Why Can't I Live Forever On Heroin?

[rules]

Hello, everyone. I feel as though this might be really cliche and the story has been a thousand times over but I still feel like writing this. I recently relapsed for the first time since initially being addicted to heroin. I was on suboxone for two months clean but then what happens with every addict happened, I started questioning why I was even doing this, if it is even worth it, etc. I started selling my suboxone and eventually had none left and to keep from being sick I hopped on the heroin bandwagon again.

I am only 19 years old and I feel like I've already fucked up my life beyond repair. These psychological cravings are never going to go away...they didn't go away once on suboxone. This morning my dad woke me up and he's a doctor so he started talking to me about what happened and why I relapsed and as always I couldn't look him in the eyes. I never can when they find out. He called my subs doctor and told him pretty much the truth and asked for a new appointment ASAP but my willingness compared to the first time I originally went on subs is so down...I mean why am I even trying if I know that I can't go through my entire life without heroin? I know the cravings will hit eventually and I'll be right back where I started.

I wish I could just be on heroin all fucking day and not do shit. I know that makes me sound like a freeloader or whatever but I really don't care. I'm in college, almost done actually, and I'm not even thinking about what I'm going to do when I graduate. All I care about are these fucking drugs and when I'm going to get them and if I have the money and gas in my car to take me to get them. I don't know what to do anymore. I need something else in my life other than suboxone but I don't know what that is. I'm completely fucking lost.

 

[RobotRipping]

well a big reason you shouldn't be on heroin all day is that for you, it takes away your ambition to do anything. You need to have goals, something to work towards, some dreams to fulfill, anything to keep you going.

If your life is already fucked beyond repair then you need to start making changes. You're only 19, nothing is fucked beyond repair yet. If you're going to get high then you need to take care of yourself and your life. If you can't do this then you can't get high.

I think you set yourself up to relapse by believing that is what happens to all addicts, sure it does but it doesn't have to happen to you and it doesn't have to mean you are a strung out addict again. You can always go back on suboxone. The cravings may not go away at first but they will eventually, or at least lessen to the point where it is bearable. Why put up with the cravings and work so hard for something you don't even want? I don't know, people seem to be more miserable on drugs than not and many can't hold down a stable life on drugs, so those are the only reasons I can think of. It doesn't sound like you are happy on heroin, a drug that makes people euphoric. If you're not happy, then why bother? If you can't look your dad in the eyes after using heroin, then you know what you're doing is wrong for you.

Whether you quit or not, keep your shit together, be honest with yourself, and do something. Absolutely no one likes a person or addict who just does nothing all day.

 

[rules]

the fucked up thing is that the only time that i'm happy is when i use heroin. i used to be a pretty happy kid. used to love video games, that was my true passion. heroin has robbed me of that. now the only times i play video games are when i'm waiting to get money or when i'm sick to just make the time go by faster. literally nothing makes me happy anymore other than being high.

 

[Cornishman]

Op you need good company.

Find a girlfriend instead of trying to fill the void with drugs.

 

[Pagey]

Your feelings are entirely normal, but just remember that relapses are incredibly common - I mean, there's barely no one out there who manages to get clean the first time around after a serious addiction. So just because you relapsed this time, does not mean you will necessarily never be able to get out of this. You just need to try again, and again if the second time fails. Eventually you will manage. Find something to do whenever you get a craving, something that'll distract you enough until the craving is gone or more easy to ignore.
Have you considered NA meetings? Could help.
Also, as RobotRipping said, the heroin is taking away your ambition to do anything, and is surely part of the reason why you feel there's no reason to quit, that heroin is the only thing in your life that'll ever make you happy. Though right now maybe it's true it's the only thing that makes you feel good, that doesn't mean it'll stay like that forever...At all. Eventually you'll build up a total tolerance and heroin won't make you feel good anyway, just not dopesick. Or, you could stop now and sooner than you think you'll find other things to enjoy in life.

Hope that helped, good luck
Feel free to PM me if you want support or anything.

 

[rules]

no girl wants to be with a junkie. i had a girl sleep over just the other night. yeah, i hit it, but right after she left she starts texting me telling me that i need to get help. everyone seems to be trying to help me while i seem to be the only one trying to shit on what everyone says and dive further into my addiction. maybe NA could help. i've thought of it but never really attended or even tried to find any meetings. maybe i should do that.

