Why Can't I Live Forever On Heroin?

[rules]

thanks for all the replies and support guys, i really appreciate it. right now my plan is to see my subs doctor as soon as i can and just be honest about it. we'll see what happens. i'm going to try to go to some NA meetings too and see if that helps me mentally. thanks again.

 

[Anomaly88]

Good luck with it all bro! Go in the meeting with an open mind and give yourself a break. Listen to what they have to say and look for the similarities instead of the differences. Set a goal. 90 meetings in 90 days is suggested and if you dont like it just keep going back and try and give it a chance. Reach out, ask for help. Get off the subs as soon as possible once you feel ready and you have a good support network. That shit made my ambition go way down. Made me lazy. Didn't want to do anything. But hey, everyone's different. I personally don't like the whole idea of anyone on methadone/suboxone for too long. It's not meant for that purpose. No one needs to be on that shit forever. Pretty much just pharmaceutical heroin imo. I can talk so much shit about it. But if it works for you then good. Just saying, its only a temporary fix. Not even a cure. Just trade one addiction for another. Your using that to get off heroin but once your on that your addicted to that instead of heroin. IDK which ones worse. That because it is safer and they know what is in it so your not gunna catch any diseases and your not shooting junk in your arms. But fuck man. Addiction itself is no fun. Being a slave to any type of chemical is no fun.

 

[deeSUHAL]

Man idk you prolly wont have bad WD's the first time. Unless you shoot it idk. im not a shooter. My friends were. But you cant just do heroin once... thats what i wanted to do. I was hooked for another 3 months and binged everyday. If your an addict like im an addict there isnt just one time. Dont fool yourself. And being clean off all drugs for 90 days is when i stopped having urges or a desire to use /using dreams,relapse dreams. Dont ever think about it anymore. If it is its just a brief thought and thats like once every 2 or 3 months if i get a thought at all. Trust me living sober is def a better way to live for me. Heroin is an evil drug and will rob you of everything and leave you with nothing. Spiritual Death. All that fun stuff. Your better off dead instead of where that drug will take you.

Yea, yur def right about not trying cause most likely I will go and binge as soon as i try it again. Nevertheless I was asking only hypothehically. And yes I was talking about shooting/

 

[Missykins]

Does your family know? Would they help you go to rehab?

People will say "don't go to rehab until you're ready..." but who is REALLY ready to go to rehab, no matter how piss poor their life may be? I didn't want to go, I had to go, and at the end of it, I didn't want to leave.

 

[deeSUHAL]

^ I am actually waiting for a bed to open up at this rehab.. I been waiting for like 50 days already. Supposedly, They told I am next in line. But, I am saying if this happens in like 30 days And I have been clean for 30 days should I even bother going?

 

[Ashley]

Buprenorphine eliminated/eliminates those strong cravings I get for heroin entirely. This can be said to be true for a number of other people too. Tends to suppress cravings moreso at higher doses 8mg and >. I mean, I still thought about heroin, sure - but that screaming urge turned into a whisper. YMMV.

Ash.

 

[rules]

i don't see how a rehab is the answer. i'm gonna leave the rehab eventually. then i'm back to where i was on the subs.

 

[herbavore]

^ you might still get something good out of it if it is a decent one. Have you read up on the place? If nothing else it gives you a time and place completely devoted to one thing--getting clean and gaining skills to use in the future to help you stay that way. Good luck either way.

 

[phactor]

Try staying on the Suboxone longer, it gets easier with time. Stay away from all non prescribed substances. 19 is a very tough age and I will tell you that my chemical dependency issues were just starting. I really wish I would have nipped them in the bud at that point, I was able to pull myself together, but I had to keep screwing around for another 8-9 years first. The thing is, I know I can very quickly go right back to using... what I cannot do is use and not feel completely guilty and depressed. Why? Because I have enough experience now to realize that using and actually living a quality life are almost always incompatible.

Those 8-9 years were not a total waste, I graduated college and worked but I wasn't happy and really shot myself in the foot several times. I could probably have a masters degree already. Right now, I have no family and do not own my own house. Those will come with time, but I could have contributed much more already. I do not feel guilty about this anymore, but I did for a real long time.

You are young and you are going to do what you want to do. I remember being 19 on BL and hearing older users warning us about what laid ahead. I didn't listen and I paid for it. And to be honest, I never really used much herion, If I did I think I would be dead or locked up.

i don't see how a rehab is the answer. i'm gonna leave the rehab eventually. then i'm back to where i was on the subs.

