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TDS The TDS grief/bereavement thread

Those are very kind words, TMW, and comforting. I have been reading your posts around TDS and been impressed with both the earnest thought you put into your responses as well as your kindness and empathy. There is a mother somewhere (don't have a clue as to your location) who must feel very proud of the person she raised.<3 :) <3
 
herbavore said:
Those are very kind words, TMW, and comforting. I have been reading your posts around TDS and been impressed with both the earnest thought you put into your responses as well as your kindness and empathy. There is a mother somewhere (don't have a clue as to your location) who must feel very proud of the person she raised.<3 :) <3
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Your kind words make me smile. Both my parents have degrees in social sciences, without their guidance I would be nothing. I was happy being poor even with a Phd father and mother with a masters. When my father passed they were working in a nursing home as a second job, and even with the grief, and not getting paid my mother kept going to comfort my fathers patients and take hers to walmart when the home wouldn't. You mothers are something special.

We would have food in the fridge my dad had reserved specifically for people there. He'd buy therm radios and other nick nacks since it was a state home, most didn't have money or family and their things would often be stolen. We didn't have money either but had enough to make their lives a little better.this type of example had made me a better person.
 
Yeah, I think that one of the things I feel the proudest about when it comes to my sons is their empathy. When I used to go sit in court with Caleb we would have to wait for the drug courtroom to open and all these people would gather in the sterile hallway under the condescending stares and cold, terse words from the sheriffs there for security and Caleb would always make an effort to connect with eye contact and smiles and a kind word. He would be so uptight and angry and stressed going in there, but the minute he got there and saw others discomfort he just naturally wanted to do something to alleviate theirs. I felt more proud as a mother in that situation than any other. My other son is the same way.

And not having very much money is better for kids IMO, especially in america, land of revolting excess! My son still shops at the thrift store now that he buys his own clothes, just like I did while he was growing up. Yay!

Your mom sounds like some one I would love to know. Lucky you<3 It also sounds like she and your dad really shared a meaningful life and it must be hard for her to go on without him. How is she doing?
 
Oh we all are slowly moving on. It keeps getting better, slowly.

The types of empathy your kids, you, and my family show remind me of the Buddha. When he was still a prince who had just discovered suffering he was at a royal dance where every person was jumping and dancing and laughing. The Buddha sat their on the verge of tears, all he could think about were the ants getting killed by the dancers.
 
^ in responce to your question TheMiddleWay, I do have a fantastic psycotherapist, former drunk/addict been there and done just about everything he's a straight shooter and speaks like me and never tries to censor my language which is one of the things i cant stand people doing. He is of the oppinion of well lets hear it, one can only move foward and its not gonna change who i am. Feeling good today so im counting it as a blessing:\
got a stressfull few weeks coming up will just have to see how things pan out hey...
Hopes everyone else is doin a little better than yesterday, one day @ a time and baby steps i suppose.
 
and i thought i was strong...but i sit here crying. life marches on for so many others who lost much more than i did. it's not a self-pity thing, i don't think. it's just loneliness, loneliness for a partner to share with. websites for singles are such a joke! nobody is real on them. i know TF would want me to move on & i'm trying, but thoughts return to her. i was so sure she was the ONE.
 
swmo said:
and i thought i was strong...but i sit here crying. life marches on for so many others who lost much more than i did. it's not a self-pity thing, i don't think. it's just loneliness, loneliness for a partner to share with. websites for singles are such a joke! nobody is real on them. i know TF would want me to move on & i'm trying, but thoughts return to her. i was so sure she was the ONE.
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If anything, crying means you are even stronger, it's the wimpy people who won't shed a tear. No, it is not self pity. A source of guilt can be thinking it is, but you loved her. Loss is loss. Like I said, love lost AND your home and town were destroyed, that is a big deal.
 