 

[cj]

First off congrats on being 19 and almost done with college! That is amazing. But I am of the opinion that people are not done with heroin until they are done with heroin. What I mean is you wont quit until you are tired of being high. It will eventually happen it took 5 years and my life going to complete shit before it happened to me. But my advice is to stick with the subs so that you can be well on days you cant hustle up the money for dope and try to stay out of jail.

 

[Cornishman]

When I was 19 all I wanted to do was get wasted too.

Now I'm 30 and I still feel the same. Except it's worn thin, it's unproductive. You'll end up with nothing & it's just a sad way to live life.
Seeing as you're already in the deep end (I never got hooked on H until last year).

You would do well to try out an inpatient detox center and/or therapy.

I think you know that hiding behind your addiction won't help in the long run.

All the best.

 

[rules]

First off congrats on being 19 and almost done with college! That is amazing. But I am of the opinion that people are not done with heroin until they are done with heroin. What I mean is you wont quit until you are tired of being high. It will eventually happen it took 5 years and my life going to complete shit before it happened to me. But my advice is to stick with the subs so that you can be well on days you cant hustle up the money for dope and try to stay out of jail.

yeah...i've already been imprisoned in paterson once for like 12 hours after being beat up by cops and handcuffed so tight I didn't regain circulation until the day after. thank you for the college thing, i find it amazing as well, i would have found it more amazing before i started using. it seems like nothing matters anymore.

i believe what you said is true but my parents just won't put up with me using until i'm ready to quit. they want me to quit now. there's no excuses. and it's the hardest thing in the world to hide from them because when i use i throw up (it just doesn't agree with my stomach) and i end up looking like pete doherty only after about a week of using. when i first quit i gained nine pounds in one week.

 

[Pagey]

no girl wants to be with a junkie. i had a girl sleep over just the other night. yeah, i hit it, but right after she left she starts texting me telling me that i need to get help. everyone seems to be trying to help me while i seem to be the only one trying to shit on what everyone says and dive further into my addiction. maybe NA could help. i've thought of it but never really attended or even tried to find any meetings. maybe i should do that.

I think you should try NA. I won't to a few meetings earlier this year and I think it could really to help motivate you. It's incredibly encouraging to hear victory stories and the people are really nice and supportive. Plus once you get a sponsor you can call them whenever you get a craving to use again, so it really helps

 

[cj]

yeah...i've already been imprisoned in paterson once for like 12 hours after being beat up by cops and handcuffed so tight I didn't regain circulation until the day after. thank you for the college thing, i find it amazing as well, i would have found it more amazing before i started using. it seems like nothing matters anymore.

i believe what you said is true but my parents just won't put up with me using until i'm ready to quit. they want me to quit now. there's no excuses. and it's the hardest thing in the world to hide from them because when i use i throw up (it just doesn't agree with my stomach) and i end up looking like pete doherty only after about a week of using. when i first quit i gained nine pounds in one week.

Honestly if you really think your going to end up homeless if your dont quit then I suggest methadone. Its the only thing that is going to kill your cravings. It wll also raise your tolerance to the point where heroin just wont work. I dont recomend that lightly as Done is terrible to quit and the klinic is akin to being on probation but it wll keep you comfortable and off heroin.

 

[deeSUHAL]

the fucked up thing is that the only time that i'm happy is when i use heroin. i used to be a pretty happy kid. used to love video games, that was my true passion. heroin has robbed me of that. now the only times i play video games are when i'm waiting to get money or when i'm sick to just make the time go by faster. literally nothing makes me happy anymore other than being high.

Yea, I hear that rules. It feels like without dope your empty. And it's not just the dope it's everything you do to get it , which makes like an adventure sometimes. And if you been copping everyday for years, now you have all this time you don't know what to do with

 

[FunkyMonk]

That's the problem. You can't live forever on heroin. It's not that easy. This is reality.

That's one of the many reasons I decided to kick 13 days ago.

What are my choices???

1. Live the rest of my life chasing the high everyday, like I have been doing for the past 4-5 years?? There is no magic situation where you will have your drug of choice all day everyday. It's just a life of chasing and scamming and stealing, etc etc.

2. Get sober, quit the shit for good, and just live a normal/sober life.

I choose 2. F it. It's much easier and I won't ruin/lose everything I care about in the process. So what? I can't get high?? Boo hoo. F IT!!!

 

[deeSUHAL]

props to you funkyMonk . I am only clean 4 day now.

