stuck in toxic mode

[manboychef]

I'm a thirty year old recovering opiate addict. I have over a year sober and it is still a struggle everyday. I can generally get through my days no problem by not thinking to much about anything. I've been told to just live in today, just go day by day. What if those days I'm living in are miserable?. The serenity prayer says change the things you can, accept the things you can't. I'm in a place that the things I can't change are so soul crushing that there is no joy in my heart. I've worked so hard to be a good man but I'm realizing it just doesn't matter.

The key to my misery is that my ex, in her addiction, stole from me and my neighbors and when I tried to walk away from it she lied about me to the police and took my son in the middle of the night. She lied about me in family court (which ate up all my savings) and was awarded full custody. The one thing that ever brought me joy is fatherhood. Being a dad to my wonderful son made the pain of abuse and being with awoman that just wouldn't do right almost disappear. Now I pay the same woman that lied, cheated, and stole from me to live. She keeps me from my son. It has been three years since I held him in my arms or. saw him smile.

I was straight while he was under my roof. I would have a beer after a double, or smoke a joint with my brother every once in a while. After I lost in family court and the state of new York deemed my ex's lies the truth I just gave up. I said to myself "if I'm such a bad man when I'm at my best than I have no reason to be a good man." I started medicating those feelings away. Two years passed stuck to the end of a needle and my mental state got worse and worse.

This brings us back to today. I'm sober now. I still can't change the fact that I can't see my son. Its causing me no end of misery. I don't even know why I'm writing all of this. I hope there is someone out there that has been in my shoes and can give me advice.

 

[twotoomany]

You have EVERY right to see you son. You need to advocate for visitation. Even if its supervised, its a start. He needs you to be a part of his life even more than you need him to be a part of yours. NYS can be tough when it comes to custody issues, so you may have to fight for what you deserve, but in the end, you'll get it. Good luck man.

 

[thedawn]

yes,it took me a long time to get back into my sons life.
I missed the first 4 years when I was fucked up and delusional.
this kind of pain is soul crushing.
I sincerely hope you will get back with your kid where you're supposed to be.
my son is the reason I don't kill myself.

edit:sorry for no advice.I got visitation,now weekends with suboxone and doc's approval.
it was hard.i wish you luck.

 

[manboychef]

I'm on subs as well. The hardest part is the child support. Not the money, but the physical act of sending. Its a blatant reminder of every milestone I miss.

I actually had supervised visitation at first....her mother was my supervisor

Her mom is a grifter just like her. She would hit me up for money and say if I didn't give it she would tell the court I was being abusive...

I have to be patient...

 

[thedawn]

my ex was also worried about my schizoaffective disorder.
I had to prove I'm taking meds and seeing therapist.
all this is bullshit but in the end it's worth it.

I dont know man,yes,patience is good,but sometimes action can be key.
fight your way back in.
IF this is even remotely possible.

 

[manboychef]

I have OCD. I manage it well. I have to fight in court. Last time though I spent three grand on a lawyer and all it took was her o lie. I was good to my ex. I provided everything and gave her unconditional love and she shit all over it. I did everything the court asked of me to get those supervised visits. Anger management (I'm not an angry person) relapse prevention classes. Basically, I worked sixty hours a week as a chef making great money and every week after bills and the courses I had eleven dollars a week to get gas, food, and laundry....let alone entertainment. I just wish the truth mattered in family court. What if I save enough moneyto go back and she just lies again?

And an aside about anger management. The instructor signed my documents at the end and asked why the hell I was there in the first place. It was an odd moment.

 

[manboychef]

Child support is taking more than I make now. Now I really don't know what to do.

 

[thedawn]

don't use,whatever you do,don't use.
just wanted to say that.
hey man,these things change,continue doing the right thing.

 

[mrflowers00]

once your son is a teenager sometimes even younger he can choose who he wants to live with he would just have to fight to be with whom he wants in court

 

[manboychef]

I hope...I'm not going to use. I know I lose everything if I do, I called my sponsor between shifts and really let loose. He gave me some great advice....basically, this is just a bump in the road. If I choose to stay in the toxic thoughts its going to be all poor me, poor me, pour me a drink. In fact a friend from the rooms came in and sat in my section. It was great to see a familiar face.

 

[thedawn]

this is great what you're doing re meetings,sponsor,support.
you will get back into your kids life if you keep this up.

 

[herbavore]

I'm on subs as well. The hardest part is the child support. Not the money, but the physical act of sending. Its a blatant reminder of every milestone I miss.

I actually had supervised visitation at first....her mother was my supervisor

Her mom is a grifter just like her. She would hit me up for money and say if I didn't give it she would tell the court I was being abusive...

I have to be patient...

Get that on film somehow and show that to the court! that is outrageous.

As far as staying in your son's life, one thing that you can do is to write to him. Since you will never know if your ex reads it to him, demand that a social worker do it and make copies before you send it off. Each time he has a birthday, make sure there is not only a card but a letter. Same for every time you are missing him, thinking about him, etc. Even if the worst case scenario (you can't get the writing to him) continues for a while, you can save the copies and bind them into a book. I guarantee that either now or somewhere down the road these will become the most important possession your son has.

Losing custody is devastating but you have to take a long view. Improve yourself in every way--your confidence, your inner strength, your wisdom and compassion. Live with integrity and honesty--especially to yourself. In the long run this is what makes us good parents. Don't let the misery of missing him make you surrender to the false notion that it doesn't matter if you are sober or not. It does and deep down you know that. There are unfortunately not always external rewards for being a good person,; the rewards come from the sense of peace that you get from within, the strength you develop to withstand life's inevitable suffering and the knowledge that you can accept yourself, frailties and all, even when others don't.