There is no shame on being on Subs and you will get off of them in time. Suboxone was the only thing that allowed me to finally beat the relapse cycle I was in. Its much much more easier to get off of then full agonists, plus you are young. The older you get and the more often you withdrawal the harder it will get.

Try to reframe your thinking about Suboxone, know it is only temporary and a stepping stone towards a better future. I was on Suboxone for about 1.5 to 2 years and the time just flew by. Like I said, getting off it was the easiest withdrawal, not only because it is only a partial agonist, but because I knew it was the last time I would ever have to withdrawal from opiates if I wanted too.

 

['medicine cabinet']

But I am of the opinion that people are not done with heroin until they are done with heroin. l.

quoted for absolute truth. the best rehabs and drugs in the world cant make you give it up if you dont want to, you will always find a way. A girl i used to get high with for example, her dad was one of MD's biggest venture capatilists and i can honestly say ive never seen so much wealth before. But this girl who had a promising modeling career got strung out on pills, parents sent her to some super expensive rehab in canada somewhere, while there she started shooting dilaudid. came home, started doing dope IV, her parents would just keep throwing money at the problem thinking it would somehow have a price. But it doesnt. There is no price too high when it comes to heroin addiction. I mean literally sometimes when you are so sick and desperate you would do anything to get high. in this girls case she got into porn out in vegas and did all sorts of fucked up shit. i have since lost contact with her, but my point is this. Even this girl from an exceedingly wealthy family that could buy just about anything, never wanted to get clean and so she didnt. Now im not sure if she is clean these days as this was years ago, but no matter how far you run or how much money you throw at it, the path to quitting is in you.

i have been in your shoes before man, many many times. you still have your youth dont throw it away, i know how cliche that sounds but its true. if the subs dont take away the craving id suggest MMT. its not ideal sure, since you just substitute one short acting drug for a longer acting drug, but its the start on changing the lifestyle and that is where it began for me. they tell you in NA people places and things, and its true. i dont suggest going to NA or AA (but to each his own) i got on methadone quit hanging around with the ppl that didnt give shits about me and stopped feeling sorry for myself the most i could. i still have a long road to travel and its because ive been traveling it for so long that it takes just as long to come back.

you have just started your journey, its not too late to make a u-turn.

I think the reason ive rambled on so much is i have a sister whos about your age and who went through the same thing, is going thru the same thing. shes on MMT and doing great, its not right for everyone but in this case it worked wonders.

anyways good luck man. have faith in you and the ppl that truly love you.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

the fucked up thing is that the only time that i'm happy is when i use heroin. i used to be a pretty happy kid. used to love video games, that was my true passion. heroin has robbed me of that. now the only times i play video games are when i'm waiting to get money or when i'm sick to just make the time go by faster. literally nothing makes me happy anymore other than being high.

However long you have been addicted assume it will take as long to get unaddicted, sounds crazy but its true If you were addicted for 5 years it will take 5 years to unlearn all the drug habits and addiction and triggers... give it time dude

Every time you use you reset your counter. So if you go two years sober relapse expect to restart from the start... you have to unlearn addiction its in your brain... it takes along time but you can get back to happy its possible

 

[motherofearth]

Rehab helped me significantly in terms of distancing myself from my last use, tapering off the subs, and making connections w/ people who understand and are serious about getting clean. For me, I was willing to do anything to get off heroin. Over 90 days off dope now. If you have the chance to get inpatient I'd highly recommend it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hello, everyone. I feel as though this might be really cliche and the story has been a thousand times over but I still feel like writing this. I recently relapsed for the first time since initially being addicted to heroin. I was on suboxone for two months clean but then what happens with every addict happened, I started questioning why I was even doing this, if it is even worth it, etc. I started selling my suboxone and eventually had none left and to keep from being sick I hopped on the heroin bandwagon again.

I am only 19 years old and I feel like I've already fucked up my life beyond repair. These psychological cravings are never going to go away...they didn't go away once on suboxone. This morning my dad woke me up and he's a doctor so he started talking to me about what happened and why I relapsed and as always I couldn't look him in the eyes. I never can when they find out. He called my subs doctor and told him pretty much the truth and asked for a new appointment ASAP but my willingness compared to the first time I originally went on subs is so down...I mean why am I even trying if I know that I can't go through my entire life without heroin? I know the cravings will hit eventually and I'll be right back where I started.