 

[Anomaly88]

The cravings eventually subside. Im 6 months and some change clean off heroin and all drugs and alcohol in general. Ive been on subs. My honest opinion. I used them as a crutch. As just another reason to stay medicated and high because i wasnt ready to quit completely. Dont get me wrong there are people who need methadone and subs but not forever. People stay on that shit far too long. I could have done it without them but it was such a bitch with the urges and cravings that i wanted an easy escape. When i relapsed back on the dope my parents wouldnt put me back on subs. Told me to do it cold turkey and i did.. was hard but it wasnt impossible. Get you a support group or some people who will help you and talk you through your problems. Im am very involved in NA/AA. Theyve helped me tremendously. Get some hobbies. Find your passion. Live your life.

 

[i against i]

rules i guess i've been pretty hard on you since you joined, but i guess that was because you came on so sure you were quit and done with heroin like it ain't no thang to quit and have now been pushed back on yo ass. yeah it's tough to stay stopped, because of cravings, why do you think millions of people have thrown their lives away over it?

there are "good" times (i.e., no other problems/at the bottom of the barrel) to quit and "bad" times to quit (i.e., not causing you any problems) but the best time to quit is always right fucking now. first of all, you don't know how far away the bottom of your own barrel is. me, i've been homeless, jobless, suicidal, and that was all ok before becoming an addict, and right now i'm living with my parents (i'm only 21, they too can tell whenever i'm high, just can't hide it once they know), and still shooting up, shooting whatever drug, whatever, what i'm saying is, you don't want to find out what you're "lowest point" is, because it will be pretty fuckin low and grotty. you're going to face the same problems high or sober, except when you're high everything feels ok, which is the bitch, but fuck it, you're own feelings will come back, the depression will lift. you're obviously not stupid, so there's obviously a lot more productive shit you could be doing, find a friend who believes in you, you're dad obv does. mine's also a doctor, it doesn't help having "fentanyl" and "oxycontin" branded clocks n shit all over the house.

i'm going to try n get a methadone or suboxone script when i move out in a month (going back to uni after two year break) as i just won't be able to afford my current half g a day habit, but where there's a junkie there's a way.

 

[beengerman]

we've all been there man. But trust me it will get easier. You need to find something your passionate about and dive into that head first. It can be anything. something to occupy your time. set small goals and try to achieve them everyday.

 

[OhCrap]

It may take you longer than a few months to start finding joy in simple things again but rest assured you will. Maybe just get on the subs again and do your best to make it as long as you can between using. Eventually you'll get sick of the lifestyle and want to clean up. But in the mean time you can't just do nothing all day and expect anyone to accept it, or have any feeling of self worth. Trust me I know how hard it is! But at 19 you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste it! if where youre headed now isn't where you want to be going then change it, but nothing changes if nothing if nothing ever changes

 

[deeSUHAL]

The cravings eventually subside. Im 6 months and some change clean off heroin and all drugs and alcohol in general. Ive been on subs. My honest opinion. I used them as a crutch. As just another reason to stay medicated and high because i wasnt ready to quit completely. Dont get me wrong there are people who need methadone and subs but not forever. People stay on that shit far too long. I could have done it without them but it was such a bitch with the urges and cravings that i wanted an easy escape. When i relapsed back on the dope my parents wouldnt put me back on subs. Told me to do it cold turkey and i did.. was hard but it wasnt impossible.

That is almost the same situation I am in in regard to the subs. I was on them for two years and used it as crutch. Now my 'rents wont let me get on subs so I am going cold turkey. How long till the craving subsided for you?

Also, I got a hypothetical question. Say, I stay clean for the next six month and one day on a friday I cop a few bags maybe a bundle do it in one night and stop the next day. Would I get W/D's the next day probably none at all but probably some cravings, right?

 

[Anomaly88]

Man idk you prolly wont have bad WD's the first time. Unless you shoot it idk. im not a shooter. My friends were. But you cant just do heroin once... thats what i wanted to do. I was hooked for another 3 months and binged everyday. If your an addict like im an addict there isnt just one time. Dont fool yourself. And being clean off all drugs for 90 days is when i stopped having urges or a desire to use /using dreams,relapse dreams. Dont ever think about it anymore. If it is its just a brief thought and thats like once every 2 or 3 months if i get a thought at all. Trust me living sober is def a better way to live for me. Heroin is an evil drug and will rob you of everything and leave you with nothing. Spiritual Death. All that fun stuff. Your better off dead instead of where that drug will take you.