Harm Reduction ⫸Personal Accounts of Addiction: What's YOUR Story?⫷

[arkansasdude]

Brief Background

Tell us a little bit about yourself and what led to you using drugs.

Substance(s)

What substances were/are you abusing.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

How long were you addicted or dependent on the drugs that you were consuming?

Adverse Effects

How did drugs negatively impact your life. Feel free to discuss IV complications and/or overdoses.

Warnings and Advice

Do you have any advice or warnings that you would like to share to those suffering from addiction or are playing with fire?

Miscellaneous

Discuss anything that wasn't addressed above.

This is the first time after years, joining this page but, I just wanted to thank every single one of you.

 

[Xtreme Rush]

Hi I am going to join this thread, and give you all my background because I like forum discussions like this.

BUTTTTTTTTT real quick I was just trying to start my own thread, I am on a Samsung tablet,

I put in the title, and wrote a msg my story.
But when I try to post it, well then it states that I need a thread prefix but there is no where for me toselect one so im cconfused please help, and ill also post back in a few my story for discussion

 

[Xtreme Rush]

Im back!!!!!!


But before I begin about myself, is there anyone out there?

《Is this thread still alive lol》

°•Sorry dont mind me, I just remember back in 01, and 11 having some good conversation on bluelight, I for got my old account due to jail incarceration°•

 

[Xtreme Rush]

Add*****
2010-2011

 

[goback2sleep]

This is harder than I thought it would be.

Brief Background

The first time I ever got fucked up I was around 14. I smoked weed with some friends and watched SLC punk, I felt great but it didn't really do it for me. I lived the next year and a half clean and sober and fought with my head everyday. I've got diagnosed mental illness and looking back on it now I understand why getting fucked up appealed to me so much. I didn't have much confidence and had a horrible home life as a kid. There was this girl who wanted to fuck me when I was a freshman in high school for my second term and she'd always bring me alcohol in the mornings. The first time I got drunk I was 16 and instantly fell in love. Over the course of the next year and a half until I dropped out of school I was always getting drunk, everyday every weekend. I was all of the sudden popular because I could out drink everyone. I loved the person I was when I was drunk. I was witty, charming, outgoing and everything a 16 year old wants to be. I couldn't get enough.


Substance(s)

My substances were most definitely alcohol until I met a coke dealer, then I got on coke hard for a year until I went into the army. Back on the booze for another 4 years. I got out in 2010 and have a bitch of a case of PTSD and I got into percocets when I was in the army. I got out of the army summer 2010 and was on those pills hard until the OCs became the OPs then I got on that boy. I've been fuckin with boy for 5 years now.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

Been on heroin for 5 years, other misc drugs for 11. I was physically addicted to heroin once for a year before I got some suboxone from a friend and weened myself off. After that I've been dependent to heroin off and on for about 2 years. I couldn't even kick it when my son was born.

Adverse Effects

I couldn't kick boy when my son was born. I lost my son last year for 6 months, my sons mom left me. I was sitting in my car one night with a gun in my mouth. My head was so fucked up last year my best friend told me he was going to kill himself and I didn't even try to talk him out of it. I told him I'd be seeing him soon. The day he told me he was going to kill himself he shot himself that night. I can't get past hearing that. When he shot himself something inside me broke.

Warnings and Advice

If you're gonna do it you're gonna do it. Nothing else I say will change your mind. But my head was so fucked up I, basically, gave my best friend the OK to kill himself while we were on the phone. Do you want that on your conscience?

Miscellaneous

Keep your head up guys.

I just wanted to reach out to you & say that while yes, you were doing what you were doing before the army, I find it absolutely unacceptable that veterans like you are left the way they are in this country, and I just needed to thank you for your service, and remind you that what you did for your country can never be discredited no matter how many drugs you take. You contributed something to society that is worth tenfold the amounts of drugs or alcohol you could ever put in your body, and you should feel the gratitude and respect that I know you're not getting. While you were an addict prior, the military experience creates an inevitable pitfall for anyone who joins due to the lack of support and the denial that veterans are just fine after serving, and I hope that you can find some peace in knowing that the path you took after the army was not all your fault, the system has failed you, just like it has so many others.