I wish I could just be on heroin all fucking day and not do shit. I know that makes me sound like a freeloader or whatever but I really don't care. I'm in college, almost done actually, and I'm not even thinking about what I'm going to do when I graduate. All I care about are these fucking drugs and when I'm going to get them and if I have the money and gas in my car to take me to get them. I don't know what to do anymore. I need something else in my life other than suboxone but I don't know what that is. I'm completely fucking lost.

i was in the same situation as you. apart from my choice was amphetamine, a load of opiates, a mixture of benzos and alcohol. all at the same time.
i'm even the same age as you (well now, yesterday was my birthday) - 19.

if you read through my posts - i even wrote a very similar post to you on the dark side a while back.

your life isn't fucked beyond reason at all. i thought mine was as well, i was in the darkest patch of my life i could ever describe. my only motivation was for when i'd get my next fix, sit at home and watch films while conked out of it on drugs all day, everyday. i also had to go to college during this period of time, and thank whoever that I wasn't caught, or i'd have been kicked out of my 3rd school and then i truly would have nothing.

i sit now and think about it - and realize just what a mess i was back then. by no means am i a complete, healthy and sober individual today, but i've managed to clean my act up somewhat and you know what - my life has turned around but is now starting to decline again that i have stopped going to NA meetings.

getting out of the house, socializing, concentrating on my school work and working to becoming a better person through trying to help others, my family and friends is what managed to keep me on the wagon so to speak. i also did a lot of physical exercise (which once again i have declined in due to injuries...) which helped me relieve my stress and anger at just about anything. i was an avid boxer when i was younger and i took it up again, and my god is it relieving.

this forum is fantastic for help and support - i'm glad you've come here because you will get it here as I did. it helped me turn my life around for 6 of the happiest months of my life, and two names always pop to my head, herbivore and effie.

i quit everything cold turkey. my family was distraught by my drug use, my life was truly falling apart, i had lost all (when i say all, i mean all) of my friends as nobody wanted to be associated with me.

the cravings for drugs i have found will always be there. but you need to find a way to literally tell the cravings to fuck off. throw all your drugs out, delete your dealers telephone numbers, everything. you can quit heroin cold turkey - it will be a tough battle but it can be done. it sounds as if your family is very supportive of you and you have a loving father who will be there for you. i don't know the whole story behind your drug use - but i can fully understand it, because i've been there, and a lot of the people on this forum have too. you're not alone in this battle - it's an evil, tenacious and horrible one but it can be won.

for 3 months i did exactly what you described in your last paragraph (toward the end of my full blown addiction). i can tell you, you don't want to live that life. i met some disgusting people, did some disgusting things all of which i regret to this day and will continue to haunt me. i have been through what you could say is a lot for a 19 year old guy.

you can go your life without heroin. never say that you can't. that will get you nowhere.

i had the same opinions as you as well - rehab for me was just not the place i wanted to go as i knew when i left i'd hit the drugs harder, or at least i thought so.
there are many other options available though you must not forget that

i really want to help you as i was in a very similar situation.

please PM me and we can discuss everything in private rather than on a public forum if you would like, your words are strictly confidential and won't be shared with anyone i promise.
i will try to reply as soon as i can.

"In the space between chaos and shape there was another chance."

right now you're there. you have another chance to live drug free, and i promise you, a much much happier, fulfilled and meaningful life

i wish you all the best even if you don't PM me and i hope you do well

 

[hematocritter]

I didn't read through all of the responses, but I see that you currently in college....
what are you studying to be?
The reason I ask is because there are opportunities with certain degrees that can put you into an entirely different environment that will help you focus on your career and not the drugs.

 

[rules]

thanks, synthetix, i'll pm you. and yeah, all i do all day every day is go get drugs, go home, watch tv on drugs, rinse and repeat. it's crazy. hemato, i'm studying computer information systems. pretty much game programming. c# and c++

 

[DeLee]

Well I can relate to some of the things written in your first post.
I was always interested in drugs and when I came across opioids I was hooked immediately.
(Not like the propaganda try it once and your doomed forever)
But I loved opioids, they fit perfectly in my life and seemed to provide good things in some aspects.

I have cravings for opioids 24/7 and have had for many years (15+years) and the only thing
that seems to make that a little less pronounced is Methadone.
I can manage life while on methadone maintanence but I still have cravings, not only for opioids but mainly.

I have tried many things, drown myself in work, running, weight lifting, yoga, girlfriends and (x)wives, food, porn and the list goes on but nothing stops the cravings.
I just have to learn to live with this, sometimes I may give in for the craving but not so that I will let it destroy everything ive built.