Oh, swmo, my heart aches for you. Maybe best not to go looking just yet? No one will be able to step into her shoes right now. Life brought you that gift. Life will bring you more but the looking sounds hard on you for the present. I know it may seem that the loneliness is harder but there is loneliness even when you aren't alone if you are still grieving for her. You need time.<3
 
u're right. i shouldn't be looking just yet. it would just be a rebound relationship of sorts. i especially shouldn't be looking @ singles sites. when i think i'm lonely, all i need do is remember that i've never really been alone. sure, i've isolated myself...but all i need to do is be aware of my surroundings & Who made them possible.
 
swmo i couldnt even begin to immagine, but theres much <3 4 ya on here, i know it may not be much of a comfort during such sad times, but i thought it worthy of pointing out. Keep on keepin on hey<3
 
it's really only sad when i make it that way. TF no longer suffers. i'm no longer trapped by my surroundings, only if i allow myself to be. i've learned tons about myself. really, it'd be tough trading my circumstances & experiences with anyone. (well, maybe my favorite musician)
 
I'm just so fucked up i cant stop crying, there are too many self rightious, Blind, conformist dont give a shit assholes in this world:(
 
i know that's the truth! blind conformists were exactly what i never wanted to become, hence my early sociopathic behavior. but now i wish i had conformed. i had great potential as a child to become anything i wanted. now, convicted felonies keep me from becoming a dr., lawyer, etc. i am becoming a person i like, though. hang in there SMFG.
 
right on, herbavore, among many other compositions. JW's spirituality shines through nearly everything he writes. he's obviously spirit-driven.
 
i hope all who visit this thread find acceptance, comfort, & focus. our lost loved ones would want it that way, i'm sure.
 
I am having a hard time right now. I cannot find acceptance. In fact I feel like I had so much more acceptance of the reality of my son's death early on and now I find myself floating out further and further from the shore. I cannot accept anything about it. One day it hit me so hard that I just sat in my house begging, "Come back!" over and over again like a frustrated two year old. It really was like a temper tantrum in that there were no other alternatives for comfort except what I wanted and what I wanted I couldn't have.

Once again, just like with the guilt, I am aware that my rational mind is of little use. I feel scared. I feel angry. I feel like I am separated from every other part of my life--even the parts that I am apparently functioning quite well in. Everyone at my job, my friends and acquaintances, my family, even Caleb's friends tell me that they cannot believe how well I am handling everything. So what is my choice? I wish I could curl into a ball. I wish I could run away. I wish that I could go bleed this out in a cave for a year or so. But I can't.

I am just feeling lost. I want something that I can't have and I seem to be stuck here for a while. I hope I don't stay here long, it is unbearable.
 
Herbavore <3

I have been feeling exactly the same. I've been saying to friends that I am stamping my foot like a child and refusing to accept it and I spent quite a long time yesterday shouting "NO!" in the kitchen, where I remember Dave most.. just threw a pillow at the wall too. I know it is so pointless, throwing a temper tantrum and demanding that the Universe returns Dave to me, but I can't do anything else right now. And I don't think you can either <3 This is just part of the process, a horrible, frustrating, ridiculously painful and I am sure completely essential part.

People have told me I am doing well too. I almost took it as an insult, as if they were saying I didn't love Dave much and am fine now he is gone. I am so far from fine it isn't funny but I turn it all inwards, mostly.. I'm so scared too, herb, and angry, and distanced from everyone and everything by a wall of glass. I've been here for a few days now but this evening I finally managed to eat and start talking to people again, and it's eased a little, although I know it is still there waiting for me.

It just doesn't make sense, does it? Not even slightly, I can't comprehend it and I don't want to. And it's not fair!! I know that is meaningless really, the concept is flawed, if there was fairness in the world then wars and famine and tragedy like ours wouldn't happen.. but I just want to slap someone for being so cruel and taking Dave away from me. You're right, the rational mind plays no part in this, hah.. I think we need to be kids throwing a tantrum for a bit herbavore. It's allowed. And just because you've been carrying on wonderfully, doesn't mean you can't take a break now. It's okay to not be okay <3

This place we are in is so horribly uncomfortable because, as you say, what we want we can't have. Everything else is painful, and feels wrong and just doesn't fit. I think all we can do is just keep going, and trust that this phase will pass, and know that there will be times when we feel comfort again..

It is absolutely unbearable here, cold and empty and spiky all at once and I really hope we don't spend too long here.. it can't last forever though <3
 
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