My brother-in-law is an alcoholic and I believe an oxycodone user even though he would never admit it. He has served overseas three times, became an army ranger, shot & killed a very high ranking Taliban leader, and when he got home to find out his wife and child had left him, he attempted suicide multiple times and his alcoholism worsened. One attempt was with me on the phone, he was texting me things about telling his son who he was and saying he's sorry to my parents, and then he sent me a photo of a tube that was placed in the window with the other end in the tailpipe. I fell apart, I've never cried so hard, but it turns out he was so drunk that he never turned the car on, and his roommate on base took him to bed when he found him. Another time he was on the phone with my parents, and he started to not make sense, so they called 911 and it turns out he had drank an entire bottle of high proof alchohol while swallowing a bottle of pills. They pumped his stomach and saved him in time - but he has never been the same.

My boyfriend is a marine, and he too suffers from PTSD. Having these two people in my life has made me more cognizant of the fact that veterans suffer when they come home beyond what most of us know. You're not alone, and if you ever need anything PM me - but just know despite your drug use you've lived a worthy life - and I hope you can find peace in that.

 

[Xtreme Rush]

I was never right after jail time long stretch..

but that's different I know.

Big thanks to all marines
everywhere

☆¤☆

 

[In4cash]

Brief Background

I'm a 39/m been abusing opiates for the last 16 years, been snorting h now for couple of months , plus opiates, Fent , somas, xannis, narcos, oxy, roxys, also lots of steroids, very into the gym, I look very healthy, but my insides are fucked up

Substance(s. Weed, lsd, shrooms, pcp, codeine, xannis, h, every drug but crack pretty much......

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

been almost 20 years, had about 15 months of soberity didn't like it

Adverse Effects.
I have fucked up my life lost 4-5 great females who loved me, I always have worked 3 jobs, sales, bouncing in nightclubs, & personal training people, lost all 3 jobs , about to lose my home, lost trust of family, really have nobody left but my dog & my dealer....

Warnings and Advice

youll get to h eventually, I told myself I would never move from opiods to h, but it's going to happen, & it will eat you up, you can't stop it, I'm a gym rat, & I always found the biggest suppliers in gyms, sounds crazy but you start using steroids, you pull a muscle or hurt your back, to do DR, get scripts every month, that's how it all started, a gym & doctors office

Miscellaneous

Nothing much more to add. Sorry this story wasnt as climactic or inspirational as others. Good luck to everyone here.

 

[Monchhichi]

Brief Background

********* I just want to put a spoiler on this because it discusses topics that may be triggering to some **************

I am a 32 year old female who started using drugs at age 16. It was very sporadic; occasional weed smoking and drinking. I was the classic dope addict story; honor student graduating 3rd in her class, full ride scholarship for journalism at a prestigious university. Then I was raped at age 19 and given opiates in the ER (I was jumped and beat up severely). For months after the rape, I dealt with panic attacks because I took the case to court. The defense attorney battered me on the witness stand. The only thing that helped me was the painkillers they gave me in the ER.

Substance(s)

I started out with oxycodone and went through hell with online pharmacies and doctor shopping. I abused them concurrently with cocaine and got into it heavy. When I lost my connection for pills and couldn't afford kratom, I asked my ex to get dope. It was one drug I SWORE I'd never try. I don't care what anyone says; one bump and I was HOOKED. The guy who hooked us up (my ex's friend) and I started copping behind his back and he introduced me to that fucking needle. Enter a complete and utter downfall; shooting up at home, in my car with my kids, in parking lots, with random guys, etc.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

I have been actively addicted to drugs for 15 years; addicted to dope (h) for 2 years.

Adverse Effects

I could write a book on this. I've lost my 3 babies (4, 2 and 6 months). Their aunt stepped in and offered to take them while I get my shit together. I lost a job after being there for 15 years making $25 an hour. I lost my car because I was spending all my $ on dope. I've had a gun pulled on me, been pistol whipped, robbed people including my own family, pawned every fucking thing I've ever worked for (Ipad, phone, tablets, laptop, jewelry, etc.) I lost my house recently that I bought on my own. I'm living with a friend in a room now while my kids are 3 hours away. It is fucking heartbreaking but that needle is so damn addicting. Even an overdose in the ghetto of Chicago and waking up in county hospital wasn't enough to wake my ass up.

Warnings and Advice

DO NOT USE HEROIN. EVER. EVEN ONCE. AND IF YOU'RE SNORTING OR SMOKING IT, DO NOT USE THAT FUCKING NEEDLE. NEVER EVER EVER EVER BANG DOPE. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!
Miscellaneous

Drug addiction is demonic and a miserable existence. Dope and needles are a pathetic life. It's a full time job to be a dope fiend.

 

[Monchhichi]

Warnings and Advice

youll get to h eventually, I told myself I would never move from opiods to h, but it's going to happen, & it will eat you up, you can't stop it, I'm a gym rat, & I always found the biggest suppliers in gyms, sounds crazy but you start using steroids, you pull a muscle or hurt your back, to do DR, get scripts every month, that's how it all started, a gym & doctors office

I want to cry reading that because it's so true.

