my own bed as I didn't want to make things awkward so I now sleep on the floor in my own god damn apartment.
I just want to die. I'm a total failure and I've fucked up two long years of hard work staying clean. I already tried to hang myself last week, but just like everything else I do, I fucked that up by chickening out right before I passed out. My friend doesn't even seem to care as all she had to say was that the blood I coughed up was gross and that I was probably perfectly fine. All I do is torture myself by thinking about how I could have done things differently and not fucked up the relationship. I saved all the voicemails she left over the past couple months so I could listen to them and hear how the way she felt about me changed. The last one she had left was the day after she was arrested and she just yells at me for being an idiot and getting her arrested. How I needed to tell the police it was my fault and that I should have been arrested and not her(like it works that way or that a male has ever gotten the benefit of the doubt in a DV case ever, especially when the girl is 5' and 85lbs). She even yelled that she didn't care that I was sexually abused as a kid. I had never told anyone about that until I told her and that's what she says to me. The night before she was arrested, which is when I told her I was molested by an older friend as a kid, a friend I felt was my best friend, she comforted me for a moment and then wanted to have sex. I told her I didn't really want to because I was too upset and she just screamed at me that I wasn't a real man because I wouldn't have sex with her.
Why would she hurt me like this? I don't understand. I was only trying to be a good friend and help her out. She had always been such a good friend to me until now. I just don't get it. I just want her to care about me. I want the friend I used to have back. She was always the person I turned to when I was depressed, lonely, whatever. She used to always be so compassionate and understanding....Now she's just cold and I feel like she wishes she was anywhere else, but near me. She barely speaks to me or smiles at me. I'm trying my best to still be her friend. I make sure she has food to eat, I try to take her out places so she's not bored. I do anything I can to try to make her happy and I still feel like she thinks I'm nothing, but an aggravation to her. I'm angry at everything now and I hate it. When I'm with my buddies, I just want to yell at them that I don't give a shit about whatever they're talking about. When I'm with my family, I feel the same way. I get these thoughts that force themselves into my head where I'm hurting my best friend, I'm brutally beating him. I don't understand why I think this. I'm not really mad at him, he's a great friend. I just want everyone to shut the fuck up and stop giving me shit even though they're just acting as they normally do. It's just me that's different. I feel like I'm going crazy. I keep thinking about when me and my ex were at her parents and she woke me up at 3am telling me to give her my phone or she'd cut me open with a knife that was nearby. Her Father woke up, came in and threw her against the door and dragged her downstairs. I didn't do anything, I just sat there confused because I had just woken up. I keep hearing her scream "STOP IT!". How could I just sit there and watch that happen, I should have done something. I feel like I'm a terrible person. I can't stand it anymore and I see no way out.
Sorry for the really long post. I didn't know how to condense how I felt more than I did already...
Now the bad parts: There's this girl that I had really strong feelings for and had felt that way about her for a few years. Around X-Mas she called me up asking for a place to stay since her boyfriend had kicked her out. I offered to help and things went terribly wrong ending with her being arrested for domestic violence and involuntarily committed to a psychiatric hospital. I've been friends with this girl for 10 years and I love her, both as a friend and as something more. While she was committed, she broke up with me and told me she was going to get back together with her ex boyfriend who is quite a bit older, a registered sex offender and has brain damage from a car accident, therefore is completely incapable of caring for someone that's mentally ill in the way my friend is(she was diagnosed in the hospital as bi-polar and having borderline personality disorder). I don't understand how someone can go from telling me they've always loved me for 10 years and that we are soul mates to saying that it was never real. She knew how I felt and what this would do to me. I don't want to say she seduced me, but she was the one to make the first move and initiate sex. On top of all this a couple months ago my Mom kicked me out and because I worked with her at the business we ran together, I was left homeless and unemployed.
I promised her I'd get her discharged from the hospital by telling them she could live with me as I had enough money saved up to get my own apartment and I recently found a new job, though it pays shit and at best will make me enough money to pay most of the bills, but not likely to afford me luxuries like food. Being in my apartment alone for a month prior to her being discharged was awful. I was so lonely and bored that a few weeks ago I decided to use heroin again. She now lives with me so I'm not alone anymore, but it's as if she flaunts her relationship with her ex as punishment for me getting her arrested(this is how she thinks, not reality). She makes me let her use my phone to call her ex and even went as far as asking me to let him come over the apartment, despite the fact that prior to her being discharged she said she would not bring him over. I told her that there was no way I was letting him come into my apartment and she tried to make me feel guilty by saying she lives there too and that it's not fair that she can't have who she wants over, but I refuse to let him in my apartment so they can fuck in the only bed I have here or whatever she wanted to do. It's bad enough I don't even get to sleep in my own bed as I didn't want to make things awkward so I now sleep on the floor in my own god damn apartment.
I just want to die. I'm a total failure and I've fucked up two long years of hard work staying clean. I already tried to hang myself last week, but just like everything else I do, I fucked that up by chickening out right before I passed out. My friend doesn't even seem to care as all she had to say was that the blood I coughed up was gross and that I was probably perfectly fine. All I do is torture myself by thinking about how I could have done things differently and not fucked up the relationship. I saved all the voicemails she left over the past couple months so I could listen to them and hear how the way she felt about me changed. The last one she had left was the day after she was arrested and she just yells at me for being an idiot and getting her arrested. How I needed to tell the police it was my fault and that I should have been arrested and not her(like it works that way or that a male has ever gotten the benefit of the doubt in a DV case ever, especially when the girl is 5' and 85lbs). She even yelled that she didn't care that I was sexually abused as a kid. I had never told anyone about that until I told her and that's what she says to me. The night before she was arrested, which is when I told her I was molested by an older friend as a kid, a friend I felt was my best friend, she comforted me for a moment and then wanted to have sex. I told her I didn't really want to because I was too upset and she just screamed at me that I wasn't a real man because I wouldn't have sex with her.
Why would she hurt me like this? I don't understand. I was only trying to be a good friend and help her out. She had always been such a good friend to me until now. I just don't get it. I just want her to care about me. I want the friend I used to have back. She was always the person I turned to when I was depressed, lonely, whatever. She used to always be so compassionate and understanding....Now she's just cold and I feel like she wishes she was anywhere else, but near me. She barely speaks to me or smiles at me. I'm trying my best to still be her friend. I make sure she has food to eat, I try to take her out places so she's not bored. I do anything I can to try to make her happy and I still feel like she thinks I'm nothing, but an aggravation to her. I'm angry at everything now and I hate it. When I'm with my buddies, I just want to yell at them that I don't give a shit about whatever they're talking about. When I'm with my family, I feel the same way. I get these thoughts that force themselves into my head where I'm hurting my best friend, I'm brutally beating him. I don't understand why I think this. I'm not really mad at him, he's a great friend. I just want everyone to shut the fuck up and stop giving me shit even though they're just acting as they normally do. It's just me that's different. I feel like I'm going crazy. I keep thinking about when me and my ex were at her parents and she woke me up at 3am telling me to give her my phone or she'd cut me open with a knife that was nearby. Her Father woke up, came in and threw her against the door and dragged her downstairs. I didn't do anything, I just sat there confused because I had just woken up. I keep hearing her scream "STOP IT!". How could I just sit there and watch that happen, I should have done something. I feel like I'm a terrible person. I can't stand it anymore and I see no way out.
Sorry for the really long post. I didn't know how to condense how I felt more than I did already...
