• The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
    Posting Rules Bluelight Rules
    Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines
    Bereavement Mindfulness
    Suicide Support Anger Management
  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT | paranoid android

stuck in toxic mode

You truly are an inspiration NeverSickAnymore. I think I may be looking at this situation in the wrong light. I was glad for my ex to be gone. I was the one that broke up with her and kicked her out of my house...well I gave her a month to get her shit together, get a job, and move on....I think the part that maybe hurts about that is I let her stay for a month and gave her the opportunity to take my son and file the restraining orders.

One hope I hold onto is that my son is very intelligent. He will ask the right questions as he gets older, and understand why things are the way they are. I took the advice in a previous post and now i scan all the letters I send into my computer and then print them out. I am going to bind it into a book.When I was in rehab, I wrote and illustrated a childrens story for him. I wish I still had that, but I sent it to him. Hopefully, she didnt pitch it away.

I need to just be patient. Keep saving my money. I checked on the restraining orders...they have been lifted, but I still dont trust her to do the right thing. Its a very difficult situation. Maybe I just need to take the risk and let the pieces fall where they will.

Thank You. You may be miles away, but just knowing you are out there helps me keep my head up.:):):)<3
 
Thank you manboychef<3.. and always always keep your chin up sir.

Another great idea is to make an email account for him.. and then you can use it to send all that you want him to eventually read.. it will keep track of all the letters and times and then when you can you can just give him the account and password..

usually you can have a case revisited after two years;)..
 
Wow. I am so sorry you can't even have visitation. I am currently living down south, my daughter is in NYS with her father. I am the bad person bc I have chosen to get help. I had over 2 years sober and they said you can live in NY and have her 5 days a week with him getting her 2 or you can move out of state and have visitation when you come up. Pretty much I can't bring her out of state. Their reasoning?? I take suboxone. Her father is a drunk and smokes weed. I was stone cold sober and couldn't take my daughter to have a better life. There is nothing up in that area for anyone. My only hope was getting out. So here I am, I was devastated, didn't know what to do. Went off the subs and started using the needle again to 'deal'. lol. I am sober again now, back on the subs and know that that won't get me anywhere close to where I need to be. Anyways....keep the hope that you will have a lot more time with your son in the near future. Visualize it, live it, and it will come to you if you take the steps for it happen. I know she will be with me, I know what I am doing is the right thing for her and for me. Everything will work out in the end. The end may not come when I want it to, but it will come when the time is right.
 
Just got my paycheck after working six days a week with three doubles. 5.37 after child support and taxes. This is demoralizing....but I wont use. I don't get to see my son, nor can I afford to visit. I'm thinking I might need to get a second third shift job. I'm already working over forty a week. I might even lose my car soon if I don't start figuring out a way to sacrifice more. I quit cigarettes twelve days ago, and I already don't go anywhere but meetings.

I built up arrears while I was in rehab and then halfway house. Even working and paying quite a bit extra (plus a 1240 tax return) I've only wiped a few hundred dollars of the arrears out. My ex is living in a commonwealth so I pay a percentage of what she takes from the state. Her families career path is to live off of the state. This is my punishment for loving the wrong person.

People tell me that I need to move on, that I can't keep living in those feelings. Its very hard to do so when you work nonstop and have literally nothing to show for it or than a letter every month that tells me how much I owe my ex.
 
Last edited:
Things may be getting better....I've lowered the arrears to four grand. I found out that while I was in rehab and halfway house they were using my wage as a sous chef, and tacking on fifteen percent of her rehab. I'm practicing praying that my ex and son have all they need. At first it just made me angry. Now I truly want for them both to be happy.
 
Manboychef, I wish you best luck. It will get better. One day you'll get to see your son, and he'll be proud of you for being so strong.
 
Iv just read thru these posts and I feel that you guys have gone thru a lot of shit but have overcome it, and I know you all have that strength, it gives me faith in myself and in humanity to know this. I want to just thank you all, for giving me a reason to be strong in my times of darkness. I myself have never gone thru the courts for custody of a child, being 17 and a reclusive wreckhead it's nigh on impossible lol, but I have done some bad shit and I face prison is found guilty but right now all I wanna do is fight my corner and just live life to the full. thank you all :) <3
 
^^the journey of a million miles starts with one step. I spent a lot of time hiding away brooding and seething. I spouted hate and bitterness through gnashing teeth and slammed my hand on the table with clenched fist. The anger and acrimony only shrunk and blackened my heart.

I guess the content of your heart as a man describes you. How you give and receive love is what makes you a stand up guy and worthwhile to others. I should have been exercising patience instead of judgement. I should be thankful my son didn't see me at my lowest. Now I am strong and ready to be in his life. My mantra: what good in life is not worth fighting for?
 
Wow, 1 year and still struggling. These darn Opiates are the ladylike devil drug right? I mean most other drugs you can tell that they mess people up. On oxy you can act perfectly normal and you won't be able to tell the person is doing it. But the damn stuff is so strong that is knocks people out of order for over a year after stopping them, crazy.
 
I had a pretty bad relapse. My last speedball was Nov 3 14'. I've been sober since Nov 4. I don't take subs anymore whatsoever and I'm doing better mentally. I still don't see my son, but I do talk to him occasionally. I am rereading everything in this thread. That was a very dark time in my life. In order to feel okay, I had to really forgive my ex. I also had to forgive myself. I always hated myself for not stopping her, and not continuing the fight for my son. Now I have a good lawyer, and I am working on dealing with her in a more civil manner. She has to give me visits, and has to meet me halfway with them...if not she is held in contempt of court.

Also, she has since grown up a lot. I think she understands how devastating and underhanded what she did was. I don't know if she fully understands exactly what her actions did to me mentally, but my therapist says it caused me PTSD to lose my son like that. My OCD is medicated now, and I no longer feel such a strong sense of impending doom.

Thanks everyone for their support.
 
You are doing everything you can do and that is fantastic. The fact that you turned your discouragement around into positive action is amazing. An inspiration, really. I don't doubt that you will have feelings of fear around trust for a long time but your forgiveness is the key to healing that fear. Many people cannot find the strength to face and forgive and its a shame because it does free you. I hope that you are very proud of yourself for all that you have struggled through so far. It's not over but it is getting better. I hope someday when your son is an adult that he will see how hard you fought for him. No way a kid can understand that, nor should they have to, but later it would be very meaningful to him. This update really made my day.<3
 
Things are still really difficult with the ex. She has taken to not letting me speak to my son. I am not going to let that stop me though. I've come so far, and recovered from serious addiction, and I will continue to recover. I used to have lots of fear and self loathing and I am slowly realizing that I am not the lies she said about me in court. I am not the badguy that I have been made out to be. I am no boogeyman. I am a dad that loves his son enough to change. I am a man that loves himself enough to change as well. Wow that feels good to say. I actually am begining to like myself again.

Herbivore, I always love reading your posts. You are a good person, and you are very insightful. I am hoping that I can get the kinda mindstate you have about recovery. I know work work work.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top