 

[Monchhichi]

This is harder than I thought it would be.

Brief Background

The first time I ever got fucked up I was around 14. I smoked weed with some friends and watched SLC punk, I felt great but it didn't really do it for me. I lived the next year and a half clean and sober and fought with my head everyday. I've got diagnosed mental illness and looking back on it now I understand why getting fucked up appealed to me so much. I didn't have much confidence and had a horrible home life as a kid. There was this girl who wanted to fuck me when I was a freshman in high school for my second term and she'd always bring me alcohol in the mornings. The first time I got drunk I was 16 and instantly fell in love. Over the course of the next year and a half until I dropped out of school I was always getting drunk, everyday every weekend. I was all of the sudden popular because I could out drink everyone. I loved the person I was when I was drunk. I was witty, charming, outgoing and everything a 16 year old wants to be. I couldn't get enough.


Substance(s)

My substances were most definitely alcohol until I met a coke dealer, then I got on coke hard for a year until I went into the army. Back on the booze for another 4 years. I got out in 2010 and have a bitch of a case of PTSD and I got into percocets when I was in the army. I got out of the army summer 2010 and was on those pills hard until the OCs became the OPs then I got on that boy. I've been fuckin with boy for 5 years now.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

Been on heroin for 5 years, other misc drugs for 11. I was physically addicted to heroin once for a year before I got some suboxone from a friend and weened myself off. After that I've been dependent to heroin off and on for about 2 years. I couldn't even kick it when my son was born.

Adverse Effects

I couldn't kick boy when my son was born. I lost my son last year for 6 months, my sons mom left me. I was sitting in my car one night with a gun in my mouth. My head was so fucked up last year my best friend told me he was going to kill himself and I didn't even try to talk him out of it. I told him I'd be seeing him soon. The day he told me he was going to kill himself he shot himself that night. I can't get past hearing that. When he shot himself something inside me broke.

I hear you on the pregnancy part. I was shooting dope and on/off Subutex during my last pregnancy. I feel like such a piece of shit even admitting that. It is only by God's grace that she came out with no withdrawal symptoms and no adverse effects but I kept shooting dope and breastfeeding. I got so dope sick once that I actually considered drinking her milk knowing there was traces of dope in there. If that doesn't scream "fucking loser", nothing does. I feel ya. I lost my kids too. Thankfully not through DCFS but through family who found me smoking crack while they were in the other room.

 

[Xtreme Rush]

Ok ☆ My Story ☆

Kept Brief*

Well, well.

It all started back about age 12, (currently 26) I began sneaking alcohol at NewYears Eve parties with parents. I liked the buzz the warm glow I felt, just that warm contentment drew me in....
Well then it pursude to sneaking alcohol at home, mainly at night. Then I began also to smoke cigarettes along with alcohol and my friends. This continued for about a year. (Also during this time in my life I was playing competitive ice hockey for a league)

Then around late 13 early 14ish I tried cannabis. I always new my dad smoked it and it was always around and at the house. Well one day we figured we would try smoking cannabis, since we already were smoking cigs. We smoke some roaches and got high for the first time, you know laughing, munchies the whole 9 yards lol. Was in true love with mary jane from then on. (Still to this day am a cannabis user)

Well long story short, I ended up quitting ice hockey, which I was rather good at. To be with my friends and smoke cannabis and get high....During this started doing porely in school.....
Parents getting pissed, I actually begin to have a cannabis addiction. .... Never took any pills, never did any dope. In fact looked down on that shit, at the time. All I did was smoke mad weed and drink occasionally mostly during parties.

Then years and years later,I was about 21, I was working in this plastics factory, literally 6 days a week 12hour days, I had no life besides work... Well this is when I was first introduced to benzos (half of a xanax bar)
well it made time seem to flyyyyy by and this too me was awsome because I was always working, back then I could take half a bar look at the clock it would say 1, then it would seem like I looked right back at it and it was almost time to go home lol... so I fell in love with xanax then....

I quit the job, started college. But then things just got so much worse from there. Girls, drugs, alcohol, and partying hard. Then soon I built up an addiction to xanax, and opiates (just pills then).


Then one day, I guess you could say the worst day of my life, my cousin came over real early in the a.m (Now my cousin this one has been a heroin addict for years and still is, he is 27)

He asked me if I wanted to go to the hood to get high, I decided id go just to see what it looked like... bad decision. ... well we get down there he shoots himself up, and then hands me a half a pack too snort, east coast dope obviously lol.