I agree with everyone here that you should not take this custody decision lying down. Keep fighting but keep fighting for yourself, too--they are really the same fight.

 

[TooOldForThis]

I have not been exactly in your shoes, but I have been through an experience where someone else lied, and was believed, and it almost destroyed our family. I know what it is like to think Fuck it. If this is the world we live in, I don't want any part of it. There are good people here are BL that are following your recovery and finding strength and hope in your recovery. Herbavore's suggestion to write letters is excellent. I have used that technique in a situation where someone I loved dearly was taken to a place where she could not receive any outside contact. I wrote letters to her in a journal, and later gave her the journal. It really helped me to put on paper the love I had for her.
I know my situations are nothing compared to what you are going through, but I wanted to encourage you as best that I can.

 

[manboychef]

I send him letters a couple times a week...I send him poems, drawings...little stories. I really should start scanning them into my computer.

Toooldforthis..." if this is the world we live in, I don't want any part of it" is exactly what I wrote in my journal three years ago in as many words.

 

[plmar]

what a fucking cunt

dont listen to me or take anything I type seriously but if I was in your position i'd have killed her by now

 

[buffalobillygoat]

That is horrendous. A workmate of mine went through years of this rubbish. His ex is a diagnosed shizophrenic who is regularly in the mental hospital and the courts believed all of her lies and those of her family over him. She took his house, he's paying child support and she took over half of his superannuation. I forget the exact details of how the situation progressed, but I do know that he also had to attend all kinds of totally inappropriate crap like anger management stuff but also that he ended up representing himself in court (he's a labourer) and won equal custody of his daughter after spending months in the library doing his homework. Now that she's sixteen she stays with him most of the time. One thing I remember him saying is that he never talked shit about his ex to his daughter, even though she and her family were bagging on him constantly. And that whatever the courts decided, he accepted and played the game until he got what he wanted. I don't know if I'd have that patience. I really feel for you and your son. Best of luck.
p.s. is there any way you can gather evidence of the ex's family's manipulation? If you can prove they've been lying to the court, then you're in business.

 

[manboychef]

I just get angrier and angrier about it....I know this resentment will eat me alive if I don't nip it in the bud. I'm just so fed up with working quite a bit to have nothing...time to find another forty hour job to put on top of my job I'm working now....it pisses me off that she got my tax return and used the majority of it for a full back piece...well at least my four year old son cab look at that sometimes.

 

[neversickanymore]

I still can't change the fact that I can't see my son. .

dont believe this for a minute. how long has it been since the determination that caused this?

edit: what state are you in again.. and yeah using this as a potential justification to use.. if you use it will only seem to justify her actions..

I know its so hard.. but never loose the sight that if you stick to whats rite.. that that is rite will follow

 

[manboychef]

I won't use. I never want my son to know me like that. I never want him to hear "It was just your fucked up dad." I want him to be proud when he speaks of me. I want him to look up to me.

The first thing I had to do is compartmentalize those feelings so as not to allow them to divert me from my true goals. It would just be too easy to give up. It would be to easy to use how I feel about her to slip back into saying this is insurmountable.

 

[neversickanymore]

Or you could use those feelings to promote your goals

When i was struggling with the break up and resultant custody hearing.. I new that she thought I would use it as an excuse to drink heavy, instead of using all that emotion as an excuse to use I used it as motivation not to.

In a four year period I broke up with a woman I loved
went through a custody battle and was not given 50% custody..
Saw the pain the current legal system can inflict when they allow a parent to move out of state with a child that I was by far primary care giver..
Developed an autoimmune disease that took my business and savings and almost everything else and even though I had insurance let me over 60 thousand in debt..
Temporarily knocked me out of a school in turn causing my student loans to default for years..
The use of heavy pain killers for the autoimmune just skyrocketed my opiat use to insane levels..
Took me to the point of suiscide.. because I no longer wanted to live with that disease.
Ended up in severe legal trouble for something not only i didn't do but never did..



But it interesting to look at the consequences of all this..

Im am sitting here with my son as we speak right now.. and he wants you to know, "that my dads the best in the world and he can pick up a thousand pounds, and ohh I just passed everything on lord of the rings battle to middle earth 2"

Not only do I not miss my possessions but I have given away almost all of that crap in favor of a much more rewarding life..

I have made a full recovery, not because of the medical people who I still ow money to but because I went back and looked at all my records and all the medical research and literature and cured myself in three weeks from starting out.. something the medical boys hadn't been able to do.

Cleaned myself up from that huge opiat addiction and am living a really rewarding life free from active addiction..

Since the portion of the brain that is responsible for addiction is also the spot that is the cause of the autoimmune disease as well as the fibromyalgia I was able able to use all the research I did on my autoimmune disease and apply and expand it onto addiction.

Stumbled on the true purpose of emotions and have developed a a really strong knowledge of how the brain works..

Completely changed my thinking on what constitutes a good life.. realized its all in our heads, and changed my thinking at a core level to facilitate an amzing life..

Changed my goals and aspirations to thing so much more meaningful than what I had previously aspired to..

Because of the continuing work on emotion, including anxiety and social anxiety was able to get to the root of a debilitating social and generalized anxiety disorder and now am symptom free and could speak in front of a stadium full of people and take no medication..

In doing finding a root to the generalized anxiety I realized the paramount importance of following our hearts and do it every day..

And in doing all this I have reached a plane of peace and enjoyment that I would have laughed as impossible at any other point in my life.


Its kinda amazing how the most trying times in our lives can be the catapults that eventually shoot us to the stars

manboychef.. IMO if you keep moving forward and use this tough time as motivation you may just look back at it as the best thing that ever happened to you

EDIT: oh and i found BL