 

[xxsicknessxx]

sometimes you have to get addicted and quit lots of times to get in finally, and some people don't ever get it
Its not fun, easy, your life won't just turn great all the sudden, I think often times we blame drugs for everything then when the drugs are gone and things are still shit we think fuck it and go back to drugs.. Just remember how ever long you have been addicted it might take as much time sober to feel normal again.

Did herion for 5 years hardcore expect 5 years sober to feel back to normal.

 

[DrinksWithEvil]

Hey man if your not ready, your not ready. Go get high, hit your bottom and maybe see the light before you OD and die. Stop torturing your parents, and yourself. I had to go to hell and back many many times before i got better. 8 rehabs and 2 homeless stints. I have six months clean right now but in between i fucked up twice and relapsed. Cravings got bad and i went to skid row to score. But i didint continue, i saw my error and kept trucking. Im not going to lie, i still think about using all the time. But i try to play the tape forward and remind myself of how much better i look now and how i will feel about my self if i put myself in withdrawl again. I already have Hep-c at 25. I put my family through hell. Its going to take a very long time to repair the damage i have done. I was using for 8 years, its going to take longer than six months to get my life back. My worse day sober is better than my best day using. cliche but true. torwards the end of my addiction atleast (;

 

[xburtonchic]

I feel you dude. I'm in rehab right now for heroin addiction and I always hear people in NA and AA talk about all of their problems. And all the while I'm just thinking whether sobriety is worth trading in one problem for a million more. As a heroin addict you have one problem: get your fix. That's it. That's your only responsibility.

So I know it seems easier to say "fuck it" and stop caring entirely. At times I don't even give a fuck about the consequences. Jail, death, whatever. It's like, who cares as long as I know heroin is waiting for me somewhere at the end of it all? But heroin is an evil motherfucker and it's evil BECAUSE it makes you think that way. At the end of the day, do you really want that kind of life? Ask yourself that... and don't let your addiction answer it for you.

Idk what else to tell you because I know exactly what you're talking about and it's fucking hard. Sometimes it helps to think about certain things that might give you extra motivation to stay clean. Like, I'll never forget the time my friend told me, "I think of you synonymous with heroin now." That's when I knew I'd crossed that invisible line and it actually did make me feel like shit at the time. I mean, fuck. I don't want heroin to be the first thing a person thinks of when they think of me. I became the one thing I swore up and down I would never, ever, EVER fucking be: a fucking IV heroin addict. At the very least I still have my pride, so thinking about that kind of stuff sort of keeps me going. The way I see it, I'm better than that. And so are you. You just need to find what works for you and what will keep you sober. Whether it's NA or something else. NA isn't my thing but it works for a lot of other people.

Anyway, good luck dude. I feel your pain. It might not seem like it, but you CAN beat this shit. It's not invincible.

 

[herbavore]

^ i'm so proud of you and happy for you, girl!

rules, there are so many people that have better advice to offer than me but I will just say this, at 19 you should try to edit the word never out of your vocabulary (as in "these cravings will never go away"). Everything can change, and will. How it changes is of course mostly up to you but it will change. Thinking that you will forever be in this acute state of craving is simply not true. I can't speak from experience but I know from reading all these threads every day on BL that the cravings do last for quite a while but eventually they are gone for those who replace all the habits and behaviors and ways of thinking that come with addiction. For those that simply try to stop the drug without doing anything else it makes sense for the cravings to continue. It is a learned coping mechanism and it is a very good one short-term, if you don't consider any of the consequences. But of course the consequences are your life so it gets harder and harder to leave them out. When, xburtonchic said,"As a heroin addict you have one problem: get your fix. That's it. That's your only responsibility", she was right on. I think that is one of the things that makes it so hard for people coming off opiates. Life is full of irritation, annoyances, stress, problems, pain and true suffering. It is also full of joy, peace, calm, excitement, happiness and awe. When the scales are tipped towards the negative we all naturally look for an escape. We don't want to suffer! Who does? But the most empowering and enduring change of thinking you can ever do is to welcome what you are afraid to feel. Feel it and make peace with it so it doesn't scare you anymore. Lonely is one thing. Being afraid of always being lonely is another.

Your life is definitely not fucked up beyond repair. Mine was an unbelievable mess quite a few times in the last 58 years. No doubt I could make a respectable mess of it again in some new way; but inch by inch, I have claimed it and I know where my solid ground is inside and that feels good. If I derail, I know that it won't last and I'll learn something on the way. You can get rid of this drug and keep moving and you will never regret it. I guarantee that if you resign yourself to it, you will regret that decision terribly.