I looked at it, it didn't look all bad n shit, and like I said I already had a minor opiate addiction (pills)
So I snorted it after, that day it was a wrap.

I started going every day, then soon started iving, by this time I was about 23, or 24. Then just went on a horrible run up untill now, im 26 on buprenorphine maintenance.

But ive rob, stealed, ripped off my own family.
Did a lot of jail time
fucked college up
and now have 6 felonies

All because of heroin addiction

That's just a little of my story, with all the war stories left out. If you liked what you just read I can write up some real life war stories, but ill leave that up to yall..

Ive been through alot of shit die to my behavior and addiction, currently struggling with mental health problems. Soooo yeah I still take xanax for legot reasons, I do have a prescription. .. I also am prescribed suboxone and have been clean from H since like November.
Im on buprenorphine maintenance, I only take 8mgs a day im prescribed 16mgs.

I plan on tapering down to 4mgs, ive already been there, but went through some shit so im back at 8, at least I havent relapsed. Im doin alright.

I love blue light

Knowledge is Power

Take care yall

Peace,
James.

 

[oxygirlinct]

Brief Background

I grew up parenting my single mother who, after a car accident, checked out and became glued to her bed nodding out on morphine and other opiates. Watching her nod out (especially when I had a friend over), insisting she was "not falling asleep" and refusing to go in her room like I asked, made me take a personal vow that I would never try drugs; I would never be anything like her. My mother has always been non-functional, though she has a B.S., M.S., C.A.S, and is one of the most intelligent women I know, she's always been severely mentally ill with an infuriating sense of entitlement and a degree of social awkwardness that prevents her from holding down a job or functioning in society. Finally, DCF became involved, we were evicted, and I was placed in my aunts care where I began to explore drugs and act out. I'd never had any rules or parenting and did what I wanted when I wanted it -- I thought I was an adult and couldn't understand my aunt's attempt at parenting me (causing her immense stress). For instance, at one point we ended up at the police station after she found out I'd been dating a man 10 years my senior (I was 13/14) and has been sneaking off out of state to see him and sneaking him in her home as well. Though my father was local, I was not placed in his and my stepmother's home because of our strained relationship at the time. My mother brainwashed me into thinking my father was the devil incarnate, though he fought like hell to stay in my life and years later I finally have a wonderful relationship with him and currently live with him while I'm working on my second degree. My father is wonderful and, although he is not my biological father, also struggles with addiction. He struggled with different drugs but oxycodone is what he takes regularly (in impressively low doses - considering he's been taking them for decades). So I've got the biological link to addiction as well as the environmental link -- there are bottles of opiates of varying strengths all over my house (hidden from me of course because I've proven I'm not responsible.

I began using drugs at about 13 - I tried smoking weed for the first time (hated it, still do). I had a high school friend who got drugs from China and tried 2-CI and a few others I couldn't name due to the complicated named (4-somethingsomething lol). I dabbled in pills (adderall, percocet for the most part). Later, I tried E, Molly, Coke, and finally Heroin.

Substance(s)

Currently my struggle is with opiates. It began with stealing a 5 mg perc from my dad at night when I wanted to chill out and escalated when I began dating my ex girlfriend. She used to be into the scene a bit more than I and began getting 10 mg pills. Of course, one thing led to another and I was taking more and more and moved on to blues (30s). We broke up, but I continued to use. A close friend I used with a lot began using heroin because he had to take like 6 blues at a time to feel anything and it was just a waste -- far too expensive. I remember being terrified the first time we did it in my dorm room at undergrad -- I railed a line, felt amazing for a few minutes, then puked my brains out. I kept going though -- he was my only connect and lived out of state so it wasn't a daily habit by then. My mother gave me a huge bottle of 10 mg oxycodone that she "didn't like" as a birthday present and I was taking an average of 6-8 at a time. It escalated quickly and once I graduated college I found my own connects and started buying heroin.

Duration of Addiction/Dependence

Although I began taking percs at the age of 13, I'd say it didn't become problematic for me until about 17 or 18. It's been about 7 years of addiction and abuse rather than recreational use as the first 4 or 5 years were. I started taking 5 mg (sometimes even 2.5), then 10, then 20, then 30, then I'd pop several 30s to the point I would need about 100 - 150 mg. at a time before I began doing H. After college, I entered into a Suboxone study where they paid me (a little bit) to stop using and gave me free treatment (meds and psychological treatment). This worked wonders for me for a short amount of time; once the study ended I ended up at a (terrible) clinic to get my subs where I felt like I criminal. I had a full time job and sometimes would end up sitting there for hours and missing work, had to turn in the empty foils, etc etc. It was a blessing when I finally secured a private practice that was accepting suboxone patients (waiting list after waiting list..jeez). I'm still seeing him but I mess around. Suboxone has gone from my saving grace to the devil. At this point, I'm still using H and I buy in huge quantities. My father will feel badly for me and slip me a few 15 mg oxycodones and a soma every few days. I have a RX for Xanax. i'm trying to wean myself off of suboxone, not buy street drugs, and do like my dad does -- take small amounts of oxycodone and just be reasonable. My dad and I are open - I tell him almost everything -- only recently I opened up to him about a little bit more. It became a game -- I'd steal pills and he'd pretend not to notice, eventually it got too severe so he'd move the bottle around in the most creative of hiding spots - but of course I always found them. Except this time- don't know what he did but he did good...and to be honest I think it's for the best. The only thing I have access to are the the 5 mg percs, Soma, and my own Xanax RX. So right now my dad dispenses a few pills to me here and there and occasionally I give in and go buy a shitload of H. But my tolerance is FINALLY going down and this is the best part. If i can do it, you can do it. I know I'm delusional in thinking I can use recreationally/responsibly like my father has managed to do -- but one step at a time.

Adverse Effects

I'm fortunate in the way I've never been arrested, I've never ODed. However, I've lost friends, strained a lot of relationships that are very important to me, and done things I never would have done if drugs weren't in the picture. I became desperate -- I would NEVER steal from my father and our communication has never been closed off in such a way. I have seen my friends die and get arrested. There was a time I came very close to ODing and I realized no one is "too smart to OD" it CAN happen to you. You are not invincible. I manage to remain functional but that does not mean I've not experienced adverse effects. I've been depressed for years, I couldn't get out of bed, I woke up and the first thing I did was snort a line -- I couldn't function without it...and the worst part was I wasn't even getting high. And I've lost SO MUCH $$
Warnings and Advice

Please do not mess with painkillers. PLEASE. I know if someone said this to me, I wouldn't have listened. I'd think "I'm not an idiot, I'm not going to become an addict. I know what I'm doing; it's just for fun." But you don't know what your predetermined biology is, you don't know what could happen and it's not worth the risk. I LOVE opiates more than anything (unfortunately I still feel this way) but given the chance to do it all over, I wouldn't have popped that first pill. Opiates are the devil, nothing good can come from it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STAY AWAY STAY AWAY

Miscellaneous

I'm still working on it, I'm not perfect. I want to get high all day every day -- and it's a terrible way to live. It inhibits me, it's ruined relationships I'll never get back and it's stolen my pride. I've done things I can never undo. I've done things for drugs I'm ashamed of and would do anything to take back. Sorry if I wrote a novel.

xx

 

[Xtreme Rush]

Wow, im impressed, and intrigued.

Are you on some kind of opiate maintenance?

My name is James btw.

 

[bluecloset92]

Hello my name is john on here its blue closet because my fiance as dumb as this might sound has known about usage in my life but isn't aware of the depth of swims love for a little blue giant named oxycodone no matter what I cannot escape the clutch of something so small but runs my life big time I'm new to this site so please excuse me if I mess up a little my grandma's a pill addict and has been since the age of 17 but I do not blame her for the way I use today swim is the classic story of the drug dealer turned user only to be consumed by the tiny dots that made swim loads of cash swim lives it loves it and try new things on a regular basis ......how I miss the days of strictly pot in high school when that was enough to get off please feel free to pm or w e I often need help and am willing to help people out on a daily basis as contradicting as that seems

 

[Ryde12]

Thank you. I'm from tn too. It's funny I started drinking and smoking herb ab the same as you. I got on aderall and Xanax for a couple years doing music/partying seeking that fame and glory. I was prescribed it too for PTSD. But after a while about 21-22 I found opiates. I could take a single 10 mg and be high as a kite. Now four five years later= jail time and experimenting with every drug out there except crack and heroin. I love LSD. But in moderation. It showed me my alcohol problem. But now I started using opiates because they make you feel chill. I was so used to being sped up. I finally sought help and got on subs which helped me get my life together. It's just really wxpensive. I was in a bad car wreck(sober) actually and hospital and doc gavee perks and hydros. Now I take a few a day and I wake up with withdrawals from bupe and opes. Sucks. It's a never ending cycle. Now I'm lonely, lost mostly ally friends, my family doesn't trust me and I'm thankful I never wound up dead somewhere after everything I've been through. I know He has a plan for me. And what you said, there's a driving force behind why anyone does drugs. If you find that out and stand up to it and kill it off and send it to the depths it came from that deserves honor and shows integrity. Shit ain't always Guna be fairy tales and lolly pops. I'm trying but now I've been dumped by the world and coming to terms with the most high. Admitting my faults and discovering the reasons why I abuse/abused. Heroin is satans best easiest weapon to bring a man down . Again what you said touched my heart and I have a heart for people who want out but don't have the recourses. Just gotta keep on truckin. . .

 

[Spideronthewall]

I'm dope sick and in agony over RLS so I'll make this quick.

For starters I was always the awkward and weird kid. Like, I had friends and all but I was quiet, shy, lived far away from all my friends, had extreme anxiety and a bit of depression/hopelessness. When I hit grade 8 me and 2 Chummies I had when on a hunt for some pot and found it quickly. We smoked, got high, laughed and had a great time. When I hit high school I was smoking daily - all day. Within months of getting there I was eating shrooms and dropping E at school. I was selling E and pot and had an endless supply of free drugs. One day at about the age of 14 I got my hands on a script of perks from the dentist. Fell in love. Moved to Oxys by 15 and by 16 I was hopelessly addicted. Yes, I said it. Hopelessly addicted. I went on methadone by the age of 19 (yeah you heard right 19 years old on methadone program). Spent a year on the program then one day decided fuck this and jumped at 120 mg. Spent 3 months in hell then decided to move across the country. Stayed clean foe 5 months then met a girl, fell in love and met some dope dealers through her. Back on the oxys. Met some bigger dealers while over there. Now on them heavy. Started with needles. Somehow (I won't say how) got a connection for a gigantic dealer of fent analogues. Worked for him. Got half keys in the mail on front. Well if you can't figure out what happened to me at that point then you're not an addict. I went downhill. Shooting up 50+ times a day within 2 weeks. I was making this guy all his money and all my usage was getting covered but I wasn't functioning. I'd get so high I'd drop after a shot (possible minor ods? ? Idk.). In the mornings I'd be so sick I'd shake as if I'd have Parkinson and would wake up in the middle of the night screaming. It was bad. My girl left me after 3 years cause of this. I had 2 guys working for me so I could sit at home and get high. If it wasn't for them I'd be dead from debt. One day one of them showed up scared as all shit. Threw a few grand at me and said he was done. He had junkies trying to rob him and he was sure he was being watched. This wigged me right out and I mailed the dope back from where it came and kept an oz for myself. Tried to ween down with limited success and when trying to come off I got anxiety attacks so bad I'd start hallucinating that people where coming to take me away. So back to Oxys and morphine and heroin I went. One day I missed a shot of a fake oxy 80 (fent) and it created an abscess. I was out working in the bush for 3 weeks and ignored it till it got to the point of completely disabling my left arm. Now I need to go get my arm checked out doctors said I was within a week or so of losing it. They cut me open drained the puss relieving pressure. And here I am about a year after that moved back to my home town. All the dope men are gone or hiding that I once knew. And I'm detoxing again. Is it the end? I sure hope so. Let's find out.
I got a fuck load of collapsed veins. Scars galore. I haven't slept properly in ages. I'm unhappy. Anxiety ridden. Things are just fucked.
I almost lost my arm. I've been hospitalized for ods twice. Pretty sure I've had a few minor ones.
Life is fucked and I want it to be normal. Why won't it be normal. Why do I torture myself. I'm only 24. Give me some sort of happiness. I just got back and old high school friends are inviting me to keg gers and birthday bashes and females that are smoking hot want me to go out for a drink or coffee or come by their place and I just can't do it. I can't climb out of this hole to go out.
So what I'm saying is. Be careful with your usage. I've done so many drugs I can't name all of them but it was all for good fun until the opiates ruined my life. My true love ruined me. Don't let your usage get like that and be smart. You'll be fine.

Peace love and chicken grease yall.

 

[PhishPhanPhil]

BRIEF BACKGROUND: I grew up in a small suburban town, by the age of 14 I was smoking pot and learning how to grow it efficiently indoors. At the exact same time my friends dad saw me wearing a tie-dyed Grateful Dead shirt and told us that he was going to teach us how to grow mushrooms so that we never had to buy them from drug dealers. This was my first experience with "producing drugs" or anything more than just taking drugs, it was really my exposure to the drug culture. I can think back to this experience, which turned out entirely beneficial, and say that it was at this time that I became enamored with the drug culture. By the time I was getting ready to graduate high school I had already tried every different drug category and had developed a small opiate addiction. It was a small addiction at the time but it was an everyday addiction nonetheless. That summer I went on Phish tour and began my career as a drug seller. I quickly began to make far more money than I could ever possibly spend, either on legal things or illegal ( at that time anyways). After about three years of abusing drugs, mostly opiates, but was never a big cocaine abuser, I decided to try injecting my cocaine. Oh yeah, I was already injecting heroine, and drinking heavily, but again a 300 dollar a day or so habit was actually one that I could afford at that time. Now when you add the cocaine into the mixture it didn't make it so that my habit was unaffordable, it was just unmaintainable. I could no longer function doing what I did ( selling drugs across a variety of states, and other stuff involved with the very nucleus of the drug culture), and I certainly couldn't go on the long travelling business trips that I used to go on regularly. Normally I would spend at least six weeks out of eight on the road. So I ended up going to detox, I had already done this whenever the state would "section me" (whenever you get arrested in Mass for a drug related crime you get a section 35, and sent to detox), and had already spent plenty of times in rehab. Most inpatient drug and alcohol rehabilitation centers are a joke. They run about a month to 3 months at the most, and you typically have all the freedoms you did prior after about a month. They are 99.9999% unsuccessful. You simply can not overcome addiction in that amount of time. Detoxes are usually 7 days, the first six you are on methadone, the last day you aren't but it is still in your system, then you leave and go get high before the methadone leaves your system. While you are in detoxes or rehabs, you are made to attend AA or NA meetings. Now, if NA has been successful for you in your recovery then the last thing I want to do is discourage anybody from doing what has worked for them. I simply want to share my experience and explain a little bit about why I would recommend a different route. Whenever I would be detoxing and attend an NA meeting the guest speaker would come in and share about how they attend two to three meetings a day no matter what, everyday, because they clearly depend on this, and then I would observe how they also chain smoke ciggarettes and drink coffee cup after cup, then upon talking to them usually later, discover that they are also on a handful of prescriptions almost always including benzo's of one sort of another. Now I remember how extremely discouraging this was for me. To think "this is really what I have to look forward to?!?!?!" This guy is totally hooked on just as many things as I am? He goes to his meetings every single day like a slave just like somebody who goes to the clinic each morning or goes to the dope spot, only he doesn't get high?!?! What is the point of that? I can remember losing all motivation I had ever mustered up towards getting clean after hearing one of these guys share their testimonies. Then, after 3 years of this, seeing the exact same people in every detox and rehab, who also had been going in and out of rehab, jail, and detoxes for however old they were minus 16 years, I went to my first ever "faith-based rehab". This was where my life was finally changed FOR GOOD. I met people, former addicts, who had an entirely different worldview then one that I had ever been exposed to. These people were not living like slaves, they had changed "people, places, and things" only they didn't stop there, and there reasons for doing so were far more ambitious than "getting clean". I went to a place called "His Mansion" in New Hampshire, the first thing I noticed about faith-based programs is that they typically take a year to graduate. Oh yeah, and you are not free to do as you please after a month, this was shocking and hard to grasp at first, but somewhere deep inside my subconscious I knew that this was what I needed, I knew that nothing shy of a year was going to do for me. Now after His Mansion I was not magically cured of any and all addictions for my whole life. I know some people have testimonies like this and I am not questioning the validity of someone who says they were saved and never touched a drug again, I'm just saying that was not my case. I struggled again after graduating, however, what was radically different was that as soon as I began to use again, I knew immediately what i needed to do and realized that I was powerless to change my own circumstances. After going into another faith-based rehabilitation program I stayed there for three and a half years. After graduating I stayed there in the program to help with running it. It has now been over ten years since I have used drugs or alcohol. I do not live in some sheltered environment in the mountaintops like a monk or something. After leaving the program and moving back to Mass, where I am from, I developed a seizure disorder and was then diagnosed also with narcolepsy as well as epilepsy, as well as hepatitis C, as well as most recently liver cancer. One year after I moved home I had gotten my license back to drive, bought a car, got a full-time job, was enrolled in college, started a savings, a checking acct. established credit, blah blah blah, the list goes on. I had reconciled broken relationships and was involved in day to day ministry with my father. About three months later my father died of a massive heart attack, two months after this was when I experienced my first seizure. After being diagnosed epileptic I lost my right to drive a car, for obvious enough reasons, after more diagnosis I was forced to go onto disability and quit my full-time job, I also had to drop out of college with no way to commute. I say all that to say this, plans for your recovery are great so long as your life goes exactly as you plan it to. The reality is though, that life does not go how we plan, things come up that we are not prepared for and have no idea how to handle. This is why "behavior modification" is simply not enough. If it wasn't for the fact that my heart has been changed, not simply my behaviors, I would have undoubtedly returned right back to some sort of self-medication after I hit those bumps in the road. Instead of saying "how can I stop using drugs" ask yourself "why did I ever use a drug to start with?" You will discover that it is because you're a sinner with no chance of saving yourself, and that the only solution is to turn to Jesus Christ and say "Lord, I beg you to grant to me the faith I need to believe in you. I'm helpless on my own, just a total trainwreck, as you obviously know."
I really hope that people will read this, particularly those who have already spent some amount of their life in attempts to recover from addictions, and not just write it off as some "Jesus freak" statement. I'm a real person just like you, I used to shoot oxies, hydromorphone, coke, used to cut open fenenyl patches, used to cook bottles of ketamin on a mirror right next to the fentenyl with a blow-drier. And guess what, I still go to Phish shows, I have tickets to go to MagnaBall this summer, there is no reason I can not enjoy the good things that God created for people to enjoy. Now, however, I can truly enjoy a Phish show, without having to deal with addictions. So please, don't set the bar so low that you aim to "get clean". If that's your goal just go to prison. Aim to change your life in a way that you can be used by God to change others lives.

 

[Xtreme Rush]

1 started drinking young age.

2. Started smoking Cannabis teenage.

3. Continued to smoke cannabis and drink alcohol.

4. Got involved with the wrong party chicks, back then I loved women and they loved me lol well anyways started exp. With xanax, and opiate pills, but at this time mainly xanax.

5. Then time went on of course I start taking a lot of different opiate pills, pretty much any opiates I could get. Built a very small habit, could of got threw it.By this time probaley aboit 22-23

6. But then one fine a.m ill never ever forget, my cousin showed up in a car, he asked me if I wanted to go to the hood and use heroin. I hesitated but went, he was shooting obviously he was a true fien at this point, I was not going to shoot it, well that day at least and like almost 2years I just snorted H, no injection. Well he got some dope we hit a grungy alley behind buildings, he shot up, and handed me half of a 20 pack, out here eastcoast its powder or chunks of powder lol. I sniffed almost all, then threw the rest out of the window, just because I was niaeve, and just a little H beginner, but what I became when I was strung out was evil, I didnt care about nothing execpt that needle and the next fix yall know yall know

**BUT IT IS 2015**

it is very easy to obtain insurance, infact its mandatory, but try to get your best bet but come on its 2015 HELP is everywhere for drug addicts nowadays.

get insurance, its 2015 (Very Very Easy)

Go to www.suboxone.com

Enter your zipcode, and bammmmmmmm tons of suboxone certified doctors.

Call everyone of them figure out your best bet go with it, and its also very easy to ask all questions you may have up front so you dont have to make any unnecessary trips.

Its very easy to achieve this and sobriety, I am a former 5year IV heroin addict, ive been to jail, I have 6 felonies. But I got on a suboxone maintenance program along with my counseling, and eveything is going great right now, you just got to get clean and get off that H. I work 2 jobs also im married and am a REAL dad to my 8year old son.

Im honestly married to such a beautiful woman so lucky so blessed. This woman looks sooooooo much like Christine Aguilar. I love my wife and family and it feel great to be off H.

I incourage every one on this struggle well this opiate struggle to immediately obtain insurance its very very easy. Then go to www.suboxone.com

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!! I DID IT YOU CAN

TRUST ME THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THEN BULLSHIT HEROIN, ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE ANY LITTLE ONES.


EVERYTIME YOU USE YOU SHOULD JUST PICTURE YOURSELF SAYING FUCK YOU TO YOUR LiTTLE ONES OR FAMILY MEMBERS.

IF YOUR READING THIS AND NEED SOME HELP MAKING CALLS AND GETTING NUMBERS. JUST PM ME THANKS PEACE
AS ALWAYS
TAKE CARE,
James☆

 

[slapm3me3t]

I have taken every drug except for heroine and opium, all the usual ones anyone would think of anyway. I have even tried some of the rc hallucinogens. My downfall however, is speed. I knew from the very beginning really that I have an affinity for uppers, but lately, i've been on a three week binge of meth. I have successfully quit for 2 weeks in the past 2 months, but I am about to buy some more tonight. I wish someone would dissuade me somehow. I've been able to dissuade myself with anecdotes from bluelight before..

 

[slapm3me3t]

O, and roa lately has been shooting it.